Neighbors hate us for no reason. (holiday, business, money, wife)

[kevxu]

If the appearance of your property up to everyone else's and your conduct is not intrusive, then I wonder if he was referring to something that is more essential to your personal selves, i.e. you are a same-sex couple, you are a mixed race couple, you are both of a different race or ethnicity than your neighbour(s).....and so on.

Unless I missed it, none of these things were mentioned, but barring such a "concern" it seems thoroughly puzzling.

[Zeurich]

Some people born grumpy nothing much we can do about it.

[JerZ]

Okay, two disclaimers:

* I don't really know anything about your situation at all except from your several posts on the subject, so no, I am not saying these things definitely happened, just asking that you consider them, if you want to.

* I really, really don't want to come off as "blaming"...again, just saying that you may want to consider the following, and I say that as someone who (I believe...again, based on really relatively little info) has actually been on both sides of this coin.

So here goes.

1. Your neighbor brought in your garbage cans. The general consensus here seems to be that he must be OCD to do that. But I am wondering...how long were your cans left out? I mean if it was just between the morning the garbage was picked up and that evening, say, I would think it was a little bit jumping the gun for your neighbor to bring the cans in before that time. But was it overnight, a couple days, or what? Again...I'm asking because I *don't* know...but if it was, say, a couple/few days then I don't think that's OCD, and I do think emptied cans lying around in front of someone's house could be off-putting to neighbors. If you leave them for any length of time, then a. it IS kind of unsightly and b. that could actually be the "concern" part of your neighbor's statement - maybe he is wondering whether someone is sick in the household or disabled or something.

2. I agree that, even if you're not too keen on social interaction, you could have at least left a quick note in their mailbox..."We appreciate that you brought in our garbage cans! Thanks" or maybe a plate of cookies, or something. Anything at all. And then, *personally*, I'd just have made sure I got my cans in a bit earlier next time, just in case the neighbor was actually doing this "service" just to get some thanks (there ARE people who are needy in that way). *That* would bug me but again, I'd just make sure I got the cans in faster. Again...this is assuming he wasn't bringing them in, like, an hour after the waste collectors had been around or something ridiculous like that.

3. I know what it's like to not be very social. In fact, as an adult, my son's neuropsych diagnosed me off the books, so to speak, as having Asperger Syndrome (this was before it was taken off the DSM V in May...it was actually a couple of years ago). I had sat down with him to discuss my son, not myself - my son has classic/Kanner autism and intellectual delay. I was to do an intake interview on his behalf and the neurosych stopped me halfway through to ask me if I had ever been DXd with Asperger. Anyway, what I'm getting at is: I totally understand how it can be to not be comfortable socially. BUT I FORCE myself to interact in order to not have people misunderstand me. I do it for them, not for me, in other words. I started "teaching" myself how to speak with people (I mean literally, creating social stories in my head years before I'd ever even heard of a social story) at age 11. Today, at age 47, people can't believe that I am, most likely, on the autism spectrum. Why? Because I actively taught myself, step by step and interaction by interaction, over years and years, what people want in an interaction in order to know they have understood me - right down to facial gestures, tone of voice, placement of arms/legs/hands/feet, gestures and so on. Don't get me wrong. I would still 100% take sitting quietly with a book or doing research over going to a party. But if a neighbor did something nice for me, I would make myself find a way to say thank you. Your neighbor, rightly or wrongly, may have expected a thank you and never got one, and may have been hurt by that.

4. Some people have suggested that your neighbor's comment was passive-aggressive. I disagree. In fact, he seemed to be directly addressing the point - attempting to open a conversation directly regarding his concerns, whatever those might have been. YOU halted that (apparently - again, not enough info). Even with my degree of social disability, so to speak, I am mystified that you literally didn't even ask what he meant. I really am not able to visualize that scenario. He made that comment and then you walked away...? I just don't know what happened there.

5. Yes, it is possible that he said "we all" (I think that's what that post stated) as a fairly typical (of human beings. ) way of sort of spreading out the blame, so to speak. This is (I think) a really important point: he may have been just as uncomfortable as you broaching the subject, if there really is a problem. Have you ever had to do this? Confront someone? Think about how you'd feel. It's horrible, actually. Sometimes, it takes every ounce of guts a person has. So he may have been using "we" as a coverup/deflection/as "support" for his position, so to speak, or he may not have been. And on the other side of that coin, sure, he could just be a busybody. Again...not enough information for me to feel comfortable making a judgment on those possibilities.

Honestly, I absolutely would ask that one friend you mentioned if there's a problem...but I would also look at myself in this situation. Am I protecting my own comfort zone so much that I am being totally off-putting to my neighbors? Is it fair, really, for me to expect them to be good to me in an emergency, but to otherwise "leave me alone"? (These are people, not objects to be used. They have feelings.) Are my neighbors just a lonely older couple? Would it kill me to find a way to pop over for a chat, say, once a month, even if I had to grit my teeth and overcome every ounce of my social discomfort to do it? Does it ever really hurt to be nice? And of course, am I "a problem" in the neighborhood in some way? Am I actually keeping my garbage cans out too long and leaving them there, unsightly? When my dog got loose, did she dig in someone's yard? Poop in it? Did she bark? Should I be making the occasional rounds of my property and checking for issues such as that fence? (Most homeowners do.) I wouldn't go crazy and self-blame or try to conform to some Stepford ideal or anything...but I would want to make sure all my ducks were in a REASONABLE (not crazily OCD) row before pointing the finger at someone else as being a troublemaker.

