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Old 10-27-2014, 12:45 PM
 
10 posts, read 17,383 times
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Wow! I didn't realize there was so much feedback. This is great! Thank you! The other day I suggested again that her parents stay at a hotel that is close and I would even pay half of it. That wasn't an option because they want to stay at my house. Now I learned that my MIL wants to stay in one of my daughters room's because it isn't downstairs. So one of my daughter's will have to sleep in the same bed as my other one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Luvvarkansas View Post
I wouldn't expect them to pick up the kids from day care. You already have a plan in place for that. Why should it change when the in-laws are there?

Nevertheless, the in-laws do sound like cheap, penny-pinching moochers. You were right to change your passwords, and you may have to do it every time they are coming and not even tell your wife what they are!

The cooking dinner thing is nice. But they should buy at least one dinner during the week (or take you out to a nice restaurant) to show their appreciation for the inconveniences (having to keep the dog locked up, having to drive them to Costco, more dirty dishes and towels, etc., not to mention the higher grocery bills) caused by their long visits. I'm assuming, since you say they do "nothing", that they don't do any of the laundry or cleaning. Do they clean up the kitchen when they cook? Just wondering.

But something else I wonder....why can't the kids stay home from day care that week so the in-laws would have even more time with them? Are they not that kind of grandparents?
I don't expect them to pick them up. They don't offer to do anything. That is one of the problems I have. Offering to do something is always a nice gesture. Picking up my younger daughter (she is 3) from daycare helps both my wife and I out a lot.

When I used to go to their house, I always helped with dinner and the dishes and cleaned up after my kids/myself. I like to be treated the way I would treat others.

They are penny pinching! The only way they will do laundry is if they have clothes to put in. That is why they would do it. My MIL believes that since she makes the dinner, she has no other responsibilities. I, of course, help/do the dishes because they made dinner. She treats her husband like a servant, which totally disgusts me.

My younger daughter can stay home from daycare, but they don't want to take care of her because she has a lot of "energy". My In-laws are not old by any means. In their early/mid 60's.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
My advice would be the same regardless of whether the husband were complaining or the wife.

These are the kinds of family differences you just deal with like a big girl or big boy.

The spouse whose parents are not good guests is caught between a rock and a hard place - it's their parents and they love them regardless. Knowing their spouse is upset just adds unnecessary stress and pressure.

A good partner takes one for the team, so to speak, and let's their in-laws just be themselves without making their spouse know how miserable they are.

It's an act of love.
I try to take one for the team because I know how much that would make my wife happy. The way my MIL acts with money and won't do anything at our house if it costs her money. It just burns me up because of how I was raised. They like to leave their car for the entire week without driving it. They have left it for so long that the battery didn't start.

Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete View Post
FWIW I'm married 15 years.

I would love to know the wife's perspective here, BTW

One of the things that I bet I have in common with the OP as far as these visits go, is after the inlaws leave, it takes about a week for the family to get back to normal. I'm sure some household things get put off while the folks are there, and of course there's the requisite extra cleaning and laundry. And if the OP's kids are anything like mine, it takes them a few days to come down off of their grandparent high (which brings up another question...I wonder if the OP's kids get extra 'difficult' during the visits...mine do).

So now these 2 weeks of visits actually impact the household for 4 weeks. One month. For me...that's too long. My obligation is to foster a happy household for MY wife and kids. Not sit and grin just because my inlaws feel such a sense of entitlement and then deal with my wife+kids frenetically playing catch-up for a week after they leave.

You gotta be able to differentiate between good and bad guests. I mean the cooking dinner thing is a nice start, but IMHO anything more than a 3-4 day visit requires more than that. Also I find it pretty pass-agg for someone supposedly allergic to a handful of things to insist upon staying in a home with these items.

Again, I don't want to put words in the OP's wife's mouth, but I wonder if she's truly at peace with this.
My wife does understand my perspective but she thinks I am being inflexible because I don't accept them for who they are and that my MIL won't change.




Quote:
Originally Posted by dysgenic View Post
They are 'not interested' in picking up the kids, they'd rather sit home all day. That's rich!

Maybe I would deal with this if their visits were once every couple of years or so, but twice a year? If it's me I'm choosing that mountain to die on.

