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Hi all. I'm a long-time CD forum user, but due to the sensitive nature of the subject matter, I opted to create a new user name for this discussion. Long story short: hubby and I have been together since we were teens, almost 30 years. MIL and I have never seen eye-to-eye, but we keep our relationship mostly civil. A discussion occurred yesterday that I feel needs addressing, mostly so I can let it go and not dwell, let it fester, taint future family gatherings/interactions, etc.
MIL periodically will bring cooked food over to us. Hubby always says thank you, food gets eaten, dishes get returned, rinse and repeat. In the normal course of discussion yesterday, it was revealed that my hubby and I don't cook anymore. Our children are older teens, largely independent, often not home for weeknight dinners, so we've opted to abandon this practice that we both hate and seems a colossal waste of time. This is a concept she clearly has a problem with, and she made her disapproval known. I brought up the idea of it being okay to agree to disagree, everyone can be different and the world still be okay, etc. Discussion continued, her mind remained unchanged, topic progressed to something else, subject over.
MIL's usual course of behavior after something like this (regardless of whether the issues are big/impactful or small/petty like this one) is to re-address the issue privately to the siblings (never the in-laws), always in an email, to reassert her position on the subject, re-express her disapproval, and seek to convince the sibs that she is right and they/their respective spouses should change to conform to her view of the world.
The M.O. over the years among the siblings and sibs-in-law has been to roll our eyes privately and chalk it up to "that's just Mom." Unfortunately, this enabling behavior and unwillingness to challenge her has bled into other issues. We all believe this needs to stop but so far no one has been willing to put their neck on the chopping block and be the first to put it out there.
I'd like to send her this email:
Some of my comments yesterday seemed to upset you, and that was not my intent. I am genuinely sorry.
One of the things I like best about get-togethers with family is the opportunity to see and talk about the differences each family unit has in how they live their daily lives. We may not always understand those differences or agree with them, but I'm sure you agree that when each unit finds what works for them, what creates harmony, and what fosters the growth of their relationships, it is a very good thing.
Please know that we appreciate when you cook for us, as that simple gesture demonstrates your love for our family. I do not take this gesture lightly, as I understand it is a gift of your time--a non-renewable, finite resource that must be cherished and spent even more reverently than money. There is always something we can do to bring in more money, but once a minute on the clock has passed, it is gone forever. Gifts of one's time are the most heartfelt, the most genuine and pure, and I am very grateful for what you've given us. Thank you.
I have learned over the years, as I'm sure you have too, what I like and -- perhaps more importantly -- what I don't like. I don't enjoy cooking. (HUBBY) doesn't enjoy it, either. As a couple, we struggled with this for many years and experimented with different solutions. Ultimately, we decided that no matter what we tried, the bottom line was that cooking is just not an activity that brings either one of us happiness. Instead, it is an activity that creates daily stress and strife.
Recently, we decided we would stop spending time on activities we don't enjoy, choosing instead to focus on those activities that make us happy. Both of us work hard and have a very limited number of hours each day in which to rest, recharge, manage our household, and interact with each other and with the boys. (HUBBY) and I made the decision -- together -- not to cook because we want to spend these precious free hours engaged in activities that make us happy -- as individuals, as a couple, and as a family. This decision has been one of the greatest gifts we've given to each other and to our kids. I'm sure you and (HER HUBBY) have made similar choices, choices that the rest of us may not understand or agree with, but I know we would recognize their importance to you and respect them. I hope you can do the same for ours.
Before I send this, I would have hubby read it and revise as he sees fit. What do you think? Should I assert myself and hit the SEND button on this, or stuff it down with the rest of the crap we've been dealing with from her over the years?
I personally would not send it because it is only playing her game.
To me, it is a very nicely written email, but it will do absolutely no good. If you're truly sick of her "ways," you will flip the script and address it right then and there, when she starts pursing her lips and "expressing her disapproval."
Don't agree to disagree. TELL HER, at the table or in the kitchen or in the den, what you wrote in the email. If she persists, then say, "You live your life, and we live our life. It doesn't make us bad people. It's not our fault that you don't like it."
