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Old 10-13-2014, 08:26 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,166 posts, read 20,489,510 times
Reputation: 26444

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For years, my mother put me down because I didn't finish college (she threw me out of her house halfway through my first semester and I had to go to work so I could pay for a place to live) and didn't have the kind of money or career she hoped I would have. She used to tell me, "I'm sorry you dropped out of college and so you can never have a house." She got even worse about it when I quit working to raise my children. Now I have a nicer house than she does, and there are other aspects of my life that she's jealous of.

I think the difference between your 20's and your 30's is that in your 20's, you worry about what others think and try to measure up. In your 30's, you start caring more about your happiness than what other people think about you. That's how it's been for me, anyhow.
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Old 10-13-2014, 09:47 AM
 
8,080 posts, read 13,468,155 times
Reputation: 10322
Quote:
Originally Posted by kletter1mann View Post

You don't mention it, but are you being supported in other ways, beyond what your own income allows? (family paid vacations, cars, cell phones, etc etc)? If so, you're right, that's not independence. Either quit taking the support or quit worrying about it. Can't have it both ways (in fairness it isn't clear that this is the case, you're not very explicit about your situation).
Exactly what I was thinking...

Maybe they are supporting you and you're conflicted about whether to become
truly independent or continue to be supported by them...

If you quit taking the money and became an adult you would
feel much better....

Last edited by kelly237; 10-13-2014 at 11:17 AM..
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Old 10-13-2014, 10:42 AM
 
Location: Brooklyn, NY
33 posts, read 27,325 times
Reputation: 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
Well, I am the only person in my family who is not independent. Meaning that I don't have my own family (I have not married yet) Although I don't want to, it does feel awkward sometimes because all my siblings have married or is getting married.

Although I am the baby in the family, I think I am no longer happy with the idea of been taken care of.

My two brothers are financially very comfortable. (both of them are self made millionaires) I make all right income but I am not making as much as they do.

Although my sister is newly divorced, at the very least, she has two beautiful children who make her feel complete.

I love my brothers, don't get me wrong. But I feel I will never measure up no matter how hard I try.

When I was little (well, when I was a teenager) I am used to hear "I will take care of you." But now, hearing "I will take care of you" sounds a little bit awkward.

I have two retail businesses and I just started another retail business. I have a pretty successful online business. I am also a part of the music festival business that my family has. I feel I have no direction in life at this moment because I just don't have the stability that I have been looking for.

I guess I am doing just fine compare to other people my age. But my brothers will always do better me.

How do I (or you) cope with this? I will always feel inferior to my brothers I sometimes even feel inferior to my sister.

I am happy with where I am right now but I do feel stuck. Does it make any sense?

I sometimes feel like a loser and the only loser in my family. Am I being reasonable here? I am sorry that my post is all over the places, but this is exactly how I feel at this moment.

My brother is getting married next January. Although I am happy for him, I feel uneasy about my own situation. I will all of sudden become the only "SINGLE" person in my family.

I just don't know how to cope with all these overwhelming feelings.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

p.s. I want to be single at this stage of my life. But I do feel alone. Does it even make any sense?
You own three or four businesses (at least two of them are successful). You seem successful in life and you comfortable being single. If that's being a loser, well then, you're a very successful one. For the record, you're not a loser. Not at all! You handle your business and do what's right for you.
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Old 10-13-2014, 10:54 AM
 
12,540 posts, read 12,534,220 times
Reputation: 28901
There's always going to be someone more successful, with more money, with more "trappings" than you have. If you spend your life comparing yourself to them, you'll never be happy. True happiness comes from appreciating what you have and being content with it. Not saying not to have goals or not to strive for improvement. Just that unless you're Bill Gates, someone is always going to have more money and more stuff, so there's no point in worrying about it.

I get that it could be tough when everyone else in your family seems to be doing "better" than you are, but are they really? No one's life is perfect. They have their problems, too.

In your shoes, I would just concentrate on living my life how I want. The only person you have to live with is yourself, and the only person whose opinion you need to worry about in terms of your career and lifestyle is you. There is tremendous freedom in that, freedom that people with spouses, kids, and high-powered jobs don't have. Indeed, trading your life for your sister's or your brothers' is really just trading one set of worries for another. Once you marry, or once you have kids, it's no longer about you, so enjoy your freedom now. Once you have money, you worry about people trying to take it from you, and let's be honest here: Money does more to corrupt people than anything else. It really is the root of all evil. Look at some of the people on this very forum who can't bring themselves to love or trust someone else completely because they're so worried that their partner is going to try to take money from them. It's so clear that they love whatever money they have more than they could love another human being, and that is sad.

Just do you, Lily, and the rest will work itself out.
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Old 10-13-2014, 11:22 AM
 
8,080 posts, read 13,468,155 times
Reputation: 10322
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
Well, I am the only person in my family who is not independent. Meaning that I don't have my own family (I have not married yet) .....

Although I am the baby in the family, I think I am no longer happy with the idea of been taken care of.


The definition of independent is not "having your own family"....