"We need to talk. If you want to stay here you need to pick up your grandkids."
They have said "that they would" but they don't want to because they think I expect it. I told my wife I have no expectations except for a house guest to help out because both of us work.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
I'm sure she's not at complete peace, but like I said, these are her parents - she loves them regardless.

A smart husband would seize the opportunity here to be her hero!

Let her off the hook!

Don't think for a second the OP's wife or your own don't know how upset and aggravated you each are at their parents

YOU guys are making the situation much worse than it needs to be by adopting your put-upon attitudes.

Try another approach...accept your in-laws for who they are and find the positives in the situation for the time you have them at your home. The minute you find yourself annoyed or aggravated make a conscious choice to let it go for your wife's sake . You will reap the rewards for years to come
I wish it was that easy for me. I don't want to hold on to any grudges while they are here and really have to bite my tongue sometimes because of what comes out of my MIL's mouth in regard to money. She made a stink about moving her car that was parked in front of a neighbor's house to in front of our house because it would waste gas.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1986pacecar View Post
Sorry but I have to disagree with the power poster on this one. There is no way I'd lock my dog up so the whiny old bag with attitude can sit on her duff, eat my food and expect me to chauffeur them around town. I too have been married a long time and would not tolerate that behavior nor would I expect my wife to put up with my deadbeat relatives if they acted like that.
I wish it were that easy. I have made so many suggestions about options and her parents don't want to take any of them. They are that way where ever they go. The only thing (and don't get me wrong as it is appreciated) is to make dinner for whomever they are staying with (using the host's food).

Quote:
Originally Posted by thinkalot View Post
I would never lock up my dog. If they are allergic they can stay somewhere else.
I agree!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Clemencia53 View Post
I agree. Poor dog. Maybe a nice kennel boarding place instead. Bill the MIL😄
Good idea!
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I snipped a few comments, but man, oh man what cheapskates!

I really don't know what I would do with in-laws like that that.

You could be passive-aggressive and do things like take your car into the shop the week that they are visiting so that they can't use your car, or keep "accidently" letting the dog out of the bedroom, or schedule evening business meeting so you can't drive them places and things like that. (I wouldn't do those things but some people do).

Or, whenever your MIL makes snide comments about her allergies & problems sleeping your wife, her daughter, could give her brochures for local hotels or offer to board the dog. Of course, her parents would be expected to pay for the hotel and/or the dog boarding themselves.

BTW, it is not unusual for parents to rent hotel rooms when visiting their children. It cost almost $1,000 in hotel costs when my husband and I visited our son & DIL & new baby last year. They have a tiny apartment and no room even for a hide-a-bed. I still made many of the meals or purchased carry-out food even though we were not staying there. I even did a few loads of laundry that week.

My sister and her husband always stay in a hotel when they visit their daughter (BTW, they also babysit/provide child care, cook dinner every night -and grocery shop & buy the food with their own money, do the family laundry, drive the kids to activities, etc. etc. and basically go to the hotel in the evening just to sleep).

When my in-laws visited us they did lots of things around the house and were always delightful house guests. They usually bought the groceries for the week & cooked most of the meals (if we were working). I don't think that either one ever complained about anything.

But, I also have a girlfriend who mentioned that her in-laws expected to be treated like a king & queen whenever they visited. They did not lift a finger to do anything, did not pay for anything and expected their son & DIL to immediately fulfill every demand that they made. BTW, it was her ex-in-laws as she is now divorced - her husband also expected to be treated like a king at all times.

Obviously, families and family situations are different.

You and your wife have to decide what to do as a couple.
The only thing my wife wants me to do is accept her mom and to deal with her. I could do that for a short period, but they complain the drive is too long to stay for only a few days.

Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete View Post
@scottrod: just curious, when you're all together...do your inlaws engage? Do they hold conversations? Do you play cards, or other games? Do things outside? Or do they sit and watch TV? Or...?

Just curious.
They do engage. Her mom doesn't like silence and is a close talker. I am a very laid back guy and like to relax when I get home nor am I a huge conversationalist with someone that acts the way that she does.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
I sympathize on some things. Others, not so much.

