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Oh since you took foster parent classes...clearly you are an expert.
You are saying 2 different things. One is dont be compassionate, the other is don't try an intervention and force them to change.
People change through the process of compassion, validation, mirroring, encouraging, help seeing a way out. Calling them names, or "tough love" is reinforcing how they feel about themselves. And I took more then foster parent classes to come up with my theory.
OP...take what help. Leave the rest. I "chose" to be homeless because the only home I had I was being abused in. I don't know if there is abuse in your situation, but...it doesn't sound like a very good environment for your own personal growth.
Baby steps. Have you thought of a therapist? Don't tell me it costs too much, there are many options for cheep to free care. I wonder if some depression is at play. People often feel unable to make moves whn depressed.
Best of luck
Never claimed to be an "expert"....Just had lots of experience with people whose wallowing tends to keep them in the same place....
No, I definitely DON"T recommend an intervention in fact I stated that they rarely work!!
I also contend that no amount of validating or hand holding motivates change, only SHE can do that once SHE decides enough is enough (like you did)...Only then will she take the steps to make a change in her life.....
You aren't helping, you are just derailing a helpful thread. You don't seem to get it, at all. Using everything against this person asking for help. Are they perfect? No...no one is. Be nice, take out your aggression on inanimate objects, not people
Exactly. And Paka should stop SHOUTING every other WORD too.
Never claimed to be an "expert"....Just had lots of experience with people whose wallowing tends to keep them in the same place....
No, I definitely DON"T recommend an intervention in fact I stated that they rarely work!!
I also contend that no amount of validating or hand holding motivates change, only SHE can do that once SHE decides enough is enough (like you did)...Only then will she take the steps to make a change in her life.....
I think everyone's pretty much telling her the the same thing. They're just going about it a different way. From my perspective, shame and guilt are not the ways to help someone motivate to make some positive changes in their life.
I think you do live in at least a mildly toxic environment. Anytime your parents are trying to get you to live with them and discourage you from moving forward on your own, it is toxic. Maybe not "abuse level" toxic but it is not helping you grow as a person. What will you do when they aren't around anymore?
I don't know if this is common in general but it is common in my family. Every one of my dad's brothers and sisters has a kid who is sort of a "kept kid" in their house. I think it is because the parents just want to have a kid around to keep them company. They provide food and shelter but are VERY discouraging when it comes to striking out on their own. My dad made up all sorts of reasons why my brother was unfit for living on his own and "had" to live at home, otherwise "he'd end up in a group home." In reality my brother is very smart and perfectly normal aside from having super low self esteem from my dad telling him how hopeless he is all the time. But even in my dad's group of siblings, his youngest sister got this treatment from her parents. Luckily my brother escaped from all this, but he really cut out the rest of the family, I think just to get away from my mom and dad.
Anyway I'm not saying this is exactly what is happening to you, but it could be.
Status:
"Just livin' day by day"
(set 19 days ago)
Location: USA
3,166 posts, read 3,356,836 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rzzzz
I think you do live in at least a mildly toxic environment. Anytime your parents are trying to get you to live with them and discourage you from moving forward on your own, it is toxic. Maybe not "abuse level" toxic but it is not helping you grow as a person. What will you do when they aren't around anymore?
I don't know if this is common in general but it is common in my family. Every one of my dad's brothers and sisters has a kid who is sort of a "kept kid" in their house. I think it is because the parents just want to have a kid around to keep them company. They provide food and shelter but are VERY discouraging when it comes to striking out on their own. My dad made up all sorts of reasons why my brother was unfit for living on his own and "had" to live at home, otherwise "he'd end up in a group home." In reality my brother is very smart and perfectly normal aside from having super low self esteem from my dad telling him how hopeless he is all the time. But even in my dad's group of siblings, his youngest sister got this treatment from her parents. Luckily my brother escaped from all this, but he really cut out the rest of the family, I think just to get away from my mom and dad.
Anyway I'm not saying this is exactly what is happening to you, but it could be.
That's an interesting thought, "the kept kid" On my mom's side, one of her brothers, my Uncle lived with my Grandmother until she passed on. I dont know how he's doing because I dont care to keep in touch with him. Another Uncle on my dad's side lived with my Grandfather until he died. He doing well providing for himself....has a home, job, car etc.
I think everyone's pretty much telling her the the same thing. They're just going about it a different way. From my perspective, shame and guilt are not the ways to help someone motivate to make some positive changes in their life.
I think each person has their own triggers for motivation....Some people need a push while others only need a nudge....All of our past experiences in life make us form an opinion about how motivation works. The voice inside your own head is a powerful predictor of how you will handle life's challenges...Ultimately it comes down to being "mad as hell, and not going to take it anymore", fire in your belly, burning desire for change, whatever to illicit change....No one who sits comfortably in a padded box is ever going to get the gumption to move forward unless they see that life in a box is boring and wasteful....The fact that the OP posted her discontent with her padded box tells me that she is on the edge of a cliff called change & she is just searching for a reason to jump....Its really scary, but she sees it as necessary. Without the tools to know how to handle change she stays stuck.....I see it as a waste of a life...At age 62 and recently retired I cannot imagine what her life will be like at my age if she says stuck on the edge a cliff...Thus far no one or nothing has motivated her to step out of her comfort zone....She is well into her adulthood yet she still feels like a child living with mommy daddy....
