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Old 10-05-2014, 08:09 PM
 
Location: Parker, CO
1,081 posts, read 2,733,414 times
Reputation: 1763

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Almost every single time I speak to my Mom, she brings up how nice it was when my brother and I were kids.

I'm always reminded of the "good memories" we all shared. I loved my childhood, but I also love being a full grown man. At 30 years old, neither myself or my brother are in committed relationships, and I think that bothers my Mom (I am also gay, which she hates). So, as a coping mechanism, she reverts back to when we were children. I loved my childhood, but I hate hearing about my childhood and how wonderful it was every time I call. I always say things like, "the best is yet to come," but I feel like it hits deaf ears.

Childhood was great, but it was several decades ago. Time to move on with life. Has anyone else dealt with this?
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Old 10-05-2014, 10:02 PM
 
12,922 posts, read 6,181,115 times
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Have you asked your mother why she always brings up your childhood? If so, what does she say? If not, then why not just ask her outright?

As a mother of a grown daughter, I can tell you that my husband and I sometimes reminisce about her childhood. However, when we talk to her, we tend to not bring it up unless it's in relation to something one of the grandkids did or said. It's along the lines of "When you were that age, you, also, liked reading that book".

Maybe your mom feels wistful about your childhood years. Perhaps she enjoyed that time in her life. How is her life currently? Are things, in general, going well with her? Sometimes when things in the present aren't going well, it's common to think back to happier times.

It's a shame that your mom "hates" that you are gay. Yet, she hasn't cut off contact with you. Can you suggest that she find a PFLAG group near where she lives? That may help her fully accept it.
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Old 10-05-2014, 10:49 PM
 
4,787 posts, read 9,261,640 times
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What was life for your mom when you were growing up? Was she a stay at home mom? Does she work, have interests outside the home, hobbies ?

She may just have a really bad case of empty nest syndrome. Or perhaps her whole identity was wrapped up in being a mom. Now that her kids are grown and gone, she doesn't know what to do with herself. Thus, she holds onto the past.

Sit down and talk to her. Her life may be so narrow that she has no inkling of what to discuss with you. Can you try to encourage the conversation to events happening in your home town, things going on in the lives of family members, such as aunts, uncles, cousins. Tell her about your job, your future plans. If you own a home discuss things you are doing with it. If don't, maybe discuss with her if you ever want to be a homeowner.

In other words, try to direct the conversation to keep it animated and not give her a chance to live in the past. Yes, I know, much easier said than done, but try. Good luck, this is tough.
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Old 10-06-2014, 12:11 AM
 
1,421 posts, read 1,897,621 times
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I always reminisce with my seven year old son. He loves hearing about stories such as: how we hid in the closet under the stairs during hurricane Ike; I maid him wear a bike helmet until we got so hot then decided to wait it out in our comfortable bed, his first peanut allergy related trip to the hospital, going to the beach, Disneyland, cue things he says, trip to DC etc. We talk about everything. I suppose he may get tired of it when he is older but I am sure we will have many more to be nostalgic about. He is my only boy and and I am a single mom so his perspective in life has been developed based on his mom's outlook on life.
Indulge your mom for the first minute or two and then redirect the focus of conversation!
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Old 10-06-2014, 12:13 AM
 
2,620 posts, read 2,512,255 times
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I have not dealt with that, but I have dealt with my parents continually making comments that bother me. I'm guessing your mom doesn't realize how her comments make you feel. I would try to explain it to her, and ask her to stop. It's possible she just doesn't know how to have a relationship with adult children. Maybe you could help by trying to come up with more current things to talk to her about. My son is 18 and I confess, I struggle making conversation. I don't want to be accused of prying into his life, so I don't ask too many questions. He and his dad have sports. I'm not really into sports, so I twiddle my thumbs. It's possible she just doesn't know how to relate now that the dynamics of your relationship has changed. Maybe you can help her along by directing the conversation more.
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Old 10-06-2014, 12:40 AM
 
Location: California
30,542 posts, read 33,365,250 times
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It's nice that this is all you have to complain about. Just be happy that she has her memories because you know what? She might not even have those one of these days.

Parent's aren't magical beings who are going to be just the way we want when we want, they are just other people with their own way of thinking. They probably wish you were different sometimes too but que sera sera.
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Old 10-06-2014, 02:56 AM
 
Location: The Netherlands
4,294 posts, read 3,066,208 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by downtownnola View Post
Almost every single time I speak to my Mom, she brings up how nice it was when my brother and I were kids.