My MIL came to our house with a cold then blamed it on being allergic to everything in our house, even the Christmas tree.

I don't understand why they would come stay for a week in a house with a dog they are allergic to, and refuse to pick the kids up, and have none of you take a day off work to hang out with them. What are they getting out of this?
Me neither. The only thing is spending time with their grandchildren and my wife. I don't understand why someone would want to be so miserable and sick.

Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete View Post
I don't understand either. It seems a little suspect.

As far as the OP and wife taking time off...why wouldn't the inlaws negotiate a visit time when the OP/wife could take a couple days off work? Or maybe the OP/wife like to work when inlaws are present?
My wife takes my kids up there in the summer. We don't go up there in the winter because they keep their house too cold (only 62 degrees) and won't adjust it for anyone even if they are uncomfortable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WyoEagle View Post
It's also just as much his house as it hers. Not sure the best way to deal with this situation but these inlaws sound like leeches, especially with not driving due to cost. If you're that broke then you can't afford a vacation.
They have a lot of money, they just chose to only spend it on themselves now. The funny thing is that they also don't like to go out to dinner.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
My thoughts exactly.

I don't get the whole thing - parents coming for a week, but no one taking off work. Dog in the bedroom (by the way, who is letting the dog out during the day?). What vehicle should they be driving - are they driving their own vehicle there or flying? How old are these people? Can they use a GPS? Heck, my 75 year old dad can manage that! What do they do all day while they wait for the husband and wife to get off work and for the kids to be picked up?

Now - granted - this sounds like an irritating scenario - but for EVERYONE, not just the OP. Personally, I just wouldn't come for a week long visit if no one was able or willing to take off work.

And they're five hours away - not fifteen. Why do they have to stay a week? Why can't they just come for the occasional weekend?

Yeah, let's start with that one right there. Here's what I'd do - I'd man up (even though I am a woman - LOL) and I'd take this bull by the horns. I'd say this:

"Let's try a new routine. You guys come down on Friday afternoon and stay till Sunday afternoon. We will board the dog for the weekend. We can all spend time together - cook meals together, run over to Costco together and then maybe go out for ice cream as a big family, etc."

This way, there's less resentment, even if you foot the bill for EVERYTHING. After all, it's just a few groceries and one or two trips into town - so what? Plus you can keep an eye on them so they don't charge things on your Amazon account! LOL
I don't get it either. The dog doesn't get let out except by us in the morning and in the afternoon. They have a car at our house and are not that old (60's). They are very technical and can definitely do almost anything. They don't do much during the day. She might play soduku and watch soaps and they take long walks. They come for a week because they think the drive is too long for just a few days. I wish they would just stay for a few days, that would make it so much easier and less stress for myself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MisfitBanana View Post
I only read the first couple of pages, so I apologize if this has been suggested already, but couldn't you talk to the wife, and have you both suggest to her parents that they stay at a nearby hotel instead? They clearly have the money, because they're able to go on vacations out of the country. If they're cheapskates (it sounds like they might be), and don't want to stay at a hotel when they could stay with you for free, then just tell them that it won't work for them to come, or that it won't work for them to come for more than a couple days, so they'll either have to just stay the weekend, or they'll have to split the week between your house and the sister's house. As an excuse, you have the dog, the kid, and work, etc. There's really no point in them being there doing the week anyhow - it sounds like they sit around in the house all day with no kids and grand kids - why stay with you for a week, when most of the time they're just sitting around doing nothing with one another? They could do that in their own home.
Bingo! I have said the same thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
It often amazes me how passive aggressive some people are.

The OP has an issue - SEVERAL issues. For starters, he and his wife are either too busy, or too poor (can't take off work), or too anxious, or too much in denial of bigger issues, to facilitate and enjoy several week long visits from the in laws a year. So why are they putting up with it? There are other alternatives and after all, IT'S THEIR HOUSE. They set the rules, they set out the parameters in THEIR house.

