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Old 11-03-2014, 05:15 PM
 
6 posts, read 10,241 times
Reputation: 28

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I'm getting married next year and I'm having some problems with my fiancé's family members and how they are acting about the wedding.

I'm coming from the prospective of someone that has dreamed of my wedding day my whole life, have always had a certain image in my mind of the wedding I want, etc. Ever since I was a little girl I have always loved weddings and had a billion magazines and wedding announcement from the papers. Yes, I'm that girl! Lol. My fiancé knows this about me and once he proposed we started to discuss the ceremony. He wanted me to have the day I'd always wanted so he told me to start planning and to do what I wanted. Our Honeymoon decision has been a collaborative effort but the wedding planning has been all me.

For our wedding: Disney World equipped with carriage ride, Disney characters and basically everything they offer lol. Disney has packages and while we are taking advantage of one but also adding our own flavoring. We are also going to do a themed photo shoot and all that jazz.

Once we were engaged we bought a house in the saw city as my husband's family. I had only met them a handful of times but was looking forward to getting close. His sister-in-law had expressed interest in being in the wedding so I made are her a bridesmaid. But now I'm getting all kinds of criticism from them because of a handful of reasons:

1.) His sister-in-law (his brother's wife), his mother and two sister all hate the Disney idea as soon as it was announced. They laughed at first but they all think it's "immature". Also they don't like it's a destination wedding and they will actually have to leave the state. The SIL and one of the sisters have both gotten married at the same venue and mentioned it as a possibility for us. It's a beautiful place but I find it boring and wouldn't go with our theme. It's been a pain to get them to show up for fittings even though everyone is close by! All my bridesmaids (six) have made the time to get their dresses fitted and see mine and all of the are in different states! Anyway, I can't get his family on board.

2.) The cost. I didn't plan on telling them the estimate but my fiancé ended up telling his sister, who told everyone else. His sister said, "Ours only cost 16 grand everyone was happy. It was good enough" which I KNOW was a stab at me. Fiance and I are comfortable with the cost and I think that's all that should matter. But they think it's too much. But he has a smaller family while I have a bigger family so of course certain costs will reflect that. They also judge me because I haven't started looking for work yet. But I quit my job to move here and with planning a wedding and fixing up the house my fiancé and I agreed I have enough on my plate. Plus I plan on getting pregnant soon so who knows when I will get back to work.

I'm just tired of the judgment and negativity. I want to love them because we're all about to be family but it's hard for me. Plus, we all just have such separate interests. They are all sarcastic. They all love the outdoors and his SIL is all "eco friendly" and it's been hard for me to get along with them. I'm trying the best I can but it's all been so awful. I don't want SIL in the wedding anymore because she's been a buzzkill and if she's not taking it seriously it's going to ruin a beautiful day I'm scared his sisters and mom will do the same.

I'm hesitant to tell my fiancé because I don't want him to be pitted against his family on my account. But I'm at a loss of what to do. He's aware of a few issues but not the extent of it.
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Old 11-03-2014, 10:53 PM
 
Location: CO
2,455 posts, read 2,622,795 times
Reputation: 5196
Destination weddings can be very costly for the guests - a recent article estimated an average of $540 per person. That may be why they are pushing for a different venue.

As for your chosen venue, it's only been in recent years that I've realized how attached many adults are to the idea of Disneyland. They may feel the same way. However, if it's your dream you should do it - if you can afford it. And that may be another reason his family is not on board with your desires. You mention having bought a house, and the fact that you don't have a job and may not have one in the foreseeable future. Knowing nothing of your financial situation I can guess it's a possibility that his family feels your wedding plans may be responsible for your fiancé taking on too much debt by himself.

If that isn't the case and you can easily afford your dream wedding, and a house, and a baby fairly soon, then I think your only course of action is to forge ahead and be as pleasant as possible regardless of the different personalities involved. Your fiancé has already told you he wants you to have your dream wedding so it sounds like he will back you up with his family. You can't really uninvite your SIL from the wedding party unless she declines of her own volition.