If interventions worked long term I would be all for the hand holding approach. They don't work because it is the interveners not the intervened person that want the change. Until the OP gets angry enough or tired enough of her situation nothing is going to change...And I for one think that is such a waste of a life that I cannot stand to see happen.
I think each person has their own triggers for motivation....Some people need a push while others only need a nudge....All of our past experiences in life make us form an opinion about how motivation works. The voice inside your own head is a powerful predictor of how you will handle life's challenges...Ultimately it comes down to being "mad as hell, and not going to take it anymore", fire in your belly, burning desire for change, whatever to illicit change....No one who sits comfortably in a padded box is ever going to get the gumption to move forward unless they see that life in a box is boring and wasteful....The fact that the OP posted her discontent with her padded box tells me that she is on the edge of a cliff called change & she is just searching for a reason to jump....Its really scary, but she sees it as necessary. Without the tools to know how to handle change she stays stuck.....I see it as a waste of a life...At age 62 and recently retired I cannot imagine what her life will be like at my age if she says stuck on the edge a cliff...Thus far no one or nothing has motivated her to step out of her comfort zone....She is well into her adulthood yet she still feels like a child living with mommy daddy....
If interventions worked long term I would be all for the hand holding approach. They don't work because it is the interveners not the intervened person that want the change. Until the OP gets angry enough or tired enough of her situation nothing is going to change...And I for one think that is such a waste of a life that I cannot stand to see happen.
change made from anger is rash, dangerous, and not well planned...not lasting. Change made from a sense of worthiness, self-confidence is thought out, productive and lasting. You dont get a sense of worthiness and self confidence by being bullied, demeaned and invalidated.
Moderator cut: orphaned
You noted this many responses back--- what you want is a SO like your siblings have. What you want is for some guy to come along and " rescue" you. You want a meal ticket who will get you out of the house and take care of you. You're looking for dependency.
Sorry, good luck finding a white knight - most serious guys are going to look at your situation and run away. Most men want a life partner, not an adult they have to care for.
This thread has many pages, yet you, OP, have not taken any of the responses seriously. You're still in a dream world. Perhaps if you start working on yourself, get work skills, get a place of your own, then you might make yourself attractive to single men looking for a partner. Until then I don't think you can expect more than very casual sex.
Last edited by Miss Blue; 12-29-2014 at 05:15 PM..
Reason: response to a deleted post
Moderator cut: orphaned quote
its very difficult putting myself out there when I've isolated myself much of my teen years and 20's. even though I had younger siblings.[/quote]
That's not your main problem hon, you've got to get a career. Books about career guidance are what you need. Step out of the house and get a library book.
What are you good at? What kind of career could you have?
Last edited by Miss Blue; 12-29-2014 at 05:18 PM..
Status:
"Just livin' day by day"
(set 19 days ago)
Location: USA
3,166 posts, read 3,356,836 times
Reputation: 5382
Quote:
Originally Posted by willow wind
No, sex is not your problem. Wanting sex is normal, but that's not your problem. Your attitude toward life is.
How many men do you think are out there looking for 35 year old women, with no skills, who can't take care of themselves, who are still living at home with mom & dad ? Sure, you won't have any trouble finding someone to play slam, bam, thank you ma'am. But a serious prospect- not likely.
You noted this many responses back--- what you want is a SO like your siblings have. What you want is for some guy to come along and " rescue" you. You want a meal ticket who will get you out of the house and take care of you. You're looking for dependency.
Sorry, good luck finding a white knight - most serious guys are going to look at your situation and run away. Most men want a life partner, not an adult they have to care for.
This thread has many pages, yet you, OP, have not taken any of the responses seriously. You're still in a dream world. Perhaps if you start working on yourself, get work skills, get a place of your own, then you might make yourself attractive to single men looking for a partner. Until then I don't think you can expect more than very casual sex.
I didn't make it sound that way. My siblings didn't move out until in their early 20's wihen they found their SO. None of them EVER lived on their own. One moved in with her BF after H.S.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Davros
That's not your main problem hon, you've got to get a career. Books about career guidance are what you need. Step out of the house and get a library book.
What are you good at? What kind of career could you have?
I buried myself into babysitting and working in retail in my teen years, 20's and the the early part of my 30's. It eventually burnt me out leaving me with virtually zero social life. I filled that void by buying things I didn't really need, playing computer games and Internet.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 68551
HighFlyingBird....Do you see how the OP chose to answer our attempts to give her a reason to improve her life?? There is a real problem when we care more about her problem than she does....She is more worried about getting laid than improving her life...She deserves what she gets....I'm done with this!
Sex releases happy hormones
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