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Old 11-03-2014, 07:14 PM
 
35,121 posts, read 40,004,782 times
Reputation: 62027

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Quote:
Originally Posted by katestar View Post
Whoa! Angry much? I don't live my life like you. We keep our finances together because that's what works for us. And when you say "another human" it's not another human, it's your mother. If you wouldn't feel bad for your mother in a bad situation no matter how she got there, then I feel bad for you.

Change the way you handle your finances and do not pay for anything besides debts for yourself or quit complaining that you are allowing someone to make you feel guilty so you will pay their debts.
Being someone's Mother does not give them the automatic right to their adult child's bank account and if she has to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and stay home instead of going on vacation so be it. Her choice to be irresponsible financially so it is her choice to stay home and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Last edited by CSD610; 11-03-2014 at 07:23 PM..
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Old 11-03-2014, 07:46 PM
 
Location: Chicago
3,275 posts, read 4,748,029 times
Reputation: 4036
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aggiebuttercup View Post
I would not send money for restaurants or other splurges. If she said something passive aggressive like "It must be nice to go out for steak" I would just smile and say "Yes, it certainly is." If you or your partner can't leave it at that, it might be wise to look into why. Counseling certainly helped me learn to stem my urge to fix everyone and to stop feeling guilt over things I shouldn't feel guilty for.
Exactly. The OP and her partner don't owe her partner's mother anything. If they want to give her money, that is one thing, but I don't understand why they would let her mother manipulate them so easily. That really has more to do with them than it does her partner's mother. I'm sure her mother is trying to manipulate others if she's gone so far as to steal someone's credit card.
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Old 11-03-2014, 08:13 PM
 
587 posts, read 701,778 times
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Is she really asking you to buy her this stuff (steak, airfare) or just complaining that she can't afford it?

I think if you treat her to a plane ticket every year or so, you are getting off cheap. I would be more worried that she would run up enough debts so that she wanted to move back in with me.
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Old 11-04-2014, 02:45 AM
 
Location: Tucson for awhile longer
8,872 posts, read 13,501,647 times
Reputation: 29030
Quote:
Originally Posted by katestar View Post
Would you be able to do this to your own mother, who has done nothing bad to you except be irresponsible with her finances? I just find it hard and I would find it hard to tell my partner to do so. I mean she doesn't have too many years left, to imagine her living destitute even if it is to her own doing, seems wrong. Family and all, right?
If you feel this way, I don't understand what advice you seek. This post indicates to me you and your partner intend to continue supporting both mothers in spite of their poor financial judgment, so what's the problem? Also, how old is this woman? Previously you said she took her SS early (which means age 62 I think) and she is still working "under the table." Yet here you say "she doesn't have too many years left." I'm confused. I don't think most employed people in their early sixties see themselves at death's door.
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Old 11-04-2014, 09:02 AM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,575,589 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katestar View Post
Would you be able to do this to your own mother, who has done nothing bad to you except be irresponsible with her finances? I just find it hard and I would find it hard to tell my partner to do so. I mean she doesn't have too many years left, to imagine her living destitute even if it is to her own doing, seems wrong. Family and all, right?
Seriously....Your attitude is over the line in response to the fact that you asked for posters to give you their opinions, ideas and insight.
I find your attitude will keep you where you are, ....So....You might want to just accept it....and learn to live with it....And...to that end...my advice is too start saving your money for the day you do start supporting your MIL again.....Good luck
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Old 11-04-2014, 11:58 AM
 
2,677 posts, read 3,854,146 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
Seriously....Your attitude is over the line in response to the fact that you asked for posters to give you their opinions, ideas and insight.
I find your attitude will keep you where you are, ....So....You might want to just accept it....and learn to live with it....And...to that end...my advice is too start saving your money for the day you do start supporting your MIL again.....Good luck
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come off this way. We have dealt with MIL for about 3 years now, with the last year her being on her own. Now I feel like the stuff that has gotten her in trouble is starting to happen again. I will not live with her again and I'm tired of hearing the moaning and complaining. She can pretty much afford whatever she needs now because she is working, but complains that she has to work and has no time off. I think it's her attitude that ticks me off. I wish she had never lived with us in the first place. I feel that it has made our relationship a little awkward and there is no going back now. Then she makes comments like "why don't you buy a house and I'll live in the basement." Um, no. Does she expect us to take care of her? I watched my own parents go through guilt trips and expectations from their parents and it's stressful. My step-mother will not talk to my father's mother at all because of things like this.

