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Old 11-06-2014, 10:20 PM
 
2,540 posts, read 3,463,916 times
Reputation: 5568

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Quote:
Originally Posted by biscuitmom View Post
Really? Based upon what?
Upon the OP's post - it sounds like the conflict and disagreement stemmed solely from the relatives. All she was doing is planning her wedding - it doesn't sound like she was the one barging in and starting any conflicts or fights. If anything the OP sounds like a peacemaker personality, perhaps somewhat naive and young and dreamy, but so what?
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Old 11-06-2014, 10:24 PM
 
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 30,013,065 times
Reputation: 32388
Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilCookie View Post
Okay, at that rate, why should the groom's opinion be more important?
So their families have different priorities - is the 'simple' one automatically better? Sure you could work out some sort of compromise system (go fancy one year, simple the next or something), but that's troublesome and could just lead to more disagreements. Why not just let each set of grandparents do what they're comfortable with, let the kids have fun and the adults keep their mouths shut? As long as it's done out of genuine love and caring for the grandkids, I don't think it should be seen as some sort of evil.
No one said it is. But you basically said the bride gets to do whatever, and screw the groom's family. All I'm saying is the bride needs to take other people into consideration. She's not.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilCookie View Post
Upon the OP's post - it sounds like the conflict and disagreement stemmed solely from the relatives. All she was doing is planning her wedding - it doesn't sound like she was the one barging in and starting any conflicts or fights. If anything the OP sounds like a peacemaker personality, perhaps somewhat naive and young and dreamy, but so what?
I don't see it that way at all. The bride is so focused on having her day, she doesn't see it from anyone else's perspective, even after multiple people here pointed out the reasons they may be unhappy. How hard is it to realize that not everyone feels like investing that much time and money into your wedding?
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Old 11-06-2014, 10:31 PM
 
2,540 posts, read 3,463,916 times
Reputation: 5568
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
I don't see it that way at all. The bride is so focused on having her day, she doesn't see it from anyone else's perspective, even after multiple people here pointed out the reasons they may be unhappy. How hard is it to realize that not everyone feels like investing that much time and money into your wedding?
But she's said several times that the reason the relatives are unhappy is NOT the expense or inconvenience of the trip - if it was just that, it would be understandable. But she says her SIL and others are simply unhappy with them having a fancy expensive Disney wedding, because that doesn't line up with their more frugal values - I'm betting they would've voiced the same opinions even if the OP's wedding was in their hometown but was more expensive and ended up costing the same amount.
Unfortunately I've met people like that, people who think it's their right to judge what others do and how they spend their money, especially family members - even when those choices have nothing to do with them personally. It really ticks me off.
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Old 11-06-2014, 10:37 PM
 
Location: Amongst the AZ Cactus
7,074 posts, read 4,903,403 times
Reputation: 7699
Quote:
Originally Posted by photobuff42 View Post
I think she probably barreled in without any consideration of her future family. Hopefully they will treat her kindly.
OP mentioned she bent over backwards to be nice/accommodating and her in-laws weren't reciprocating so it sounds like the exact opposite as you're assuming.
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Old 11-06-2014, 10:44 PM
 
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 30,013,065 times
Reputation: 32388
Quote:
Originally Posted by PeachSalsaLover2 View Post
I'm getting married next year and I'm having some problems with my fiancé's family members and how they are acting about the wedding.

Once we were engaged we bought a house in the saw city as my husband's family. I had only met them a handful of times but was looking forward to getting close. His sister-in-law had expressed interest in being in the wedding so I made are her a bridesmaid. But now I'm getting all kinds of criticism from them because of a handful of reasons:

1.) His sister-in-law (his brother's wife), his mother and two sister all hate the Disney idea as soon as it was announced. They laughed at first but they all think it's "immature". Also they don't like it's a destination wedding and they will actually have to leave the state. The SIL and one of the sisters have both gotten married at the same venue and mentioned it as a possibility for us. It's a beautiful place but I find it boring and wouldn't go with our theme. It's been a pain to get them to show up for fittings even though everyone is close by! All my bridesmaids (six) have made the time to get their dresses fitted and see mine and all of the are in different states! Anyway, I can't get his family on board.