Are you talking about finacially when you say "being taken care of"


If so, you cannot have it both ways..
You cannot live off of others & be independent..

Which do you choose ????
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Old 10-13-2014, 12:39 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
33,336 posts, read 20,124,483 times
Reputation: 13023
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110 View Post
There's always going to be someone more successful, with more money, with more "trappings" than you have. If you spend your life comparing yourself to them, you'll never be happy. True happiness comes from appreciating what you have and being content with it. Not saying not to have goals or not to strive for improvement. Just that unless you're Bill Gates, someone is always going to have more money and more stuff, so there's no point in worrying about it.

I get that it could be tough when everyone else in your family seems to be doing "better" than you are, but are they really? No one's life is perfect. They have their problems, too.

In your shoes, I would just concentrate on living my life how I want. The only person you have to live with is yourself, and the only person whose opinion you need to worry about in terms of your career and lifestyle is you. There is tremendous freedom in that, freedom that people with spouses, kids, and high-powered jobs don't have. Indeed, trading your life for your sister's or your brothers' is really just trading one set of worries for another. Once you marry, or once you have kids, it's no longer about you, so enjoy your freedom now. Once you have money, you worry about people trying to take it from you, and let's be honest here: Money does more to corrupt people than anything else. It really is the root of all evil. Look at some of the people on this very forum who can't bring themselves to love or trust someone else completely because they're so worried that their partner is going to try to take money from them. It's so clear that they love whatever money they have more than they could love another human being, and that is sad.

Just do you, Lily, and the rest will work itself out.
Thank you so much Lilac.

And thanks everybody for responding this thread. It makes me feel better.

I wish I can tell more about my life story but it takes way too much time.

I think my bro's upcoming marriage just really freaks me out. Then this is another long story.
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Old 10-13-2014, 02:25 PM
 
10 posts, read 8,418 times
Reputation: 16
In my Fathers family the average is two bachelors (the most being three bachelors, a master and a doctorate). Of the cousins I am the only one that is doesn't have at least one bachelors or at least well on the way. While I attended for two years, I left for health reasons. Now my health is up to scratch but I have no urge to go back. I'm headed to barber school. Yes it somewhat sucks seeing that I am not on par with them, and I will probably never have the money they do. On the other hand I remember that this is what I enjoy doing and I'd rather do that then waste my life at a job I hate for a bit more cash.
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Old 10-13-2014, 03:06 PM
 
605 posts, read 467,728 times
Reputation: 1093
OP: If you own your own business you are already more successful than most of the people in the US so you should feel good about yourself based on that merit alone. Anyways relationships in general are overrated anyways (judging from the amount of people who are stuck in bad relationships,divorced, etc) so enjoy being single and don't feel pressured to be in one just because of family pressure.
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Old 10-13-2014, 05:24 PM
 
Location: Northern NJ
7,954 posts, read 7,920,284 times
Reputation: 11183
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
My heart goes out to your cousin.

It is not easy to be compared to your overly successful siblings. And if you are a woman, no matter what, you would be judged based upon your marital status.

30 is a magic number and if you are 30 and is still single. People would definitely look at you weird.

"brag worthy" that is the words that I've been looking for. I don't believe my parents have ever bragged about me even though I and my brother are the two artists in the family and others are only capable of drawing stick figures.

The subtle things my parents say bother me at times.

For example, almost every single businesses I started have been funded by my family. I just don't feel very "independent."

You are right that not every kid is going to be bill gates but if others in your families are like the next best thing to Bill Gates, you would most likely feeling like a loser with capital L.

My only single brother is getting married and although my sister is freshly divorced. Somehow, I am still the ONLY SINGLE person in the family because she after all has two children to make her complete

My family members still tell me they are very proud of me. I wonder if this is really the case.
You sound criminally emotionally overly dependent on your family in every respect. Basically, screw them. Leave them. Stop talking to them. Stop comparing yourself to them. They don't exist, except for Thanksgiving and Christmas. You should be on your own and you should literally never think about your dopey brothers or what they have.

Independence. Declare it. Leave the businesses. Leave the area. Leave your parents. Leave your brothers. Be alone. Take care of yourself. The rest will be easy. You are ashamed of yourself right now and rightfully so. You are behaving in an irrational and weak fashion by worrying about what everyone "thinks" of you. Guess what? They really don't think of you. They are living their lives, the way you should be.
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Old 10-13-2014, 06:23 PM
 
8,080 posts, read 13,468,155 times
Reputation: 10322
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc Paolella View Post

Independence. Declare it. Leave the businesses. Leave the area. Leave your parents. Leave your brothers. Be alone. Take care of yourself. The rest will be easy. You are ashamed of yourself right now and rightfully so. You are behaving in an irrational and weak fashion by worrying about what everyone "thinks" of you. Guess what? They really don't think of you. They are living their lives, the way you should be.

Everyone needs to read between the lines..
OP ..correct me if I am wrong !!!

She depends on her family financially and then complains that
she doesn't feel independent....
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