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Different people have different ideas and expectations of how guests "should" behave, but unless your guests are doing something dangerous (cooking meth) or inappropriate (walking around naked) your only real choices are
1) do not invite them to your home - which isn't very practical when it comes to your in laws
2) suck it up and get over it as a way of honoring your spouse
I think the OP mentioned it's usually twice a year.
It's probably obvious this is a hot button topic to me.
Regarding your #2...you could flip that around and say with equal legitimacy that the wife should 'defend' her husband and honor him by encouraging her mom to calm the eff down about her "allergies" and annoying stuff like that.
Something too tells me that if the OP was a female we'd be hearing a lot of "he's a mama's boy" or "leave the nest" kind of comments too...
I wouldn't expect them to pick up the kids from day care. You already have a plan in place for that. Why should it change when the in-laws are there?
Nevertheless, the in-laws do sound like cheap, penny-pinching moochers. You were right to change your passwords, and you may have to do it every time they are coming and not even tell your wife what they are!
The cooking dinner thing is nice. But they should buy at least one dinner during the week (or take you out to a nice restaurant) to show their appreciation for the inconveniences (having to keep the dog locked up, having to drive them to Costco, more dirty dishes and towels, etc., not to mention the higher grocery bills) caused by their long visits. I'm assuming, since you say they do "nothing", that they don't do any of the laundry or cleaning. Do they clean up the kitchen when they cook? Just wondering.
But something else I wonder....why can't the kids stay home from day care that week so the in-laws would have even more time with them? Are they not that kind of grandparents?
I think the OP mentioned it's usually twice a year.
It's probably obvious this is a hot button topic to me.
Regarding your #2...you could flip that around and say with equal legitimacy that the wife should 'defend' her husband and honor him by encouraging her mom to calm the eff down about her "allergies" and annoying stuff like that.
Something too tells me that if the OP was a female we'd be hearing a lot of "he's a mama's boy" or "leave the nest" kind of comments too...
My advice would be the same regardless of whether the husband were complaining or the wife.
These are the kinds of family differences you just deal with like a big girl or big boy.
The spouse whose parents are not good guests is caught between a rock and a hard place - it's their parents and they love them regardless. Knowing their spouse is upset just adds unnecessary stress and pressure.
A good partner takes one for the team, so to speak, and let's their in-laws just be themselves without making their spouse know how miserable they are.
Maybe you and I have just been married a lot longer than some here and can understand the wisdom in NOT turning this kind of thing into an issue
FWIW I'm married 15 years.
I would love to know the wife's perspective here, BTW
One of the things that I bet I have in common with the OP as far as these visits go, is after the inlaws leave, it takes about a week for the family to get back to normal. I'm sure some household things get put off while the folks are there, and of course there's the requisite extra cleaning and laundry. And if the OP's kids are anything like mine, it takes them a few days to come down off of their grandparent high (which brings up another question...I wonder if the OP's kids get extra 'difficult' during the visits...mine do).
So now these 2 weeks of visits actually impact the household for 4 weeks. One month. For me...that's too long. My obligation is to foster a happy household for MY wife and kids. Not sit and grin just because my inlaws feel such a sense of entitlement and then deal with my wife+kids frenetically playing catch-up for a week after they leave.
You gotta be able to differentiate between good and bad guests. I mean the cooking dinner thing is a nice start, but IMHO anything more than a 3-4 day visit requires more than that. Also I find it pretty pass-agg for someone supposedly allergic to a handful of things to insist upon staying in a home with these items.
Again, I don't want to put words in the OP's wife's mouth, but I wonder if she's truly at peace with this.
A good partner takes one for the team, so to speak, and let's their in-laws just be themselves without making their spouse know how miserable they are.
It's an act of love.
An act that keeps on giving, 2 or more times a year until death do they part.
Taking one for the team implies....one. Ok let's say maybe three
Honestly at this point I'd almost suggest the husband take a vacation week when they visit and even take the kids somewhere on his own. Not EVERY time they visit, but maybe once every so often. I bet the MIL's allergies would mysterious disappear that week.
Not sure if someone mentioned this already, but your wife should handle any issues with her parents, and leave you out of it. I agree that for the sake of harmony, you can put up with a few idiosyncrasies while they're visiting, but she does need to address some of the most egregious things with her parents out of respect for you.
I wouldn't expect them to pick up the kids from day care. You already have a plan in place for that. Why should it change when the in-laws are there?
But something else I wonder....why can't the kids stay home from day care that week so the in-laws would have even more time with them? Are they not that kind of grandparents?
Good points! FWIW, our kids' 4 grandparents are wonderful in this respect as they prefer to "see our grandkids in their normal routine" so they love seeing them be picked up at school, go to dance lessons, night time story, etc.
I would love to know the wife's perspective here, BTW
One of the things that I bet I have in common with the OP as far as these visits go, is after the inlaws leave, it takes about a week for the family to get back to normal. I'm sure some household things get put off while the folks are there, and of course there's the requisite extra cleaning and laundry. And if the OP's kids are anything like mine, it takes them a few days to come down off of their grandparent high (which brings up another question...I wonder if the OP's kids get extra 'difficult' during the visits...mine do).
So now these 2 weeks of visits actually impact the household for 4 weeks. One month. For me...that's too long. My obligation is to foster a happy household for MY wife and kids. Not sit and grin just because my inlaws feel such a sense of entitlement and then deal with my wife+kids frenetically playing catch-up for a week after they leave.
You gotta be able to differentiate between good and bad guests. I mean the cooking dinner thing is a nice start, but IMHO anything more than a 3-4 day visit requires more than that. Also I find it pretty pass-agg for someone supposedly allergic to a handful of things to insist upon staying in a home with these items.
Again, I don't want to put words in the OP's wife's mouth, but I wonder if she's truly at peace with this.
I'm sure she's not at complete peace, but like I said, these are her parents - she loves them regardless.
A smart husband would seize the opportunity here to be her hero!
Let her off the hook!
Don't think for a second the OP's wife or your own don't know how upset and aggravated you each are at their parents
YOU guys are making the situation much worse than it needs to be by adopting your put-upon attitudes.
Try another approach...accept your in-laws for who they are and find the positives in the situation for the time you have them at your home. The minute you find yourself annoyed or aggravated make a conscious choice to let it go for your wife's sake . You will reap the rewards for years to come
Sorry but I have to disagree with the power poster on this one. There is no way I'd lock my dog up so the whiny old bag with attitude can sit on her duff, eat my food and expect me to chauffeur them around town. I too have been married a long time and would not tolerate that behavior nor would I expect my wife to put up with my deadbeat relatives if they acted like that.
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