Fiance's family thinks we're spending too much money on wedding (college, father)

[PeachSalsaLover2]

Originally Posted by kokonutty

She says she has bent over backwards, but doesn't show any of it and she writes with so much detail when complaining about others why not about where she has conceded anything?

I have been nice, friendly and have tried to involve them as much as I can. They shut me out because they don't like me. Like my mom told me, you can only knock so many times. They have to let me in. I'm tired of trying too hard.

Yes, this has been hard on me because normally everyone loves me and I have alway made friends and been on good terms with everyone.

Originally Posted by kokonutty

I notice you're using phrases in the third person plural, like "their choice on what they want" when we haven't heard from the prospective groom or that he has had any input other than her characterization as "yes, dear." Just curious, Steve, are you in the wedding planning or a related business, by chance?

Bleh, he's a man, lol. My fiance doesn't care. I show him colors all the time and ask his opinions and he always just tells me to do what I want. He loves me more than anything and I feel that. The night of the day he proposed he told me he wanted us to have the wedding I had always wanted. There was never any of me forcing him to do anything. He knew it was important to me and he wanted to help make it happen. The honeymoon was what he was more interested in anyway. And what type of fridge we purchased. And so forth. We both make compromises. Normally we both end up getting what we want.

Originally Posted by JONOV

I understand where most people are coming from on the destination wedding being an inconvenience, but for lots of couples, its an inconvenience to half the family anyway. The destination wedding makes everyone equally miserable. If I were to marry a girl here in NC, there is a good chance her family would have to travel in from the Northeast and mine from the Midwest, demographically. Also, for many couples, it cuts down on the people that want to travel for it so it keeps their costs down as well without hurting feelings with a short guest list, although that's not the issue here.

We don't know your financial situation, but since it isn't urgent that you work, and you say you have no debt, it sounds like your quite secure and the money is a non issue. I think its really sour grapes on your SIL's side, and she sounds petty, jealous and resentful. It reminds me of people that say "No one should spend that much money on a house." Nunya Bizness if they want to spend a lot of money on it. It only becomes someone else's business if you had to then go hat in hand to your in laws for money.

It would be a destination wedding no matter what. Family and friends are spread out. Most are excited and honestly, a big part of it is Disney!

Originally Posted by kayanne

I was reading an article in last Sunday's paper about various factors that are linked to the longevity of a marriage. I told my husband the part about the wedding cost being inversely proportional to the length of the wedding. I joked that he'll be stuck with me for all eternity because we spent $125 for the Justice of the Peace to come to our house, $40 for a wristlet and corsage, and I wore a dress I got on clearance for $40! That was our total cost.

I LOVED my tiny, intimate wedding, even though at that point in our careers we could have thrown an over-the-top circus if that's what we'd wanted. (We did spend 3 weeks in Europe for our honeymoon---for us, that was a much better use of our money). I understand that most people want a bigger event than we chosen for ourselves, but i think moderation is much more tasteful and classy.

To me, a Disney wedding sounds ridiculous and immature. To think that OP has spent her life thinking about her dream wedding sounds, to me, shallow, fantasyland, and misses the point of what getting married is truly about. (not that anyone can truly know what getting married is about until they've spent a few years experiencing it). Sure, it's HER life, and she has every right to spend her money and spend her wedding day the way she wants. But her fiance's family has every right to their opinion, and to be concerned about their future DIL's financial choices and priorities.

Building strong relationships with her fiance's family is infinitely more important than anything about the wedding day.

I see a lot of the "Disney is immature" comments? Honestly, I think it's like those bumper stickers that I see on jeeps: "It's a jeep thing- you just wouldn't understand". DisneyWorld has a somewhat cult-like following As a fan and someone who has been a member of the disboards for several years, I can say that it has a magical effect on some people. It means something to me, but I'm not surprised there are people out there who think it is childish and immature. It doesn't to me. I see it as a lovely place filled with great memories and it's my favorite place on the entire planet. It's fun to me, doesn't have to be for you.

Originally Posted by CaliforniaGal1

LOL!!
It may mean the research data about large, extravagant weddings linking to higher divorce rates only mean that ...dysfunctional families are more likely to have larger, more expensive weddings?

Listen, I don't know a lot about research. I don't look at statistics. If I did it's like I can already count myself as divorced or even dead. I can't predict the future and I guess the odds are against us. But I refuse to spend less on my weddings just because "statistics" say I might be divorced. Who lives their life like that?! That would make me sad, but if that works for you... hey.

Regardless of what happens I want to look back and see that I had a fantastic day, marrying the man of my dreams, with my friends and family having a blast No matter what. I live in the present.

Originally Posted by gentlearts

I think your wedding is wasteful and inconsiderate to your guests, BUT its your wedding and as long as you can afford it you are free to do what you and your fiancé want. A lot of people who might otherwise want to share the joyous occasion, will not be able to attend because of the burdensome expense, but who cares about that, right? Its all about you.
As another poster said, your mistake was sharing financial information with others. If the grooms parents offered to pay for part of the wedding, and that part of the wedding has been made too expensive for them, that could be why they're acting this way.

