U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 11-05-2014, 02:12 PM
 
6,462 posts, read 6,495,334 times
Reputation: 9799

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeo123 View Post
Making it a destination wedding when their child is in the wedding does give them room to be annoyed and absolutely makes it their business. Obviously the parent's opinion can be ignored, but this places the parents in the position of either skipping the wedding or having to lay out a significant amount of money to attend(and FYI, travel is usually more than most gifts).
It has been the custom in my circles for the grooms family to pay for the honeymoon. They are not having them pay for that, so it's a trade off.

The brides family traditionally pays for the wedding. That sucks for them, but they also get to plan it. The grooms family doesn't traditionally pay or plan the wedding.(the good with the bad)

We told my FIL that he was welcome to have a wedding for us in his city, but we were planning ours the way we could afford it. He happily decided to attend our wedding and save his wallet. MIL generously paid for our reception and was perfectly lovely about it. My parents didn't pay for anything outside of their travel expenses and my siblings. They got off cheap in comparison to my sisters wedding.

Besides...I've often seen the in laws upset over wedding stuff without having to pay one penny. Some people just like to gripe.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 11-05-2014, 02:16 PM
 
Location: Camberville
12,062 posts, read 16,799,475 times
Reputation: 19829
I'm really surprised at all of the people harping on the destination wedding piece. Aren't most weddings "destinations" for most people? When my brother gets married next year, the wedding will be local to him but a destination wedding for his entire family and friends. Her family lives close by, but the rest of us will be forking out a ton of money for hotels in a very popular vacation area during one of the most expensive times of year. It's not like the OP is suggesting everyone fly to Hawaii or the Caribbean - Orlando has many direct flights and is a short jaunt for most of the east coast to make it just an overnight trip. My brother's area does not have many direct flights at all, so it will be even more difficult for many people to get there.

The OP said her family is scattered, so it's not like they wouldn't have to travel anyway. This summer, I will be traveling every other weekend for weddings of close friends and family - it's just the inevitable. And yes, there are plenty that I will have to turn down because they are too far.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-05-2014, 02:26 PM
 
894 posts, read 734,300 times
Reputation: 1582
Quote:
Originally Posted by PeachSalsaLover2 View Post
I'm getting married next year and I'm having some problems with my fiancé's family members and how they are acting about the wedding.

I'm coming from the prospective of someone that has dreamed of my wedding day my whole life, have always had a certain image in my mind of the wedding I want, etc. Ever since I was a little girl I have always loved weddings and had a billion magazines and wedding announcement from the papers. Yes, I'm that girl! Lol. My fiancé knows this about me and once he proposed we started to discuss the ceremony. He wanted me to have the day I'd always wanted so he told me to start planning and to do what I wanted. Our Honeymoon decision has been a collaborative effort but the wedding planning has been all me.

For our wedding: Disney World equipped with carriage ride, Disney characters and basically everything they offer lol. Disney has packages and while we are taking advantage of one but also adding our own flavoring. We are also going to do a themed photo shoot and all that jazz.

Once we were engaged we bought a house in the saw city as my husband's family. I had only met them a handful of times but was looking forward to getting close. His sister-in-law had expressed interest in being in the wedding so I made are her a bridesmaid. But now I'm getting all kinds of criticism from them because of a handful of reasons:

1.) His sister-in-law (his brother's wife), his mother and two sister all hate the Disney idea as soon as it was announced. They laughed at first but they all think it's "immature". Also they don't like it's a destination wedding and they will actually have to leave the state. The SIL and one of the sisters have both gotten married at the same venue and mentioned it as a possibility for us. It's a beautiful place but I find it boring and wouldn't go with our theme. It's been a pain to get them to show up for fittings even though everyone is close by! All my bridesmaids (six) have made the time to get their dresses fitted and see mine and all of the are in different states! Anyway, I can't get his family on board.

