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Old 11-01-2014, 11:55 AM
 
Location: Santa Cruz
698 posts, read 643,997 times
Reputation: 718

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Quote:
Originally Posted by PA2UK View Post
There is not much you can do if your wife is not behind you on this. You can tell you wife you don't want them to visit anymore. Or you can try talking to them about it on your own. But I wouldn't expect much to change. And if you can't change them, you need to change your own behavior - either change your expectations of them or stop bending over backwards for them. You can't force them to pick up your kids from school or hire a car but you can tell them that you don't have time to drive them around so if they want to get around, they will need to hire a car. Let it be their choice and let them deal with their choice.

In the end, I think being at your wits end is a slight overreaction. No matter how annoying they are, you say yourself they don't visit often and they only stay a week.
They do visit often, twice a year for a week at a time. TWO WHOLE WEEKS which happens to be all most of us get as vacation time per year. They expect a barking dog to be locked up in these folks personal bedroom for two weeks,heck picking up the kids from school should be easy peasy.

Let me give you some advice. The next time you intrude upon someone, don't become offended when you expect them to do all this for you but you wont budge and pick up kids. Or clean.

Last edited by Jaded; 11-02-2014 at 05:02 AM.. Reason: Removed Rude Remarks
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Old 11-01-2014, 11:58 AM
 
Location: Santa Cruz
698 posts, read 643,997 times
Reputation: 718
Quote:
Originally Posted by AK-Cathy View Post
OP I feel your pain. We are returning home from the in-laws (no we don't stay with them) that live four large western states away from us. It's never terribly pleasant to visit them and was similarly not fun when they were able to visit us over the years. We are just very different people.

Both are aged considerably and we came out west this week to help with setting up home health care after FIL's stay at an extended care facility. MIL is a control freak (acknowledged by all) and since FIL (seriously grumpy, prone to outbursts) is too frail to leave the house for anything but doctor's visits, communal eating is accomplished at their home for one meal a day. We go out for the other meals ourselves.

MIL hates to cook now. Hilariously one Christmas visit a few years ago MIL decided to "cook" Christmas dinner after I had volunteered to do so (I like to cook) griping the entire time about "having to cook" plopping things out of boxes, cans and frozen food packages and then insisted (hounded us actually) that we all tell her how good (not) it was when in fact it was hospital cafeteria fare at best. OMG!

So we in turn insisted that from then onward that DH and I be responsible for the shared meals when we visit. We buy, prepare and clean up. Though this has been happening for a few years now, MIL being territorial circles the kitchen island while i'm working clucking like a flustered hen occasionally to the point of harassment. I've had to tell her to stand down, relax, it's best if she doesn't worry about the kitchen as we always leave it better than we found it. This is just one of many issues (they too are parsimonious to the point of being miserly, are smugly superior without cause or merit and are cruel gossips about family members) though they have good points as well, they make both of us crazy. Me more than DH because he's used to them and they are his parents. We honor that.

My mom is also a pill, of a different type but a pill nonetheless, but I am able to handle her in ways that I'm not able to with the in-laws. So my DH and I have developed code that we deploy to at least inject humor into an otherwise tense situation and to signal the need for temporary escape with either family. We also limit exposure to my in-laws as does my DH's siblings.

The only real suggestions that I might have is to renegotiate the length and number of visits in your home and what you are willing to put up with while they are there. Reading between the lines, your MIL is not a "guest" in any sense of the word but rather comes in and takes over your home while she is there. For me that would be unacceptable. There are obligations for guests as well as hosts. Failing that, I'd find a way to be busy while they are there. Take FIL along if he's good company. Let the women sort it out if your wife won't go along with handling the issue. Frankly I'd probably would try a shot at counseling with your wife, this issue specifically to get some clarity or at least some respite for your household. Good luck to you.
Excellent advice and suggestions
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Old 11-01-2014, 12:33 PM
 
Location: Colorado (PA at heart)
8,920 posts, read 13,673,018 times
Reputation: 11576
Quote:
Originally Posted by CaliforniaGal1 View Post
They do visit often, twice a year for a week at a time. TWO WHOLE WEEKS which happens to be all most of us get as vacation time per year. They expect a barking dog to be locked up in these folks personal bedroom for two weeks,heck picking up the kids from school should be easy peasy.

Let me give you some advice. The next time you intrude upon someone, don't become offended when you expect them to do all this for you...
Scottrod said himself that his in-laws don't visit often and when they do, it's only for one week. Let me give you some advice, maybe you should let him speak for himself instead of biting my head off just for having a different opinion than you. The OP asked for opinions. I gave him mine. No need to have a conniption over it.

