Relocation: Missing son (father, husband, guilty, member)

[riverclark67]

I am so confused. Our family was having extreme hardship where we resided - Metro Detroit area. Husband and I were both employed but I would say my husband was "underemployed" as for having various advanced degrees and he was definitely being underpaid. He worked for contract security companies in management that promised him advancement and pay increases after a period of time, and both of these companies did not follow through despite an excellent work performance record. Our incomes was about on par with our bills and often we were in the hole. We were deeply in debt and our house was deeply underwater and we were just not making it financially. We were not irresponsible with money. I was a single Mom for 16 years with with 2 sons and 1 with a disability. My husband and I met and later married in 2013. He had some financial struggles of his own due to several job losses - he came to Michigan as a manager of a warehouse distributation center and it closed within a few months of his relocation. He got back into contract security as he has a degree in criminal justice and was in a manager making middle class income when the contract renegotiated and his incomes was literally cut in half.

After we married, he received word of a promotion from his current company that was going to pay over double his salary. Actually two and half times his currently salary! This would be huge increase for us financially and would get us out of financial hardship. However, there was a catch. We had to relocate almost 500 miles away to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. While husband and I both love the UP , this was quite a distance to relocate and we have one son - age 21 who is not financially independent. He was living with us and working a low-paying full-time job. He had decided to (finally) go to college next semester. His plan was to live with us and attend college and work.

We also have a high-functioning autistic son who is a sophomore in high school. Needless to say moving schools is difficult in high school let alone a young teen who requires special education. He has been in the same school system since kindergarten. The social workers, teachers, speech therapist etc know him very well. He been doing very well in general ed setting with only pull out for language arts. He made the honor roll, has a small group of friends and he was on the varsity swim team his freshman year and plans to continue with the team throughout high school. Needless to say, he is doing very well so the thoughts of moving him were concerning.

To make matters more complicated I have an elderly mother - my father just passed a few year ago and I was the only child still in the area with my sister having relocated out of state 7 years ago.

However, husband and I decided due to our financial situation we could not pass the opportunity up. That is when the real problems began. My husband had to be on the job almost immediately. I stayed behind with sons as youngest was still in school and husband went up to the UP to try to find housing and stayed in a hotel which his company paid for. Youngest son and I made a trip up to visit schools in the new area. Our youngest son told us about halfway through last summer that he could not go through with the move and asked to be allowed to move in with his father (my husband is his stepfather) who lives in a nearby town. We talked and talked and had family meetings. I had grave concerns. My son had resided with me his entire life with only weekend visitation to his dad. I had coordinated all his IEP and school meetings, medical, and therapies. But, he is 16 and he is of age if he was asked in court who to he wants to live with the judge would take his wishes into consideration. We tried to convince him to come with us and give it a try (as did his social worker at school who felt it would be better for son to be with me), but to no avail. Younger son held fast. He moved in with his Dad, step mom, and younger brother this past fall. I moved up with my husband to the UP. My oldest son is currently renting our old home downstate until we can decide what we are going to do with it.

I am miserable and younger son is miserable although he he as good day and bad ones. Some days calls me crying because he is missing me so much. I still cannot convince him to come to our new location to finish school, and I do understand as it's so hard to transition to a new school in high school especially when a child has a disability.

I feel stuck. Darned if I do and darned if I don't. For now, I can go back and forth between our old home and new area. I can stay for extended time downstate if my son needs me to do so at our old home.
But I feel like I am living in limbo and eventually we will either have to let the house downstate go, try to sell it or rent it. Then, I could stay with my mother but probably not more than a week at a time. I just don't know how we are going to handle this situation long term until he graduates. Son has 2 more years of school after this one.

I desperately want to move back downstate at least until younger son graduates. I know he would move back with me in an instant if we did move back. However, husband has a good paying job up here. The area is beautiful and this position is doing so much for his career having him jump to more upper management type of position. He has been searching for over 2 years - long since before he got his present position - for a comparable job downstate and simply cannot find anything. He is willing to relocate back if only we can find him a job even somewhat close to the present position. We are willing to take somewhat of a pay cut but we don't want to go back to living hand to mouth either.