Secondly, why do these visits always have to be in THEIR house? Why can't they drive up to see the inlaws, with the kids, a couple of times a year - you know, take turns or something really novel like that. Then they can be the ones being driven around - and they can cook for their inlaws for a change too.
My wife and I work, I can take off of work, but she can't. There are a lot of alternatives, but my MIL is not flexible. She will throw a fit if she doesn't get her way. I don't go up to their house because it is not very welcoming and uncomfortable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by escapenc View Post
These inlaws sound horrible. Have your dog spend plenty of time in the guest bedroom before they arrive. Hopefully the allergies will cause them to stay at a hotel.
I have thought about that!

Quote:
Originally Posted by 70's Music Girl View Post
You mentioned you stop going for visits at their home because of several different things that happened - getting yelled at for turning on the air conditioning ! That's annoying - I do agree with some of the other posts about it's really not that awful. The dog being locked up in a room all day isn't a good idea either but the in-laws have allergies.

I do think a hotel would be a good way to go - and maybe this would be the way to bring it up. You and your wife visit the in-laws and stay in a hotel (where there's air conditioning) and when they come and visit they stay in a hotel and the dog isn't locked in a room all day.

This is one of those situations that it's hard to reverse once certain patterns have been established but I think as long as both sides understand and make the effort to stay in the hotel then after a few visits everyone will probably be happier anyway.

The important thing is for everyone to have a nice time with the least amount of stress.
I suggested the hotel and even offered to pay for half. For some reason they think they won't get as much time with their grandchildren if they stay in a hotel that is 5 minutes away from the house.

Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete View Post
I will respectfully share a different take on this statement which I nevertheless agree with.

The wife is in a difficult space here. My gut tells me she is as fed up with her boorish parents as the OP is but is nevertheless bound by blood which she doesn't want to violate, I get that. She still loves them, presumably.

If these visits were shorter, less frequent, and/or in a variety of locales this would be a different story. But they're not, they're unwelcome impositions, really, at this point and if the OP's description of how healthy the inlaws are is correct, likely to go on for years.

So I take the statement you made but interpret it like this: the time with MY wife and kids, the family I chose to make together, is short and valuable. Spending weeks every year putting up with these pills with nothing but a clamped jaw and a phony cheeriness is IMO dishonoring my own family. Sit by and enable an unhealthy situation to go on and on and on then what...15, 20 years later if the inlaws are by then deceased say "wow, what happened to the time, I wish we had spent our family time and $$ doing xxxxxx". Because you can love all you can but nobody can beat time and when you have it in your power to stop something unhealthy but don't you're squandering time that could have been spent watering your own loving garden.

I'm looking back over this before posting and feel compelled to say that it's obviou I must believe that these visits are almost wholly without redeeming qualities (i.e., that even the wife secretly finds the visits tiresome). So I suppose my opinions are completely hinged on that.
Very true. My wife often gets into verbal disagreements with her mom because her mom is so stubborn. It makes the environment a little tense for everyone. I don't want to hold onto any resentment and that is why I put my foot down the last time they were here because I had enough.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Not being "dramatic" at all.

News flash, woman want to look up to and respect their husbands.

When a husband makes a sacrifice for his wife and/or family, something THEY want, not something he wants to give them, he sets the kind of example his children will benefit from for the rest of their lives and becomes his wife's "hero".

You don't have to believe me
I don't want my wife to have this burden, but she has to respect my wishes too. I have no problem with them staying for a short visit. When they stay for a week it gets a little tense, especially since we have a smaller house.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GAtoFL View Post
I don't think that a host should expect a guest to do anything.

I do agree with you that as a guest offering to help out whenever possible is the right thing to do but that doesn't mean that a host should expect it and should insist. They are making dinner after all. Personally I've had issues with guests trying to do too much and crossing boundaries that way. That isn't good either.

The dog and in-law thing is a bit different. You may need to house one or the other somewhere else since they are not compatible. That is if it is a big issue to you and your wife.

Whatever happens just don't let issues like this get in between you and your wife. That is the main thing whatever you choose to do.

Do the kids like them staying over?
I agree. I don't expect anything, the only thing I would want a house guest to do is to offer to do things and be helpful, not for us to cater to them when they are here and after both of us working all day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GiGi603 View Post
A week...seven days is a long time for house guests. I would go crazy. I would not be happy locking my dog up.

I came to a realization a few years ago, people that do not have manners have no idea that they do not have manners.

Sorry...it appears nothing is going to change anytime soon.

