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Old 10-24-2014, 05:34 PM
 
6,040 posts, read 4,433,841 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post

Now - granted - this sounds like an irritating scenario - but for EVERYONE, not just the OP. Personally, I just wouldn't come for a week long visit if no one was able or willing to take off work.
Hmmm, yeah, the more I think about it the more I'd bet that the OP's wife feels similar to the OP but, having a much longer history of coping with her parents, just represses and allows this thing to fester.
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Old 10-24-2014, 05:39 PM
 
Location: North Dakota
7,724 posts, read 9,024,418 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
My thoughts exactly.

I don't get the whole thing - parents coming for a week, but no one taking off work. Dog in the bedroom (by the way, who is letting the dog out during the day?). What vehicle should they be driving - are they driving their own vehicle there or flying? How old are these people? Can they use a GPS? Heck, my 75 year old dad can manage that! What do they do all day while they wait for the husband and wife to get off work and for the kids to be picked up?

Now - granted - this sounds like an irritating scenario - but for EVERYONE, not just the OP. Personally, I just wouldn't come for a week long visit if no one was able or willing to take off work.

And they're five hours away - not fifteen. Why do they have to stay a week? Why can't they just come for the occasional weekend?

Yeah, let's start with that one right there. Here's what I'd do - I'd man up (even though I am a woman - LOL) and I'd take this bull by the horns. I'd say this:

"Let's try a new routine. You guys come down on Friday afternoon and stay till Sunday afternoon. We will board the dog for the weekend. We can all spend time together - cook meals together, run over to Costco together and then maybe go out for ice cream as a big family, etc."

This way, there's less resentment, even if you foot the bill for EVERYTHING. After all, it's just a few groceries and one or two trips into town - so what? Plus you can keep an eye on them so they don't charge things on your Amazon account! LOL
Agreed with all of that.

I missed the part of them being five hours away. Why would you come for a week at a time if you live five hours away. Just make a weekend out of it once in a while.
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Old 10-24-2014, 06:10 PM
 
587 posts, read 706,441 times
Reputation: 807
I would be pretty unhappy about this. Rip out a wall in the guest room?

After an outrageously miserable experience with an inlaw taking over my house, wasting food, waking up at 11 AM (even though they were occupying my entire downstairs) and then not wanting to leave the day they were supposed to, we have new rules. They can't stay anymore.

I have found that meeting people half way is the best solution for me. Are there any child friendly tourist attractions halfway between you and your inlaws? It is a wonderful way to make sure you have space away from annoying people. We usually camp and let the inlaws stay in a hotel.
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Old 10-24-2014, 06:38 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,025 posts, read 17,342,168 times
Reputation: 41321
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
My thoughts exactly.

I don't get the whole thing - parents coming for a week, but no one taking off work. Dog in the bedroom (by the way, who is letting the dog out during the day?). What vehicle should they be driving - are they driving their own vehicle there or flying? How old are these people? Can they use a GPS? Heck, my 75 year old dad can manage that! What do they do all day while they wait for the husband and wife to get off work and for the kids to be picked up?

Now - granted - this sounds like an irritating scenario - but for EVERYONE, not just the OP. Personally, I just wouldn't come for a week long visit if no one was able or willing to take off work.

And they're five hours away - not fifteen. Why do they have to stay a week? Why can't they just come for the occasional weekend?

Yeah, let's start with that one right there. Here's what I'd do - I'd man up (even though I am a woman - LOL) and I'd take this bull by the horns. I'd say this:

"Let's try a new routine. You guys come down on Friday afternoon and stay till Sunday afternoon. We will board the dog for the weekend. We can all spend time together - cook meals together, run over to Costco together and then maybe go out for ice cream as a big family, etc."

This way, there's less resentment, even if you foot the bill for EVERYTHING. After all, it's just a few groceries and one or two trips into town - so what? Plus you can keep an eye on them so they don't charge things on your Amazon account! LOL
Quote:
Originally Posted by WyoEagle View Post
Agreed with all of that.

