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What would happen if you stopped supporting your parents? How would they manage if you weren't in the picture? Would they lose their home, have to apply for public assistance, what?
You are 28 years old. It is time for you to start looking out for yourself (especially if people are just sitting around watching tv while you are trying to keep the family afloat). Yes it will be hard and people will try and guilt you into to staying but you need to move out ASAP, especially if your brother is abusive. Although it isn't his fault that he got sick, your father needs to figure out how to handle the finances and not depend on you for support, It's fine if you have it to give and want to give but you shouldn't bear the sole financial responsibility, especially if there is another able bodied adult in the house. What happens when your parents die- are they expecting you to take care of your brother?
Please talk to a social worker at the hospital where your father was treated or call the Department of Aging in your state. You need to see what sort of programs there are that can provide assistance for your parents.
I agree with this. You deserve to have a life, and a savings. If you pull out, it will become obvious who's not stepping up to the plate, who's being a mooch. Your parents just might pressure your brother to get a job. In any case, it's not your responsibility. As it stands now, you're helping to enable his irresponsible ways. Think about that one.
Stop supporting your parents. It isn't your job. You're supporting your parents who are in turn giving your support to your brother. You move out and get a small one bedroom or studio apartment. If possible, avoid this situation entirely by moving at least 800 miles away and losing their phone numbers.
It isn't just your brother that is being abusive and using you, it is your whole family. Refuse to carry them on your shoulders and they will learn how to walk on their own.
They won't keep enabling your brother after you leave. Once you, the meal ticket, are gone they will have to have a hard talk with a great deal of "no, expletive you" over who has to pay for things.
Right now, you are enabling your parents to help your brother abuse you. Get the hell out. If you need help finding a city that would meet your needs, shoot me a PM (assuming you live in the USA, I don't know individual city markets for other parts of the world).
You need to take care of yourself first.
At the minimum move out to a small apartment and let your parents manage on their own. It may be helpful to move away to a different city so that you are not "sucked back" into their dysfunction.
Oh gosh. My nephew is in his late 30s. Only worked one year. Could not handle community college, got straight D's. My sister (his mom) runs the household and earns a very low income. The niece graduated from college several years ago but no job. My sister is going to turn 62 in 2015. My siblings and my dad spent many times trying to get them to get help. But they refused to even think they have any problem.
So it's come down to just "not thinking about it" because it tears your heart out. They are adults. My other siblings and I know a crisis is coming up and they will not be prepared for it. It's as if they do not have goals, so why bother working for them? The oldest sister could pass away and then what? Her children are adults with no experience and will have to compete with minimum wage jobs, taken by either people half their age or by those who have no education but a strong work ethic.
If they own the house and it is not paid for - then have them switch the deed to you and you take over the payments - but kick your brother out of YOUR house. Let the parents know that will be the situation. If they disagree - then GET OUT. The above poster is right - there are things your parents can do to get help - social security, disability, food stamps, etc.
OP - NO - do not let them switch the deed to you! Ignore!
It is absolutely critical that you don't put yourself in a position of being legally responsible for their debts - do not sign any paperwork, take over NOTHING. You can't just "kick" your brother out of the house - he would need to be evicted. This is not your responsibility - none of it is.
I know what you're going through, believe me, though the sibling in my case is not abusive.
You have to move out. There's just no other way around it. Your parents are enabling him and they may never stop - all you can do is move. You are not obligated in any way to give up your own future and happiness for any of them.
I know how difficult it is - I live 15 hours away and carry a lot of guilt/dread about the future. But the bottom line is you're not honoring any of them by enabling their dysfunction.
Honestly the reason why I'm still with my parents is because I know my brother won't take care of them and I can't stand the thought of them being abuse anymore. I do feel he has a mental disability, maybe bipolar disorder.
I see what you mean but it still needs to change. Call adult protective services in your town or county. At least call them for advice - your fears have merit - you can find out what your options are.
