U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Closed Thread Start New Thread
 
Old 12-08-2014, 10:27 AM
 
9,228 posts, read 18,950,277 times
Reputation: 22160

Advertisements

I just had to post this, as I'm sorting it out in my head. I tend to be a very introspective person, and I examine and analyze my opinions and actions, to be sure I totally understand my motivation behind them.

Anyway, I NEVER engage in facebook drama, and I pretty much mock it, or get disgusted by it. I never understood why people publicly air their grievances with other people online, or otherwise express their private feelings publicly, especially when very upset. But yesterday, I had this happen, and my personal reaction shocked me. I wonder if any other drama-avoiders have had this happen.

My sister posted a picture on facebook, and I made a snarky joking comment under it. Now, I need to include here the fact that 90% of my relationship between my sister and me involves us making snarky comments in a joking way. We're like those two old guys on the Muppets who sit in the balcony making fun of everything. Whether we are together in person or in a facebook discussion, we are cracking jokes and being sarcastic. So a little while later, I noticed that my comment under her picture was gone, I figured I didn't post it correctly and it wasn't showing up, so I re-posted it.

She then called me on the phone yelling "stop posting that!!!" I was shocked and asked why. She went on about how she had "tagged" other people in that picture, and they would be offended by what I said. I responded that #1 she and I already both discussed the issue I posted about, and her opinion was the same as mine, #2 she is probably the most outspoken person that all her friends know, and her attitude is to express herself and "not care what people think" so anyone who knows her would consider my comments tame compared with what she says every day, and #3 what I posted was not directed at any people she may have tagged (I don't know them). She was all angry and said that since she had "tagged" these people, my comments would now show up on their timeline, and they and their friends would be offended. I said that I didn't see what the big deal was, that I made a comment on HER picture, and if she set something up (this "tagging" business) that causes my comments to show up in the timelines of people who don't even know me, that was her decision. She kept yelling "Just stop it! It's rude!" Again, I was trying to understand her side and asking her "Socratic" questions as to how she arrived at this opinion, but she just wasn't getting it. She posts things that could be considered "rude" every day and laughs about it, and my comment wasn't even rude. It was just the kind of joke we always crack between ourselves. So she hung up on me like any mature 42 year old would.

I tend to not be a very emotional person, but after this phone call, I felt actual intense anger (I hesitate to call it "rage" as that sounds so dramatic). I actually felt the urge to post something on her timeline that actually WAS offensive, or to post something in my own status about "people" who just change their opinion on things out of the blue, or "people" who live on drama. Of course I didn't post anything, as that would violate my personal rules of decorum, and because I actually have impulse control. But the fact that this stupid interaction made me FEEL that way really unsettled me.

Has anyone else (sane, anti-drama people) had this happen to them? I'm really trying to analyze how this feeling came about, because it's so "not-me." I really think that this never would have happened in real life, so what is it about the facebook setting that caused it to happen? In general my sister does seem to have a lot of "rules" for getting along with her, but I'm well aware of those, and to me, this post I made did not violate any such "rules" of our normal relationship.

Any insights are appreciated, or similar stories.

(Please don't jump in with "just stop using facebook." That's been posted to death. If you jump in with something like "this is another reason I hate facebook," then please at least share what you think it is about facebook that caused this to happen, when it would not have happened in any other forum.)

 
Old 12-08-2014, 10:37 AM
 
7,311 posts, read 4,957,934 times
Reputation: 6337
What was the picture of and what exactly did you say?
 
Old 12-08-2014, 10:56 AM
 
9,228 posts, read 18,950,277 times
Reputation: 22160
She posted pictures of my niece's cheerleading competition, and had evidently "tagged" a bunch of other cheerleading moms. My comment was about the weird hairdo the girls have to wear for every competition with a big lump on the top of their heads. It makes it look like they have weird tumors on top of their heads. She and I had just talked about the hairdos and she totally agreed with me, that the style was horrible, and that all the other moms hate it too, but the coach had insisted on it. My sister said that she and those other mothers had even told the coach that it was silly looking and they hated it. We had just joked on Thanksgiving that the bumps look like tumors.

All I posted was "A great team of beautiful girls with really unfortunate hairdos. How many competitions do they have to win before they can stop wearing those ridiculous lumps on their heads that look like tumors?"

See? Stupid, silly, and unimportant, but she freaked.

My point was that #1) all the other moms she supposedly "tagged" agreed with what I said, and #2) she had already expressed an identical opinion to them and the coach, so why is it a big deal when someone (me) who they don't even know makes the same comment?

I don't get this "tagging" business anyway. I had thought you tag people in a picture who are actually in the picture. She apparently tags people to make her picture show up on their timeline. I wondered why she didn't just post it on each of their timelines? That way any comments would be just people who are friends with both my sister and these other women, and I never would have gotten the picture. Or if she just posted it to her own timeline, then my comments would still be there, but not on other people's timelines. Anyway, I didn't get it, but she kept making a big deal about this tagging thing that I "should have known" about.
 