Advice: spike your after dinner beverage
I agree. They don't do a lot at their house because if it involves spending money she has an aversion to it. They will get invited to a "friends" house, but generally don't reciprocate the invitation.



Quote:
Originally Posted by MaseMan View Post
There's a Ben Franklin quote that says, "House guests are like fish; after three days, they stink."

I wouldn't be happy locking my dog up in a room, either. When we stay at our in-laws, I don't expect them to lock up their two dogs, even though they shed and do affect my allergies.
My dog is a people dog and wants/needs to be around people. He will bark constantly when he is locked up in our room. I get a disgusted look by my MIL when I let him out because I can't take my dog barking for hours on end.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Michigan Transplant View Post
I read in an earlier post from the OP that they are there to see their grandkids. Then why are they not coming during school breaks, or holidays when the kids are off school? If the children are too young for school, then yea, the grandparents should be spending some of their days with the kids not going to daycare. And are the in-laws just inviting themselves, any time they feel like it? Or not inviting themselves, TELLING their daughter and SIL they are coming to stay with them? This would not fly in my house. Arrangements would have to be made all around.
That is a good question. Most of my kids breaks are short so they don't tend to come for short visits. My wife will take them up their in the summer for a week or two.
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Old 10-27-2014, 01:15 PM
 
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Ouch, I feel your pain. Remind us...how many of these visits have happened so far? A dozen? Anymore than a few of these sounds like being a prisoner in your own home.

Your MIL has issues beyond the frugality which IMHO is just a superficial manifestation of more serious things.

Obviously your wife has a higher, but not infinite, tolerance for these people (although her mom sounds like the queen of this misery opera). Based on your follow-up information here the MIL sounds like a real piece of work, and (please don't take this the wrong way) how ironic that the FIL sounds like he allows his wife to treat him like dirt and now their daughter...your wife...wants to stick her head in the sand and expects you to go along with it.

So therefore your wife holds the key to how much of a compromise can be reached here to keep your family home peaceful. I'd strategically find a time before the in-laws' next assault on your home and have a very serious talk with your wife about limits and options.
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Old 10-27-2014, 03:40 PM
 
Location: here
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I think the next time this comes up your wife should suggest a long weekend instead of a week. It would be more beneficial to both parties. Tell them the dog is too old and can't be locked up all day, and everyone is at school and work during the week, and you'd spend more quality time on a weekend, even with a shorter visit. It really does make more sense.
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Old 10-27-2014, 05:26 PM
 
Location: Endless Concert
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Ok so here it is again - there are two wants from your MIL in your post. If it was me, at this point, I definitely would not honor anymore of her requests. I wouldn't continue on having them stay at the house because it isn't working for your family - the daughters room, the dog and you're not given any consideration when you've stayed at their house. All of the MIL requests wouldn't even be an issue if she was reasonable and realized it's a two way street and everything isn't about her. I also don't care for the msg this may send to the children about an adult behaving so selfish.

This is about everyone getting along and being considered.

I've made sacrifices for my family and things did get one way until I said it has to be a two way street from now on and we had an adult conversation and I pointed things out and it's much more balanced now.

This is one of those things that needs to be addressed now. No one can "expect" everyone to just go along with a one sided relationship. Period.

~Blessings

Ps I hope you consider getting another dog for your dog so he has company. He's a loved and valued member of your family.


Wow! I didn't realize there was so much feedback. This is great! Thank you! The other day I suggested again that her parents stay at a hotel that is close and I would even pay half of it. That wasn't an option because they want to stay at my house. Now I learned that my MIL wants to stay in one of my daughters room's because it isn't downstairs. So one of my daughter's will have to sleep in the same bed as my other one.
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Old 10-27-2014, 08:07 PM
 
Location: Northern Ireland
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Quote:
Originally Posted by scottrod View Post
I am a brand new member and just happened to stumble upon this forum while looking for information on how to deal with family staying at my house.

