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You may have to give them more time. Sons are protective of their mothers and you did hurt their mother. I hope you have apologized to their mother and to them also.
Just keep what you are doing to keep the door open. It has only been 2 years.
that.
if they are close to their mother and demonstrative then the fastest way to get to them is through their mother. improve your relationship with her, become a friend, be giving, and be nice to her.
that.
if they are close to their mother and demonstrative then the fastest way to get to them is through their mother. improve your relationship with her, become a friend, be giving, and be nice to her.
I suspect I might be crushed if my spouse cheated on me and my sons still had a close relationship with him. Earn their mother's forgiveness, and the rest may follow.
I don't have a good relationship with my father OR mother, and never will. My mother tries, constantly. I find it annoying.
The problem with them is that they don't ever feel they're wrong. They don't own up to the many [urine] poor decisions they made as parents - and there were a LOT of them. From silly things like taking me to see Terminator 2 in theaters yet when I turned 18 barring me from buying the DVD with my own money (it's like, really?) to other unmentionables that were a lot worse. Flat out telling me I'd be a failure in life notwithstanding.
For years I've waited to hear both of them just simply say, "you know, we just did stuff wrong, and you turned out alright in spite of the way you were treated." They'll never say it, and I've accepted that.
My feedback to you: Once you've screwed up a relationship with your kid, it's NOT easy to get back on track. The first step, as AA likes to say, is admitting you had a problem. Owning up to and acknowledging it is the first step. Making amends is the second, but you shouldn't expect to be forgiven right away, if at all. Sometimes all you can accept is doing your part.
Many sons are very protective of their mothers. It seems since you hurt their mother, they are protective of her, and you are viewed as the threat to her. They will be cautious.
Repair the relationship with their mother first.
(When my oldest son was 17, he was ready to go to fisticuffs with my DH to defend me when DH was verbally battering me. In DH's impaired condition, DS would have laid him out flat had it come to that...)
It may or may not be possible to mend the relationship with their mom. I would say make the effort but don't make it the crux of your efforts. Like others have said, this may take a long time - ESPECIALLY if "the other woman" is still in the picture.
That being said, I know families that have moved past this, even with the new love still in the picture, so I know it can happen. I also know it can take a long time.
Your marriage unraveled over a period of years. Reconciliation with your sons may take years too. But you can't change the past, and you can't know the future. All you can control is today - how you reach out to them today.
I made some very poor decisions when my kids were young, which resulted in a heart rending divorce and a series of panicky, poor decisions on my part. Honestly, I didn't get my head together well till I was in my late thirties and my kids were half or three fourths grown. That's a lot of hurt for a lot of years, even though I was doing what I thought was best the entire time and my intentions were right though the outcome was wrong.
Consequently, my relationship with my two young, very sensitive kids, who were too young to see the full picture of what I was dealing with, was strained, for many years. Like - TEN years. Now they are 30 and 26 and things are much improved, though they are still more "prickly" than the two who are more like me in nature and who seem to have a better grasp of everything that was going on. In other words, growing up in the same house, four different kids had four different takes on the situation, and two of them bonded CLOSER with me while two shut themselves off from me. It was very painful. All I can do now is be there for them and when they give me an "in" I talk with them. One of them has much improved and we're actively rebuilding our trust and relationship, and one is coming around and I have high hopes for our future relationship.
It takes a long time, and a lot of humble pie. I've had to admit some terrible decisions and take full responsibility for them. But by admitting them, it's opened the door for discussion - and more understanding. Plus, they're maturing and that helps too.
I don't think it's too late. I give you credit for making this a priority.
Besides the cheating, if you generally treated their mother horribly, well....how should I put this. I am not sure I could ever have a normal relationship with a father who, for example, verbally abused my mom. In fact, even if it were "just" cheating", it would take a lot for me to move past that. A lot. He'd basically have to prove that he is a completely different person and did a 180 degree change, morally. And he'd have to apologize to my mother for all the pain he caused her and me. Oh, and never try to justify it, I don't want to hear that the woman was too busy in her job or didn't make enough family dinners, leading him to stray.
I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but everyone is different. I also realize that many people on this forum would be able to move past better than I would. Again, everyone is different. Just thought I'd give you my take.
Time. You can't force yourself on them. they need time to deal and heal from the divorce. What you did to their family may hurt them forever. They may never get over it. You weren't there for them when they were growing up. It took you 30+ years to want to be with them? I wouldn't be rushing over to see you and be all buddy buddy with you either. To blame work for ditching your kids is a crappy, lame, pathetic excuse. You're forgetting all those years of you blowing them off for work or other women or whatever. They have not forgotten that. They may never forgive. You dug yourself a hole and it's not one that's easy to climb out of.
My father ditched me, too. He better never come out from under his rock and ask for a kidney because it will be a cold day in hell before he gets one. And no work is no excuse for ditching your kids. NOTHING is!
At 34 and 31 your sons just don't need you anymore in any way. The best thing you can achieve is to become some kind of friend, but while people sometimes forgive, they rarely forget, so judging from your description I don't think you will become close friends. There is a time for everything, but life moves on relentlessly and usually you don't get a second chance for doing the same thing you screwed up the first time around.
It is a bit similar to the relationship between my brother and me on the one hand and my father on the other. I am much older than your sons and I have forgiven my father the crap he did, but I have a good memory and never forget. He is basically like a stranger to me and always will be, I don't trust him even though he seems to have change somewhat. Frankly, I don't care because I know much better people now and simply don't need him. I talk to him twice a year over the phone, when we call each other up on our birthdays. The conversation lasts for like 3 minutes, then the small talk is over and he finally passes the phone to my mom, with whom I talk for another half hour or more.
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