I guess I just know from experience that, while sending that email might make you feel better for about an hour, it will not solve the problem and it will probably only create MORE passive-aggressive drama down the line that you cannot control anyway.
I like the tone of the email, but what I might do is take out a good bit of the "explaining" your position. You don't have to defend yourself, you already explained. You know her best, but if it were me (and it has been in a similar situation) instead of adding more to the convo, I'd work harder at the "nip it in the bud" aspect.
Also, you know best, but the issue at hand seems like something to let die. If it were a HUGE deal...thats one thing. But this seems rather minor.
When I told my in-laws I stopped working for the time being (to care for my kids of all things *gasp*) they tried to give me a hard time about it. I gave them enough explanation as I wanted to (which wasn't more then a couple of sentences). Then I got up to get more beverages, coming back with a new topic. Redirected every time they tried.
Did they mention it to my husband? Yep. He is a big boy, he supports me (and helped me decide). Do they ***** to other family? Perhaps. Got to let things go sometimes when it comes to family.
I agree that much less explaining is in order and I would definitely take out the two parts in red....obviously she doesn't agree (and probably hasn't done what you say she has) so IMO reading something like that when you don't agree only makes for more bad blood with someone like her.
Why don't you redo the letter, make it short and sweet and repost it for comments?
Quote:
Originally Posted by BleedItOut
Some of my comments yesterday seemed to upset you, and that was not my intent. I am genuinely sorry.
One of the things I like best about get-togethers with family is the opportunity to see and talk about the differences each family unit has in how they live their daily lives. We may not always understand those differences or agree with them, but I'm sure you agree that when each unit finds what works for them, what creates harmony, and what fosters the growth of their relationships, it is a very good thing.
Please know that we appreciate when you cook for us, as that simple gesture demonstrates your love for our family. I do not take this gesture lightly, as I understand it is a gift of your time--a non-renewable, finite resource that must be cherished and spent even more reverently than money. There is always something we can do to bring in more money, but once a minute on the clock has passed, it is gone forever. Gifts of one's time are the most heartfelt, the most genuine and pure, and I am very grateful for what you've given us. Thank you.
I have learned over the years, as I'm sure you have too, what I like and -- perhaps more importantly -- what I don't like. I don't enjoy cooking. (HUBBY) doesn't enjoy it, either. As a couple, we struggled with this for many years and experimented with different solutions. Ultimately, we decided that no matter what we tried, the bottom line was that cooking is just not an activity that brings either one of us happiness. Instead, it is an activity that creates daily stress and strife.
Recently, we decided we would stop spending time on activities we don't enjoy, choosing instead to focus on those activities that make us happy. Both of us work hard and have a very limited number of hours each day in which to rest, recharge, manage our household, and interact with each other and with the boys. (HUBBY) and I made the decision -- together -- not to cook because we want to spend these precious free hours engaged in activities that make us happy -- as individuals, as a couple, and as a family. This decision has been one of the greatest gifts we've given to each other and to our kids. I'm sure you and (HER HUBBY) have made similar choices, choices that the rest of us may not understand or agree with, but I know we would recognize their importance to you and respect them. I hope you can do the same for ours.
what's the point? You're not going too change her. It'll probably create more animosity and trying (successfully or not) to turn the others against you. You'd be the only one challenging her.
I'd personally let it go. She is the way she wants to be.
I read something once about acting as opposed to reacting. I didn't understand it then but maybe this is such a case.
I wouldn't waste my time. You don't need to justify or explain your lifestyle to your MIL. All sending that will do is give her another thing to talk to the other siblings about. Heck, she'll probably forward it to them with her snitty comments attached. Or she'll complain about it to them and twist your words, exaggerate, etc., and then when they ask her to see it, say, "Oh, I accidentally deleted it." That's what people like her do.
She would stop these little games of hers if everyone else decided to just ignore her when she does it by email and change the subject when she does it in person.
It's a nice email but seems a bit long because you're being ever-so-careful not to upset her! You've been married 30 years and this will do nothing. From your post I thought you were more upset about her going to the siblings, yet this email only talks about the case at hand of cooking. It's your husband's job to deal with his mother - I'd not waste another moment on it. Not really sure of the relevance of the food she brings over, why even bother eating it? Pitch it - she'd never know!
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