2.) The cost. I didn't plan on telling them the estimate but my fiancé ended up telling his sister, who told everyone else. His sister said, "Ours only cost 16 grand everyone was happy. It was good enough" which I KNOW was a stab at me. Fiance and I are comfortable with the cost and I think that's all that should matter. But they think it's too much. But he has a smaller family while I have a bigger family so of course certain costs will reflect that. They also judge me because I haven't started looking for work yet. But I quit my job to move here and with planning a wedding and fixing up the house my fiancé and I agreed I have enough on my plate. Plus I plan on getting pregnant soon so who knows when I will get back to work.

I'm just tired of the judgment and negativity. I want to love them because we're all about to be family but it's hard for me. Plus, we all just have such separate interests. They are all sarcastic. They all love the outdoors and his SIL is all "eco friendly" and it's been hard for me to get along with them. I'm trying the best I can but it's all been so awful. I don't want SIL in the wedding anymore because she's been a buzzkill and if she's not taking it seriously it's going to ruin a beautiful day I'm scared his sisters and mom will do the same.

I'm hesitant to tell my fiancé because I don't want him to be pitted against his family on my account. But I'm at a loss of what to do. He's aware of a few issues but not the extent of it.
Wow. I just can't side with you on this. Sorry to say but you sound a bit spoiled, petty and very materialistic.

I guess I didn't raise my daughter that way. She will only require a simple wedding. She's no frills, no nonsense and very sensible tastes, needs and fiscally responsible.

Now, I don't think you indicated who is paying for it or how much it is actually going to cost. If "money is no object", then yeah, you're probably right.

Otherwise, crap like this is one of the reasons so many young people start out their life in big financial trouble.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-05-2014, 02:32 PM
 
Location: Santa Cruz
698 posts, read 645,546 times
Reputation: 718
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meyerland View Post
It has been the custom in my circles for the grooms family to pay for the honeymoon. They are not having them pay for that, so it's a trade off.
OP stated they offered to pay for plane tickets for the couple to go anywhere. OP slid that in amongst all her criticisms of them, obviously having little appreciation for their generosity. So You bet your bottom dollar they are paying hundreds of dollars... for this couple's expensive tastes. Even if they squeeked by paying just a few hundred(not likely)....it's still a hella good chunk of change.

The fact is the bride needs to get off her tuff and get a job instead of planning how she's going to get knocked up immediately. Plan to get a job and experience marriage first. But instead, she seems to expect Mommy and Daddy to front her money again for the baby, they are her insurance policy. And the grooms side of the family will be expected to help her perdicament too, maybe to a lesser degree. She's clearly not mature enough for motherhood. Sounds like her parents raised her this way, sadly. But who really knows

She could learn a valuable lesson by paying for her own wedding, this will only get worse

.

Last edited by CaliforniaGal1; 11-05-2014 at 02:41 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-05-2014, 02:39 PM
 
Location: Santa Cruz
698 posts, read 645,546 times
Reputation: 718
Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
I'm really surprised at all of the people harping on the destination wedding piece. Aren't most weddings "destinations" for most people? When my brother gets married next year, the wedding will be local to him but a destination wedding for his entire family and friends. Her family lives close by, but the rest of us will be forking out a ton of money for hotels in a very popular vacation area during one of the most expensive times of year. It's not like the OP is suggesting everyone fly to Hawaii or the Caribbean - Orlando has many direct flights and is a short jaunt for most of the east coast to make it just an overnight trip. My brother's area does not have many direct flights at all, so it will be even more difficult for many people to get there.

The OP said her family is scattered, so it's not like they wouldn't have to travel anyway. This summer, I will be traveling every other weekend for weddings of close friends and family - it's just the inevitable. And yes, there are plenty that I will have to turn down because they are too far.
Honeymoons are destinations for most people, not weddings
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-05-2014, 02:40 PM
 
13,178 posts, read 20,830,916 times
Reputation: 35509
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meyerland View Post
It has been the custom in my circles for the grooms family to pay for the honeymoon. They are not having them pay for that, so it's a trade off.

The brides family traditionally pays for the wedding. That sucks for them, but they also get to plan it. The grooms family doesn't traditionally pay or plan the wedding.(the good with the bad)

We told my FIL that he was welcome to have a wedding for us in his city, but we were planning ours the way we could afford it. He happily decided to attend our wedding and save his wallet. MIL generously paid for our reception and was perfectly lovely about it. My parents didn't pay for anything outside of their travel expenses and my siblings. They got off cheap in comparison to my sisters wedding.

