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Old 11-03-2014, 08:38 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mysteriousjane View Post
My husband isn't on the best of terms with his family and keeps his distance. No regular phone calls, pictures, etc. And we live out of state. We have 2 kids, ages 1 and 2. I don't particularly care for them, especially my father in law. Do I have an obligation to promote a grandparent/grandchild relationship between them if my husband can't be bothered by it?

Legally no you do not have an obligation to ensure a relationship with this part of the family and your children.

The decision is yours and your husband's regarding your children and if you both decide equally that there will be no relationship then that is how it should be until one of your change your mind, you discuss it again and come to an agreement.
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Old 11-05-2014, 09:39 AM
 
32,108 posts, read 33,023,250 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mysteriousjane View Post
My husband isn't on the best of terms with his family and keeps his distance. No regular phone calls, pictures, etc. And we live out of state. We have 2 kids, ages 1 and 2. I don't particularly care for them, especially my father in law. Do I have an obligation to promote a grandparent/grandchild relationship between them if my husband can't be bothered by it?
I don't think you have an obligation to do so but I also think that you shouldn't prevent the in-laws side of the family from getting to know your children.
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Old 11-05-2014, 11:59 AM
 
Location: Back at home in western Washington!
1,490 posts, read 3,952,224 times
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[quote=Oldhag1;37118775]
But also consider this, do you really want to teach your children that they can write off their parents (you) if they disagree with them or get mad at them? I get the impression that the issues between son and parents have much deeper roots than a simple disagreement. The OP talks about trying to reunite her husband with his parents for years without success. That speaks of deep seated negative feelings, not just a "cold shoulder" over a singular incident.

Having a relationship with them doesn't mean having constant contact or even in-person contact. Agreed. Pictures or cards sent to the in-laws may be the best idea. It will make the OP feel like she is "involving" (or at least keeping contact with) her husband's parents.

Sometimes less than stellar parents, as long as they weren't cruel or mean, do just fine as grandparents. The role is less demanding and stressful, so they are more relaxed and less critical. I would be curious to know the husband's stance on this. My husband doesn't like his parents and grudgingly allows our children to interact with them. Most of these visits are stressful because my husband spends the entire time on edge.[/quote]

This is one of those times that I would defer to my husband's feelings and wishes. Sending a card or photo of the kids to your in-laws might be the perfect thing.
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Old 11-05-2014, 12:40 PM
 
Location: Chicago
3,275 posts, read 4,774,775 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mysteriousjane View Post
My husband isn't on the best of terms with his family and keeps his distance. No regular phone calls, pictures, etc. And we live out of state. We have 2 kids, ages 1 and 2. I don't particularly care for them, especially my father in law. Do I have an obligation to promote a grandparent/grandchild relationship between them if my husband can't be bothered by it?
Well, I can tell you now that when I have children I won't be going out of my way for my in-laws. I don't expect them to show much (or any) interest in any grandchildren they have so I'm not going to force it. If my husband wants to take the lead there, that's fine. If he doesn't, that's fine too.
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Old 11-05-2014, 03:11 PM
 
28,905 posts, read 46,767,657 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mysteriousjane View Post
They weren't the best most attentive parents, not bad, but grudges are held on everyone's parts. I have tried restoring the relationship between them, but 30 years of damage has been done, only so much a wife can do.
If this is true, then I think your husband needs a nice warm cup of Grow The F*** Up.

Every single parent on the planet has made mistakes, myself included. If the parents weren't awful people who just made mistakes while parenting, perhaps it's time they saw their grandchildren.
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Old 11-05-2014, 04:14 PM
 
4,349 posts, read 6,064,802 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
If this is true, then I think your husband needs a nice warm cup of Grow The F*** Up.

Every single parent on the planet has made mistakes, myself included. If the parents weren't awful people who just made mistakes while parenting, perhaps it's time they saw their grandchildren.
Absolutely and exactly! If you want to be helpful in the healing and be a good role model for your own children to follow then step up and get to work on repairing the rift and show your kids what extended family is all about. By not taking responsibility you will become the catalyst. Talk sense into your husband! Your precious little family is not an island. Your actions and non actions reverberate and affect others now and in years to come.
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Old 11-05-2014, 09:12 PM
 
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This is why I said to follow her husband's lead. He knows the whole situation.
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Old 11-05-2014, 09:25 PM
 
Location: Santa Cruz
698 posts, read 644,627 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ipoetry View Post
Absolutely and exactly! If you want to be helpful in the healing and be a good role model for your own children to follow then step up and get to work on repairing the rift and show your kids what extended family is all about. By not taking responsibility you will become the catalyst. Talk sense into your husband! Your precious little family is not an island. Your actions and non actions reverberate and affect others now and in years to come.
That's what I used to think. Now I have a 23 year old who is barely maintaining due to having a breakdown over my own Mother. Almost graduated with a BA but cannot even concentrate enough to understand the Teachers instructions...a whole different kid. I had no idea, I lived with her, how bad could she be? Oh MY GOD, biggest mistake. She became a stalker, sends us hateful messages, and the stuff she did concerning my fathers death, oh my god. a fricken total nut case. Worse than what is imaginable so I never tell anyone.

Trust the husband. If they are not close, there may be a very good reason. Kids love their parents, and are TOO forgiving, it's hardly ever vice versa. We knew this Everyone makes mistakes but some things, no matter how nice you are, are not repairable. Unless you choose to fathom unimaginable hatred. I've never allowed them to be too close, always supervised yet never could pinpoint exactly why.
I really couldn't have fathomed all this stuff.
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Old 11-06-2014, 09:07 AM
 
10,171 posts, read 7,094,203 times
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I really think it is your husbands job, but it is something that can be negotiated.

My husband loves his parents, but being around them is very hard for him (they are very judgmental and had been controlling). For a long time I felt a duty to plan the trips, send them pictures, keep them updated, call them on important dates. Which was hard...because they are very stressful to interact with. So I stopped and we talked and we came up with not visiting and he calls on holidays (sometimes) and I send occasional emails. They caught on to us not visiting (there are a million reasons why we don't) and they come once a year for a day (I don't think they like us much either lol). When they are here I play host, but try to keep the focus on the kids spending time with their grandparents.

So I think it is not your job, but it might be something to negotiate with your husband. Clearly its just too hard for him to do it himself, so it is ok to step in to support him, but when the terms are set.
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Old 11-06-2014, 09:14 AM
 
10,171 posts, read 7,094,203 times
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Also, I play interception when they are with the kids in case judgement or controlling behavior comes out towards them. Its exhausting! My husband checks out mentally when they are here. Honestly, if he didn't want any relationship, I would support that. But he does, just limited, which I support totally.
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