U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 10-30-2014, 09:44 AM
 
Location: Canada
9,076 posts, read 8,347,641 times
Reputation: 19437

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by nikitakolata View Post
I don't expect guests to work either, but that's the thing, they are GUESTS. I invite them over at a specific time for a specific purpose. It sounds like the OP has no real say in whether or not his in-laws visit and can't even dictate how long they are in his house. That's no longer a guest, it's an imposition.

^^^This. And their visit changes the dynamic of the whole household, having to lock the dog in a bedroom for a week, and all of their expectations that follow a full day of work for the OP and spouse, while the in-laws sit around all day. Houseguests should not create such inconvenience and hardship for their hosts.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 10-31-2014, 09:43 AM
 
Location: Back & Forth
210 posts, read 635,056 times
Reputation: 401
We've had tons of guests over the years - some have been easy, others not so much.

I was raised to be helpful and adapt to the hosts style when visiting others, and I expect the same of guests in our home, it should be common sense!!

These are the basic rules we apply to ourselves when visiting family/friends:

- If your host is a clean freak, then keep your room/bathroom clean and contribute to cleaning up, it goes a long way and really one should do this anyway (I'm admittedly a clean freak).
- If your host doesn't want help in the kitchen and is territorial - then contribute in another ways.
- Bring your own car or rent a car
- Leave gift cards and thank you notes for your host. It costs money to have people stay and it's the kind and proper thing to do.
- at the end of your stay - clean the bathroom and wash your sheets!
- Don't assume friends/family want you to stay with them
- Don't rely on your host to entertain you. It's not their job to plan your stay
- just because your on vacation, doesn't mean your host is
- 1 week should be the absolute longest visit- don't over stay

Our home is where we LIVE, we are not a hotel & restaurant service and we don't expect that when we are staying with people. While we're more than happy to spoil and entertain guests, it can't be expected.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-31-2014, 08:04 PM
 
16,019 posts, read 19,688,452 times
Reputation: 26200
Quote:
Originally Posted by afoigrokerkok View Post
1) They cook dinner for you.

2) They don't come that often and, even when they do, neither of you takes off work.

I honestly think you need to just give this up. This really isn't so terrible and coming between your wife and her parents over this sort of thing will not end well.
I totally agree. And, what's with resenting that they don't go pick up your kids?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-31-2014, 08:17 PM
 
16,019 posts, read 19,688,452 times
Reputation: 26200
Quote:
Originally Posted by scottrod View Post
I am very appreciative and gracious of them cooking food for us.

There are other options for them too, staying at her sisters house which is 15 minutes away.

I treat people how I would expect to be treated (with respect, generosity, etc). It is just not reciprocated on their part. I used to do a lot more for them when they would come stay at my house, but have stopped because I don't feel that i get the same treatment when we visit them (we have to buy most of our own food for my children, take them places, etc).
This seems awfully petty imo. I think you are being passive aggressive because you don't like how they have treated you. And, that resentment is making you

Think about how they treat your children, that is the primary concern. If they are loving to your children and visiting you to be able to see their grand babies....then write the other stuff off.

When I took my kids places to visit, I always bought extra groceries.

When you go to costco, are they buying groceries and things to use with you all while they visit? Perhaps they have a creditcard for costco...

The only other thing you can do is suggest that your wife talk to them, and perhaps they can stay with the other daughter, at least on alternating visits.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-31-2014, 08:30 PM
 
Location: Santa Cruz
698 posts, read 643,523 times
Reputation: 718
Inlaws are there FOR A WHOLE 7 days? That's crazy. You guys need time alone together. That's too long of an imposition of a barking dog in the bedroom, carting them around town, all after working 8 hrs. So nice they cook though but I need a BREAK after 8 hrs, not another job to come home to. But I'd be fine for a few days in this circumstance, but for seven, no fricken way. My own parents or my hubby's, same thing.

I'd plan for the kids to spend time with their grandparents ALONE a few days out of the week. Giving you both a break and time to be together.

Thank the inlaws for babysitting, then leave!

Last edited by CaliforniaGal1; 10-31-2014 at 08:41 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-31-2014, 08:39 PM
 
16,019 posts, read 19,688,452 times
Reputation: 26200
Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete View Post
Couple things pop out to suggest this isn't a simple situation...