Wow...that was a lot more than I intended to say. I guess I'm just trying to be explanatory, because I don't want to make you feel worse than you already do. I mean I do know it's terrible to think your neighbors don't like you...whether you ever want to be actively "social" with them or not. Home is supposed to be a haven. So I hope you take my post in the spirit in which it was intended, and I hope you can find yourself eventually more comfortable within your own neighborhood. Everyone should have that.

Hope you get this all worked out.

[sushiqueen]

You said it yourself when you apologized for not being more social - the neighbor then confirmed it by saying, yes they are all concerned about you - which was an offhand way of saying they have noticed you keep to yourselves, which probably stands out in a friendly neighborhood.

[ringwise]

Originally Posted by 2tall

Well basically I shook his hand, made sure he knew my name, then said "Sorry we haven't been more social, we have a baby on the way, so we're just wrapped up in ourselves."
And he sorta went "well.. to be honest we're all concerned about you guys." The way he said it is the way you'd tlak to someone you suspect buries bodies in the back yard.

I was gobsmacked and didn't really know how to reply or press fo rdetails.

We've had a dog get out ONCE. We got him within a few minutes. To be fair, everyone else has dogs that are in the street constantly.


I don't think there's a big age gap. We are probably the youngest, and no kids.

Maybe he meant that they know you are busy and have a baby on the way, and meant they're concerned in a good way?

Or, it could be the dog thing (that actually was my first thought). The neighbor behind us has dogs that get out all the time. I would find them in my yard, harassing my own dogs. I'd finally had enough, and chased the dog home and confronted the man in his yard. He insisted that he had "no idea" that his dogs were getting out. I gave him an earful, and the situation got better with him promising it would never happen again, but I still find those dogs in my yard on occasion. Once just the other day while he was in his yard talking on his cell. I confronted him again, and he was shocked that the dog was gone - he swore he'd been watching him.

[HighFlyingBird]

I think its oddly invasive for people to bring up your cans for you...although I still wish someone would bring up mine lol

[picklejuice]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCfvE03ufF8

[tamajane]

Originally Posted by 2tall

The level of relationship I want with neighbors is - they call the police if they see someone breaking into my house / or call 911 if my house is smoking. Outside of that.. I just don't want them causing problems for me.

Well then there is no problem here. I'm sure your neighbors would call the authorities in an emergency and since you don't care about them any more than that, his comment should not matter.

Truly you seem somewhat negative and paranoid about this and since you want to isolate yourself just keep doing what you are doing.

[theoldnorthstate]

Originally Posted by 2tall

Well basically I shook his hand, made sure he knew my name, then said "Sorry we haven't been more social, we have a baby on the way, so we're just wrapped up in ourselves."
And he sorta went "well.. to be honest we're all concerned about you guys." The way he said it is the way you'd tlak to someone you suspect buries bodies in the back yard.

I was gobsmacked and didn't really know how to reply or press fo rdetails.

We've had a dog get out ONCE. We got him within a few minutes. To be fair, everyone else has dogs that are in the street constantly.


I don't think there's a big age gap. We are probably the youngest, and no kids.

haven't read the rest of the thread but let me offer from what I have seen and you see if maybe something might help. Just two examples

New neighbors moved in young couple no children. Apparently stay at home wife.

I went over several times to say hello welcome to the neighborhood. They did not answer the door. They did not go to houses and introduce themselves. Or did not make any effort with me or the other neighboring people to say hi. They come they go and I did catch them outside separately and we said hi.

They were busy and wrapped up in their own lives.

They failed to read or comply with the HOA covenants and county ordinances about trash, yard waste, trash cans, etc. It took weeks of piled up yard waste before they complied with the rules and the county picked up the limbs and brush that had been cleared and heaped. Like it or not we all have to bundle the yard waste so that a man can put both hands around the bundle and throw it into the truck. Or the owner can call a company to haul it away.

Rules or doing what other people are doing are not important and observing and following the neighbors' lead is not important to me.

As opposed to the neighbors who moved in across the street. A young family. They introduced themselves to all neighbors the first day. Stopped what they were doing if someone came by. The husband came over and shook my hand and asked if he could park his truck in front of my house on the street until he had clean out his garage so he could put the truck in. I appreciated his consideration and manners. This family has been accepted by the neighborhood and since our neighborhood keeps a network going, this family is considered nice people. They were considerate and made the first move.

Just some food for thought.

[TexasTony]

Originally Posted by 2tall

We moved here a little over a year ago. Some neighbors introduced themselves at the time, and that's pretty much all the interaction we've had


Today I went over to another neighbor to offer to fix our mutual fence, and he basically said that the neighborhood is 'concerned about us.' That fits with the dirty looks we get now and then by people walking by.

As far as I know, we don't participate in any bad neighbor behavior. We never play music outside, we drive really slow and consciously of kids, we never have parties. our house is basically graveyard-quiet from the outside at all hours.

We don't perfectly work on our yard, but we don't let it get bad either.

I don't really understand the problem, or how to fix it.

are you a colored family moving into an all white neighborhood or viceversa? what state are you in?