Last edited by Jaded; 11-02-2014 at 05:05 AM..
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Old 11-01-2014, 12:39 PM
 
Location: Santa Cruz
698 posts, read 643,997 times
Reputation: 718
Quote:
Originally Posted by PA2UK View Post
Scottrod said himself that his in-laws don't visit often and when they do, it's only for one week. Let me give you some advice, maybe you should let him speak for himself instead of biting my head off just for having a different opinion than you. The OP asked for opinions. I gave him mine. No need to have a conniption over it.
No matter who said it, for a full time working couple, most of us only get two weeks off of personal time per year, to have someone invite themselves to stay that length of time is stressfull. Per the OP's admission. And kids need care to boot.

You deliberately omitted facts, so saying it's sneaky isn't having a conniption. You were trying to point fingers at the OP for over-reacting despite his not being able to have peace and quiet in his home for two weeks straight. He cannot even rest because a barking dog is locked in his personal bedroom for two weeks!
While you criticize the OP and tell him he is overreacting,and what he needs to do further to break his back, remember this couple invited themselves, started taking over the house, expecting cabby service and they also stay way too long. All on his dime. They work full time because they need the money, not to give hard earned money to moochers who complain, sit around all day and only make dinner. The children shouldn't be taught this is ok, at the very least.

.
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Old 11-01-2014, 01:40 PM
 
6,040 posts, read 4,439,805 times
Reputation: 16753
Quote:
Originally Posted by CaliforniaGal1 View Post
No matter who said it, for a full time working couple, most of us only get two weeks off of personal time per year, to have someone invite themselves to stay that length of time is stressfull. Per the OP's admission. And kids need care to boot.

You deliberately omitted facts, so saying it's sneaky isn't having a conniption. You were trying to point fingers at the OP for over-reacting despite his not being able to have peace and quiet in his home for two weeks straight. He cannot even rest because a barking dog is locked in his personal bedroom for two weeks!
While you criticize the OP and tell him he is overreacting,and what he needs to do further to break his back, remember this couple invited themselves, started taking over the house, expecting cabby service and they also stay way too long. All on his dime. They work full time because they need the money, not to give hard earned money to moochers who complain, sit around all day and only make dinner. The children shouldn't be taught this is ok, at the very least.

.
I kind of love you, hahaha.

The OP has made it pretty clear that the in-laws visit 2x a year for about a week at a time, and that this has been going on for 10 years. And they aren't exactly "invited." THIS IS THE CRUX OF THE ISSUE. This thread wouldn't exist if the in-laws were explicitly invited, and if it happened once every other year.

Now I can take one for the team once, twice, maybe even a few times. But the situation the OP describes is excessive. You (CalGirl1) really put it in focus by relating how it's like coming home to a second job after a full day at your first job.
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Old 11-01-2014, 02:15 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,056 posts, read 17,376,569 times
Reputation: 41504
Quote:
Originally Posted by PA2UK View Post
While I do think it's good manners as a guest to offer to help out with your hosts, I equally think it's poor manners for a host to expect their guests to run their errands and do their chores. When you invite someone into your home, they are the guest, you are the host. That means they are supposed to be the recipients of your hospitality, not the other way around. Personally, as a guest in someone's house I might offer to do things like help them unload the dishwasher... but not do their grocery shopping for them! Frankly, I think your expectations of your guests are a little unreasonable. Be glad they cook for you and leave it at that.



You can hardly blame her for something she can't control. When you knowing invite someone into your home who is allergic to your dog, you must understand what that means. Either don't invite your in-laws to your home anymore OR see if you can find a friend to take your dog for the week they are visiting. If that's not possible, maybe you should even consider a kennel for the week.



Just because they are not poor and take regular trips out of the country doesn't mean they aren't entitled to still make an effort to save money where they can when they do so. I'm going to take a leap here and guess that they don't want to hire a car while they are with you and that perhaps you don't have a spare car for them to drive while they are there? I don't think it's fair to expect them to hire a car - but equally, I also don't think it's fair of them to expect you to be their chauffeurs. Maybe next time, before they arrive, make it clear to them you don't have the time to run them all around town



There is not much you can do if your wife is not behind you on this. You can tell you wife you don't want them to visit anymore. Or you can try talking to them about it on your own. But I wouldn't expect much to change. And if you can't change them, you need to change your own behavior - either change your expectations of them or stop bending over backwards for them. You can't force them to pick up your kids from school or hire a car but you can tell them that you don't have time to drive them around so if they want to get around, they will need to hire a car. Let it be their choice and let them deal with their choice.

In the end, I think being at your wits end is a slight overreaction. No matter how annoying they are, you say yourself they don't visit often and they only stay a week.
A few points.

The OP stated that his in-laws come when they decide to come, they are not actually "invited" to come at a convenient time to the hosts. The OP also has offered to help pay for a hotel room, but his in-laws have declined due to the expense. (even though they can afford to take one or more multiple week international trips each year).

The in-laws only live five hours away and drive their own car to their semi-annual, or more, week long visits. So they do not have to rent or hire a car, they have their own car that they can use 24/7. The OP said that his in-laws insist that he or his wife drive them every place so that the in-laws do not have to buy gasoline for their car. They also insist that they be driven to certain places like Costco, so that the hosts (the OP & his wife) can purchase items for the in-laws to take back home with them.