So my question is what advice can anyone give me on how to deal with my in-laws when they stay at my house. A little background, my in-laws live about 5 hours away and they don't come stay with my family that often. When they do they usually come for a week. I have always been taught when staying at someone's house that you help out as much as possible. However, my in-laws are not like that. The only thing they like to do (and I don't complain about it) is make dinner. My wife and I work full time, so it is great to come home to dinner made. However, they don't want to do anything else. The dinner they cook is with our food, they don't offer to go to the grocery store to buy food. My wife and I would like them to help pick up the kids from school/daycare, but they refuse. They don't help out in any other way. We also have a dog and since my mother-in-law is allergic, my dog is forced to be locked up in my bedroom and is constantly crying/whining which gets to be frustrating. They like us to take them to Costco so they can get food for themselves there. They rely on us to take them places because they don't want to drive. The main reason they don't extend themselves to do anything else revolves around cost. They are not poor and routinely take trips out of the country. I have talked to my wife about it and she understands my concerns, but just says that her mom won't change and to deal with it.

Please help! I am at my wits end
My Canadian cousins are like this. They come over and eat our food and stay in our double beds then when we go over there they put us in the basement and make us buy food.

My mum like your wife did say one day that she was taking no more nonsense and they had to buy food. Of course that did not go down well..
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Old 10-28-2014, 07:16 AM
 
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Ouch. Didn't read all the posts, but ouch. I have inlaws from out of state too. My father in law sits around. MIL tries to be helpful, but needs so much direction that it almost makes more work. They also come for long visits. DH is at work (very limited vacation time so can't take time off just bcs his parents are visiting AGAIN) and kids are in school all day. So I get to hang out with them and entertain them. Yay me.

At one point, DH and I were living in a super small, out of the way, place with the three kids. I thought that would put the visiting on hold. Nope, they still came, and slept on couches.

They are due for another visit during the Christmas holidays. With their dog...and we are renting a house with a "no dog" stipulation.

I know how frustrating and irritating the whole scenario can be. For the sake of family peace, I pretty much just suck it up. The one thing I've stopped doing is getting special food for them. Yes, earlier in our marriage I tried a lot harder, lol.

But it IS only a week, and you're at work most of the time. So as irritating as it is, just suck it up for the sake of family harmony. But maybe if the next visit is too close to the current one, it can be a "bad time" for the visit and you can push it off...
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Old 10-28-2014, 08:10 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete View Post
Ouch, I feel your pain. Remind us...how many of these visits have happened so far? A dozen? Anymore than a few of these sounds like being a prisoner in your own home.

Your MIL has issues beyond the frugality which IMHO is just a superficial manifestation of more serious things.

Obviously your wife has a higher, but not infinite, tolerance for these people (although her mom sounds like the queen of this misery opera). Based on your follow-up information here the MIL sounds like a real piece of work, and (please don't take this the wrong way) how ironic that the FIL sounds like he allows his wife to treat him like dirt and now their daughter...your wife...wants to stick her head in the sand and expects you to go along with it.

So therefore your wife holds the key to how much of a compromise can be reached here to keep your family home peaceful. I'd strategically find a time before the in-laws' next assault on your home and have a very serious talk with your wife about limits and options.
They try to come a couple of times a year to see their grandkids and their daughter. They don't like me that much because I don't put up with the crap. I used to buy nice food and do nice things for them, but that stopped because it wasn't reciprocated. My MIL is a real piece of work. She is in denial about a lot of things and refuses to see anyone about it. She is very stubborn, selfish, and has so much anxiety that it keeps her from sleeping (the upcoming visit is giving her anxiety and keeping her up at night). My wife does expect me to go along with it because her mom doesn't want to change because no one has forced her to until now. Her parents don't like me because I won't bend over and deal with her crap. They think I am being disrespectful because they are my elders. I mentioned before that my feeling is respect is earned and not automatic.
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Old 10-28-2014, 08:23 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Summerwhale View Post
My Canadian cousins are like this. They come over and eat our food and stay in our double beds then when we go over there they put us in the basement and make us buy food.

My mum like your wife did say one day that she was taking no more nonsense and they had to buy food. Of course that did not go down well..
My wife has to buy food for my kids when she goes to visit them because they won't by any snacks or things that kids like to eat. We have to buy food for them because her dad has food allergies and can't have certain foods.

