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Did you sit down with your siblings and talk to them about these plans? Or did you get on your white horse and charge in?
I think your mom should compensate you for your sacrifices. Siblings...not unless they agreed. But your mom is still kicking so she can and should do with her house as she sees fit. It's unfortunate she isn't being more understanding of your situation
1. We don't have "zero income". We are both on Social Security now, plus my husband's Veterans Admin disability compensation.
2. I'm not sure what is meant by a "serious of bad financial decisions"? Was it a bad financial decision for us to put our eastern house on the market and move west to help out my parents? It wasn't when we made it. Two months later, the housing market dropped. Was that our decision?
3. I'm also not clear that purchasing the property we bought out west was a bad decision. It was priced well below appraisal value when we set out to buy it. The first 2 lender applications we made involved programs that would provide money to complete the interior of the "addition". We were turned down as those lenders decided the work that was needed didn't fit the program requirements. So we didn't have any reason to feel that we could not get regular mortgage financing, as there were other programs and other avenues of application -- but we did need time to apply again because the property was headed to foreclosure. Also, we had already put about $8000 into the property since the seller had no money to do the cleanups and changes that appraisers wanted done before they would put value on for a lender. The 1-year deal with the private lender was to give us time to find a lender.
I'll also add that the main reason we have been turned down on other financing applications is because the appraisers thought that the stick-built addition was actually attached to the manufactured home, which is a "no-no" code-wise (for good reason). The addition is NOT attached, but one has to know construction and know what one is looking at in order to SEE that it's not attached. Appraisers aren't trained that way and also can't read blueprints. They apparently also can't read and understand inspection reports that proved the construction had passed all inspections -- which it would not have done if the addition was attached to the mfg home.
4. My parents' home is nice but not especially large. There is not enough room for 2 couples to live here in the one house. When we arrived, they had not even cleaned out the closets and dressers in the one spare bedroom. If it was only going to be for 6 months, no problem, but not reasonable for years as it has been. We were here a full 2 years before we went house hunting, very cramped and falling over our stuff that we have to have available to US.
5. We don't have bad credit YET. Our cards are essentially maxxed out, but we have been able to (barely) make ends meet and make the payments so far.
6. The idea to take out an equity loan against Mom's property -- she still owed $30,000 on her property. Our proposal was to take out an equity loan of $145,000 (her $30,000 + the $115,00 we need to pay off private lender). We would make all the payments on that loan. Including the $30,000 she still owed was to be our method of paying back her or the estate for money we've had to borrow from her, as well as relieve her of her $500 a month mortgage payment. She has savings and investments, but only gets $900 a month in combined Social Security and annuity from my Dad's retirement.
7. No probate on Mom's estate when she passes. It is all in the Family Trust and all 3 of us children are beneficiaries -- as is Mom -- and it reverts to us automatically as survivors.
Everything has been discussed up front and ongoing with my siblings. Reason I communicated via email was two-fold ... first, it set down my concerns in writing so it would not be so easy to forget, and second, it is hard to get them to have time for all of us to get together as it is.
Moving to help Mom and Dad is a noble and good thing. Having to sell your home in a "down market" sucks. I know, I'm in the middle of it now myself. Buying a home using a "private lender" is a bad idea. Putting $8,000 into something that you don't actually own already is a horrible idea. Borrowing money from Mom to support the continued attempts to finance this manufactured home is an even worse idea. Taking out an equity loan against a property that is destined to be part of the estate is a sure way to alienate the family and adds to the stress of the situation you are already in.
Financing a home does not take years unless there is a serious issue with the property that you have not made clear here yet. At this point, I still stand by the earlier statement - walk away.
My sisters didn’t like the idea. While it is ultimately Mom’s decision, and she initially thought she’d like to do it, she changed her mind since they were not keen on it.
And I feel stabbed in the back. My sisters both have their own homes and all the equity they’ve built up. My husband and I gave up our equity in our house back east when we sold it to come out and look after the parents. We also went into debt to make that move. My sisters like the property that my husband and I bought out here, they understand that the financing difficulties we’ve run into are abnormal and ridiculous and it’s not our fault or bad judgment that have caused that situation. But they are apparently willing to see us end up losing the property we bought to foreclosure by the private lender, and also end up bankrupt because of the many other expenses and costs associated with the fact that we have not been able to get decent mortgage financing.
I feel really hurt. I thought my sisters and I were “all for one and one for all”. We’ve always done our best to be supportive to one another throughout the vicissitudes of our lives. My husband has been growing more and more angry over the fact that my sisters rarely call Mom and have a hard time finding time to come look after her so I can get a break – I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt, knowing the stresses they have with their jobs, but maybe I’m too “soft”, I don’t know. Over the years, there have been things Mom needed (such as a lift chair) that Medicare didn't cover or didn't totally cover, and my husband and I have financed the difference and made the whole thing "a gift from us all" as my sisters said they'd pay a share, and then never did.
I’m stressed every way I turn, I feel that they have let me and my husband make all the sacrifices to look after our parents and keep them in their own home as they wanted, and that they don’t care that this has driven us to our knees financially. I expressed my feelings about it in an email to them a while ago, and neither one of them even bothered to reply.