Up here we are just so cut off from both the boys and my elderly mother who lives alone downstate. At times I feel we made a horrible mistake accepting this position, but our backs were against a wall financially and we made our decision originally based on the fact that we believe the family , at least our youngest son, would be coming with us. Now everything has changed and we are stuck here.

I have been so depressed and having panic attacks since we moved up here. I feel sick all of the time. I am missing my sons so much it breaks my heart. I do try to go out and do things. We have tried to find a church here. My husband and I have taken several day trips to see the autumn colors and natural beauty and for awhile I am feeling blessed to live in such a gorgeous area, but then after the trips are done and I am back to the day to day - I am just missing my immediate family so much I feel I cannot bear it.

I have decided to go back down state and stay a few weeks and spend time with son. However, I cannot imagine having to do this back and forth for 3 more years. It's an 8 hour car trip each way. Feeling so hopeless and hoping for any advice at all.

[Hedgehog_Mom]

What about living apart from your husband until your son graduates? Would it be possible for your husband to fly out to visit you a couple weekends a month if you moved back home?

If you stay where you are, you should find some employment or volunteer work that will occupy some of your time so you're not feeling so out of place and lost.

[willow wind]

I truly empathize with you. This is a difficult situation to be in. You feel you're being pulled in all different directions.

Right now you seem to be looking at the picture from the immediate day to day perspective.

I would look at it from the long term. Your primary relationship and your primary responsibility is toward your husband. This is the man with whom you will hopefully grow old. You have to plan for your financial future, your retirement. No one is going to take care of you two but yourselves. That means you stay where you are, pay off debt, set up savings plans, etc. Decent, well paying jobs are hard to find. When you find a good one, hang onto it.

Your 21 year old son is an adult. What he chooses to do with his life is his choice. If he wants to live with you, he can move to the UP, go to college there & and still live at home with you there. There are technical schools, community colleges and universities in the UP. Who knows, he may find a girl friend and decide to move 500 miles way in a year or so. What you can't do is arrange your life to suit an adult child. You have no idea where his life may lead him in the next few years.

I'm assuming your mom is at or close to retirement age. She has two choices also. She either ages in place where she is now or she too can move to the UP to be closer to you. Her working life is coming to a close. Yours and your husband's have decades to go. Those who have to work take priority in living arrangements over those who are retiring.

Your younger son is safe, He is living with a parent. He has a two sets of family - you and his biological father. He has not been abandoned. This is a short term problem.- three years or less. It's not forever. When he graduates high school, then what ? I don't know his level of autism. However, once out of high school, then there could be further schooling, group home, independent living, a job, depending upon his capabilities. Any of that can happen just as easily in the UP as in the old hometown.

What I also wouldn't do is to let all these other adult or near adult family come between you and your husband. Don't let your husband feel abandoned. Your marriage may not last if you do that. Don't let them ruin your financial future. You seem to be trying to figure out a way to do enough to get by. That's not good planning money wise. You have to do enough to take care of today and put plenty aside for the future.

Visit the old home town a few times a year if you can. Stay in touch via Skype, etc. Have younger son spend summers with you. What you don't want to do with your youngest son is to cry and get emotional with him. In other words, don't feed his concerns. Don't let him feed your misery either. Recognize his and your desire to have the old life back. But also let him be aware that this is the new reality. The old life is dead- it wasn't working out. What you do now is to deal with the new life. Give it time . Good luck

[hothulamaui]

this is what military families feel as well. think about the positives. develop who you are as a woman not just a mom, one day there is an empty nest. go see them every chance you can, even if it is an 8 hr. one way. 8 hrs is close enough that you shouldn't feel completely disconnected, they are a days drive away.

[brokensky]

You don't get a re-do . . . you are either there for your sons at this critical time or you aren't. You are obviously suffering greatly from this situation and you wouldn't have posted here if you hadn't wanted some varying opinions.

You need to put your sons first. At 21, your son still very much needs his mom, despite what others will say about his being an adult, etc. He is a very young adult. But your other son - that is the really tough situation. Plus you have your elderly mom.

Either your husband backs you up or he doesn't. You were willing to uproot your life when his job came through (and it sounds like it was the right thing for him to take that job).

But you are a mother first. So go get an apartment and a job, if you need one, and take care of your sons and your mother. That is what I would do.