Originally Posted by shaylahc

I've always thought destination weddings were selfish. Who wants to incur thousands in costs just to see someone get married? If you want a destination wedding, ELOPE. Won't cost your family a penny, and you'll get the wedding of your dreams.

I was in a wedding once at age 19. I was shocked when the bride told me I needed to fork over money for my bridesmaid's dress. I guess being ignorant and young, it never occured to me that someone else could choose a dress for me for their own wedding, that I would then be expected to pay for. I was young and poor at the time, and the $100 she wanted was a lot for me. It was the first and last wedding I was ever in.

If someone invited me to a destination wedding, the answer would be NO. My sister had a destination wedding in Las Vegas, and I didn't attend (she's divorced now).

I got married at 21 at the courthouse with our parents in attendance. We were young and poor and we had just enough money saved up to throw either a cheap wedding, or have a honeymoon. We opted for the honeymoon. We got married in front of our parents, and then left the next day for a week in Nassau. We've been married 18 years and I have ZERO regrets.

Not selfish. Everyone is excited as we are Luckily we don't have any whiners among us. Lol.

Originally Posted by subject2change

That's always something for people planning a destination wedding to keep in mind-some people simply can't afford to give you a gift after they pay for a trip. Oh well.

Everything went good. We've gotten a lot of gifts already early and I believe most of our gifts from the registries have been bought (my mom is handling that). My family gives a ton which is awesome. Everyone is great about weddings and baby showers.

Originally Posted by iowa4430

Wow. I just can't side with you on this. Sorry to say but you sound a bit spoiled, petty and very materialistic.

I guess I didn't raise my daughter that way. She will only require a simple wedding. She's no frills, no nonsense and very sensible tastes, needs and fiscally responsible.

Now, I don't think you indicated who is paying for it or how much it is actually going to cost. If "money is no object", then yeah, you're probably right.

Otherwise, crap like this is one of the reasons so many young people start out their life in big financial trouble.

My parents raised me with both. I love my family and I like nice things and think I deserve to be happy. And why shouldn't I? We have the means, family support (well... on my side) and love. You didn't raise your daughter with similar qualities? Never encouraged her dreams?

She's not better than me for having "simplistic tastes" and needs. I'm not better than her for the way I am. How silly. How silly it is to try and contrast and compare, then bring down women for their likes and dislikes.

I'm sure your daughter is a great person, but please don't pit us against each other because we have separate likes and dislikes. It's very ignorant.

Originally Posted by CaliforniaGal1

OP stated they offered to pay for plane tickets for the couple to go anywhere. OP slid that in amongst all her criticisms of them, obviously having little appreciation for their generosity. So You bet your bottom dollar they are paying hundreds of dollars... for this couple's expensive tastes. Even if they squeeked by paying just a few hundred(not likely)....it's still a hella good chunk of change.

The fact is the bride needs to get off her tuff and get a job instead of planning how she's going to get knocked up immediately. Plan to get a job and experience marriage first. But instead, she seems to expect Mommy and Daddy to front her money again for the baby, they are her insurance policy. And the grooms side of the family will be expected to help her perdicament too, maybe to a lesser degree. She's clearly not mature enough for motherhood. Sounds like her parents raised her this way, sadly. But who really knows

She could learn a valuable lesson by paying for her own wedding, this will only get worse

.

I have had a job. I had to quit because we moved states. Unfortunately I couldn't just stuff my job in my luggage and take it with me. Once we got here I was going to return to work, but with a new house and rennovations, I had things here to do. Getting a home together requires time, as does taking care of my fiance.

He's older than me (31) and wants children as soon as possible. I do too! Nothing wrong with that. My purpose in life is to be a mom and hopefully I'll be a good one (like my fantastic mother!) The decision to stay home was made by both of us.

You sound jealous and unhappy. I hope that's not the case.

Originally Posted by iowa4430

One other thing. The OP mentioned later that her family "offered to pay for plane tickets for in laws" etc. Well, that really does not matter. Etiquette wise, put yourself in their position. How does one accept that?

This whole thing is weird and I really can see how you have rubbed them the wrong way. I'd be very worried about my son marrying someone like this. Your inlaws sound very reasonable.

Oh, and I know you seemed mad that people responded with their opinions.....well....it's a message board and you asked.

Never asked for opinions of my wedding, whether or not I am spoiled, etc. Lol. I only asked how to deal with my fiance's family. Plus, people have been rude. But oh well. It doesn't bother me. It does make certain posters here look bad.

Originally Posted by Mattie

Great point. One cannot accept without feeling somehow a charity case.

My dad offered because it's hospitality. He's excited, eager to meet the and out comes his wallet. F's family is fine financially, it was never about the money. Dad just said, "Tell them we'll fly them in and put them up in the best! (hotel). We also offered to pay but they all want to come in on their own. How I was raised, that's actually pretty rude.

Originally Posted by runswithscissors

I fail to see what the in law family actually did wrong.

Giving their opinion to THEIR SON is quite NORMAL. And sharing it with his wife who is the one demanding the extravaganza isn't so weird.

