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Old 11-05-2014, 12:01 PM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
36,940 posts, read 45,376,262 times
Reputation: 61417

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I think your wedding is wasteful and inconsiderate to your guests, BUT its your wedding and as long as you can afford it you are free to do what you and your fiancé want. A lot of people who might otherwise want to share the joyous occasion, will not be able to attend because of the burdensome expense, but who cares about that, right? Its all about you.
As another poster said, your mistake was sharing financial information with others. If the grooms parents offered to pay for part of the wedding, and that part of the wedding has been made too expensive for them, that could be why they're acting this way.
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Old 11-05-2014, 12:26 PM
 
Location: Aliso Viejo, CA
388 posts, read 803,074 times
Reputation: 611
Quote:
Originally Posted by Indigo Cardinal View Post
I'm going to be honest, OP--the whole 'planned this wedding my entire life' bit tends to make me concerned that you're more into the wedding than you are the marriage itself. I've seen a number of brides who are so into their weddings that they forget the reality of everyday life as a married person is coming up.
The wedding and honeymoon are just the beginning - spending too much for that day or week or two afterward can totally set a couple up for real financial struggles into their future. More concerning is the focus on the single day and not the whole life together, as many previous posters have said.

One of my nephews (no job) got married to a girl who was completely into the honeymoon - all of the focus was on two weeks in France - no expense spared with no thought of how they would live afterward. They solicited donations on a website for airfare to Paris, lunch, trains between multiple cities, hotels, even tickets to the Louvre. Not surprisingly, very few people chose to subsidize a two-week wedding trip in this way - and because they were unable to recoup the cost from the website donations, they were in a hole from the start.

They returned from the honeymoon and chose to move from Florida to New York City, one of the most expensive places in the country to live. They couldn't afford to live (to their standards) there so somehow chose to drive across the country to LA but quickly found that they couldn't afford to live out here either on minimum wage jobs and no savings. Now one year later they are back in Florida with no money and one minimum wage job. Reality kicked in really quickly and their life together looks completely different without money and trips and with no focus on each other. She wrote "what a long strange trip it's (sic) been" on Instagram on their one year anniversary - no happiness. It's true that money doesn't buy happiness but not having enough of it can definitely contribute to problems going forward, especially if one or both of the couple are used to a certain standard of living and then no longer have it.

Two issues for the OP for sure - the money and the feelings of the groom's family. Only the OP (and groom?) know if they have the money and if this type of destination wedding won't dig a hole in their future financial comfort, especially with her not working and wanting to have a child right away. If the money is no object and they will be in a good situation going forward, then she still needs to work out the situation with the groom's family and see if things can be sorted out so it will be a happy positive event for everyone. Buying their airfare is huge but their feelings and whatever inconvenience to them are also factors. I imagine the groom's family might be protective of him and are seeing the possibility that he might be working to pay this wedding off - it would obviously be up to him to tell them that this is his choice as well, if it is.

I would caution the OP again to focus on the two of you and do whatever will pave the way for you guys to have the best life together into the future. If there is any way this extreme wedding could drain your funds and not leave a cushion for the future, then it could/would/might be worth scaling back the perfect wedding dream to have stability and enough money to support your life together after the wedding without a major lifestyle change in a bad direction. I imagine if these two in the paragraphs above had it to do over then they might've done things differently, for it can't have been the dream to live in the groom's mother's garage.


Quote:
Originally Posted by kayanne View Post
But her fiance's family has every right to their opinion, and to be concerned about their future DIL's financial choices and priorities.

Building strong relationships with her fiance's family is infinitely more important than anything about the wedding day.
I've known my in-laws for 35 years (married for 29 years), have a good solid friendly relationship with them (but it wasn't always that way) and can promise you that it is awesome to get along and not have friction with the people who are a huge part of your family. We have differences of opinions for sure but we've gained each other's respect over time and this makes it easier when we don't see eye to eye - the relationship is there already. You are just at the beginning of trying to forge a relationship with this family - they really don't know you yet. I do not think you will regret considering their feelings and trying to at least acknowledge their concerns and make things as smooth as possible for them. Explain your viewpoint nicely even if you go ahead with your current plans - it will pave the way for good interactions into the future.


Last thought - there is nobody in the world with whom my husband and I are close enough that we would choose to use time off and money to go to any type of destination wedding. We would wish the couple the very best and be very glad that they could have their dream but would not be attending. Couples who choose this type of celebration have to realize that while this event is arguably the most important day in their life together, the importance to others might not be all that much or that (in our case) with limited time off work, we would rather choose to spend the time alone together at a destination of our own choice. The other possibility is that your wedding is VERY important to others and that they would really wish to be there and be part of the celebration but the drawbacks or obstacles to attending might be too much to overcome.

Last edited by Freebird; 11-05-2014 at 12:41 PM..
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Old 11-05-2014, 12:36 PM
 
1,640 posts, read 3,284,264 times
Reputation: 3468
I've always thought destination weddings were selfish. Who wants to incur thousands in costs just to see someone get married? If you want a destination wedding, ELOPE. Won't cost your family a penny, and you'll get the wedding of your dreams.

