Being harassed to visit family (member, dynamics, house, mother)
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Just don't respond. I feel the same way about much of the rest of my extended family and my brother doesn't want much to do with anybody. If he does it and ignores everybody's bellyaching, you probably can too.
LOL yeah that red button you can swipe that says ignore. One of the best inventions of this century.
The correct way to handle this sort of situation as an adult is to come up with a polite excuse. "I'm actually volunteering over the holiday," "I'm not sure my car will handle the drive," "I really can't leave my dog alone and I'm not up to a road trip with the dog," etc. Anything to imply that if you were able, you'd be there, but it's just not possible right now.
My sister only lives an hour and a half from me, but I avoid family gatherings at her house by saying my husband has to work or we don't trust our car to go that far. The reason I avoid her house is that it's full of cat hair. My parents live in the same city I do, but I haven't been to their house in a year. They come to see us instead, because I'm allergic to their cats and I have to take an allergy pill to even set foot in their house.
Five hours away is no quick road trip, really. And then there's the drive back too. That's actually nothing small to ask of someone. It takes some planning and gas money. Well, maybe next year anticipate their asking. Politely decline and settle into your comfortable Christmas plans this year. But tell them you'll get together soon. And will definitely come next year. That's just an idea. Maybe Skype them some hellos. If they Skype.
Wonder what made you be so honest if you could have easily said you'd be working.
Because I figured they wouldn't believe I work every day.
I was thinking of saying I can come some time later next time I talk to my aunt rather than her husband. I still don't want to go there at all, but maybe at a less stressful time of year it would be bearable.
I hate Christmas cause that's when I really get harassed the most about visiting. People can't Fathom someone wanting to relax by themselves at Christmas time.
I've given reps to most on this thread thank you ( I can't give rep comments with my browser just quick reputation).
Because I figured they wouldn't believe I work every day.
I was thinking of saying I can come some time later next time I talk to my aunt rather than her husband. I still don't want to go there at all, but maybe at a less stressful time of year it would be bearable.
I hate Christmas cause that's when I really get harassed the most about visiting. People can't Fathom someone wanting to relax by themselves at Christmas time.
I've given reps to most on this thread thank you ( I can't give rep comments with my browser just quick reputation).
Well..... we all want our families to treat us with the most basic respects. Sadly, we don't all get that.
Why don't you want anything to do with them? I think you want some sort of closure or peace. If you really wanted nothing to do with your family ever again, you just wouldn't take the call.
Yet you are sitting here mulling over going due to your own sense of guilt. No one else has made you feel guilty, you have decided that you don't want to go but also don't want to offend your relatives that you claim to not care about. This doesn't work.
You can't call yourself evil while also caring about their feelings. You have two options here: Either go, attempt to enjoy yourself, keep in touch with your family and continue the facade that you give a **** about them, or instead, tell them that you aren't interested in going, and tell them why.
If all you care about is the drive time, invite them to your place. When they inevitably say no, you'll realize that you've won, since you're no longer expected to go there either.
Regardless, feeling guilty about not going means that you regret this selfishness you claim to have. Why live with regret? There's nothing wrong about wanting to relax on Christmas. You said so yourself.
Yet you are sitting here mulling over going due to your own sense of guilt. No one else has made you feel guilty, you have decided that you don't want to go but also don't want to offend your relatives that you claim to not care about. This doesn't work.
You can't call yourself evil while also caring about their feelings. You have two options here: Either go, attempt to enjoy yourself, keep in touch with your family and continue the facade that you give a **** about them, or instead, tell them that you aren't interested in going, and tell them why.
If all you care about is the drive time, invite them to your place. When they inevitably say no, you'll realize that you've won, since you're no longer expected to go there either.
Regardless, feeling guilty about not going means that you regret this selfishness you claim to have. Why live with regret? There's nothing wrong about wanting to relax on Christmas. You said so yourself.
A friend of mine did that with her out of town relatives. She told them "This year, why don't you come to my house for Christmas dinner. I would love to have you visit." My friend was actually hoping that they would not say "Yes" and they did not. Her relatives said "We can not possibly drive four hours just for Christmas dinner!, It is way too far, It would be impossible." As soon as they finished saying "No" to her invitation, they said that my friend should come to their house (like she & her husband had done for years). My friend repeated back to them everything that they had just said to her. "Cousin Ann, I agree with you that four hours is just too far to drive for Christmas dinner. Thank you for understanding." And, my friend never felt obligated to visit them for Christmas dinner again.
Many people out there are depressed and very negative, especially this time of year. In some cases being with family can make things even worse, so stay away unless you really want to go. Consider counseling of some kind.
No one can "make" you feel guilty, it's your choice, and yours alone.
What you haven't figured out is how to communicate properly. If someone called me and wanted me to make a 10 hour round trip and I didn't feel like it I'd say "I'm sorry, I've been working hard and am feeling very tired and really need some rest to recharge for work next week" or something to that nature. Whatever happens after that is their problem, not yours.
You could begin starting to tell people you "really like spending time alone and you truly hope they will understand that it's not them, it's just that you're an introvert and you need down time".
Once you've told them, it's their problem if they keep asking, not yours.
End. Of. Story.
No suicide threats, or stories of evilness required.
No one can "make" you feel guilty, it's your choice, and yours alone.
What you haven't figured out is how to communicate properly. If someone called me and wanted me to make a 10 hour round trip and I didn't feel like it I'd say "I'm sorry, I've been working hard and am feeling very tired and really need some rest to recharge for work next week" or something to that nature. Whatever happens after that is their problem, not yours.
You could begin starting to tell people you "really like spending time alone and you truly hope they will understand that it's not them, it's just that you're an introvert and you need down time".
Once you've told them, it's their problem if they keep asking, not yours.
End. Of. Story.
No suicide threats, or stories of evilness required.
Thank you for this post. I will try that.
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