Move out and stop paying other people's bills, that would be a way to get everyone away from the TV and finding jobs. I refuse to be an enabler for the screw ups in my family, they know not to ask me for anything because all they will get is a lecture.
OP---Let me tell you about a cousin and his family.
He and his wife had 2 kids. Both had stable jobs that paid decently but cousin's parents still chipped in so that they could have a standard of living that the parents deemed acceptable. Cousin had a good desk job with a company with great benefits. His wife had a secure job working for a small business owner. During the tech boom, cousin quit his good job to work for some start up company that failed. He never got his footing again and drifted from job to job. The mortgage got to be too much for them around the time his wife's boss moved the business to a semi-rural area. This was around the time of the last housing bubble. They bought a house in the semi-rural area. The kids, who both had graduated HS and the daughter also from community college, followed their parents out there moving into the house. The excuse for this? Rents were too high and it was cheaper for the kids to live with the parents, even though both kids had steady full-time work.
Well...the wife went flaky and ran off with another guy after she blew through their savings. My cousin, who was doing contract work as a laborer, had an accident on the job and was laid up for quite a while. Since then, he has not worked because every job he applies for involves a commute and all that commuting will cost him so much that the job wouldn't be worth it.
He can't sell the house because he's upside down on the mortgage. His mother now has to pay the mortgage. The kids are still living with him because they feel bad for him plus he needs them to help pay the bills.
The kids are now in their early 30s. I wonder if they will ever break away and forge their own lives. They are estranged from their mother and I think, fear leaving their father because they worry about him.
Don't let this happen to you! If you don't get out, one day you will wake up and realize that the prime of your life has passed you by without you ever experiencing true independence or having a family of your own.
Cut the cord, move far away and make a life for yourself. Will it be easy? No. Will it be worth it? Yes. Reach out to the poster who offered to PM you with advice on relocation. Don't let your life pass you by!
OP, whatever you do, do not take on the house mortgage. I don't care if it is Texas where you can eventually kick your brother out on his keister, do not take over the mortgage.
Get yourself situated somewhere else. If the folks find themselves floundering and end up selling or losing the house, then you can decide who lives with you. Much easier to decide who moves in than who moves out.
Stop paying for anything right this moment. Start saving for your own place and get out, even if it means sharing a home for a time.
Leave your family yucking it up around the TV and get on with your life.
Jan 1 is always a good time to realize if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got.
This might be useful information if your step-relatives were actually genetically related. Otherwise, not so much.
Troll alert.
Bored middle schoolers on xmas break.
Lots of people get the proper terminology for half-siblings and step siblings confused. Half-siblings are genetically related. Maybe she's a troll, but I'm inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1986pacecar
No one should still be living with Mommy and Daddy at age 28. Move out.
Making fun of her for being there helping out when her dad is sick, eh?
And here's what all the advice about moving out seems to miss. Her father at least was sick. She had a reason to need to be there. What is the situation with his illness now? Also there's all her parents' financial problems that will not improve. Moving out might only lead to her trying to support two separate households. Moving far away as many have suggested might mean she is having to travel back and forth constantly (also expensive and very difficult with a new job) to help care for her father. Some people can walk way; many can't. Given that OP posted because of her brother and not her parents, I doubt she will just walk away to leave her parents to fend for themselves.
Her mother also apparently spends all her time watching TV and not working. Unless she was literally providing 24/7 care for the dad, there's no reason she should not have been working along with the brother. I'm wondering why she gets a pass. Lots of unanswered questions here, as some other posters have also pointed out.
OP, I think you should either get the house in your name or get out. I wouldn't be paying all the bills for some place when nothing was in my name. If your dad's condition is sufficiently improved to where he no longer needs care and where he can work, then I would leave. If not, you can always threaten to do so unless things with your mom and brother change (yes, mom too, unless she is also too sick to work; she likely isn't you old given you and your brother's ages).
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