The in-laws claim that they come to "visit" their grandchildren. How much time can they even see the grandkids? The OP did not mention what time they pick up the children from day care, if it is like many working parents it would be by 6 PM. Then it is drive home-maybe another 30 minutes, eat dinner, perhaps give the kids a quick bath, and the kids are in bed by 8 PM.

Hmmm, the grandparents get to actually "see" and "play with" the grandchildren for 15 or 30 minutes each night? Wouldn't it be better to do a weekly visit on Skype? Or pick up the kids a little early from day care so that the grandparents can actually spend time with them?

The in-laws can stay at their other daughter's house in the same city. She does not have a dog, however, she also does not drive them places in her car, using her gasoline (the OP implied that the other daughter expects her parents/the OPs in-laws to use their car & their gasoline to drive places during their visit).

I believe that it is the daughter's (OP's wife) responsibility to set appropriate boundaries with her parents, and also to insist that when she and her husband and children visit her parents, he is treated as an adult and treated with respect. Please read the posts about how the in-laws treat the OP like crap when they have visited in the past.

Last edited by germaine2626; 11-01-2014 at 02:28 PM..
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Old 11-01-2014, 09:55 PM
 
Location: Santa Cruz
698 posts, read 643,997 times
Reputation: 718
Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete View Post
I kind of love you, hahaha.

The OP has made it pretty clear that the in-laws visit 2x a year for about a week at a time, and that this has been going on for 10 years. And they aren't exactly "invited." THIS IS THE CRUX OF THE ISSUE. This thread wouldn't exist if the in-laws were explicitly invited, and if it happened once every other year.

Now I can take one for the team once, twice, maybe even a few times. But the situation the OP describes is excessive. You (CalGirl1) really put it in focus by relating how it's like coming home to a second job after a full day at your first job.
I love you too

Like you, I think a few days of this is tolerable, but as the last poster stated, there is alot of kiniving going on against this hard working couple. It's just stuff you don't do to your children, not if you love them. I couldn't imagine doing such to my own 23 year old and his future wife, whoever that is. So bizarre they cannot even pick up their own grandchildren from daycare. The OP even said Him being in the kitchen cooking borders on harassment, his mother in law harps at him.It's really a sad situation. Kudos to their other daughter for standing up to them by refusing to drive them around, pay for them etc..you can see why they don't visit her, because they don't care for her. They can't get away with abusing her.

I am so blessed to have my inlaws, but unfortunately, my parents aren't so great. My father passed away 9 months ago, Thank god.

This is not my parents fortei but putting boundaries means they become vendictive. Especially my Mom. So bad... our 23 yr old son cut off ties with his grandmother. She just doesn't care for us.
I knew she didn't love me and before *it* hit the fan, I told my son she had a personality disorder. No ability to love anyone. Then he went to visit her after my Dad passed to get a check for some stocks my Dad bought him. Mom actually tried to sell my 23 yr old son, my dead fathers truck for $12000. Higher than Blue Book. He's a College student !! He replied "Grandma, I don't have 12 thousand dollars"

After he got home, he opened the check in front of us, It was for $12,500.00 She probably opened it then re-glued it shut

She was livid that money didn't go to her (though she got hundreds of thousands herself0 She couldn;t steal it so she tried to sell him the truck. All while she badmouthed me. She's keeping her downs syndrome sister from seeing me. That was the final straw. All Because I got her proper medical care demanding and taking her to, the hospital when she was gasping for air, breathing issues. Now shes on a breathing machine. Our son hasn't spoken to his grandmother in two years, since that incident. All we get is hateful letters from my mom now, sometimes a crank call on my birthday. Last one was taunting saying my Downs syndrome Aunt Cindy misses me, all while she is keeping her from me. It kills my son more than it does me. But had I even imagined anyone could be this evil, especially my own mom, it would've sent me to the looney bin. So God had it sink in slowly.

This sounds like a personality disorder at work. And once you place boundaries, even little ones, they get vindictive and a can of worms opens. These situations most often mean the husband has an occupation which keeps him away from the house much more than most fathers. A sociopathic wife is difficult to live with. My dad worked for the Railroad so was gone for days, he needed the break from mom.

It's a very painful thing to open the lid, and frankly, might not be worth it. No doubt this is a very aggressive woman, most likely, a sociopath. These folks create absent fathers as their occupations always mean they don't work usual 9-5 jobs and come home every night to see their children. So the OP's wife probably had an absent father.

Who knows what she will do if not allowed to visit. But if anyone places a boundary of mutual respect, she'll blow her lid guaranteed. The advice of this couple going to counseling is excellent. This is really bad

.

Last edited by CaliforniaGal1; 11-01-2014 at 10:28 PM..
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