[quote=chrissycs;37048320

I know how frustrating and irritating the whole scenario can be. For the sake of family peace, I pretty much just suck it up. The one thing I've stopped doing is getting special food for them. Yes, earlier in our marriage I tried a lot harder, lol.

But it IS only a week, and you're at work most of the time. So as irritating as it is, just suck it up for the sake of family harmony. But maybe if the next visit is too close to the current one, it can be a "bad time" for the visit and you can push it off...[/quote]

Earlier in my marriage I tried a lot harder and got special food for them too. It wasn't reciprocated so I stopped. My feeling is that I can tolerate them for a shorter period if they wanted to stay at my house. I even offered to split a hotel bill with them or for them to split time with her sister and us.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 70's Music Girl View Post
Ok so here it is again - there are two wants from your MIL in your post. If it was me, at this point, I definitely would not honor anymore of her requests. I wouldn't continue on having them stay at the house because it isn't working for your family - the daughters room, the dog and you're not given any consideration when you've stayed at their house. All of the MIL requests wouldn't even be an issue if she was reasonable and realized it's a two way street and everything isn't about her. I also don't care for the msg this may send to the children about an adult behaving so selfish.

This is about everyone getting along and being considered.

I've made sacrifices for my family and things did get one way until I said it has to be a two way street from now on and we had an adult conversation and I pointed things out and it's much more balanced now.

This is one of those things that needs to be addressed now. No one can "expect" everyone to just go along with a one sided relationship. Period.

~Blessings

Ps I hope you consider getting another dog for your dog so he has company. He's a loved and valued member of your family.
The thing is my MIL is used to getting her way all the time. If she doesn't she throws a big fit and ultimately gets her way because no one wants to deal with her behavior. I definitely agree, relationships are two sided. I am not going to be the one who always takes one for the team. After more than 10 years of this, I have gotten so fed up that I reached a breaking point. When they do spend money on us, it is made into such a big deal that it gets silly and comical.
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Old 10-28-2014, 08:59 AM
 
Location: Chicago
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OP, all I can really say is that I feel for you. My in-laws have many of the same qualities as yours. My MIL is very selfish and a bit of a bully; she is SO MEAN to my FIL that it shocks me the way she treats him. He can be a bit of a dope, but man, she is harsh.

We had a scenario where my MIL was staying at our house a couple nights a week for 2 years. Supposedly she likes me, but it's hard to tell from my side. I'm a little afraid of her, honestly. So, basically, I felt like a prisoner in my own home for 2 years. It was a huge problem and my husband and I had the same argument about it every Thursday night for that entire time. I couldn't take it; I started planning to be away on the nights she was there, which was ridiculous.

So, I feel your pain. I don't understand why they would come "to see their grandchildren" yet not keep them home from day care or even pick them up. I really think your wife should confront her parents, but if she's like my husband, she's probably a little afraid of her mother and doesn't want to hurt her feelings (even as MIL tramples all over yours). My family sounds like yours, OP, and is very different from my in-laws. If this situation were reversed and my parents were being unreasonable (it's happened), I would just tell them to knock it off and that would be the end of it. But, my husband does not have that kind of relationship with his parents and, apparently, cannot talk to them about much of anything. It's sad, really.

Anyway, just know you're not alone. I think the only solution is to try and convince your wife to talk to her parents. Offer to do it with her if that will help. In my case, our weekly "visits" from my MIL only ended when she retired from her job (she was commuting from Milwaukee to a job that was transferred to Chicago). In two years she never bought groceries, washed the sheets from her bed, cleaned her bathroom (she had her own dedicated bedroom and bathroom), etc. it was a painful experience.

Edited to add: when I posted about my MIL experience, plenty of people told me to "get over it" as well. I don't understand why I should be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home due to an unwelcome "guest" for years on end. I will never understand this "old people are untouchable" view some people have. An old person can be rude an intolerable, just like a young person and being old is not an excuse for bad behavior, IMO.
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Old 10-28-2014, 09:21 AM
 
Location: DFW - Coppell / Las Colinas
31,980 posts, read 36,604,313 times
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When they arrive, give them 1 roll of Toilet Paper and tell them when it's gone they should be also.

That's always worked for me.

Guest should never stay beyond 3-5 days. After that it's bad for everybody.
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