I was in a wedding once at age 19. I was shocked when the bride told me I needed to fork over money for my bridesmaid's dress. I guess being ignorant and young, it never occured to me that someone else could choose a dress for me for their own wedding, that I would then be expected to pay for. I was young and poor at the time, and the $100 she wanted was a lot for me. It was the first and last wedding I was ever in.

If someone invited me to a destination wedding, the answer would be NO. My sister had a destination wedding in Las Vegas, and I didn't attend (she's divorced now).

I got married at 21 at the courthouse with our parents in attendance. We were young and poor and we had just enough money saved up to throw either a cheap wedding, or have a honeymoon. We opted for the honeymoon. We got married in front of our parents, and then left the next day for a week in Nassau. We've been married 18 years and I have ZERO regrets.
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Old 11-05-2014, 12:45 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas, NV
2,761 posts, read 2,358,246 times
Reputation: 4809
It's not their wedding... and it's not their business... and they should keep their opinions to themselves. If they're not the ones spending the money for this, then why in the heck would they care?

I could understand if they're not feeling too good about dishing out money for travel... but then they can also use that as an excuse to not get you guys a gift either...

I'd look at it this way... if you're fronting the entire thing minus travel, then the guests are still probably making out in the end. However, if they can't make it... oh well... that's the risk of destination weddings.

Do yourselves a favor too.... when your future wife becomes pregnant one day... absolutely do not share any baby name ideas with these people... they'll likely ridicule that too, and nothing is worse then people poo-pooing your name ideas for YOUR child.
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Old 11-05-2014, 12:52 PM
 
Location: zone 5
7,330 posts, read 13,167,971 times
Reputation: 9611
Quote:
Originally Posted by psurangers11 View Post
but then they can also use that as an excuse to not get you guys a gift either...
That's always something for people planning a destination wedding to keep in mind-some people simply can't afford to give you a gift after they pay for a trip. Oh well.
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Old 11-05-2014, 12:59 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas, NV
2,761 posts, read 2,358,246 times
Reputation: 4809
Quote:
Originally Posted by subject2change View Post
That's always something for people planning a destination wedding to keep in mind-some people simply can't afford to give you a gift after they pay for a trip. Oh well.
Then again.. the wedding IS next year.. so it's not like they're leaving their guests in the dark about what they're doing. Plenty of time to put aside money for travel.....
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Old 11-05-2014, 01:00 PM
 
2,303 posts, read 2,248,297 times
Reputation: 3832
Quote:
Originally Posted by psurangers11 View Post
It's not their wedding... and it's not their business... and they should keep their opinions to themselves. If they're not the ones spending the money for this, then why in the heck would they care?

I could understand if they're not feeling too good about dishing out money for travel... but then they can also use that as an excuse to not get you guys a gift either...

I'd look at it this way... if you're fronting the entire thing minus travel, then the guests are still probably making out in the end. However, if they can't make it... oh well... that's the risk of destination weddings.

Do yourselves a favor too.... when your future wife becomes pregnant one day... absolutely do not share any baby name ideas with these people... they'll likely ridicule that too, and nothing is worse then people poo-pooing your name ideas for YOUR child.
Making it a destination wedding when their child is in the wedding does give them room to be annoyed and absolutely makes it their business. Obviously the parent's opinion can be ignored, but this places the parents in the position of either skipping the wedding or having to lay out a significant amount of money to attend(and FYI, travel is usually more than most gifts).
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Old 11-05-2014, 01:01 PM
 
2,303 posts, read 2,248,297 times
Reputation: 3832
Quote:
Originally Posted by psurangers11 View Post
Then again.. the wedding IS next year.. so it's not like they're leaving their guests in the dark about what they're doing. Plenty of time to put aside money for travel.....
Just because they have time to save, doesn't mean it fair to expect travel and gifts.
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Old 11-05-2014, 01:40 PM
 
Location: zone 5
7,330 posts, read 13,167,971 times
Reputation: 9611
Quote:
Originally Posted by psurangers11 View Post
Then again.. the wedding IS next year.. so it's not like they're leaving their guests in the dark about what they're doing. Plenty of time to put aside money for travel.....
I can afford to go to a destination wedding, but there was a time when I couldn't have afforded it. I would not have considered it my obligation to save up money to go to a wedding in another city. It's a couple's business where they have their wedding, but they shouldn't expect people to make sacrifices to get there.
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Old 11-05-2014, 01:58 PM
 
577 posts, read 894,890 times
Reputation: 624
Quote:
Originally Posted by Indigo Cardinal View Post
I'm going to be honest, OP--the whole 'planned this wedding my entire life' bit tends to make me concerned that you're more into the wedding than you are the marriage itself. I've seen a number of brides who are so into their weddings that they forget the reality of everyday life as a married person is coming up.
Agreed, I knew some girls that were that way, it always seemed that they just needed a cardboard cutout of the guy to complete the dream.
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