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Old 10-16-2014, 01:16 PM
 
4,586 posts, read 4,607,000 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by greenice View Post
So on Oct. 23rd my husband and I are supposed to go to a function for his friends. It's a holiday so there will be lots of people, and families. The thing is, I don't want to go. He's welcome to go, he's welcome to take our daughter. I just don't want to go.

Everytime I go to these things people just act as if I'm not supposed to be there. As if I crashed their party. The wives often ignore me, I'm talked to as if I'm stupid. I just don't understand why I have to go. I tried telling him but he just pouts and says he won't go to the party either. It's a major holiday for him, he should go. I'm just stressed.
Same happens to me; I hate it. I don't get why he just won't go and leave me out of it! I don't connect or relate with that crowd one bit.

Pretend you're sick...
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Old 10-16-2014, 02:42 PM
 
225 posts, read 310,200 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by greenice View Post
It's Diwali. I would go if they were kinder to me, I've even heard jokes about European women be err...immoral. (I'm a Ukrainian/Armenian mutt from IL) So they aren't just cold to me, they're hostile.

I lived in India for a year and people were always so nice, I had plenty of friends. This group of women just doesn't want me around which is fine. The only person not cool with me staying home is my husband.
I had to look this up. Diwali. OK got it. You are a white women married to a South Asian man. What you are experiencing is not unusual. Sucks being a minority in a group. His response is not unusual either. He does not want to deal with it and feels you should not take it personally. I.E "Hon don't take this stuff personally it's is not big deal." BTW your husband being SA goes through this in majority white situations so I guess the feeling is if he can take it so can you.

I am married inter racially. I have experienced some of what you are going through. Not exactly but close enough. After giving it the old college try I put my comfort first and told hubby to attend events where I was made to feel unwelcome alone. When asked why I did not attend I was honest about why. Do not make this your problem. Shift it over to your husband and the people who are making you comfortable. While he is at the celebration do something nice for you.

Look just because the two of you have no problem with a cross cultural relationship and marriage does not mean that every one else is going to feel that way. In fact count on most people not liking it. As I said before I am in an interracial marriage. Most people keep their opinions to themselves but others do not. I do not have to put up with the people who don't so I won't suffer them. It goes both ways. I do not force my husband to attend events that he is uncomfortable attending. Works just fine for us since these situations do not occur often.

Life is too short to bother with jerks IMO so I don't.

Last edited by cattusbabe; 10-16-2014 at 03:01 PM..
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Old 10-16-2014, 02:46 PM
 
4,586 posts, read 4,607,000 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cattusbabe View Post
I had to look this up. Diwali. OK got it. You are a white women married to a South Asian man. What you are experiencing is not unusual. His response is not unusual either. I am married inter racially. I have experienced some of what you are going through. Not exactly but close enough. After giving it the old college try I put my comfort first and told hubby to attend events where I was made to feel unwelcome alone.

When asked why I did not attend I was honest about why. Do not make this your problem. Shift it over to your husband and the people who are making you comfortable.

While he is at the celebration do something nice for you.
If her excuse is that she is married to an Asian, what's my husband's excuse? we're both white as snow?

Let me put it this way: IF the husband does NOT make an effort to integrate you with these people more often, so you too become a part of their circle, and get their stupid inside jokes, then he has no right to pout at your request to not go. You're not his pet.
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Old 10-16-2014, 02:54 PM
 
Location: Northern Ireland
3,402 posts, read 2,583,325 times
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I have to travel to my sisters wedding. I can't be bothered honestly, I won't know alot of people at the wedding and it is expensive. I hate weddings and cannot be bothered but I have to go.
I can't wait to I am the age were I can just decide not to goto these events. Honestly you get no benefit to going to these things, it sounds like he just uses you as someone to go with and then leave. I'd just not go.

