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Old 10-24-2014, 10:02 AM
 
10 posts, read 17,364 times
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I am a brand new member and just happened to stumble upon this forum while looking for information on how to deal with family staying at my house.

So my question is what advice can anyone give me on how to deal with my in-laws when they stay at my house. A little background, my in-laws live about 5 hours away and they don't come stay with my family that often. When they do they usually come for a week. I have always been taught when staying at someone's house that you help out as much as possible. However, my in-laws are not like that. The only thing they like to do (and I don't complain about it) is make dinner. My wife and I work full time, so it is great to come home to dinner made. However, they don't want to do anything else. The dinner they cook is with our food, they don't offer to go to the grocery store to buy food. My wife and I would like them to help pick up the kids from school/daycare, but they refuse. They don't help out in any other way. We also have a dog and since my mother-in-law is allergic, my dog is forced to be locked up in my bedroom and is constantly crying/whining which gets to be frustrating. They like us to take them to Costco so they can get food for themselves there. They rely on us to take them places because they don't want to drive. The main reason they don't extend themselves to do anything else revolves around cost. They are not poor and routinely take trips out of the country. I have talked to my wife about it and she understands my concerns, but just says that her mom won't change and to deal with it.

Please help! I am at my wits end
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Old 10-24-2014, 10:17 AM
 
Location: in the miseries
3,302 posts, read 3,577,100 times
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I'm with your wife. Deal with it; its only two weeks.
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Old 10-24-2014, 10:17 AM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
5,683 posts, read 4,408,388 times
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if this is something that happens once a year, I think you should deal with it by just getting the visit over with. However, if its more than that, I suggest you come up with a stragegy. I do understand the dog issue if one truly has allergies then it is pretty hard for everyone and I doubt you'll be able to do anything besides keep the dog isolated. However, if it really disturbs you to take them to Costco and they come in their own vehicle to visit you, they should go while you guys are at work. You can simply let them know next time they visit that you are on a strict budget right now and are avoiding Costco so if they plan on going,they need to go without you. You can suggest a fun activity with the kids, and suggest they do this on a weekday (also while you are at work) but sometimes high energy kids are just really hard for retired people to handle....
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Old 10-24-2014, 10:17 AM
 
Location: Texas
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1) They cook dinner for you.

2) They don't come that often and, even when they do, neither of you takes off work.

I honestly think you need to just give this up. This really isn't so terrible and coming between your wife and her parents over this sort of thing will not end well.
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Old 10-24-2014, 10:28 AM
 
10 posts, read 17,364 times
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Thanks for all the advice! It is hard for me to deal with it because it goes against my morals, but everyone is right. It is only a couple of times a year. I don't go up there anymore because I got yelled at for turning on lights (mother-in-law said she was trying to keep the house cool), eating too much ice cream, and for turning the A/C on in the guest room when it was 85 degrees in the room. It is funny, my parents are the complete opposite, always offering to bring us food or help with the kids, clean up, etc... It is just foreign to me that my in laws are not like that nor wanting to help out more than making dinner when they are home all day.

They are in great shape and take very long walks (mile+).
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Old 10-24-2014, 10:31 AM
 
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I feel your pain! My inlaws (not just parents) visit a lot and it's becoming a big strain between me and my wife.

It doesn't help that my inlaws are neanderthals.

I say strategically pick a quiet time during the year to discuss some boundaries with your wife.

I just want to put out there that this isn't exactly a joint vacation, it's a visit.
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Old 10-24-2014, 10:33 AM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 14,207,191 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by scottrod View Post
Thanks for all the advice! It is hard for me to deal with it because it goes against my morals, but everyone is right. It is only a couple of times a year. I don't go up there anymore because I got yelled at for turning on lights (mother-in-law said she was trying to keep the house cool), eating too much ice cream, and for turning the A/C on in the guest room when it was 85 degrees in the room. It is funny, my parents are the complete opposite, always offering to bring us food or help with the kids, clean up, etc... It is just foreign to me that my in laws are not like that nor wanting to help out more than making dinner when they are home all day.

They are in great shape and take very long walks (mile+).
It goes against your morals? They're cooking dinner when they're occasional guests in your home. That's more than enough. I'm sorry, but I think this is about a far deeper dislike of her parents. The only thing I find slightly inappropriate about their behavior is their insistence that they can't go to Costco without you. But that may be because they want to spend time with your wife or because they're unfamiliar with your area (this may also be why they don't want to pick up your kids).

As far as your parents, your wife may not see them with the halo over their heads you see them with. That's very common.
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Old 10-24-2014, 10:42 AM
 
6,040 posts, read 4,430,447 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by afoigrokerkok View Post
It goes against your morals? They're cooking dinner when they're occasional guests in your home. That's more than enough. I'm sorry, but I think this is about a far deeper dislike of her parents..
Did you read how he said they acted toward him when he was a guest in their home?

Of course we're only hearing one side of the story, admittedly, but I never understood when exactly someone's parents pass into sainthood and become beyond reproach. Is it an age? When grandkids come? AFAIC, if you were a boor at 40 you're likely still one at 70.
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Old 10-24-2014, 10:47 AM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 14,207,191 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete View Post
Did you read how he said they acted toward him when he was a guest in their home?
I ignored that part, as this thread is about the in-laws' visits, not his. He solved that problem by discontinuing visits to the in-laws.

Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete View Post
Of course we're only hearing one side of the story, admittedly, but I never understood when exactly someone's parents pass into sainthood and become beyond reproach. Is it an age? When grandkids come? AFAIC, if you were a boor at 40 you're likely still one at 70.
On the visits to his home, what they're doing doesn't seem to be inappropriate at all.
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Old 10-24-2014, 10:50 AM
 
10 posts, read 17,364 times
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I am very appreciative and gracious of them cooking food for us.

There are other options for them too, staying at her sisters house which is 15 minutes away.

I treat people how I would expect to be treated (with respect, generosity, etc). It is just not reciprocated on their part. I used to do a lot more for them when they would come stay at my house, but have stopped because I don't feel that i get the same treatment when we visit them (we have to buy most of our own food for my children, take them places, etc).
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