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Old 10-24-2014, 01:11 PM
 
10 posts, read 17,364 times
Reputation: 10

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Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete View Post
Well I guess we differ, which is OK.

I read the initial post as these visits are sort of non-negotiable, in the sense that the parents come no matter what and it's not a vacation/time off for the OP and his wife. The visits do not seem like a pre-planned joint week of fun. With that said, in my world, my expectations of guest behavior are different. If I was a guest in that circumstance, my feelings of obligation to be helpful would be significant
They are mostly non-negotiable. They want to see their grandchildren. It isn't vacation because they have other family in the area and are fine sitting at our house. They don't share the same feelings of obligation. They feel that because they make dinner they don't have to help do anything else.

Quote:
Originally Posted by afoigrokerkok View Post
That makes the situation a bit different. That's certainly out of line. However, you solved the problems associated with how they treat you when you visit by no longer going. I would still just let this slide. I'd also try to take some time off work when they're there (or I think at least your wife should). They likely feel disrespected when they drive five hours and you are gone at work all day. If they were staying with you for a month it would be different, but for a week I would make an effort to not leave them alone the whole day and to not expect them to do chores.
They don't feel disrespected at all. They sit at their own home most of the time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bus man View Post
It sounds to me as though part of the problem is a difference in expectations. You, OP, say that you were raised to help out the hosts when you're visiting someone. But I was raised to do all the work for the guests when you're the host. So if you came to visit me, we'd be bumping into each other trying to be helpful; and if I came to visit you, we'd both be sitting around doing nothing, quietly resenting each other for not doing more to help.

From my point of view, the in-laws are actually going beyond the call of duty by making you dinner. I wouldn't expect them to pick up the kids from school or day care; instead, I would suggest that you continue to use whatever system you and your wife have in place during the other 50 weeks out of the year. (Not to mention, since dinner prep and kid pick-up probably occur at the same time, it would be hard for the in-laws to do both.) And you stated that they don't like driving in your area, which I presume is the reason they want you to take them to Costco.

All that said, it does seem like you're not too crazy about your in-laws. In which case, count your blessings that they live 5 hours away, and suck it up when they pay you a visit. Your wife will be grateful, and that alone is worth some sacrifice on your part.
Ha ha, they definitely have different expectations and they have told my wife that she is not going to change (which I believe is a cop out).

They have no problem driving. They just rather someone else drive them so they don't have to use their own gas $. They have tried to use other things that my wife and I pay for so they don't have to pay using their own money (amazon prime, our cable tv app).

Quote:
Originally Posted by SVTLightning View Post
This doesnt sound like a situation that the OP will ever get his way with, some people just werent raised to be respectful when they are visiting. Good luck man!!!

This does make me appreciate my relationship with my inlaws. They are awesome!
Your lucky. My parents treat my wife like their own daughter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete View Post
Couple things pop out to suggest this isn't a simple situation...

1) Visits happen 2x a year. I know this is just my opinion, but for a family with kids, having visitors for 2+ weeks a year begins to border on disruptive. (Personally, I could not have the expectation that I'd be automatically welcome somewhere for 2 weeks a year.)

2) The in-laws don't stay with the sister. Red flag...or at least orange.
They don't want to stay at her sisters house because they would have to drive (use their own car and not mine)

Quote:
Originally Posted by corijei View Post
No, you don't have to deal with it. It's you and your wife place and she should be supportive of a decision to crack down. Lay down the law and make THEM and your wife deal with it or get out (not the wife of course, lol) If I go to your place and pee on the bathroom floor, would you just deal with it? They have to follow the rules of the house. Mother in law have allergies, then tell her to take something for it or suffer. My mom have a friend who did stupid crap like leave dirty dishes on the floor, let her kids scribble on the walls, eat up all the food, etc at my mom house but would get mad if someone did the SAME THING at her house.

To quote Martin. "RESPECT, MY HOUSE" or "GET TO STEPPIN!"
I have tried that route, my wife has tried to tell me that her mom isn't going to change and to get over it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeurich View Post
Dear OP! this is my bits, why you are living with your grudges? She yelled for turning light on, fine don't turn lights on burn a candle and be romantic. Try to bring some peace enjoy the dark and ask an ice cream ball from your mother in law. If you don't go up there any more you have no rights complain that they don't do anything for you. They don't need to. so be happy at least you have a warm meal. And stick with it. They wont change. they are in a good shape what about you? Seems you are jealous too ha haa. By the way my parents always treat people from their maximum when some one visits us. So the do I. If you come by me I am not waiting till you clean my dishes , pick my kids, dog walks, cat letterbox cleaning, house cleaning or anything you can be my guest and enjoy my treatments. Go happy stay happy. Guests are guests for me not servants.
I do have a grudge about this because how they act is against what I have been taught by my own parents. They don't make any extra accommodations for anyone that stays with them (even their own grandchildren). I am very happy to come home to a warm meal. I am getting the sense that they won't change, which is a shame. I am in extremely good shape and I hope when I am their age that I am in as good as shape as they are. I don't want them to be servants at all, just to help out. My wife and I work long hours and to have to do extra things after longs days (get calls to pick up something from the grocery store when they need something) seems a bit much to ask.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dysgenic View Post
What do you mean they refuse to pick up the kids? As in, they just say "no". No way would I let that go if I were you.
They say that they are not interested in doing that (my belief is that it is because they would have to use their own gas $).

Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
There is no law that states it is mandatory to have relatives stay in your house. They can stay in a hotel. Offer to find them a nice one.

20yrsinBranson
No dice. They won't spend the money. However, they spend money on themselves when they take multi week trips out of the country.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rynldsbr View Post
Get rid of the spare bed, add another (larger, long-haired) dog, and make sure your vehicle only has enough seats for you and your kids.