Your wedding is still some time away - they have awhile to get used to your wedding plans.
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Old 11-03-2014, 11:15 PM
 
Location: The Netherlands
4,294 posts, read 3,077,467 times
Reputation: 4286
Wedding is every one's dream and I respect and agree on that. But need to think of financial wise too. Go for a dream wedding and after the honeymoon go bank debt is not the point. But as a person who married in a young age who had all the dream wedding plans and everything perfect, but and after 8 year divorce I look at it way different as a grown up. Choose wisely.
And I read that you are not working, as well you are planing to get pregnant soon, and there is a house bought, after the dream wedding if you end up in a financial pit it wont be that soft for you as a wedding dream. If I were you I will look around more other than Disney themes there are enough things to choose simple but beautiful . I think your future in law family cautious about money because only your fiancee earn money at the moment. If I were you I will be trying to be reasonable too. Even in a wedding dream we cannot have everything we want. And life after the wedding is important for me in that sens.Good luck girl you have more time.
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Old 11-04-2014, 12:13 AM
 
Location: Bran's tree
11,047 posts, read 4,855,666 times
Reputation: 12396
Would this put you guys in debt? How much are you planning on spending, if you don't mind sharing.

If your SIL is thinking that the $16,000 she spent on her wedding is relatively little compared to what you're planning on, I just wonder if it's something extreme like $30,000+...

I don't intend to sound judgey, but are you sure you want to spend what is basically some people's entire year's salary for ultimately just a few hours?

If you and your fiance are honestly ok with it, assure the inlaws that you won't be running to them for money afterwards.

For the record, hubby and I spent approximately $700 on our wedding (basically the marriage license fee, flight to SoCal, officiant fee and dinner/customized cupcakes for guests), and it was wonderful -- just focusing on each other.

Last edited by ohhwanderlust; 11-04-2014 at 12:42 AM..
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Old 11-04-2014, 12:22 AM
 
35,109 posts, read 40,193,301 times
Reputation: 62049
Quote:
Originally Posted by PeachSalsaLover2 View Post
I'm getting married next year and I'm having some problems with my fiancé's family members and how they are acting about the wedding.

I'm coming from the prospective of someone that has dreamed of my wedding day my whole life, have always had a certain image in my mind of the wedding I want, etc. Ever since I was a little girl I have always loved weddings and had a billion magazines and wedding announcement from the papers. Yes, I'm that girl! Lol. My fiancé knows this about me and once he proposed we started to discuss the ceremony. He wanted me to have the day I'd always wanted so he told me to start planning and to do what I wanted. Our Honeymoon decision has been a collaborative effort but the wedding planning has been all me.

For our wedding: Disney World equipped with carriage ride, Disney characters and basically everything they offer lol. Disney has packages and while we are taking advantage of one but also adding our own flavoring. We are also going to do a themed photo shoot and all that jazz.

Once we were engaged we bought a house in the saw city as my husband's family. I had only met them a handful of times but was looking forward to getting close. His sister-in-law had expressed interest in being in the wedding so I made are her a bridesmaid. But now I'm getting all kinds of criticism from them because of a handful of reasons:

1.) His sister-in-law (his brother's wife), his mother and two sister all hate the Disney idea as soon as it was announced. They laughed at first but they all think it's "immature". Also they don't like it's a destination wedding and they will actually have to leave the state. The SIL and one of the sisters have both gotten married at the same venue and mentioned it as a possibility for us. It's a beautiful place but I find it boring and wouldn't go with our theme. It's been a pain to get them to show up for fittings even though everyone is close by! All my bridesmaids (six) have made the time to get their dresses fitted and see mine and all of the are in different states! Anyway, I can't get his family on board.

2.) The cost. I didn't plan on telling them the estimate but my fiancé ended up telling his sister, who told everyone else. His sister said, "Ours only cost 16 grand everyone was happy. It was good enough" which I KNOW was a stab at me. Fiance and I are comfortable with the cost and I think that's all that should matter. But they think it's too much. But he has a smaller family while I have a bigger family so of course certain costs will reflect that. They also judge me because I haven't started looking for work yet. But I quit my job to move here and with planning a wedding and fixing up the house my fiancé and I agreed I have enough on my plate. Plus I plan on getting pregnant soon so who knows when I will get back to work.