2.) The cost. I didn't plan on telling them the estimate but my fiancé ended up telling his sister, who told everyone else. His sister said, "Ours only cost 16 grand everyone was happy. It was good enough" which I KNOW was a stab at me. Fiance and I are comfortable with the cost and I think that's all that should matter. But they think it's too much. But he has a smaller family while I have a bigger family so of course certain costs will reflect that. They also judge me because I haven't started looking for work yet. But I quit my job to move here and with planning a wedding and fixing up the house my fiancé and I agreed I have enough on my plate. Plus I plan on getting pregnant soon so who knows when I will get back to work.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilCookie View Post
But she's said several times that the reason the relatives are unhappy is NOT the expense or inconvenience of the trip - if it was just that, it would be understandable. But she says her SIL and others are simply unhappy with them having a fancy expensive Disney wedding, because that doesn't line up with their more frugal values - I'm betting they would've voiced the same opinions even if the OP's wedding was in their hometown but was more expensive and ended up costing the same amount.
Unfortunately I've met people like that, people who think it's their right to judge what others do and how they spend their money, especially family members - even when those choices have nothing to do with them personally. It really ticks me off.
No, she said money is not an issue for his family, which she really doesn't know. Things are not always as they appear.

She said her dad offered to pay and they said no. She found that rude. I find that to be prideful. Responsible adults don't want to feel like a charity case. Besides, even if they HAVE the money, they don't necessarily want to spend it on this.

Perhaps they also have limited time to take off work and don't want to use it for this.

She said right in her first post that they don't want to leave the state.

You are the one fixating on the money judgement part because it is a peeve of yours.
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Old 11-06-2014, 10:52 PM
 
Location: Amongst the AZ Cactus
7,074 posts, read 4,903,403 times
Reputation: 7699
Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilCookie View Post
Upon the OP's post - it sounds like the conflict and disagreement stemmed solely from the relatives. All she was doing is planning her wedding - it doesn't sound like she was the one barging in and starting any conflicts or fights. If anything the OP sounds like a peacemaker personality, perhaps somewhat naive and young and dreamy, but so what?
That's my impression.

Seems like some posting can't understand the fact that just because one marries into a family, there's always not mutual respect and love between all members in a family/in-laws. One can try to be as nice and pleasant and won't get along for a bunch of reasons with another family member(s)/in-law. That's life. One can't force others to like them. And shouldn't try if they are being difficult. Sounds like some posting don't mind being the worlds doormat after trying to get along with someone and the other side doesn't reciprocate. Go figure. It's a 2 way street in my book, family or not. And the personalities of people/how they interact have nothing to do with the wedding, wedding planning, before or after. This is the personalities of people that will surface over just about any issue in the past/present/future.
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Old 11-06-2014, 11:03 PM
 
Location: Leaving fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada
3,855 posts, read 6,855,334 times
Reputation: 7311
Quote:
Originally Posted by stevek64 View Post
OP mentioned she bent over backwards to be nice/accommodating and her in-laws weren't reciprocating so it sounds like the exact opposite as you're assuming.
I reread her post on that. She didn't say exactly how she had accomplished that though.
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Old 11-07-2014, 05:29 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,941 posts, read 17,243,367 times
Reputation: 40968
Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilCookie View Post
So?? I don't get this. If one set of grandparents have the ability and will to do nice things for their children and grandchildren, they shouldn't just because it's going to make the other side feel bad?? What did those people make their money for, if they can't use it to pamper their loved ones if they so desire?

I know a family where the wife's father is very rich, the husband's family is middle class. The wife's parents have given the couple's kids, their grandkids, a multitude of fantastic experiences that neither the couple alone or the husband's parents could've afforded otherwise. Trips, parties, a Disney cruise, paying for expensive activities (the daughter was into performing, singing, pageants, all pricey). They can afford it, it makes them happy, and the kids benefit. If it makes the other set of grandparents feel inadequate - well, too bad. I mean I get that feeling, but I still think people should put that aside when it comes to their kids and grandkids. If it were me, I'd rather see my family happy and enjoying things and experiences, even if I wasn't the one able to gift it to them, than have them go without just so my feelings aren't offended.

