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Old 10-24-2014, 10:53 AM
 
6,040 posts, read 4,396,259 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by afoigrokerkok View Post

On the visits to his home, what they're doing doesn't seem to be inappropriate at all.
Well I guess we differ, which is OK.

I read the initial post as these visits are sort of non-negotiable, in the sense that the parents come no matter what and it's not a vacation/time off for the OP and his wife. The visits do not seem like a pre-planned joint week of fun. With that said, in my world, my expectations of guest behavior are different. If I was a guest in that circumstance, my feelings of obligation to be helpful would be significant
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Old 10-24-2014, 10:56 AM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 14,159,141 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by scottrod View Post
I am very appreciative and gracious of them cooking food for us.

There are other options for them too, staying at her sisters house which is 15 minutes away.

I treat people how I would expect to be treated (with respect, generosity, etc). It is just not reciprocated on their part. I used to do a lot more for them when they would come stay at my house, but have stopped because I don't feel that i get the same treatment when we visit them (we have to buy most of our own food for my children, take them places, etc).
That makes the situation a bit different. That's certainly out of line. However, you solved the problems associated with how they treat you when you visit by no longer going. I would still just let this slide. I'd also try to take some time off work when they're there (or I think at least your wife should). They likely feel disrespected when they drive five hours and you are gone at work all day. If they were staying with you for a month it would be different, but for a week I would make an effort to not leave them alone the whole day and to not expect them to do chores.
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Old 10-24-2014, 11:03 AM
 
Location: Howard County, Maryland
5,590 posts, read 3,588,028 times
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It sounds to me as though part of the problem is a difference in expectations. You, OP, say that you were raised to help out the hosts when you're visiting someone. But I was raised to do all the work for the guests when you're the host. So if you came to visit me, we'd be bumping into each other trying to be helpful; and if I came to visit you, we'd both be sitting around doing nothing, quietly resenting each other for not doing more to help.

From my point of view, the in-laws are actually going beyond the call of duty by making you dinner. I wouldn't expect them to pick up the kids from school or day care; instead, I would suggest that you continue to use whatever system you and your wife have in place during the other 50 weeks out of the year. (Not to mention, since dinner prep and kid pick-up probably occur at the same time, it would be hard for the in-laws to do both.) And you stated that they don't like driving in your area, which I presume is the reason they want you to take them to Costco.

All that said, it does seem like you're not too crazy about your in-laws. In which case, count your blessings that they live 5 hours away, and suck it up when they pay you a visit. Your wife will be grateful, and that alone is worth some sacrifice on your part.
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Old 10-24-2014, 11:03 AM
 
Location: Fuquay Varina
4,530 posts, read 6,592,352 times
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This doesnt sound like a situation that the OP will ever get his way with, some people just werent raised to be respectful when they are visiting. Good luck man!!!

This does make me appreciate my relationship with my inlaws. They are awesome!
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Old 10-24-2014, 11:44 AM
 
6,040 posts, read 4,396,259 times
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Couple things pop out to suggest this isn't a simple situation...

1) Visits happen 2x a year. I know this is just my opinion, but for a family with kids, having visitors for 2+ weeks a year begins to border on disruptive. (Personally, I could not have the expectation that I'd be automatically welcome somewhere for 2 weeks a year.)

2) The in-laws don't stay with the sister. Red flag...or at least orange.
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Old 10-24-2014, 11:48 AM
 
Location: Wastelands
251 posts, read 230,683 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by scottrod View Post
I am a brand new member and just happened to stumble upon this forum while looking for information on how to deal with family staying at my house.

So my question is what advice can anyone give me on how to deal with my in-laws when they stay at my house. A little background, my in-laws live about 5 hours away and they don't come stay with my family that often. When they do they usually come for a week. I have always been taught when staying at someone's house that you help out as much as possible. However, my in-laws are not like that. The only thing they like to do (and I don't complain about it) is make dinner. My wife and I work full time, so it is great to come home to dinner made. However, they don't want to do anything else. The dinner they cook is with our food, they don't offer to go to the grocery store to buy food. My wife and I would like them to help pick up the kids from school/daycare, but they refuse. They don't help out in any other way. We also have a dog and since my mother-in-law is allergic, my dog is forced to be locked up in my bedroom and is constantly crying/whining which gets to be frustrating. They like us to take them to Costco so they can get food for themselves there. They rely on us to take them places because they don't want to drive. The main reason they don't extend themselves to do anything else revolves around cost. They are not poor and routinely take trips out of the country. I have talked to my wife about it and she understands my concerns, but just says that her mom won't change and to deal with it.

