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Sometimes you have to step in with a parent when they are clearly abusing a child too.
My husband is great at stepping in - it's one of his qualities (fearlessness and a sense of moral justice) that I love.
A few years ago he was at the drug store, looking for a card, and there was a father and son in the card section as well. The boy was about five. He picked up a card (gently, not destructively) and tugged his dad's shirt and said, "Hey, what about this one?" The dad cuffed the boy on the side of the head - not hard, but not gently either - and said, "I TOLD you not to touch anything!" The little boy's eyes welled with tears. My husband was on high alert at this point. A few minutes later, the little boy pointed at a card and said, "I like this one," at which point the dad CUFFED HIM AGAIN and said, "BE QUIET, YOU LITTLE SOB." THAT WAS IT. My husband stalked over there and got right up in the dad's face and said, "If I see you touch that boy again, I am going to take YOU out in the parking lot and hit YOU in the head and I'll be out of jail before you're out of the hospital!"
The dad actually came up to my husband in the store a few minutes later and said, "Hey, man, I'm sorry - I was out of line. His mom's sick and I'm stressed out, but I shouldn't have done that."
And he's right - he shouldn't have. My husband heard the little boy call the guy by his first name as they left, so on top of it all, it was a step parent/step son situation, or a boyfriend rather than the little boy's dad. Very sad.
The thing about it is, that just like the mom in the OP's story, the guy had an "excuse," but you know that even if it's true, there's some very ineffective "parenting" going on there - and not just at the moment.
My husband was blue about that little kid's situation for days afterward. He kept telling me, "That little boy doesn't have much of a chance with that guy in his life."
I'm trying to think of an occasion that my meal was interrupted by screaming kids. Has to be old age because I can't. But then I only go out to eat maybe once a week and we ourselves are pretty jovial -lol!
I do see it at grocery stores, but the moms usually look so bedraggled that what can you do? Now at a clothing store - can be annoying.
I remember one scene that made my head spin. Two young moms with their kids. Moms about 19 years of age, kids maybe 3. They are standing in front of a frozen food fridge and one mom is telling the kid '"Hurry up and pick out what you want to eat!"
OP no need a long story just imagine why we call them kids? I think reading this might be help you!! Instead of criticizing just try to enjoy looking at what kids do. there is a limit kid can take as well do. Also there is a limit parent's can teach them too. Being irritated is part of you and if you need exactly as you want you should hire a high class restaurant where no kids allowed but adults only. Just imagine instead of a kid if that was a male stripper would not you guys enjoy the show?
Ten Ways We Misunderstand Children by Jan Hunt
1. We expect children to be able to do things before they are ready.
We ask an infant to keep quiet. We ask a 2-year-old to sit still. We ask a 3-year-old to clean his room. In all of these situations, we are being unrealistic. We are setting ourselves up for disappointment and setting up the child for repeated failures to please us. Yet many parents ask their young children to do things that even an older child would find difficult. In short, we ask children to stop acting their age.
2. We become angry when a child fails to meet our needs.
A child can only do what he can do. If a child cannot do something we ask, it is unfair and unrealistic to expect or demand more, and anger only makes things worse. A 2-year-old can only act like a 2-year-old, a 5-year-old cannot act like a 10-year-old, and a 10-year-old cannot act like an adult. To expect more is unrealistic and unhelpful. There are limits to what a child can manage, and if we don't accept those limits, it can only result in frustration on both sides.
3. We mistrust the child's motives.
If a child cannot meet our needs, we assume that he is being defiant, instead of looking closely at the situation from the child's point of view, so we can determine the truth of the matter. In reality, a "defiant" child may be ill, tired, hungry, in pain, responding to an emotional or physical hurt, or struggling with a hidden cause such as food allergy. Yet we seem to overlook these possibilities in favor of thinking the worst about the child's "personality".
4. We don't allow children to be children.
We somehow forget what it was like to be a child ourselves, and expect the child to act like an adult instead of acting his age. A healthy child will be rambunctious, noisy, emotionally expressive, and will have a short attention span. All of these "problems" are not problems at all, but are in fact normal qualities of a normal child. Rather, it is our society and our society's expectations of perfect behavior that are abnormal.
5. We get it backwards.
We expect, and demand, that the child meet our needs - for quiet, for uninterrupted sleep, for obedience to our wishes, and so on. Instead of accepting our parental role to meet the child's needs, we expect the child to care for ours. We can become so focused on our own unmet needs and frustrations that we forget this is a child, who has needs of his own.
6. We blame and criticize when a child makes a mistake.
Children have had very little experience in life, and they will inevitably make mistakes. Mistakes are a natural part of learning at any age. Instead of understanding and helping the child, we blame him, as though he should be able to learn everything perfectly the first time. To err is human; to err in childhood is human and unavoidable. Yet we react to each mistake, infraction of a rule, or misbehavior with surprise and disappointment. It makes no sense to understand that a child will make mistakes, and then to react as though we think the child should behave perfectly at all times.
7. We forget how deeply blame and criticism can hurt a child.
Many parents are coming to understand that physically hurting a child is wrong and harmful, yet many of us forget how painful angry words, insults, and blame can be to a child who can only believe that he is at fault.
8. We forget how healing loving actions can be.
We fall into vicious cycles of blame and misbehavior, instead of stopping to give the child love, reassurance, self-esteem, and security with hugs and kind words.