In the case of the OP, she should have the wedding she and her groom want. It's up to the rest of the family if they want to attend. She's said several times that paying for the tickets is not part of the relatives' concern, it's simply the whole concept of her "spending too much". And whether that's true or not, that should not be their business - that is between the OP and her husband, only. One of my pet peeves is people who can't keep from counting others' money and judge what other people spend. Keep track of your own finances, and let others do the same.
One of my concerns is that the bride & her family is going to expect everything in the future to be a "big celebration" and never consider the groom or his family in any decisions that involve their immediate family celebrations.

Junior's first birthday? Let's all fly to New York and have his birthday party at the Ritz Carlton. Groom's family can't afford to come? Oh that is too bad.

First Anniversary Party? Hey, let's all go back to Disneyworld and relive the memories of the wedding. Groom's family can't afford to come? Oh that is too bad.

Christmas? Hey let's all fly to London, with all of the extended family, and do a Victorian Christmas this year. Groom's family can't afford to come? Oh that is too bad.

Granddaughter in pageants are over the US. Groom's family can't afford to ever come to see her participate? Groom's family rarely gets to spend time with granddaughter? Oh that is too bad.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
Why should everything be the bride's way? Maybe the groom was raised with simple family birthday celebrations. His opinion and traditions mean just as much as the brides. You are very naive if you think this doesn't matter. My family and my in-laws actually have very similar financial situations, but one makes spending on gifts a big priority. The other doesn't. Don't think my kids haven't noticed.

I have to question home much the kids really benefit. Spoiling kids is not to their benefit.
I agree. The OP and her husband are starting their own family. It sounds that she feels that her family traditions (BIG celebrations, spending lots of money, etc) is the only way that she will even consider.

Last edited by germaine2626; 11-07-2014 at 05:38 AM..
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Old 11-07-2014, 07:45 AM
 
Location: LEAVING CD
22,952 posts, read 22,479,604 times
Reputation: 15493
Quote:
Originally Posted by thatguydownsouth View Post
Weddings have turned into an absolute monstrosity. I was looking back at family pictures from the turn of the LAST century the other day and came across my great grandfathers wedding in 1911. They were rich, and I mean RICH and got married in their father's mansion. There were about 40 guests by the look of the picture. That was a fancy wedding to them, feeding 40 of your closest friends/family. It was of course a very formal affair with silver and crystal. Now these days we try to feed 200 people, buy expensive cakes, open bar at full retail prices, 1000 dollar photographers, DJ's, venues, the whole works. Personally Im going to tell my future daughters theyre getting married in our backyard and the 40k (in future inflated dollars) they get towards a downpayment on a home.
It would seem to me this whole subject is an offshoot of the old dowery practice where the future wife's family sent their little girl off to the husband with a hope chest full of money or a bunch of livestock to start the family off right.

Unfortunately it's turned into "bridezilla" in many instances where women have been convinced that they can/should do whatever they want and act however they want because it's "their day". WHAT ABOUT THE PERSON THEY ARE MARRYING? They've been relegated to "oh, them" status.

Is he/she (can't forget gay marriage now right?) just an accessory to this giant inflated ego party?

Heck, why not have a tasteful church wedding then an AWSOME reception party, hire a real band like AC/DC or whatever your music tastes dictate and dance the night away?
Same costs but you're actually focusing on everyone instead of just bridezilla.

In the end it's not about how and where you get married, how extravagant or simple but what you do with the marriage AFTER the party hangover has gone away that tells if it was worth the effort.
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Old 11-07-2014, 08:05 AM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
55,705 posts, read 54,294,792 times
Reputation: 65929
I'm just shocked to learn that people actually have Disney-themed weddings.
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