I missed the part of them being five hours away. Why would you come for a week at a time if you live five hours away. Just make a weekend out of it once in a while.
Wow, that is the perfect plan. Just stay for the weekend.

A five hour drive is very easy to do for a weekend. Heck, since my aunt moved into a nursing home (and I don't have a place to spend the night) I drive to my former home town as a day trip, to see relatives, and it is four to four and half hours each way. My brother is now almost 70 and has done day trips (his trip is three and three/fourths or four hours each way) for decades to our home town.
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Old 10-24-2014, 06:44 PM
 
Location: MA
1,623 posts, read 1,338,570 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by scottrod View Post
I am a brand new member and just happened to stumble upon this forum while looking for information on how to deal with family staying at my house.

So my question is what advice can anyone give me on how to deal with my in-laws when they stay at my house. A little background, my in-laws live about 5 hours away and they don't come stay with my family that often. When they do they usually come for a week. I have always been taught when staying at someone's house that you help out as much as possible. However, my in-laws are not like that. The only thing they like to do (and I don't complain about it) is make dinner. My wife and I work full time, so it is great to come home to dinner made. However, they don't want to do anything else. The dinner they cook is with our food, they don't offer to go to the grocery store to buy food. My wife and I would like them to help pick up the kids from school/daycare, but they refuse. They don't help out in any other way. We also have a dog and since my mother-in-law is allergic, my dog is forced to be locked up in my bedroom and is constantly crying/whining which gets to be frustrating. They like us to take them to Costco so they can get food for themselves there. They rely on us to take them places because they don't want to drive. The main reason they don't extend themselves to do anything else revolves around cost. They are not poor and routinely take trips out of the country. I have talked to my wife about it and she understands my concerns, but just says that her mom won't change and to deal with it.

Please help! I am at my wits end
\


You make the guest help out? I was totally taught the opposite plus they probably don't know where anything is. Making dinner is pretty nice though.
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Old 10-24-2014, 07:25 PM
 
Location: SLC, UT
1,571 posts, read 2,285,363 times
Reputation: 3848
I only read the first couple of pages, so I apologize if this has been suggested already, but couldn't you talk to the wife, and have you both suggest to her parents that they stay at a nearby hotel instead? They clearly have the money, because they're able to go on vacations out of the country. If they're cheapskates (it sounds like they might be), and don't want to stay at a hotel when they could stay with you for free, then just tell them that it won't work for them to come, or that it won't work for them to come for more than a couple days, so they'll either have to just stay the weekend, or they'll have to split the week between your house and the sister's house. As an excuse, you have the dog, the kid, and work, etc. There's really no point in them being there doing the week anyhow - it sounds like they sit around in the house all day with no kids and grand kids - why stay with you for a week, when most of the time they're just sitting around doing nothing with one another? They could do that in their own home.
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Old 10-24-2014, 07:28 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,713 posts, read 36,145,910 times
Reputation: 63310
It often amazes me how passive aggressive some people are.

The OP has an issue - SEVERAL issues. For starters, he and his wife are either too busy, or too poor (can't take off work), or too anxious, or too much in denial of bigger issues, to facilitate and enjoy several week long visits from the in laws a year. So why are they putting up with it? There are other alternatives and after all, IT'S THEIR HOUSE. They set the rules, they set out the parameters in THEIR house.

Secondly, why do these visits always have to be in THEIR house? Why can't they drive up to see the inlaws, with the kids, a couple of times a year - you know, take turns or something really novel like that. Then they can be the ones being driven around - and they can cook for their inlaws for a change too.

Last year, we had drama with my inlaws - they were both very sick, and they're both very old. Also, my husband came down with pneumonia - which led to high blood pressure for the first time in his life. And finally, because we have a large house with a couple of guest rooms, my sister in law and my brother in law, who I happen to like very much, came to stay with us while we sorted out the elderly inlaw issue. Oh, and we had to move my mother in law in with us while my father in law was in the hospital - and she has dementia.