[shadowfax]

If your so is old enough to decide where he wants to live he is old enough to learn how to deal with the results of his choices. You need to stop tying yourself in knots trying to keep everyone happy.You need to say, "This is the decision dad and I made. It is what is best for us and for our family and that is not going to change no matter how much you cry about it." Your son needs to figure out how to deal with his issues. Otherwise how is he ever going to function as an adult?

My younger brother did something similar but for better reasons when we were teens. My mother held her ground. It was less than a year before he decided to move back with my mom and I. Parents really need to stop letting children run their lives for them. We are winding up with too many young adults who don't know how to function on their own.

[Lost Roses]

My opinion only - your responsibility lies with your autistic son. Your husband is a very recent addition to your life and I'm sure he is well aware of the responsibilities you've had all those years before he came on the scene. I think you'll be carrying on a long-distance relationship with your husband for awhile. It's not forever and for all you know your son may settle in better with his other family within a few months. I feel for your situation, but remember to take it one day at a time.

[Hopes]

What's going to become of your 21 year old who wants to attend college when he is renting a house from you that you couldn't afford while you lived there? I'm sure your husband earns more than your 21 year old son, and you guys couldn't afford it while you lived there.

It doesn't sound like you're employed since you say you can go and spend weeks at a time down state. Isn't it possible your family finances would have benefitted by you finding a job for yourself so the second income could allow the entire family could remain in the Detroit area together until your youngest son graduated?

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, but you only married your husband a year ago. That doesn't rank as high as children you've raised for 14 and 21 years who are still not successfully out of the nest.

If your husband could get a great job now elsewhere, he can get one in four years after your youngest graduates. If he's not willing to relocate back, I'd move back and live separately from your youngest graduates. A long distance marriage is less of a sacrifice than long distance parenting IMO.

I don't know. I wouldn't have left my children behind before they were ready.

[WorldKlas]

My husband was transferred to CA when my son (his stepson) was 16 and doing great in high school. The economy was dreadful at the time and I was not certain I could get a job. I had a good job in Dallas. But my husband's choice was to take the transfer or lose his job. So, we lived apart for 3 years. He rented a small apartment and we stayed at the house. This, before internet was available and long distance phone calls were very expensive.

We survived. And my child would have had to go to a very undesirable situation at a vulnerable time in his life. It was far from perfect, but I think my son was better for the decision. I was sad and lonely, and our solution was pretty expensive....but still better than unemployment. I made this decision because my own parents had the same situation when my younger brother was 16. He had such a poor adjustment that he dropped out of high school and resented my foks for many years.

Our family and friends speculated (behind our backs) that our marriage was not good because of this decision. They couldn't have been more wrong. I had my son first, I had already put him through my divorce and I felt I owed him an uninterruped last years of school.

[Blondebaerde]

Originally Posted by riverclark67

I am so confused. Our family was having extreme hardship where we resided - Metro Detroit area.

I have decided to go back down state and stay a few weeks and spend time with son. However, I cannot imagine having to do this back and forth for 3 more years. It's an 8 hour car trip each way. Feeling so hopeless and hoping for any advice at all.

Economics are tougher than ever these days, no laughing matter. If it was between that (a move) and going broke, well, I'd have made the same call. Hell, I doubled my salary moving away from California, going from "pretty good" to "outstanding", on the same theory. That made all the difference over the long run, so economically you're on the right path. Difference being there was nothing left behind, in my case. Still, a big deal and incredibly disruptive.

Growing up in metro Detroit, north side, I do understand that moving to the "Yupe, eh?" is a big deal in and of itself, given how far away everything is. It was rural and small back then, I'm sure the economics and general area haven't changed all that much one end to the other. Great places to visit, in the summer. Might not want to live there. Though sounds like you're making the best of it. Eight hours from metro Detroit presumably means Marquette or Hancock-Houghton. Wouldn't try that drive in the winter, either, though maybe they plow well.

Unfortunately, guess you'll have to shuttle it around next few years until youngest graduates and then...? I realize this is nothing to make light of, with special needs and all. Curious what older son will do, though he's probably got a good deal going at the moment with his own house (so to speak) in metro Detroit. I'd put him on a shot-clock to get out, too, but every family dynamic is different when it comes to that.

The decision will be, in the end, which bond is more important: economic realities, or family. Each family has to make their own call: mine is (was) not yours.