1) Visits happen 2x a year. I know this is just my opinion, but for a family with kids, having visitors for 2+ weeks a year begins to border on disruptive. (Personally, I could not have the expectation that I'd be automatically welcome somewhere for 2 weeks a year.)

2) The in-laws don't stay with the sister. Red flag...or at least orange.
OP said they come for 1 week.....couple times a year. He should let his wife drive them to costco, or anything else that he is quibbling over....How petty.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-31-2014, 08:44 PM
 
Location: Santa Cruz
698 posts, read 643,523 times
Reputation: 718
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
This seems awfully petty imo. I think you are being passive aggressive because you don't like how they have treated you. And, that resentment is making you

Think about how they treat your children, that is the primary concern. If they are loving to your children and visiting you to be able to see their grand babies....then write the other stuff off.

When I took my kids places to visit, I always bought extra groceries.

When you go to costco, are they buying groceries and things to use with you all while they visit? Perhaps they have a creditcard for costco...

The only other thing you can do is suggest that your wife talk to them, and perhaps they can stay with the other daughter, at least on alternating visits.
Part of loving your own grandchildren is respecting their papa. Expecting their papa to cart them both around to Costco, then fork over the bill for their staying at their home for the whole week, isn't something the kids need to learn is acceptable behavior. Their poor parents have already worked full time. These cycles get repeated for generations if no one has enough love for the kids to set some boundaries for Grandma and Grandpa

Last edited by CaliforniaGal1; 10-31-2014 at 08:54 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-01-2014, 05:43 AM
 
Location: Connecticut is my adopted home.
2,277 posts, read 3,079,972 times
Reputation: 7018
OP I feel your pain. We are returning home from the in-laws (no we don't stay with them) that live four large western states away from us. It's never terribly pleasant to visit them and was similarly not fun when they were able to visit us over the years. We are just very different people.

Both are aged considerably and we came out west this week to help with setting up home health care after FIL's stay at an extended care facility. MIL is a control freak (acknowledged by all) and since FIL (seriously grumpy, prone to outbursts) is too frail to leave the house for anything but doctor's visits, communal eating is accomplished at their home for one meal a day. We go out for the other meals ourselves.

MIL hates to cook now. Hilariously one Christmas visit a few years ago MIL decided to "cook" Christmas dinner after I had volunteered to do so (I like to cook) griping the entire time about "having to cook" plopping things out of boxes, cans and frozen food packages and then insisted (hounded us actually) that we all tell her how good (not) it was when in fact it was hospital cafeteria fare at best. OMG!

So we in turn insisted that from then onward that DH and I be responsible for the shared meals when we visit. We buy, prepare and clean up. Though this has been happening for a few years now, MIL being territorial circles the kitchen island while i'm working clucking like a flustered hen occasionally to the point of harassment. I've had to tell her to stand down, relax, it's best if she doesn't worry about the kitchen as we always leave it better than we found it. This is just one of many issues (they too are parsimonious to the point of being miserly, are smugly superior without cause or merit and are cruel gossips about family members) though they have good points as well, they make both of us crazy. Me more than DH because he's used to them and they are his parents. We honor that.

My mom is also a pill, of a different type but a pill nonetheless, but I am able to handle her in ways that I'm not able to with the in-laws. So my DH and I have developed code that we deploy to at least inject humor into an otherwise tense situation and to signal the need for temporary escape with either family. We also limit exposure to my in-laws as does my DH's siblings.

The only real suggestions that I might have is to renegotiate the length and number of visits in your home and what you are willing to put up with while they are there. Reading between the lines, your MIL is not a "guest" in any sense of the word but rather comes in and takes over your home while she is there. For me that would be unacceptable. There are obligations for guests as well as hosts. Failing that, I'd find a way to be busy while they are there. Take FIL along if he's good company. Let the women sort it out if your wife won't go along with handling the issue. Frankly I'd probably would try a shot at counseling with your wife, this issue specifically to get some clarity or at least some respite for your household. Good luck to you.

Last edited by AK-Cathy; 11-01-2014 at 05:54 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-01-2014, 11:09 AM
 
Location: Colorado (PA at heart)
8,918 posts, read 13,665,901 times
Reputation: 11570
Quote:
Originally Posted by scottrod View Post
I am a brand new member and just happened to stumble upon this forum while looking for information on how to deal with family staying at my house.