Seriously, parents get weird as they get older. Priorities change, willingness to help or do certain things change, their expectations of the rest of the family change. Certain aspects of the relationships will never make sense, but the ability to get along and find common ground to enjoy (kids/grandkids) is worth it in the end. Having a strained or estranged relationship when the generation ahead of us passes is not worth it. I suspect that there will be a day when the sister will confess she is jealous or feels as if she was left out of something special when MIL and FIL didn't stay with her.

Good luck.
That is the plan She is also allergic to mold, dust, smoke, perfume, pollen. That makes it very hard for her to stay in our house because of my dog and my large fish tank. She makes snide comments or complains to my wife about how she can't sleep or has a headache because of how her allergies affect her when she is in my house.

They go see her sister when she is here, but prefer us to take them there.


It just gets my goat when I feel used by someone that doesn't want to contribute anything in return. I am a very gracious host and an even more gracious guest when I stay at someone's house. Any account they have tried to use that we pay for, I have since changed the password. I also try not to be the one that takes them to Costco because it just makes me even more mad.
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Old 10-24-2014, 01:30 PM
 
Location: southwestern PA
20,419 posts, read 37,615,101 times
Reputation: 39049
Different people have different expectations AND definitions for GUESTS in their home.

I would never expect guests to run to the grocery store or pick up kids at daycare. Especially the kid thing (no car seat in their car, not on the pick-up list, etc)! Plus, driving on unfamiliar roads can be tricky for your older in-laws. Do you really want your kids' safety compromised in that manner?

Cooking dinner every night for you is huge. I would certainly appreciate that!

Bottom line, though, is that these are your wife's parents... and your wife says, "mom won't change and to deal with it."
Since she is not sharing your concerns, I would let it go. Suck it up for that week and enjoy the home cooked meal after a hard day at work.
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Old 10-24-2014, 01:32 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,498,926 times
Reputation: 39856
Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmyhoss View Post
I'm with your wife. Deal with it; its only two weeks.
This.

So they don't behave the way you wish they would behave OP oh well!

You can't change them, so quit wasting good energy being upset about something out of your control.

Just grin and bear it for your wife's sake
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Old 10-24-2014, 01:35 PM
 
6,040 posts, read 4,430,447 times
Reputation: 16753
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
This.

So they don't behave the way you wish they would behave OP oh well!

You can't change them, so quit wasting good energy being upset about something out of your control.

Just grin and bear it for your wife's sake
Why stop there...maybe the OP should MOVE OUT OF HIS OWN HOUSE for the two weeks?

Generations need boundaries. When you marry someone, IMHO, you're the 'new generation' where loyalties need to reside.
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Old 10-24-2014, 01:36 PM
 
35,109 posts, read 40,193,301 times
Reputation: 62049
Quote:
Originally Posted by dysgenic View Post
What do you mean they refuse to pick up the kids? As in, they just say "no". No way would I let that go if I were you.
Why should the grandparents be expected to pick up the children when they are visiting?
It isn't their responsibility to care for the children when they visit and I didn't see where it is stated that the original poster or his wife takes time off of work when the parents are visiting. So their work routine has not changed why would the care of the children change for a week?

This isn't a battle I would fight, it isn't worth the hassle or the residuals from his wife after her parents leave.
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Old 10-24-2014, 01:38 PM
 
35,109 posts, read 40,193,301 times
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Original Poster: One more thing, you really should go and visit your in laws when your wife goes but you should rent a room while you are there and your family can choose to stay with you at the hotel and be comfortable or stay with her parents and be miserable.
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Old 10-24-2014, 01:40 PM
 
6,040 posts, read 4,430,447 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
Why should the grandparents be expected to pick up the children when they are visiting?
It isn't their responsibility to care for the children when they visit and I didn't see where it is stated that the original poster or his wife takes time off of work when the parents are visiting. So their work routine has not changed why would the care of the children change for a week?
I think the point was that the inlaws are "on vacation" while the OP and his wife are not and on top of that have to cart the inlaws around so they have even more to do.
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Old 10-24-2014, 01:42 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,498,926 times
Reputation: 39856
Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete View Post
Why stop there...maybe the OP should MOVE OUT OF HIS OWN HOUSE for the two weeks?

Generations need boundaries. When you marry someone, IMHO, you're the 'new generation' where loyalties need to reside.
It's one week, unless I misread?

Different people have different ideas and expectations of how guests "should" behave, but unless your guests are doing something dangerous (cooking meth) or inappropriate (walking around naked) you cannot dictate their behavior.

The only real choices are

1) do not invite them to your home - which isn't very practical when it comes to your in laws

2) suck it up and get over it as a way of honoring your spouse
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Old 10-24-2014, 01:44 PM
 
35,109 posts, read 40,193,301 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete View Post
I think the point was that the inlaws are "on vacation" while the OP and his wife are not and on top of that have to cart the inlaws around so they have even more to do.

So, the routine with the children should not be changed and I seriously doubt one week of doing a bit extra when they visit is going to make or break this family but his attitude toward the one week is going to cause issues that are not necessary.

Bottom line, not a battle I would fight just because the residuals are really not worth it but if you want to "set boundaries and fight the useless unnecessary battle", knock yourself out.
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Old 10-24-2014, 01:48 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,498,926 times
Reputation: 39856
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
So, the routine with the children should not be changed and I seriously doubt one week of doing a bit extra when they visit is going to make or break this family but his attitude toward the one week is going to cause issues that are not necessary.

Bottom line, not a battle I would fight just because the residuals are really not worth it...
Exactly.

Maybe you and I have just been married a lot longer than some here and can understand the wisdom in NOT turning this kind of thing into an issue
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