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Old 10-08-2014, 08:26 PM
16,025 posts, read 19,562,924 times
Reputation: 26184


You would not be doing the right thing having your husband give up his new job. If it were me, I would go visit, as long as your middle son can rent your home...I have a feeling that if you will just adjust your move, the boys will eventually make the move too.

Look at it this way...your middle son was going to go to college. Your younger son, while he has disabilities....has made some grown up decisions, to stay at his school. I also have a disabled son....I know your fears...I totally get it.

Part of what you're feeling is pure separation anxiety. You can do a lot more with your husbands new income, and while your younger son has some day to day transition issues....you didn't say he was at risk with your husband, it will actually be a growing experience for him. As a junior, he is only short time away from college or wanting to live on his own...get a job. He sounds like a very well rounded kid, you've obviously done a great job and that is not easy. Keep the door open.....try to model for them strength.

Try skyping on FB...it may make it feel better than just phoning. Have they visited there yet....I have always heard how gorgeous it is in that area...I cannot imagine young guys that wouldn't love it, all the outdoor activities they will have a chance to do.....I think if thy come for a normal visit, soon you will not be having to worry about them wanting to be there.....it will happen naturally...

You are his safety net, you will be there...But, the there should imo be where your husbands new job is....I reread your post. You described all his struggles, the fact you were financially failing in Detroit... for him to have gotten another chance with the job market we have seen in this country for the last several years is a real blessing.

I know you are feeling fearful and afraid for your son, maybe even for both of them....But, think of all that you can now offer them, more security, and lovely place to live....once they come around.....They will come around, or they will adjust....all transitions are difficult....But, sometimes the growth is worth it....Hang in there.

Also....You are truly blessed with a loving husband, who even after all his struggling, offered to go back...I hope that you don't make him do that.... ...

Have the boys come visit, gradually, they will come to see the beautiful area as a place they want to be. It will work out....try to visit them, often as you can....You're their Mom, you can give them strength, and together you all can get through this.....maybe eventually plan to move your Mom up there, that will take some anxiety away. Best to you

Last edited by JanND; 10-08-2014 at 08:59 PM.. Reason: edit text
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Old 10-09-2014, 06:21 PM
16,990 posts, read 20,588,424 times
Reputation: 33951
Originally Posted by shadowfax View Post
If your so is old enough to decide where he wants to live he is old enough to learn how to deal with the results of his choices. You need to stop tying yourself in knots trying to keep everyone happy.You need to say, "This is the decision dad and I made. It is what is best for us and for our family and that is not going to change no matter how much you cry about it." Your son needs to figure out how to deal with his issues. Otherwise how is he ever going to function as an adult?

My younger brother did something similar but for better reasons when we were teens. My mother held her ground. It was less than a year before he decided to move back with my mom and I. Parents really need to stop letting children run their lives for them. We are winding up with too many young adults who don't know how to function on their own.

Best advice on here. Who is the child and who is the parent?

OP, sounds like you're going through a lot at once, and I am sorry for that. But you should have told the 16yr old we're moving as we need to in order to stay financially afloat. If we don't move we may end up on the street. Other than a terminal illness, facing financial ruin is about as bad as it can get.

You shouldn't have given him the option. If he got up there and really hated it after a certain period of time to adjust than he could have gone to his father's house.

Sell or rent your house, you have an opportunity that many people who are in a tight way money wise don't get, don't blow it by wasting this extra money coming in.

You let him run the show, 16yr olds shouldn't be running the show.
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