So my question is what advice can anyone give me on how to deal with my in-laws when they stay at my house. A little background, my in-laws live about 5 hours away and they don't come stay with my family that often. When they do they usually come for a week. I have always been taught when staying at someone's house that you help out as much as possible. However, my in-laws are not like that. The only thing they like to do (and I don't complain about it) is make dinner. My wife and I work full time, so it is great to come home to dinner made. However, they don't want to do anything else. The dinner they cook is with our food, they don't offer to go to the grocery store to buy food. My wife and I would like them to help pick up the kids from school/daycare, but they refuse. They don't help out in any other way.
While I do think it's good manners as a guest to offer to help out with your hosts, I equally think it's poor manners for a host to expect their guests to run their errands and do their chores. When you invite someone into your home, they are the guest, you are the host. That means they are supposed to be the recipients of your hospitality, not the other way around. Personally, as a guest in someone's house I might offer to do things like help them unload the dishwasher... but not do their grocery shopping for them! Frankly, I think your expectations of your guests are a little unreasonable. Be glad they cook for you and leave it at that.

Quote:
We also have a dog and since my mother-in-law is allergic, my dog is forced to be locked up in my bedroom and is constantly crying/whining which gets to be frustrating.
You can hardly blame her for something she can't control. When you knowing invite someone into your home who is allergic to your dog, you must understand what that means. Either don't invite your in-laws to your home anymore OR see if you can find a friend to take your dog for the week they are visiting. If that's not possible, maybe you should even consider a kennel for the week.

Quote:
They like us to take them to Costco so they can get food for themselves there. They rely on us to take them places because they don't want to drive. The main reason they don't extend themselves to do anything else revolves around cost. They are not poor and routinely take trips out of the country.
Just because they are not poor and take regular trips out of the country doesn't mean they aren't entitled to still make an effort to save money where they can when they do so. I'm going to take a leap here and guess that they don't want to hire a car while they are with you and that perhaps you don't have a spare car for them to drive while they are there? I don't think it's fair to expect them to hire a car - but equally, I also don't think it's fair of them to expect you to be their chauffeurs. Maybe next time, before they arrive, make it clear to them you don't have the time to run them all around town

Quote:
I have talked to my wife about it and she understands my concerns, but just says that her mom won't change and to deal with it.

Please help! I am at my wits end
There is not much you can do if your wife is not behind you on this. You can tell you wife you don't want them to visit anymore. Or you can try talking to them about it on your own. But I wouldn't expect much to change. And if you can't change them, you need to change your own behavior - either change your expectations of them or stop bending over backwards for them. You can't force them to pick up your kids from school or hire a car but you can tell them that you don't have time to drive them around so if they want to get around, they will need to hire a car. Let it be their choice and let them deal with their choice.

In the end, I think being at your wits end is a slight overreaction. No matter how annoying they are, you say yourself they don't visit often and they only stay a week.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-01-2014, 11:39 AM
 
Location: Santa Cruz
698 posts, read 643,523 times
Reputation: 718
Quote:
Originally Posted by PA2UK View Post
While I do think it's good manners as a guest to offer to help out with your hosts, I equally think it's poor manners for a host to expect their guests to run their errands and do their chores. When you invite someone into your home, they are the guest, you are the host. That means they are supposed to be the recipients of your hospitality, not the other way around. Personally, as a guest in someone's house I might offer to do things like help them unload the dishwasher... but not do their grocery shopping for them! Frankly, I think your expectations of your guests are a little unreasonable. Be glad they cook for you and leave it at that.
Wow it's difficult to imagine you didn't get the simple concept, THEY ARE NOT GUESTS.
Inviting yourself to another's home doesn't make you a guest.

Neither does expecting them to foot your bill, and expect cabby service, and complaining until the dog is forced to be locked into the bedroom where they sleep. Good Lord.

You're morals are quite questionable to somehow miss this part. Cooking doesn't make their complaining and intrusions, it doesn't suddenly turn them into, guests.

They've infringed upon these folks and are acting contrary to being decent human beings in their home. No excuse for this.

When you invite yourself, you have obligations to step around those you've intruded upon.

These folks worked 8 hours and have children to care for. These intruders do not.

Is it ok to invite yourself?, it can be ok as long as you are respectful and don't overstay your welcome but you will never be a guest when you are inviting yourself. If you are made to feel such, then thank your lucky stars. Consider it a blessing

.

Last edited by CaliforniaGal1; 11-01-2014 at 11:50 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top