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Old 10-27-2014, 06:13 PM
 
Location: Oceania
8,623 posts, read 6,223,494 times
Reputation: 8318

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Quote:
Originally Posted by weirdout1212 View Post
I'm a 24 year old female, recently married to the love of my life. Let's call him DH.

I also have (or had) a male friend I've known for years. Let's call him Zack.

I've known Zack longer than I've known DH, but we were only casual friends. Once I started dating DH, Zack confessed his love for me. I told him I was taken, and he understood that. He then moved to his home country, overseas.

Ever since, he'd been writing me love letters and spending months building sculptures for me (without me even realizing it). He'd been gone for over a year, and it seemed like he accepted that we'd just be friends. But suddenly, he returned. And he said that he came back just for me. He keeps calling and calling and texting nonstop, and gets more and more unreasonable about it.

Zack tells me all about how he only went to his home country to amass lots of wealth, buy a house, bribing and stepping on so many people along the way ... and he says he did all that for me, so he could come back to the US and marry me. I tell him that I'd be getting married to DH -- in a week (which I did), and Zack flips out. He begs me to not marry DH, to marry him instead. He talks about how wealthy and powerful he is, and how he got into perfect physical shape just for me. He absolutely refused to date other women, despite my encouragement. He kept insisting that he would wait for me forever, that he'd never lose hope, etc.

When I tell him that this is not OK, that he needs to respect my boundaries, he tells me he doesn't care if I can't handle his undying love for me.. And apparently he'd been sobbing to all of his friends and family, and having them refer to me as Mr. ZacksLastName, and it's a complete mess. My DH was getting agitated with him, especially since we were about to get married and he was doing this.

I've already tried ignoring him, but it makes him even more obsessive. And I've tried blocking him, but he just contacts me with new phone numbers and email addresses.

He even booked a reservation at a restaurant (again, I wasn't contacting him), and said he'd wait for me all night long with the statue. Of course I didn't show up...DH and I were flying to Lake Tahoe to get married there.

After we returned home, I clearly told Zack via email: Do not ever contact me again, not even in response to this.

Of course he responded, but then angrily promised to never contact me again.

For a month after, he did not contact me. But now he's starting up again -- this time ranting about how I'm a sociopath, and attaching screenshots of snippets of our past conversations.

I really don't want to take legal action, esp since he used to be a friend for years. Is he likely to chill out and back off again for good, or do I potentially have a big headache on my hands?

Thanks -- and sorry this was so long!
Staying friendly with him after he initially proved he's nuts was your initial mistake.
The big mistake was your email when you returned home. You may not realize it but in his mind you reached out to connect with him. You rekindled his nutty fuse. He stepped on how many people along the way just for you?

Cut any contact, ignore, refuse and stomp on his heart if you need to. Have a gun? If not, procure one as the cops are not going to be of use if you need one. Go to the range and learn to use it.
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Old 10-27-2014, 06:19 PM
 
Location: Missouri
6,047 posts, read 21,607,832 times
Reputation: 5051
I agree with DH that you should ignore him completely, but I would also consult with an attorney. I had problems with an ex and my attorney sent him a "warning" letter of sorts telling him to leave me alone or he'd be getting a restraining order. I think it helped the situation because he realized there would be consequences.
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Old 10-27-2014, 06:34 PM
 
Location: Southwestern, USA
15,143 posts, read 12,004,212 times
Reputation: 16543
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sage 80 View Post
Zack is crazy.

Tell your husband what's been going on.

Stay far away from Zack. Do not let him know where you live, or have your phone number. If you ever see him in your neighborhood/near your job, go tell the police everything and try to get a restraining order. Start keeping a file of all his letters, emails, and phone calls.

Change your phone number and email address.
And do it now.

