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Old 11-04-2014, 04:40 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,941 posts, read 17,236,141 times
Reputation: 40965

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Quote:
Originally Posted by katestar View Post
Would you be able to do this to your own mother, who has done nothing bad to you except be irresponsible with her finances? I just find it hard and I would find it hard to tell my partner to do so. I mean she doesn't have too many years left, to imagine her living destitute even if it is to her own doing, seems wrong. Family and all, right?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jukesgrrl View Post
If you feel this way, I don't understand what advice you seek. This post indicates to me you and your partner intend to continue supporting both mothers in spite of their poor financial judgment, so what's the problem? Also, how old is this woman? Previously you said she took her SS early (which means age 62 I think) and she is still working "under the table." Yet here you say "she doesn't have too many years left." I'm confused. I don't think most employed people in their early sixties see themselves at death's door.
Unless your mother has some type of illness or your family tends to die young, expect her spending problems to effect you and your partner for the next ten to twenty years. Or maybe even thirty or more years. And it probably will get worse after her mom is unable to do any extra "under the table" work to supplement her social security check.
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Old 11-05-2014, 08:53 AM
 
2,677 posts, read 3,857,217 times
Reputation: 1332
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Unless your mother has some type of illness or your family tends to die young, expect her spending problems to effect you and your partner for the next ten to twenty years. Or maybe even thirty or more years. And it probably will get worse after her mom is unable to do any extra "under the table" work to supplement her social security check.
Eek. Well that was kind of the point of my OP, how do I/we prevent this from happening?!?!
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Old 11-05-2014, 09:08 AM
 
16,722 posts, read 14,633,057 times
Reputation: 41117
Just say no!!
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Old 11-05-2014, 06:23 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,941 posts, read 17,236,141 times
Reputation: 40965
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Unless your mother has some type of illness or your family tends to die young, expect her spending problems to effect you and your partner for the next ten to twenty years. Or maybe even thirty or more years. And it probably will get worse after her mom is unable to do any extra "under the table" work to supplement her social security check.
Quote:
Originally Posted by katestar View Post
Eek. Well that was kind of the point of my OP, how do I/we prevent this from happening?!?!
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
Just say no!!
I agree completely with convextech.

"No, Mom, we will not pay for plane tickets to New York."

"No, Mom, we can not afford to pay for you to go to Expensive Steak House tonight (or tomorrow, or next week)."

"No, Mom, we will not 'loan' you money to go on vacation."


Perhaps, think of Mom as a child.
If your five year old demanded a pony and you could not afford it, wouldn't you just tell her "No" ?
If your two year old wanted to eat every single meal at McDonalds and you did not agree, wouldn't you just say "No" ?
If your eight year old demanded that you take her to Disneyworld for a vacation and you could not afford it, wouldn't you just say "No"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
Just say no!!
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Old 11-06-2014, 02:09 AM
 
Location: Florida
19,689 posts, read 19,802,909 times
Reputation: 23049
You keep stressing that just because she is a
mother' there is some inherent obligation to her.
How about, since she is a 'mother', she has some inherent obligation toward her child? And I don't think it's in the Parent and Child Handbook that causing financial hardship for your child for your extravagance is acceptable.
If you can't get over that idea, plan your own future very frugally since she will be sucking away a good share of your money.
She'll get steak while you have hot dogs.
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Old 11-06-2014, 05:20 AM
 
10,244 posts, read 9,335,139 times
Reputation: 15839
I agree with the others about 'just say no'. How one says it is up to them. If it were me, my reply would be, "Sorry, but I don't have the resources to help you."
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Old 11-06-2014, 09:07 AM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
6,509 posts, read 7,756,840 times
Reputation: 15854
Quote:
Originally Posted by katestar View Post
Would you be able to do this to your own mother, who has done nothing bad to you except be irresponsible with her finances? I just find it hard and I would find it hard to tell my partner to do so. I mean she doesn't have too many years left, to imagine her living destitute even if it is to her own doing, seems wrong. Family and all, right?
Years ago my husband told his father (who sounds much like the partner's mother) "No." He also told his mother "No" when she wanted money for his financially careless sister. Just last month he told this same sister "No" when she called asking for rent money. We gave her rent money at the beginning of the year and paid some bills for her. Husband told her to look for a cheaper place. She only calls when she needs money. Never calls to ask how he is or sends birthday/holiday greetings. It's sad. His father and mother (now both deceased-they were divorced) and his sister never ended up on the streets or starving.

I've never begrudged any of his family money, but there does come a point in time when one must say no.
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Old 11-09-2014, 09:25 AM
 
Location: Central IL
15,098 posts, read 8,432,014 times
Reputation: 35340
Quote:
Originally Posted by katestar View Post
Would you be able to do this to your own mother, who has done nothing bad to you except be irresponsible with her finances? I just find it hard and I would find it hard to tell my partner to do so. I mean she doesn't have too many years left, to imagine her living destitute even if it is to her own doing, seems wrong. Family and all, right?

So which way do you want it? You tell your sad story and then when people give you solid advice you change sides? You're stuck - and that's the way you want it - you'll always have something you can complain about and have people feel sorry for you over - so enjoy!!!!
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Old 11-09-2014, 10:18 AM
 
Location: Lebanon, OH
5,865 posts, read 6,294,873 times
Reputation: 12436
Quote:
Originally Posted by katestar View Post
Would you be able to do this to your own mother, who has done nothing bad to you except be irresponsible with her finances?
I have been in that position and had to tell my mom no because I had a daughter in college and I was not in a position to bail out my mom because she could not control her crazy spending, she is a hoarder and does not need more junk, and I have told her so a million times.

It's those who are irresponsible with their money and needing help and doing the guilt tripping that are the selfish ones, of course they will never see it that way themselves.
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Old 11-13-2014, 02:55 PM
 
1,304 posts, read 1,180,170 times
Reputation: 1479
Haven't been there (yet) but we live in America where there is plentiful options (ESPECIALLY for that generation) to retire with a decent amount of money so why should we have to pick up the loose ends? Nope sorry.

It's called being financially responsible and yes I understand some people "lost it ALL" in the recession. Which makes me wonder, why they had ALL their finances in one basket? Anyways.. point is we all have to own up to our decisions and for some that means working until death or working multiple jobs. My husband and I started investing the minute he started his career at 21 or 22 and is it easy? NO but it's RESPONSIBLE. It sucks they figured it out way too late but again we live in a country where there are so many options, how you can one not be aware that even investing something per month will help?
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