I hope you offered to pay ALL OF THEIR EXPENSES for this monumental event. If not, I wouldn't even attend if it were me.

If you're not self confident enough to ignore a little "negativity" then IMO you're not mature enough to be getting married. It's very simple to say "Oh, thanks for your input" with a smile.

Over these past few days I have just felt so DONE. I cried to my fiance about it, then felt dumb but oh well. It's honestly just all the stress. I want it to be a great day and for everyone to have a good time. But I'm at the end of my rope and I'm just gonna ignore all the negativity. If they come, yay! If they don't, okay. If they act like sourpusses we'll have my Uncle put them in their place! Or hurl them into Epcot... something lol.

[PeachSalsaLover2]

Originally Posted by GoFigureMeOut

Here's my thing: You might not have a problem spending a ton of money on a Disney wedding, but have you given any thought as to how much it will cost your guests?

They must arrange time off from work, pay for flights, rental cars, hotels, food, and incidentals, not to mention the cost of a wedding gift. That will add up very fast, especially for families with two or three kids. Precisely the reason why I hate destination weddings and why, quite honestly, I'd be p*ssed if one of my relatives or in-laws went that route.

Not to be that person (and I didn't want to say this) but our guests don't have problems with money and don't care. My family lives for events like this. Feedback has been positive, plane tickets bought and everything is good. If it wasn't, someone would have to face my mama and she can be one scary lady. Lol.

Also, I'd like to say I never realized how much judgment people have over weddings. I try not to ever criticize any woman over her special day though I have seen some tacky ones in my lifetime. I also don't think how much money someone spends defines their character. I could say someone who doesn't spend a lot of money on their wedding is a poor person who probably has six inch roots, trashy and doesn't love themselves. Is that true? NO. No way. And I don't think that. I think people should do what they want. But to say I'm selfish and all that just because I want a big wedding is insane. Some of ya'll need Jesus! (Kidding but holy cow)

One last note, in my family we spend a lot of money on events. It's a culture thing. Big birthday parties, weddings, reunions, etc. We like to party and we like to spend money. Nothing wrong with that.

[ackmondual]

Anybody ever do a regular wedding with just a bride and a groom, but no other formal participants? Been to enough weddings over the past decade. First and foremost would be to find a bride, but between having childhood friends that I don't talk much with anymore, me moving around so much and no one being local anymore, and combination of those factors, I really don't have a best man, let alone groomsmen. (I also gotta admit that I'm not wild about a wedding at all since they're so freaking expensive, but I'll deal with that bridge if I get there). Any issues with this? Social stigma? Status? Experiences and reactions from spouses?

[psurangers11]

Originally Posted by Jeo123

Just because they have time to save, doesn't mean it fair to expect travel and gifts.

Traveling is the gift then... I mean jesus, it's your kid wedding for crying out loud... HOPEFULLY a once in a lifetime thing.... they know the plan a year in advance, go ahead I guess and have your initial gripes but then move on... save up the money... take the trip.... ENJOY YOURSELF...

If they're going to give that much crap to them about it... then maybe they should just do the bride and groom a favor and not go.

Look it's clearly much easier for a stranger as myself not to have to worry about forking the money over to go on a trip and say some of the comments I've said. Hell one of my good friends from college got married in St. Lucia this past summer. I was honest with him and said that's just way too expensive and we'll miss out. However, he's my friend... I just think parents should be a little bit more accepting in the end.

[SoFresh99]

This is the first (of what will be many) culture and values clashes between your side and "his side." My mother was from a moneyed family and my father was not and these types of conflicts haunted their marriage.

While it may have been agreed upon that you get to have the wedding of your dreams (which is a special one-time thing) you will need to be more sensitive going forward to the feelings of his family toward this type of "extravagance." Not that you should not spend what you earn, but that it should not be discussed or flaunted or compared in their company. Be sensitive of demands you may be putting on others whether it is an expensive bridesmaids dress they may not be able to afford or extravagant christmas gifts that make them feel like they need to spend extrvagantly as well. . .those types of things.

[photobuff42]

Bride forgets that she will have to fit into the groom's family dynamic, too, especially since she moved to their town. She will have to find a way to fit in during holidays, their birthdays, anniversaries, etc.

She says "everyone" is excited when it clearly isn't the case. I feel bad for the groom'so family.

[CSD610]

Still no mention of how important the actual marriage is.
Interesting that Disney is more important than anything else and the "everyone is excited" statement is not true or his family would not be expressing their other than thrilled opinions about the wedding and the location of the wedding.

I did find the "I've seen some tacky weddings in my day" statement by the original poster mildly entertaining though.

[ellie]

Ok, so the fiancé's family thinks the extravagant Disney idea is terrible and so does most of this forum, yet the OP is still set on it?

Alrighty then.

[Larry Caldwell]

The more you spend on the wedding, the more likely you are to get a divorce. It's not the money, it's the lack of maturity. You need to postpone this wedding for a few years while you grow up.

[ElizaTeal]

I'd like the see the OP's bridal registry.