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My husband and I make enough to pay our bills with barely much left over.
He does not like paying too much for groceries. He would like us to have a specific budget.
When I told him about our having to bring a dish and our own drinks, he was not that happy. I asked him why. He reminded me of our budget. The reason why he wants a budget is because his sister has access to our checking account since her name is on it. That decision was made by the two of them. She has noticed in the past that our account balance was below what she felt comfortable *for example: $50*, and so she called him about that. She told him that she did not want him spending too much money. He has been working on that. What he does not want to happen is this... His sister calling him again and telling him the same thing. She is aware of our financial situation. She wants him to save money to use as a cushion for emergencies. But due to the fact that we make enough to pay our bills with barely much left over, that is difficult. We live in low income housing.
He gets frustrated when she does this. She feels that we should only spend *x* amount of money on groceries *close to the highest he spent as a single guy*, but with groceries prices the way they currently are and the fact that we have to buy for 2 people, that is difficult. We shop at Walmart every pay period, and our grocery bill for each pay period is over what his sister feels comfortable with no matter how much we buy for 2 people.
He is trying to avoid another argument with his sister. So that is why he wants us on a grocery budget.
There are other bills coming up that need to be paid for.
When I asked him if we would have the money to pay for the ingredients for the potluck dish, he said he was not sure.
He feels more comfortable being able to plan for the dish ahead of time money wise.
Oh, boy -- LOTS of issues going on here, few of which have to do with Thanksgiving, I'm thinking.
I don't even CARE why the sister is on the account -- obviously, he is comfortable with it, and you are too, if you haven't changed that, so I am not going to second-guess you on that. But I CAN tell you that, as a card-carrying adult, it would be a cold day in Hades if my sibling a) had access to my checking account and b) had the unmitigated nerve to comment on how I spent MY money.
And, OP, I swear to God, if you say, "I'M NOT SURE" one more time, I'm going to throw something at the screen. You aren't sure what to think about your mom's idea for Thanksgiving. You aren't sure what to think about bringing food. You aren't sure if she's strong enough for a dinner. You aren't sure what to think about a budget . . . there sure are a lot of things you are unsure about. What ARE you "sure" about? That wishy-washy "I'm not sure" B.S. is a way to avoid making a decision that someone else may not agree with -- are you THAT starved for approbation?
Make it very simple for him (because I have severe doubts as to his ability to figure this out on his own): "Dear, we're just going to take some of the money we had already budgeted for November 27th food and put it towards a little contribution towards Thanksgiving at Mom's."
You keep saying he WANTS you guys on a grocery budget -- which tends to indicate that a budget has not yet been drawn up, and he's just making up numbers in his head. Forgive me if I observe that he doesn't appear to have a head for numbers. If there's no budget, well, how does he KNOW there's not enough money for a $5 dish?
My husband had problems dealing with money in the past. So his mom asked his sister take over his finances.
She told him that whenever he got married, she would hand over his checkbook to his wife.
She did that, but when both of us mentioned to her that only the 2 of us wanted to be on his existing checking account and not the 3 of us, she said no.
Just because we are in our 40s does not mean that we lots of money to work with. We are on a tight budget.
How much CAN you afford to spend? If the answer is zero, don't go to your Mom's place without telling her you are too .... ummm .... (insert some nice word here, I can't) ... to bring any dish.
Then why is the sister on YOUR banking account????? Please!
I was honestly hoping you'd say you and your husband had some mental challenges, because only that would make any of this make the slightest bit of sense. Now you don't even have THAT excuse.
Then why is the sister on YOUR banking account????? Please!
I was honestly hoping you'd say you and your husband had some mental challenges, because only that would make any of this make the slightest bit of sense. Now you don't even have THAT excuse.
Wow.
I agree. You are concerned with whether your husband is happy with spending $5 on a family meal. Why aren't you concerned with how his inability to manage money impacts you? Not only are you being denied/given grief for doing a normal function like contributing to a meal (which, as everyone here pointed out, is what every guest should do, even if not asked. You said your mom was hospitalized---maybe she still has pays to pay or her money is short too for whatever reason), but as a married woman, you can't even manage your money as a couple, thanks to your husband's past problems? What sort of guy, even in his late thirties, agrees to his sister being on his checking account? And doesn't get her off once she is married?
