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I feel like my family doesn't respect me because I don't work hard, at least, in their eyes. I started thinking about this and how much it bothered me now that I'm in therapy. It's something that upsets me and something I don't want to wait a second longer to change.
My parents always instilled the importance of work, but as a teen I never held down any jobs. I was too busy playing sports and chasing boys and was too busy running the roads to be anywhere too long. In college I spent four years in a different city and never worked because I was busy with studying and my social life. Lived off my scholarship and loan money. Got a job a few weeks before graduating, my second job. The first was my sophomore year of college but I walked out after three days because I realized cashiering wasn't for me. Plus, like I said, busy with school.
These days I have my CPA and work part time like crazy during tax season helping a friend at one of her offices. But during the year I don't work a normal 30 to 40 hour week. I do wedding planning and it's work I honestly enjoy doing because it's flexible. I only assist two weddings at a time so when I'm not doing that I like sleeping late and doing hobbies I enjoy. I have no debt and I stay active.
According to my parents and other family members, I don't work hard and never have. They think I have never worked hard and that I am a bit lazy. It's true... and the older I get, the lazier I get! I justdo as little as I have to. However, they don't respect me. My parents don't, my grandparents, and my brother and sister. I love them dearly but it's like I am never allowed to have an opinion on anything. My parents still treat me like a child, even in my own home! I dont want to cut them out of my life. I have been reading that thread thats a bit below mine, the toxic person thread and I like the retrain idea! I want to do it. I really want to change how they respond to me. But I worry about how I can do it. I try not to be a pushover but when I have tried standing up for myself in the past it has only made things worse.
It's funny because my parents think what makes a true adult is not an age but when that person is self supporting and has a job. I have both yet they think I am lazy, don't know real work and that the real world will one day smack me in the face. Meanwhile I am 31 years old and have been on my own for quite sometime.
I want respect from them, not sure how to get it. I feel like I have earned respect by always respecting them in their homes. But I am also tired of their rude comments, unwanted opinions, ad being the scapegoat. I want to know how to change this... today. What should I do? I want to try fixing things before I just cut them out. I want to have a happy thanksgiving, drama free, negative opinion free. What can I do? I really need help and guidance.
I actually think my sister sees where I come from and is more on my side but she's the type of person that will turn on you like a bad dog. It's happened before so I don't look to her to defend me.
I feel like my family doesn't respect me because I don't work hard, at least, in their eyes. I started thinking about this and how much it bothered me now that I'm in therapy. It's something that upsets me and something I don't want to wait a second longer to change.
My parents always instilled the importance of work, but as a teen I never held down any jobs. I was too busy playing sports and chasing boys and was too busy running the roads to be anywhere too long. In college I spent four years in a different city and never worked because I was busy with studying and my social life. Lived off my scholarship and loan money. Got a job a few weeks before graduating, my second job. The first was my sophomore year of college but I walked out after three days because I realized cashiering wasn't for me. Plus, like I said, busy with school.
These days I have my CPA and work part time like crazy during tax season helping a friend at one of her offices. But during the year I don't work a normal 30 to 40 hour week. I do wedding planning and it's work I honestly enjoy doing because it's flexible. I only assist two weddings at a time so when I'm not doing that I like sleeping late and doing hobbies I enjoy. I have no debt and I stay active.
According to my parents and other family members, I don't work hard and never have. They think I have never worked hard and that I am a bit lazy. It's true... and the older I get, the lazier I get! I justdo as little as I have to. However, they don't respect me. My parents don't, my grandparents, and my brother and sister. I love them dearly but it's like I am never allowed to have an opinion on anything. My parents still treat me like a child, even in my own home! I dont want to cut them out of my life. I have been reading that thread thats a bit below mine, the toxic person thread and I like the retrain idea! I want to do it. I really want to change how they respond to me. But I worry about how I can do it. I try not to be a pushover but when I have tried standing up for myself in the past it has only made things worse.
It's funny because my parents think what makes a true adult is not an age but when that person is self supporting and has a job. I have both yet they think I am lazy, don't know real work and that the real world will one day smack me in the face. Meanwhile I am 31 years old and have been on my own for quite sometime.
I want respect from them, not sure how to get it. I feel like I have earned respect by always respecting them in their homes. But I am also tired of their rude comments, unwanted opinions, ad being the scapegoat. I want to know how to change this... today. What should I do? I want to try fixing things before I just cut them out. I want to have a happy thanksgiving, drama free, negative opinion free. What can I do? I really need help and guidance.
Wow! Great OP - and I hope you get some good answers and options presented to you.
You say you are living on your own, supporting yourself, have your own home, like your work, are not in debt and that you stay active. Apparently, you also have made the effort to keep your difficult family in your life. I'd say that you sound pretty mature and self sufficient to me -or at least you have all the tools to be so.
It seems to me that you fall into the category of choosing a lifestyle that your parents don't approve of.
Before we go any further, I'm going to take your word for it - you are not relying on them for any support, or to bail you out of bad financial situations, are you? If so, then they have every right to expect you to work harder and be completely self sufficient at age 31 - but it sounds me as if you already are.
You say you are in therapy - that's good. Have you discussed this with your therapist? I agree that you need to establish healthy parameters with your parents, and that they need to treat you with respect. Do you treat them with respect? Do you treat them as one adult to the other? I think that is the first step.