9. We forget that our behavior provides the most potent lessons to the child.
It is truly "not what we say but what we do" that the child takes to heart. A parent who hits a child for hitting, telling him that hitting is wrong, is in fact teaching that hitting is right, at least for those in power. It is the parent who responds to problems with peaceful solutions who is teaching his child how to be a peaceful adult. So-called problems present our best opportunity for teaching values, because children learn best when they are learning about real things in real life.
10. We see only the outward behavior, not the love and good intentions inside the child.
When a child's behavior disappoints us, we should, more than anything else we do, "assume the best". We should always assume that the child means well and is behaving as well as possible considering all the circumstances (whether obvious or unknown to us), together with his level of experience in life. If we always assume the best about our child, the child will be free to do his best. If we give only love, love is all we will receive.
It's funny how these demon-kids-in-restaurant threads always end up the same.
I think it's hard to quantify because everyone has a different annoyance threshold. I've seen patrons roll their eyes at the mere presence of a child, before they even know how they're going to behave.
I used to sit down with our child when she was three or so and immediately order ice cream. Worked every time. Not all will approve of that I'm sure, but it was her special treat and she would be a happy camper from then on.
I remember being stressed making sure she was not annoying anyone in a small restaurant in Manhattan once because we we practically sitting on other people's laps, when the couple across from us started getting it on in a quite startling manner - up to the point where she literally sat in his lap (the girl half, not my three year old). I figured after that no one would notice us, so I relaxed.
Maybe parents should plant a distraction everywhere they go, take the heat off them.
and this is why the Mr. and I avoid "family-style" restaurants like the plague. Going out to dinner is an adult activity, and we want to be surrounded by other adults.
For you this is true. For me, going out to dinner is a family activity. Since my kids are well behaved in restaurants now we take them pretty much anywhere besides the most upscale places. I'll have my kids wave to you whilst eating sushi with their chop sticks.
It's funny how these demon-kids-in-restaurant threads always end up the same.
I think it's hard to quantify because everyone has a different annoyance threshold. I've seen patrons roll their eyes at the mere presence of a child, before they even know how they're going to behave.
I used to sit down with our child when she was three or so and immediately order ice cream. Worked every time. Not all will approve of that I'm sure, but it was her special treat and she would be a happy camper from then on.
I remember being stressed making sure she was not annoying anyone in a small restaurant in Manhattan once because we we practically sitting on other people's laps, when the couple across from us started getting it on in a quite startling manner - up to the point where she literally sat in his lap (the girl half, not my three year old). I figured after that no one would notice us, so I relaxed.
Maybe parents should plant a distraction everywhere they go, take the heat off them.
Most of my experience's with kids being kids and noisy, crying etc the parents had their food wrapped to go.
I expect to encounter this at the chains, Cracker Barrel , any fast food place but if I were dining in an upscale place where imo kids don't belong and parents didn't address it I too would be annoyed.
For you this is true. For me, going out to dinner is a family activity. Since my kids are well behaved in restaurants now we take them pretty much anywhere besides the most upscale places. I'll have my kids wave to you whilst eating sushi with their chop sticks.
Like yours, my kids were well behaved in restaurants and we took them with us most of the time. They learned very early on how to behave.
Just recently my husband and I took four of our grandkids out to eat at a very upscale restaurant. They were 10,8, 6, and 4 at the time. We had them dress to the nines and we taught them how to fold their napkins in their lap, eat with the salad fork first, etc. It was a lot of fun for all of us and they were in awe of the setting and ambiance! But they loved it and were on their best behavior! We were so proud of them!
Kids can be taught very early on to behave. Even rambunctious ones. Of course, if you have a child who is consistently a problem in restaurants, then don't impose them on others, is how I see it.
Like yours, my kids were well behaved in restaurants and we took them with us most of the time. They learned very early on how to behave.
Just recently my husband and I took four of our grandkids out to eat at a very upscale restaurant. They were 10,8, 6, and 4 at the time. We had them dress to the nines and we taught them how to fold their napkins in their lap, eat with the salad fork first, etc. It was a lot of fun for all of us and they were in awe of the setting and ambiance! But they loved it and were on their best behavior! We were so proud of them!
Kids can be taught very early on to behave. Even rambunctious ones. Of course, if you have a child who is consistently a problem in restaurants, then don't impose them on others, is how I see it.
Lastly, I was in Salzburg, Austria a few years ago and at the table behind us were other Americans, a couple with a maybe 8 year old girl, and about a 5 year old boy. The children sat still, had self control, good table manners and joined the conversation around the table as they were capable which was much more than I would expect given their ages. They were a joy to see and have as fellow patrons.
This made me think of the year I lived in Mexico. Children in Mexico are taken everywhere, even late into the night to festivals, etc., and they are always well behaved. I once encountered an out-of-control kid at a restaurant in Mexico - once. And when I lived in Mexico, I ate out regularly. I remember that I had an epiphany when I encountered that wild child, and realized that you never see kids misbehaving in Mexico. And the kids are obviously well-loved and taken most places with their family, including babies. There, the kids behaved, and if a baby started crying loudly, it was taken somewhere else.
Hadn't thought of that for a long time. Good reminder. I really enjoyed your post.
Last edited by Jaded; 12-11-2014 at 12:04 AM..
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