I know people who have managed money poorly in the past. None have a sibling or parent on their checking account to help them manage money in the future.
Getting back to SIL, she is only concerned with your spending money on groceries? She has no issue with your spending money on clothes? What about beauty maintenance? You aren't cutting your own hair, are you? How she does she feel about your going to school, reducing your income and making it harder for her brother to keep up with the bills that are presenting you problems, even with two incomes?
You said you live in low income housing but your combined income is too high for a college grant...can you explain this?
I've worked with people who had low incomes, like living on disability income. It's surprising how much discretionary income they had, since they weren't paying much/anything for rent, medical, food, etc. That gave them the ability to buy fancier electronics and cable than I felt comfortable buying!
Then why is the sister on YOUR banking account????? Please!
I was honestly hoping you'd say you and your husband had some mental challenges, because only that would make any of this make the slightest bit of sense. Now you don't even have THAT excuse.
Wow.
To clarify things...
I had my separate checking account when we got married. His sister was never on my checking account.
My husband had a checking account with his sister's name on it.
But due to the fact that he was charged a monthly fee, we chose to close my checking and deposit what was in that closed account into the checking account shared by him and his sister.
We qualified for a checking account that does not charge a fee.
I fought his sister about having her removed from his account once we got married, but she would not back down.
My husband knows how I feel about that situation, but he told me that there is not much he can do regarding his sister. He fought her as well, but she would not back down.
My husband had problems dealing with money in the past. So his mom asked his sister take over his finances.
She told him that whenever he got married, she would hand over his checkbook to his wife.
She did that, but when both of us mentioned to her that only the 2 of us wanted to be on his existing checking account and not the 3 of us, she said no.
This was in 2013.
There is more going on here than you're telling and that's fine. It's your business and all that. But again, your issue is much larger than what you're going to do on Thanksgiving.
If you're happy in your marriage and happy with having your SIL in your finances, then abide by your husband's wishes and stay home because you can't afford to take a side dish to your mom's. But, if you're wishing for objective opinions about your situation, here they are:
(1) It is not unreasonable for your mom to have a Thanksgiving potluck and it was not unreasonable for her to tell you 10 days in advance.
(2) You most likely will be eating something that day, so you might as well spend $3 on a side dish and enjoy the company of family and friends.
(3) Your new husband's behavior is an indication of what to expect in the coming years. From what you've said, he appears at the very least to be immature and inflexible.
I had my separate checking account when we got married. His sister was never on my checking account.
My husband had a checking account with his sister's name on it.
But due to the fact that he was charged a monthly fee, we chose to close my checking and deposit what was in that closed account into the checking account shared by him and his sister.
We qualified for a checking account that does not charge a fee.
I fought his sister about having her removed from his account once we got married, but she would not back down.
My husband knows how I feel about that situation, but he told me that there is not much he can do regarding his sister. He fought her as well, but she would not back down.
Don't give me this tripe.
If you and your husband don't want his sister on your account, just go open an account without her on it.
If your husband has not been declared incompetent by the courts, there is absolutely nothing stopping him from opening up his own account (either with or without you on it) and having his funds deposited into his own account. So what if his sister gets mad?
Wow, there is so much more to this story than you're sharing with us.
I had my separate checking account when we got married. His sister was never on my checking account.
My husband had a checking account with his sister's name on it.
But due to the fact that he was charged a monthly fee, we chose to close my checking and deposit what was in that closed account into the checking account shared by him and his sister.
We qualified for a checking account that does not charge a fee.
I fought his sister about having her removed from his account once we got married, but she would not back down.
My husband knows how I feel about that situation, but he told me that there is not much he can do regarding his sister. He fought her as well, but she would not back down.
There is no need to fight with the sister, unless she's your husband's legal guardian. All you need to do is open another account for just the two of you and transfer money in the old account to the new account. If all 3 of you have to sign off on transfers, just start depositing your checks in the new account. Spend the money in the old account until it is gone and close it.
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