I'm always reminded of the "good memories" we all shared. I loved my childhood, but I also love being a full grown man. At 30 years old, neither myself or my brother are in committed relationships, and I think that bothers my Mom (I am also gay, which she hates). So, as a coping mechanism, she reverts back to when we were children. I loved my childhood, but I hate hearing about my childhood and how wonderful it was every time I call. I always say things like, "the best is yet to come," but I feel like it hits deaf ears.

Childhood was great, but it was several decades ago. Time to move on with life. Has anyone else dealt with this?

I think it is a psychological issue. Also possible she tries to make her mind happy with thinking how you and your brother were kids. She might enjoy those memories than both of your present, , it might be different if one of you in a relationship got kids then the story is different. Then your mother has no time to think you gay or what. I don't think she hates it , I think she has a hard time with accepting it.Don't blame your mother as she hates being you are gay. It is not easy for a parent to accept just like baking instant cup cake, it takes time but some are getting over with some are not, So counseling or talking group with similar issues would be best for you mother.
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Old 10-06-2014, 02:58 AM
 
Location: The Netherlands
4,294 posts, read 3,066,208 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceece View Post
It's nice that this is all you have to complain about. Just be happy that she has her memories because you know what? She might not even have those one of these days.

Parent's aren't magical beings who are going to be just the way we want when we want, they are just other people with their own way of thinking. They probably wish you were different sometimes too but que sera sera.
That is true...
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Old 10-06-2014, 04:47 AM
 
Location: Tucson for awhile longer
8,872 posts, read 13,510,909 times
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I've seen this with several mothers in my family, especially the ones I would classify as helicopter moms. Their kids have grown and left the nest and they can't stop talking about the golden childhoods. They even spend a lot of time interacting with their kids' old friends even though the adult-kids have moved on to new towns and other social groups. One of them even had her children's bedrooms preserved like movie sets with their little clothes still in the drawers, their school memories and trophies displayed on shelves, and their special-interest posters on the wall. The offspring think this is crazy and encourage her to re-purpose the rooms but she can't bear the thought that they would throw all the "stuff" away if she turned it over to them.

I suspect as you do, downtownnola, that your mom is a bit unhappy with the fact you and your brother are not living the fantasy she had spun for herself when you two were youths. So she focuses on the happier past she remembers. I don't know what you can do except to redirect the conversations when she starts up with this. Perhaps you could encourage her to get involved with new interests. If she likes little kids so much, she'd probably be a great classroom assistant at an elementary school or a reader at a children's library, if she has time.

My mother, who lives with me, is now nearing 90 and if I indulged her, I swear all her conversations would be reminiscences, often about HER childhood. I've heard all the stories a thousand times and it gets really old. I often break into the monologue and say, "Let's stop walking down memory lane, Mom. Did you watch the news today? What's the weather report for tomorrow ... or who won the baseball game ... or how about that ISIS?" She scowls at me, but it does usually break the reverie.

Good luck learning to deal with this. Sad to say, it probably won't get a lot better unless perhaps one of you gentlemen coughs up some grandchildren (hey, being gay is no excuse these days).
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Old 10-06-2014, 01:24 PM
 
Location: Parker, CO
1,081 posts, read 2,733,414 times
Reputation: 1763
Quote:
Originally Posted by BOS2IAD View Post
Have you asked your mother why she always brings up your childhood? If so, what does she say? If not, then why not just ask her outright?

As a mother of a grown daughter, I can tell you that my husband and I sometimes reminisce about her childhood. However, when we talk to her, we tend to not bring it up unless it's in relation to something one of the grandkids did or said. It's along the lines of "When you were that age, you, also, liked reading that book".

Maybe your mom feels wistful about your childhood years. Perhaps she enjoyed that time in her life. How is her life currently? Are things, in general, going well with her? Sometimes when things in the present aren't going well, it's common to think back to happier times.

It's a shame that your mom "hates" that you are gay. Yet, she hasn't cut off contact with you. Can you suggest that she find a PFLAG group near where she lives? That may help her fully accept it.
I think that my Mom enjoys her current life. She and my Dad have gone on several international trips over the past few years, they recently paid off their mortgage and are preparing to retire in the next 5 or so years. For the most part, she is a happy, fun lady and a wonderful Mom. She just seems more preoccupied on the past then on the future, which can be frustrating.

Saying that my Mom hates that I'm gay was perhaps a little dramatic She and my Dad have a difficult time accepting it due to their religious beliefs, but they love me in spite of that, which I am thankful for. I would be lying however, if I didn't suspect that my Mom is a little disappointed that her vision for my life (marry a woman, settle down and have kids) didn't come true.
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