Please help! I am at my wits end
No, you don't have to deal with it. It's you and your wife place and she should be supportive of a decision to crack down. Lay down the law and make THEM and your wife deal with it or get out (not the wife of course, lol) If I go to your place and pee on the bathroom floor, would you just deal with it? They have to follow the rules of the house. Mother in law have allergies, then tell her to take something for it or suffer. My mom have a friend who did stupid crap like leave dirty dishes on the floor, let her kids scribble on the walls, eat up all the food, etc at my mom house but would get mad if someone did the SAME THING at her house.

To quote Martin. "RESPECT, MY HOUSE" or "GET TO STEPPIN!"
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Old 10-24-2014, 12:07 PM
 
Location: The Netherlands
4,294 posts, read 3,055,005 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by scottrod View Post
Thanks for all the advice! It is hard for me to deal with it because it goes against my morals, but everyone is right. It is only a couple of times a year. I don't go up there anymore because I got yelled at for turning on lights (mother-in-law said she was trying to keep the house cool), eating too much ice cream, and for turning the A/C on in the guest room when it was 85 degrees in the room. It is funny, my parents are the complete opposite, always offering to bring us food or help with the kids, clean up, etc... It is just foreign to me that my in laws are not like that nor wanting to help out more than making dinner when they are home all day.

They are in great shape and take very long walks (mile+).
Dear OP! this is my bits, why you are living with your grudges? She yelled for turning light on, fine don't turn lights on burn a candle and be romantic. Try to bring some peace enjoy the dark and ask an ice cream ball from your mother in law. If you don't go up there any more you have no rights complain that they don't do anything for you. They don't need to. so be happy at least you have a warm meal. And stick with it. They wont change. they are in a good shape what about you? Seems you are jealous too ha haa. By the way my parents always treat people from their maximum when some one visits us. So the do I. If you come by me I am not waiting till you clean my dishes , pick my kids, dog walks, cat letterbox cleaning, house cleaning or anything you can be my guest and enjoy my treatments. Go happy stay happy. Guests are guests for me not servants.

Last edited by Zeurich; 10-24-2014 at 12:15 PM..
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Old 10-24-2014, 12:08 PM
 
1,991 posts, read 1,178,918 times
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What do you mean they refuse to pick up the kids? As in, they just say "no". No way would I let that go if I were you.
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Old 10-24-2014, 12:09 PM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,847 posts, read 30,228,849 times
Reputation: 22334
Quote:
Originally Posted by scottrod View Post
I am a brand new member and just happened to stumble upon this forum while looking for information on how to deal with family staying at my house.

So my question is what advice can anyone give me on how to deal with my in-laws when they stay at my house. A little background, my in-laws live about 5 hours away and they don't come stay with my family that often. When they do they usually come for a week. I have always been taught when staying at someone's house that you help out as much as possible. However, my in-laws are not like that. The only thing they like to do (and I don't complain about it) is make dinner. My wife and I work full time, so it is great to come home to dinner made. However, they don't want to do anything else. The dinner they cook is with our food, they don't offer to go to the grocery store to buy food. My wife and I would like them to help pick up the kids from school/daycare, but they refuse. They don't help out in any other way. We also have a dog and since my mother-in-law is allergic, my dog is forced to be locked up in my bedroom and is constantly crying/whining which gets to be frustrating. They like us to take them to Costco so they can get food for themselves there. They rely on us to take them places because they don't want to drive. The main reason they don't extend themselves to do anything else revolves around cost. They are not poor and routinely take trips out of the country. I have talked to my wife about it and she understands my concerns, but just says that her mom won't change and to deal with it.

Please help! I am at my wits end
There is no law that states it is mandatory to have relatives stay in your house. They can stay in a hotel. Offer to find them a nice one.

20yrsinBranson
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Old 10-24-2014, 12:35 PM
 
Location: East TX
2,090 posts, read 2,006,197 times
Reputation: 3188
Get rid of the spare bed, add another (larger, long-haired) dog, and make sure your vehicle only has enough seats for you and your kids.

Seriously, parents get weird as they get older. Priorities change, willingness to help or do certain things change, their expectations of the rest of the family change. Certain aspects of the relationships will never make sense, but the ability to get along and find common ground to enjoy (kids/grandkids) is worth it in the end. Having a strained or estranged relationship when the generation ahead of us passes is not worth it. I suspect that there will be a day when the sister will confess she is jealous or feels as if she was left out of something special when MIL and FIL didn't stay with her.

Good luck.
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