As an adult you can do what you want.
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Old 10-16-2014, 04:47 PM
 
48 posts, read 57,157 times
Reputation: 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by cattusbabe View Post
I had to look this up. Diwali. OK got it. You are a white women married to a South Asian man. What you are experiencing is not unusual. Sucks being a minority in a group. His response is not unusual either. He does not want to deal with it and feels you should not take it personally. I.E "Hon don't take this stuff personally it's is not big deal." BTW your husband being SA goes through this in majority white situations so I guess the feeling is if he can take it so can you.

I am married inter racially. I have experienced some of what you are going through. Not exactly but close enough. After giving it the old college try I put my comfort first and told hubby to attend events where I was made to feel unwelcome alone. When asked why I did not attend I was honest about why. Do not make this your problem. Shift it over to your husband and the people who are making you comfortable. While he is at the celebration do something nice for you.

Look just because the two of you have no problem with a cross cultural relationship and marriage does not mean that every one else is going to feel that way. In fact count on most people not liking it. As I said before I am in an interracial marriage. Most people keep their opinions to themselves but others do not. I do not have to put up with the people who don't so I won't suffer them. It goes both ways. I do not force my husband to attend events that he is uncomfortable attending. Works just fine for us since these situations do not occur often.

Life is too short to bother with jerks IMO so I don't.
He doesn't visit with my family because he doesn't like them nor do we actually celebrate Christmas. I love him and I don't mind having changed my diet and traditions, I'm just saying I don't want to go with these particular people.
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Old 10-16-2014, 04:54 PM
 
12,544 posts, read 12,466,546 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by greenice View Post
He doesn't visit with my family because he doesn't like them nor do we actually celebrate Christmas. I love him and I don't mind having changed my diet and traditions, I'm just saying I don't want to go with these particular people.
*screeeeeeeeeeeeech*

He doesn't visit with your family because he doesn't like them, but you're supposed to visit with mere associates of his that you know only well enough to know that they are nasty people?

Show him this thread. He needs to read about what a double-standard-bearing knucklehead he is acting like.
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Old 10-16-2014, 04:55 PM
 
Location: Myrtle Creek, Oregon
12,092 posts, read 12,408,399 times
Reputation: 19045
Go to the party. Take a book and a hip flask. Sit in a corner and enjoy yourself. I'm hard of hearing, and the babble of voices at a party is completely incomprehensible to me, but I go because my wife feels weird if I'm not there. I smile, say hi, and pick a corner.
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Old 10-16-2014, 07:26 PM
 
11,212 posts, read 8,356,190 times
Reputation: 20257
No need to be stressed. Set a time limit and maybe he will let you skip out early and he can stay? You have to make a show of it. It's important to him. Maybe if you spend a lot of money to look beautiful he will let you skip it next year! Also, when you're there, look around and see if there's someone else who is being shunned. Form a new friendship!
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Old 10-17-2014, 04:11 AM
 
18,291 posts, read 23,418,375 times
Reputation: 34221
that's why liquor is served at these gatherings- helps with the tolerance


if you are pretty and thin, then your man wants you there for eye candy, and will hear how pretty you are from the other guys, if the other women are much older, larger, of course they aren't going to like you, they don't want any pictures taken next to you, if you make them look like a whale

you should stand your ground on this one- refuse to go- if he pushes,,,he's a bit of a control freak or thinks he owns you

if he does , shame you into going, tell him you will tell all the other wives, he has a small penis
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Old 10-17-2014, 06:35 AM
 
13,115 posts, read 17,674,359 times
Reputation: 19674
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenice View Post
He doesn't visit with my family because he doesn't like them nor do we actually celebrate Christmas. I love him and I don't mind having changed my diet and traditions, I'm just saying I don't want to go with these particular people.
You also say that your family did not come to your wedding or your daughter's birth. There seems to be some mutual distance keeping.

You can bite the bullet and go for his sake or both of you will be talked about. Professional communities are small and news travels fast. It will be there before he starts his new job. Or you can go the drama mama route, stomp your feet and throw a "they do not let me play with them" tantrum.
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