Anyway, I do take all of the advice in consideration. My partner and I talk, so when the time comes I know we can come up with a workable solution. I enjoy posting here because it lets me let off some steam and get my mind in order before speaking with her and getting angry.
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Old 11-04-2014, 01:14 PM
 
Location: Texas
1,029 posts, read 1,212,279 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katestar View Post
Then she makes comments like "why don't you buy a house and I'll live in the basement." Um, no. Does she expect us to take care of her?
Probably. You have done so in the past - she lived with you for over a year. You are now debating whether to give her money for restaurants and vacations.

You've shown her that you will enable her bad behavior, so she expects that you will continue to do so.

If you decide to change the way that the two of you handle her, then expect that her passive aggressiveness will get WORSE in the short-term. She'll escalate the guilt trips thinking that it will only take a little more pressure before you cave. Because, after all, you usually cave.

It's hard to change patterns. Since you can't control her, you can only control yourselves.
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Old 11-04-2014, 01:23 PM
 
Location: Dallas
5,599 posts, read 4,907,321 times
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If someone is making twice what their monthly bills are and still doesn't have the money for vacations, plane fares and dinners, oh well. I don't see any reason why you should have to bail the mother out for making bad decisions. She obviously hasn't learned her lesson after 2 bankruptcies. It's one thing to help a parent out when their income doesn't meet basic expenses. Vacations and eating out are not basic expenses. Don't be a sucker.

If you really want to help, offer to manage her money. Give her an allowance to blow on whatever she wants, and use the rest for bills and to pay off debts. Show her what good money management is, and how to achieve it. I'm betting she won't go along with this, but I would offer it anyway. If she refuses, then you'll be justified to refuse help for the non essential expenses she runs up.
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Old 11-04-2014, 02:19 PM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,575,589 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katestar View Post
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come off this way. We have dealt with MIL for about 3 years now, with the last year her being on her own. Now I feel like the stuff that has gotten her in trouble is starting to happen again. I will not live with her again and I'm tired of hearing the moaning and complaining. She can pretty much afford whatever she needs now because she is working, but complains that she has to work and has no time off. I think it's her attitude that ticks me off. I wish she had never lived with us in the first place. I feel that it has made our relationship a little awkward and there is no going back now. Then she makes comments like "why don't you buy a house and I'll live in the basement." Um, no. Does she expect us to take care of her? I watched my own parents go through guilt trips and expectations from their parents and it's stressful. My step-mother will not talk to my father's mother at all because of things like this.

Anyway, I do take all of the advice in consideration. My partner and I talk, so when the time comes I know we can come up with a workable solution. I enjoy posting here because it lets me let off some steam and get my mind in order before speaking with her and getting angry.
I can understand that. I know how it feels myself. And, I appreciate your trying to revise your post some. I got you

Now....I think what would help....and maybe others could chime in.....You said she is on disability...or at least partial, because she is working, right?

I know that often times ppl on disability have payee......folks that monitor and dole out their income.....to prevent situations like you're worried about happening again.

I do not think your partner should be in that role again....it is obviously to hard, and your MIL too manipulative.

Check with your State, I would start with whatever your senior program agency is called where you live. Ask about a POA....power of attorney for your MIL disability. You and your partner may want to even schedule an appointment and go together to explore this type situation, if you find a contact.

It may not be easy.....and it may be worse because your MIL is an adult, and obviously is not disabled enough to be in a supported living facility.....although that is something to consider also.

I recall that you said your SIL is now taking care of your MIL finances. That sounds like it is not a good idea....from what you've described, as she is headed back into the same hole.....and there in lies your fears....You'll be yet again responsible.

The truth is, it sounds to me like your MIL might qualify for some assistance in her living skills....and managing her money....So, at least get an idea of the resources in place that are there to help and you and your partner need to act on it, perhaps convincing your MIL how much better things would be if she had ongoing help with those issues.
Start with dialing 211....which is a resource information number in every state now.....ask questions, the folks are trained to help you match the resources with your questions....Good luck....

EDIT: aquietpath has the right idea.....just have a professional POA do that....
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Old 11-04-2014, 03:51 PM
 
Location: Keosauqua, Iowa
9,164 posts, read 16,570,617 times
Reputation: 12293
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
Now....I think what would help....and maybe others could chime in.....You said she is on disability...or at least partial, because she is working, right?
I don't believe the woman is disabled, she took Social Security early and now works under the table so her income from working doesn't impact her Social Security.
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