Besides...I've often seen the in laws upset over wedding stuff without having to pay one penny. Some people just like to gripe.
We paid for our own honeymoon, as did everybody, and I mean everybody, I know. We did give our son and DIL plane tickets as a wedding gift.

I think what really stands out in the OP's thread is #1, she didn't specify that the wedding was going to be held at Disney, so while her SIL accepted the invitation to be a bridesmaid, she was under the assumption it was a local ceremony. Even more concerning #2, she has not discussed his family's reaction to the wedding plans with her fiance. If he is truly onboard with the whole Disney thing, why hasn't she? He should be the one to tell his family it's happening, with or without their support, and then stick around to deal with the aftermath.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-05-2014, 02:42 PM
 
13,178 posts, read 20,830,916 times
Reputation: 35509
Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
I'm really surprised at all of the people harping on the destination wedding piece. Aren't most weddings "destinations" for most people? When my brother gets married next year, the wedding will be local to him but a destination wedding for his entire family and friends. Her family lives close by, but the rest of us will be forking out a ton of money for hotels in a very popular vacation area during one of the most expensive times of year. It's not like the OP is suggesting everyone fly to Hawaii or the Caribbean - Orlando has many direct flights and is a short jaunt for most of the east coast to make it just an overnight trip. My brother's area does not have many direct flights at all, so it will be even more difficult for many people to get there.

The OP said her family is scattered, so it's not like they wouldn't have to travel anyway. This summer, I will be traveling every other weekend for weddings of close friends and family - it's just the inevitable. And yes, there are plenty that I will have to turn down because they are too far.
The wedding is often a destination deal for the groom's family, but not the bride's. That doesn't excuse the bride from taking into consideration the finances of the groom's relatives.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-05-2014, 02:43 PM
 
2,303 posts, read 2,264,734 times
Reputation: 3833
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meyerland View Post
It has been the custom in my circles for the grooms family to pay for the honeymoon. They are not having them pay for that, so it's a trade off.

The brides family traditionally pays for the wedding. That sucks for them, but they also get to plan it. The grooms family doesn't traditionally pay or plan the wedding.(the good with the bad)

We told my FIL that he was welcome to have a wedding for us in his city, but we were planning ours the way we could afford it. He happily decided to attend our wedding and save his wallet. MIL generously paid for our reception and was perfectly lovely about it. My parents didn't pay for anything outside of their travel expenses and my siblings. They got off cheap in comparison to my sisters wedding.

Besides...I've often seen the in laws upset over wedding stuff without having to pay one penny. Some people just like to gripe.
I did agree the parent's opinion could be ignored, but it's extremely selfish to think that a wedding's location isn't the business of the non-paying set of parents.

Obviously the people paying have the final say(and this actually applies even when it means the bride doesn't get the final say over her own wedding if the bride isn't contributing). But saying it's not the groom's parents business where the wedding is held is completely selfish.

They can express their opinions and complain because their child's marriage is a part of their life as well, but that doesn't mean they can change it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-05-2014, 02:49 PM
 
894 posts, read 734,300 times
Reputation: 1582
One other thing. The OP mentioned later that her family "offered to pay for plane tickets for in laws" etc. Well, that really does not matter. Etiquette wise, put yourself in their position. How does one accept that?

This whole thing is weird and I really can see how you have rubbed them the wrong way. I'd be very worried about my son marrying someone like this. Your inlaws sound very reasonable.

Oh, and I know you seemed mad that people responded with their opinions.....well....it's a message board and you asked.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-05-2014, 02:53 PM
 
13,178 posts, read 20,830,916 times
Reputation: 35509
Quote:
Originally Posted by iowa4430 View Post
One other thing. The OP mentioned later that her family "offered to pay for plane tickets for in laws" etc. Well, that really does not matter. Etiquette wise, put yourself in their position. How does one accept that?
Great point. One cannot accept without feeling somehow a charity case.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 12:30 PM.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top