I am so sorry you have to be dealing with this.
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Old 10-27-2014, 06:40 PM
 
Location: Southwestern, USA
15,143 posts, read 12,004,212 times
Reputation: 16543
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pitt Chick View Post
:::shaking head:::

Your post clearly states how ignoring him is NOT working.
Exactly...I do like the letter from the attorney idea...til now
he doesn't get there ARE consequences!
There is hope if he gets the fear of the law in him.
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Old 10-27-2014, 07:01 PM
 
4,987 posts, read 2,655,915 times
Reputation: 2738
Love lust obsession. What's the difference?

Men who obsess over a woman should be put down. It's only a matter of time.
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Old 10-27-2014, 07:08 PM
 
Location: Northern Ireland
3,402 posts, read 2,582,449 times
Reputation: 526
Quote:
Originally Posted by weirdout1212 View Post
I'm a 24 year old female, recently married to the love of my life. Let's call him DH.

I also have (or had) a male friend I've known for years. Let's call him Zack.

I've known Zack longer than I've known DH, but we were only casual friends. Once I started dating DH, Zack confessed his love for me. I told him I was taken, and he understood that. He then moved to his home country, overseas.

Ever since, he'd been writing me love letters and spending months building sculptures for me (without me even realizing it). He'd been gone for over a year, and it seemed like he accepted that we'd just be friends. But suddenly, he returned. And he said that he came back just for me. He keeps calling and calling and texting nonstop, and gets more and more unreasonable about it.

Zack tells me all about how he only went to his home country to amass lots of wealth, buy a house, bribing and stepping on so many people along the way ... and he says he did all that for me, so he could come back to the US and marry me. I tell him that I'd be getting married to DH -- in a week (which I did), and Zack flips out. He begs me to not marry DH, to marry him instead. He talks about how wealthy and powerful he is, and how he got into perfect physical shape just for me. He absolutely refused to date other women, despite my encouragement. He kept insisting that he would wait for me forever, that he'd never lose hope, etc.

When I tell him that this is not OK, that he needs to respect my boundaries, he tells me he doesn't care if I can't handle his undying love for me.. And apparently he'd been sobbing to all of his friends and family, and having them refer to me as Mr. ZacksLastName, and it's a complete mess. My DH was getting agitated with him, especially since we were about to get married and he was doing this.

I've already tried ignoring him, but it makes him even more obsessive. And I've tried blocking him, but he just contacts me with new phone numbers and email addresses.

He even booked a reservation at a restaurant (again, I wasn't contacting him), and said he'd wait for me all night long with the statue. Of course I didn't show up...DH and I were flying to Lake Tahoe to get married there.

After we returned home, I clearly told Zack via email: Do not ever contact me again, not even in response to this.

Of course he responded, but then angrily promised to never contact me again.

For a month after, he did not contact me. But now he's starting up again -- this time ranting about how I'm a sociopath, and attaching screenshots of snippets of our past conversations.

I really don't want to take legal action, esp since he used to be a friend for years. Is he likely to chill out and back off again for good, or do I potentially have a big headache on my hands?

Thanks -- and sorry this was so long!

Oh dear! I feel bad that is terrible and terribly obsessive! I hate it when someone I fancy dates someone else but I get over it, I have never seen anyone make a fuss a year later! He is better off avoiding, I would make a diary about this and report him if he gets any worse.

That is fearful to me!!
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Old 10-27-2014, 08:43 PM
 
2,963 posts, read 2,686,994 times
Reputation: 5613
Get an attorney involved? How? A letter from an attorney?? You must be kidding. Just another example of how Americans worship attorneys and think they are the solution for everything.

This is not a matter for an attorney; it is a matter for the courts and the criminal justice system. For starters, I would immediately go down to your local courthouse and get a protection order from this character for both you and DH. When you get the protection order, make sure that the police serve him personally. Your local court commissioner can give you options if this doesn't do the trick. I would be wary of what this character's reaction might be when he gets the protection order.
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Old 10-27-2014, 09:12 PM
 
540 posts, read 568,324 times
Reputation: 749
Quote:
Originally Posted by weirdout1212 View Post
I'm a 24 year old female, recently married to the love of my life. Let's call him DH.