Old 12-08-2014, 11:11 AM
 
10,818 posts, read 8,069,111 times
Reputation: 17029
Quote:
Originally Posted by TracySam View Post
I don't get this "tagging" business anyway. I had thought you tag people in a picture who are actually in the picture. She apparently tags people to make her picture show up on their timeline. I wondered why she didn't just post it on each of their timelines? That way any comments would be just people who are friends with both my sister and these other women, and I never would have gotten the picture. Or if she just posted it to her own timeline, then my comments would still be there, but not on other people's timelines. Anyway, I didn't get it, but she kept making a big deal about this tagging thing that I "should have known" about.
Your sister's understanding of how FB tagging works is correct. The tagging function makes the picture show up on other people's timeline.
Most people use if for that purpose because it's quicker and easier than doing multiple shares or a bunch of individual posts to individual timelines. Also all the comments from the tagged people will show up on the same stream, which many people prefer because they enjoy the (usually friendly) conversation about the pic.

Whether on purpose or not, private or not, it's mean-spirited to make demeaning comments about children.
 
Old 12-08-2014, 11:17 AM
 
17,002 posts, read 20,690,362 times
Reputation: 33994
You both sound ridiculous for grown women in their 40s.

There are people in your age range who are dealing with serious issues, like elderly parents with health issues like Alzheimers, and you argue over this nonsense.
 
Old 12-08-2014, 11:17 AM
 
6,040 posts, read 4,439,805 times
Reputation: 16753
Quote:
Originally Posted by TracySam View Post
Anyway, I NEVER engage in facebook drama, and I pretty much mock it, or get disgusted by it. I never understood why people publicly air their grievances with other people online, or otherwise express their private feelings publicly, especially when very upset. But yesterday, I had this happen, and my personal reaction shocked me. I wonder if any other drama-avoiders have had this happen.

My sister posted a picture on facebook, and I made a snarky joking comment under it.
You don't see a possible big contradiction here?

I know you said don't comment with "don't use Facebook" but in this case I think it might be prudent to look a little deeper at how you think you use it and what it may engender down the line...plus read up on how Facebook works.
 
Old 12-08-2014, 11:22 AM
 
9,228 posts, read 18,950,277 times
Reputation: 22160
Biscuit,
Okay, but the tagging was her idea.

And my comment was in no way mean spirited towards the girls. It's want's mean spirited at all, but if any "meanness" was involved, it was toward the coach (someone I don't know.) So I am some unknown stranger commenting about some unknown coach who made a bunch of beautiful girls look like mutants. I don't know if the coach was tagged, but even if she were, why would my comment matter when my sister and the other moms had already said similar things? And I am an unknown person--if they did see my comments they would either decide they agree with me, or that if I'm "mean" that I'm some stranger, so who cares?

Like I said, if you don't know the relationship my sister and I have, the things we say might sound "mean spirited" to people who aren't snarky by nature. But a huge proportion of out interactions involves cracking snarky jokes. My niece and I even joked about the silly hairdos.
 
Old 12-08-2014, 11:24 AM
 
9,228 posts, read 18,950,277 times
Reputation: 22160
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
You both sound ridiculous for grown women in their 40s.

There are people in your age range who are dealing with serious issues, like elderly parents with health issues like Alzheimers, and you argue over this nonsense.
Agreed. I'm the first one to say it's ridiculous. She's the one who went into a tantrum about it. I would normally just roll my eyes. But after she hung up on me, I felt anger that seemed out of the range of normal annoyance. Like I said, I DID NOT post dramatic comments after this, but for the first time in my life, I actually felt what people must be feeling when they do that.

But I don't use facebook for serious issues. I deal with serious issues in real life.

And I wasn't arguing, I was questioning her reaction. she responding by arguing.
 
Old 12-08-2014, 11:27 AM
 
9,228 posts, read 18,950,277 times
Reputation: 22160
Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete View Post
You don't see a possible big contradiction here?

I know you said don't comment with "don't use Facebook" but in this case I think it might be prudent to look a little deeper at how you think you use it and what it may engender down the line...plus read up on how Facebook works.
Not sure how I contradicted myself. I was not commenting to create drama. Like I said, most of our relationship involves making snarky comments and it's never been a problem. She just recently had a post-discussion on her wall that I was involved in and it even included profanity. I'd be more concerned with people being offended by something like that, but she was fine with it.
 
Old 12-08-2014, 11:31 AM
 
10,818 posts, read 8,069,111 times
Reputation: 17029
Quote:
Originally Posted by TracySam View Post
Biscuit,
And my comment was in no way mean spirited towards the girls. It's want's mean spirited at all, but if any "meanness" was involved, it was toward the coach (someone I don't know.) So I am some unknown stranger commenting about some unknown coach who made a bunch of beautiful girls look like mutants. I don't know if the coach was tagged, but even if she were, why would my comment matter when my sister and the other moms had already said similar things? And I am an unknown person--if they did see my comments they would either decide they agree with me, or that if I'm "mean" that I'm some stranger, so who cares?

Like I said, if you don't know the relationship my sister and I have, the things we say might sound "mean spirited" to people who aren't snarky by nature. But a huge proportion of out interactions involves cracking snarky jokes. My niece and I even joked about the silly hairdos.
I believe you, and I understand how we all need someone with whom to privately snark about taboo topics like puppies and rainbows and babies.

Your sister's likely feeling embarrassed that such an exchange became public and she's blaming it on you - rightly so in HER opinion because she thought you must have known that others would see it.

If you really want to get past this, tell her you screwed up, you never would have posted it had you known others would see it, and now that you understand how tagging works it won't happen again.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Closed Thread

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 09:06 PM.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top