I will never forget the look of complete shock (and then anger) on my mother's face when I told her, at about age 34, that "I am an adult, and you are an adult, and we need to relate to each other adult to adult, which means that we speak respectfully to each other. I am not your child - I am your daughter - there is a difference. We are both mature women, both mothers, both adults and we need to treat each other with mutual respect." She literally argued with me about that, INSISTING that I was her child and she was my mother and that was never going to change (and she didn't mean that in a warm fuzzy way either!). Most mothers, I think, would not be so blatantly weird about this, but the whole concept might be a really novel one to your parents.
Of course, this means that we can't act like children with them either! That's where your part comes in!
Parents can be very rigid in their ideas of what their children should "grow up to be." That's their problem - don't let them make it yours.
Maybe you should start small. Have you had this conversation with them at all? Have you told them that you feel as if they don't respect you? They may be absolutely shocked by this - they may just be in a rut of responses to you.
As for rude comments - well, I really don't know what you're considering rude, but if they're criticizing you, making fun of you, making derogatory remarks about your career choice (which is paying all your bills), etc then you need to tell them that this bothers you and that you are not going to listen to it any more. Then you need to tell them what the ramification will be if they start in with these comments again. Maybe you will remind them one time that they are starting up and need to stop. Tell them that they get one reminder - while this whole new style of interacting is being learned. Then tell them that if they continue, you are going to leave or ask them to leave. THIS DOES NOT MEAN BURSTING INTO TEARS AND STORMING OUT or yelling at them or arguing with them. It's more like, "Wow, Dad - I was really hoping to spend the day with you, but you're insisting on disrespecting my job/my life/my personality. We did have a discussion about this and you know I'm not going to put up with it, so I'm going to leave. Hate it came to this. Maybe we can do better next time. Bye!"
Keep your dignity about you.
There's a lot more to learn but this is a start! But don't take my word for it - ask your therapist about it.
You have your CPA, yet chose to do something more creative. You certainly aren't the first person to do that. Every time they interview a famous actor, actress, singer, etc. - it invariably comes up that their parents wanted them to do something more secure in the beginning. I have a friend that owns a well-established business and makes a fantastic living - but he had to fend off his parents, who wanted him to be a lawyer like dad. You are supporting yourself with something you enjoy. Sounds like the very definition of success. The only thing I would add is to work hard enough to build a good-sized safety cushion. Add to it a little at a time. Enjoy yourself. It is your life, in the end - not theirs.
Sounds like your parents are the ones w the problem. Hard to change that. Don't let them guilt you about your life. You sound like a high functioning and happy human being!
Well, I can understand wanting respect from those you love -- but sometimes, those people simply are not capable of respecting a situation that is very different from what they have grown up thinking is "responsible" and "productve". Respect is bought at the price of losing a little piece of your soul.
What happens if they don't respect you? Your opinions are dismissed? Oh, well. Stop giving your opinions. People pretty much do what they want to do, anyway, and only solicit opinions to reinforce their own opinions.
At 31, the next time they start berating you for your "failings", just let them finish and say, "Are you finished? OK, good, because I've gotta tell you, it's getting old. I'm debt free, have money in the bank and have the great good fortune to actually enjoy my life. If that makes me a failure, I'll take failure over being constantly worn out, stressed and in debt any day. That's all I'm gonig to say, and I truly wish you would decide to drop the subject, too, because the only stress in my life is your constant hammering on something that is NOT a problem."
I wonder -- are you married or do you have any children? A lot of parents don't really give their child adult status until they, themselves, become parents. It's an odd dynamic, and not one you can do much about.
Meanwhile, it sounds like you have the privilege of living your life on your own terms. Good for you!
It's funny because my parents think what makes a true adult is not an age but when that person is self supporting and has a job. I have both yet they think I am lazy, don't know real work and that the real world will one day smack me in the face. Meanwhile I am 31 years old and have been on my own for quite sometime.
"Mom, Dad, am I asking you to support me? Why, no. No, I'm not. I'm 31 years old. When I want your opinion on my career, I'll ask for it. See you at Thanksgiving."
Quote:
Originally Posted by dblackga
At 31, the next time they start berating you for your "failings", just let them finish and say, "Are you finished? OK, good, because I've gotta tell you, it's getting old. I'm debt free, have money in the bank and have the great good fortune to actually enjoy my life. If that makes me a failure, I'll take failure over being constantly worn out, stressed and in debt any day. That's all I'm gonig to say, and I truly wish you would decide to drop the subject, too, because the only stress in my life is your constant hammering on something that is NOT a problem."
I wouldn't even do that much. She doesn't have to justify anything to them. They need to keep their yaps shut, end of story.
If you're happy and supporting yourself, what's the problem? Hard work? What's that? Is that factory work? Menial labor? Cleaning houses and offices? I'm not sure all that "hard work" gets you happyness and lets you live in a decent manner. It's an individuals's choice what one wants to do with their life. Do what makes you happy, OP, you only have one chance at this life.
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Seems like you're just skirting by at bare minimum, with least bit of effort possible, sounds kinda slackerish to me. I wouldn't want some piddly here&there job unless the pay was exquisite, like $19hr, a job where I can get a months worth groceries, bills paid, and still have petty cash, which is why I stopped doing catering. Work gets in the way, but its aa means to an end.
It doesn't seem to me that there's a problem here. You support yourself, work when you have to, do something you ENJOY, and live a rich life in the meantime. It sounds to me like they're all jealous. Don't pay attention to anything and don't feel bad for not wanting the hard grind life and job. It's not for everybody and it shouldn't be.
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