I also have (or had) a male friend I've known for years. Let's call him Zack.

I've known Zack longer than I've known DH, but we were only casual friends. Once I started dating DH, Zack confessed his love for me. I told him I was taken, and he understood that. He then moved to his home country, overseas.

Ever since, he'd been writing me love letters and spending months building sculptures for me (without me even realizing it). He'd been gone for over a year, and it seemed like he accepted that we'd just be friends. But suddenly, he returned. And he said that he came back just for me. He keeps calling and calling and texting nonstop, and gets more and more unreasonable about it.

Zack tells me all about how he only went to his home country to amass lots of wealth, buy a house, bribing and stepping on so many people along the way ... and he says he did all that for me, so he could come back to the US and marry me. I tell him that I'd be getting married to DH -- in a week (which I did), and Zack flips out. He begs me to not marry DH, to marry him instead. He talks about how wealthy and powerful he is, and how he got into perfect physical shape just for me. He absolutely refused to date other women, despite my encouragement. He kept insisting that he would wait for me forever, that he'd never lose hope, etc.

When I tell him that this is not OK, that he needs to respect my boundaries, he tells me he doesn't care if I can't handle his undying love for me.. And apparently he'd been sobbing to all of his friends and family, and having them refer to me as Mr. ZacksLastName, and it's a complete mess. My DH was getting agitated with him, especially since we were about to get married and he was doing this.

I've already tried ignoring him, but it makes him even more obsessive. And I've tried blocking him, but he just contacts me with new phone numbers and email addresses.

He even booked a reservation at a restaurant (again, I wasn't contacting him), and said he'd wait for me all night long with the statue. Of course I didn't show up...DH and I were flying to Lake Tahoe to get married there.

After we returned home, I clearly told Zack via email: Do not ever contact me again, not even in response to this.

Of course he responded, but then angrily promised to never contact me again.

For a month after, he did not contact me. But now he's starting up again -- this time ranting about how I'm a sociopath, and attaching screenshots of snippets of our past conversations.

I really don't want to take legal action, esp since he used to be a friend for years. Is he likely to chill out and back off again for good, or do I potentially have a big headache on my hands?

Thanks -- and sorry this was so long!

I agree with what overs have said - this is a real stalking situation. I would suggest you read Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. He's an expert in predicting violent behavior (you can google his company) and there's a chapter in it on stalking and "persistent" people. Essentially, you really need to never contact this guy ever again, even to tell him to stop. If he sends 500 emails and gets a "Stop it!" in response, then he discovers that he'll get a response after 500 emails, and he'll keep doing it. Change your email. Get a new phone with a new number, and keep the old one for him to call, and eventually he'll be the only person calling it as you screen the calls/voicemails and give everyone else your new number). Let everyone in your life know that this person is not to get in touch with you or give out any information about you.

As for legal action, de Becker is cautious about it. His research suggests that restraining orders could make the situation worse. You could consult with the police. I would definitely start documenting everything that this guy does, though.
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Old 10-27-2014, 09:32 PM
 
12,984 posts, read 15,322,633 times
Reputation: 15163
Not borderline. Get a restraining order.
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Old 10-27-2014, 10:38 PM
 
12 posts, read 9,994 times
Reputation: 15
Looks like I'm not being paranoid...wow.

I'm hesitant to file a restraining order, because I don't want him knowing my new last name...honestly I think that's sort of my saving grace. That and the fact that he doesn't know where I live.

I am keeping a log of everything for if worst does come to worst.

Making me creeped out seeing all those emails, and the trend. In several, he said that he hates me, and that only anger makes his pain go away.

Even my husband started worrying a bit from that....but he insists that I'm ok since Zack doesn't know my last name or address.
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