Good times, good times.

Long story short - after a few days things evened out, even though my husband was still hacking up a lung. Needless to say, none of this had been a bit of fun for anyone for the first few days, so after we got things under control, my normally pleasant brother and sister in law sort of settled in and apparently they considered this to be a sort of vacation - I mean, it was necessary, but now that the more difficult stuff was out of the way, and the crisis was over, they wanted to hang out and visit and go do fun stuff and that sort of thing.

My husband and I were back in the bedroom and my husband was, as usual, coughing up a storm and he looked terrible. It had been a very hard week for him. He was trying to be host and hero - while he needed to be resting. And he didn't want to offend anyone. He looked so miserable as he said, "I have to get out of here. I'm going to go...I don't know...fill the car up with gas or something." He left, coughing miserably.

Time for Ms Direct to come out!

I walked into the living room and my sister in law said, "So...do you guys want to go see a movie tonight? And I thought we might go to the plant nursery tomorrow and maybe buy some of those roses...and we can cook out since we've been eating out so much lately!"

I looked at her and said, "That sounds like fun, but I'm going to be honest with you - what we really need is rest. So we'd like for you to go home this afternoon. We really need some peace and quiet for a few days. We can do all that and more in just a few weeks, and we'll be looking forward to it. But today - we need to regroup."

I'm telling you what - they jumped up, packed up, and were gone in about fifteen minutes! They weren't even particularly upset, from what I could tell, and we hugged when they were getting ready to leave. Actually, they were gone before my husband got back. He walked in and said, "Where is everyone?" and I told them what had happened, and he stood there for a minute with this look of shock on his face and then he said, "Oh my gosh - you're my hero. I love you so much."

We're all fine now - no issues at all. But I can promise you - if there had been issues, well, that would have just been too bad. We had a situation in our house that needed to be addressed and handled so we did it.

My point is this - sometimes people just have different expectations or ideas of what constitutes a visit. Sometimes you just have to set your parameters gently but firmly. Just do it. Man up.
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Old 10-24-2014, 07:41 PM
 
13,161 posts, read 20,783,837 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
I'm sure she's not at complete peace, but like I said, these are her parents - she loves them regardless.

A smart husband would seize the opportunity here to be her hero!

Let her off the hook!

Don't think for a second the OP's wife or your own don't know how upset and aggravated you each are at their parents

YOU guys are making the situation much worse than it needs to be by adopting your put-upon attitudes.

Try another approach...accept your in-laws for who they are and find the positives in the situation for the time you have them at your home. The minute you find yourself annoyed or aggravated make a conscious choice to let it go for your wife's sake . You will reap the rewards for years to come
Someday I might disagree with you LovesMountains, but I can't imagine when. We are the "less preferred" in-laws, and it isn't easy to deal with. It's a constant dance on eggshells. I don't believe any parents who raise a child you want to marry can be horrible people.

You owe it to your spouse tolerate the differences between the two families. Man up.
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Old 10-24-2014, 08:22 PM
 
4,776 posts, read 6,607,652 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MisfitBanana View Post
There's really no point in them being there doing the week anyhow - it sounds like they sit around in the house all day with no kids and grand kids - why stay with you for a week, when most of the time they're just sitting around doing nothing with one another? They could do that in their own home.
Good point, I've been wondering about this myself! That's why I asked if they couldn't keep the kids at home that week and not send them to daycare. I mean, if they come to see the grandkids, then see the grandkids! It would also save the OP some money that could go toward groceries and gas for carting them to Costco.
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Old 10-24-2014, 08:28 PM
 
4,776 posts, read 6,607,652 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
Time for Ms Direct to come out!
Thanks for the story, made me LOL. You sound like me.
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