So am I being overly sensitive about the decisions and actions of my sisters, or should I be more fair? I’m so upset, it’s hard for me to tell.
No you are not being overly sensitive. In fact, I would have another family meeting without Mom, and hand them the keys to Mom's house, and say, "It's YOUR turn now!" and walk away for awhile.
Get an outside job, deal with your finances, and worry about YOU, because your jerk sisters sure are doing that for themselves.
No, you are not being overly sensitive. I would feel extremely hurt and betrayed by my siblings. I think it is time to be blunt with them and remind them ALL you are sacrificing. They should be willing to do this for you!
Do you enjoy being a doormat? I ask because you're letting your sisters and mother (to some degree) walk all over you. You need to have a sit down meeting with your siblings and mother. Let them know these are the hours you can care for mom. No other times. Go find yourself a job to save yourself! No one else is going to save you.
Oh and if your credit cards are maxed out, you have bad credit. Lenders want your debt to income ratio to be wicked low nowadays. Anything more than a balance of 30% on your credit cards and you receive negative scoring. If you're only making the minimum payments, that can also count against you because it will take years and years to pay them off.
I would see an Elder Law Attorney before doing anything. Then after she dies, you can just bill the Estate. It avoids all conflict.
If you are the Trustee of Moms will, this will be easy. If your siblings contest it, its on the Estate's dime meaning you use the Trust to pay your Attorney's fees if your siblings challenge it. Boy would that be rotten of them! Sorry this is happening
When Mom runs out of Money, then she will need to go on InHome Support Services and you'd be paid $10 per hr to care for her anyway by the County. And if you and your husband remained in the home, and since your cared for her for over 2 years prior to her death, they couldn't take the house out from under you. Only until your own deaths could the State get access to your Mothers home. So that's a thought if it comes to that. Sorry this is happening
Last edited by CaliforniaGal1; 11-12-2014 at 10:20 PM..
If you can wait, you should be just fine in getting paid for all or a huge chunk of the years you caregived with your mother. Your Mother is your sisters Mom too so they can either help care for her (too late) or in their absence, make their contribution be financial if that is all they can contribute. Otherwise it is an affront to your Mom.
Q: Is Sister Entitled to Compensation for Caregiving from the Trust
My sister went to take care of our Mother. At that time, however, our mother was ambulatory, and took care of her own hygiene, dressed and fed herself. Our Mother could function and was alert. My sister cooked, cleaned, drove, did some of the errands alone or with our Mother. At the time she provided this care, my sister was losing her home and didn't have much money. She didn't work, but did a little bit of work every now and then, which means rarely. Our Mother passed away suddenly. And when my sister found out she was not in her trust, she wanted to be paid as a 'Caregiver'. She requested to be paid for all the time she lived there rent free with all expenses paid. She's demanding $250.00 a day including days she wasn't there and after Mother had passed away .... about 33 days. She even got a lawyer. She also claimed she stopped her business to take care of our Mother and has challenged the Trust. The trust attorney says she's entitled to compensation. There was no agreement between our mother and my sister. The arrangement was simply one of a daughter going to be with our Mother and our Mother helping out her daughter. What are the laws in California? Is she entitled and if so what is reasonable compensation. She claims she worked 24/7. I know she can't be paid for sleeping. Thank you.

Ruth P. , Elder Law Attorney answers:
What would a caregiver have charged? Caregivers don't pay rent or for food - that is included in their wage, but a caregiver 24/7 is paid between $150 and $220 per 24 hour day, plus meals and a place to sleep. And if a caregiver doesn't get 5 uninterrupted hours of sleep a night, then you pay by the hour, which is $15 - $19 per hour. So you need to settle this with your sister. And were all her expenses paid? Did mom pay for her health insurance? Contribute to a retirement plan for her? Pay social security taxes? Your sister has a claim that must be resolved. Perhaps agree to pay her at the low end of the scale - $150 per day.
- See more at: Answers to Compensation for Caregivers Questions | MyAgingFolks
I would see an Elder Law Attorney before doing anything. Then after she dies, you can just bill the Estate. It avoids all conflict.
If you are the Trustee of Moms will, this will be easy. If your siblings contest it, its on the Estate's dime meaning you use the Trust to pay your Attorney's fees if your siblings challenge it. Boy would that be rotten of them! Sorry this is happening.
You can send anyone a bill, but that doesn't mean they will pay! There is no agreement to pay the OP for her services.
They COULD have (trashed credit makes this impossible now) on a small loan, based on SS - but the property is failing lender requirements. They originally got a hard-money loan - which was incredibly dumb - and now can't get out of it because of property condition. The bright spot for the elderly mother is that they are talking about co-signing for a larger loan that they can't qualify for financially - so it's a moot point. One bad decision after another. They are going to lose the small house.
Their only recourse is to start being paid for care, minus rent (because they will be living with mom after the foreclosure), eventually inherit their third, and buy a very small house with inherited cash (because they have trashed their credit, so no longer able to finance).
Or actually hire someone to take care of mom and go get a job to pay for the house.
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