I'm just tired of the judgment and negativity. I want to love them because we're all about to be family but it's hard for me. Plus, we all just have such separate interests. They are all sarcastic. They all love the outdoors and his SIL is all "eco friendly" and it's been hard for me to get along with them. I'm trying the best I can but it's all been so awful. I don't want SIL in the wedding anymore because she's been a buzzkill and if she's not taking it seriously it's going to ruin a beautiful day I'm scared his sisters and mom will do the same.

I'm hesitant to tell my fiancé because I don't want him to be pitted against his family on my account. But I'm at a loss of what to do. He's aware of a few issues but not the extent of it.

If anyone is taking a loan or going into high dollar debt for a wedding it is too much and should be cut back tremendously.
If you had a job already or are paying for 1/2 of the wedding with money you have already saved that is one thing but if you are not helping with finances you are spending too much.
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Old 11-04-2014, 01:10 AM
 
271 posts, read 345,746 times
Reputation: 564
first of all, never discuss your finances in any form with relatives. second, i agree that in a few months when you could really be using an extra few thousand for the house or the baby, you may deeply regret spending so much for your wedding. there are tons of people who regret spending so much on a wedding, but very few people who regret underspending on their wedding.
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Old 11-04-2014, 01:13 AM
 
111 posts, read 102,772 times
Reputation: 397
I don't think this guy knows what he is getting himself in for. You sound very entitled to me, is your father paying for the wedding or are YOU and the groom funding it. If you both have a ton of money fair enough but if you are both going to use all your savings to fund your DREAM then that's just plain silly.

And you are not working and plan stopping work (for Good) as soon as you're married, hmmm.
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Old 11-04-2014, 01:34 AM
 
Location: The Netherlands
4,294 posts, read 3,077,467 times
Reputation: 4286
Quote:
Originally Posted by joyinthejourney View Post
first of all, never discuss your finances in any form with relatives. second, i agree that in a few months when you could really be using an extra few thousand for the house or the baby, you may deeply regret spending so much for your wedding. there are tons of people who regret spending so much on a wedding, but very few people who regret underspending on their wedding.
I agree on that with you I had also such a crazy dream 7 white horses, and 12 flower girls, Scottish kilt for the groom But then I was already earning and as well my ex too.Also my parents were wealthy enough to make my dream come true. But everything were spend with mine and my ex money. We paid everything half half. But still then those just for the photos and to the history after the divorce . As a grown up I think entire wedding things way too different. For me in an adult view to day with a wedding or with out a wedding have a good husband is a blessing just with a marriage license I wish I had that brain and mind when I was 23. Honestly I could buy a house with no mortgage from the money I have spend on the damn wedding.
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Old 11-04-2014, 02:26 AM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
5,686 posts, read 4,408,388 times
Reputation: 11639
how much, including attending at the destination and giving you guys a gift, do you believe your inlaws will need to spend on this wedding? They have retirement and other obligations ahead. Does the amount seem reasonable? I know that I paid for the rehearsal dinner and the week-long honeymoon (including airfare) at an all inclusive Jamaica resort for my son and his bride. To this day, I hear from my daughter that my DIL still has hard feelings that I didn't offer to kick in more towards her fairy tale wedding. Two years prior, btw, I had also paid all the legal fees for my son's divorce from wife #1. All this detail is being provided because you need to have the whole picture.....
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Old 11-04-2014, 02:45 AM
 
12,677 posts, read 14,059,781 times
Reputation: 34733
My money says that your Disney extravaganza is going to be nothing compared to the circus your married life is going to be with your in-laws. You clearly are the splashy, throw-it-all-around type and they are not. You already do not like them, and it seems they are learning not to like you.

I would predict a Disney divorce in your future. Save up for it because your boyfriend-now-husband will probably be much less inclined to be agreeable for a Disney style unravelling.
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