Not making eye contact disrespectful? (acquaintance, business, meeting, toxic)

[TamaraSavannah]

Originally Posted by jerseygal4u

Why is it considered rude?
When it eye contact considered inappropriate?

Also,i have noticed that when i myself look people in the eyes very briefly(like customer service at stores) they turn away.
I noticed this on the Nyc metro A train too. My eyes just happen to meet theirs and they seem angry about that.

I have found that over time, it may be be a region or country thing. I have been told, for example, that those from Latin America consider it rude to look someone in the eye.

Or consider this: when I was recently watching the flick, "The Madness of King George", there was a bit how no one looked the King in the eye except his doctor when curing him. That was part of their protocol.

Finally, as to anything else, I find it is very hard or it takes extreme concentration, mental training, to try to construct a joke scenario on someone, to maintain character, when looking the mark in the eye. Eventually, of course, I hope to be able to do it and I expect to be able to do it by having a character construct mentally in place who is not me playing the part, but is the person of the part, through and through. I have done that once, to a degree, but it took about 45 minutes meditation to reach that.

[Mid America Lifer]

No eye contact whatsoever doesn't look good, and some people might even wonder "am I so ugly, you can't stand to look at me?", but are too well-mannered to make an issue of it.

As others have suggested, a continuous stare isn't good either, whether on the giving or receiving end.

[don1945]

I think a lot of it depends on where you live. New York City for example might have people less willing to look into your eyes than if you were in a small town in North Carolina. It seems to me people in large cities are less willing to get involved with other people than in smaller towns........and making eye contact and chit chat are part of that.

I also notice that a lot of younger people are less willing to look you in the eye when conversing. Not sure why, maybe they were not taught that when they were young.

Don

[shaylahc]

I make eye contact with strangers and sometimes look away if I'm feeling shy. Most Americans don't like prolonged eye contact with strangers, it can send all kinds of messages ("I'm interested in you," "that hat looks stupid on you," etc)

[rugrats2001]

Originally Posted by SandHills

....For another viewpoint, here is a true-life account of mine, happening a dozen years ago. An applicable excerpt from my upcoming book. Please consider...


......Was sitting with my teacher, a full-blood Oglala Lakota ("Sioux"), last fall at his dining room table again. He had been speaking for some time when, without missing a beat, he had switched topics in mid-sentence to ask “... why do you always stare me down?” Talk about a shock! Was slapped from my left-brain hemisphere into the right in a New York City second.
[SIZE=3][/SIZE]
.......The shift in conversation blew out of my consciousness what we had even been talking about at the time. Had become immediately aware that, for many years now, this was something being done to my Elders that is considered quite disrespectful &, unfortunately, it had not consciously registered to that point.

.......Most of us non-Indians are taught to keep our eyes looking directly into another’s while we are speaking or being spoken to. This was literally beat into me while growing up. To fail this is to be considered not listening &/or disrespectful. Not so in Lakota nor in any other aboriginal culture around the world, for to keep staring at someone directly into their eyes is taken as a sign of confrontation between them. Small initial &continuing glances, yes ... no problem. Staring: most certainly no.
[SIZE=3][/SIZE]
.......Many of us are already aware of the principle that to stare into an animal’s eyes is a sign of challenging & may well jeopardize your personal safety when confronted with the likes of a vicious dog or a grizzly bear in your face. This principle is also true with traditional Lakota culture, & while you are quite unlikely to be attacked physically by doing so, it nevertheless is a very rude thing to do to an aboriginal Elder … or to anyone else for that matter, no matter what our so-called civilized world societies say though, sadly, it is widely tolerated by the very people who are still expected to bend to the demands of the society that conquered them. Numerous misunderstandings have resulted over the centuries in this country & in others as well over this one good, natural way, being partially to blame in keeping walls between cultures. ....

....

Not related to the eye contact subject, but I know that a lot of teachers pound it into your head not to use 'I' when writing, but you can't just delete the 'I' and leave the rest of the sentence untouched. Starting a sentence with "Was sitting" or "Was slapped" or "Had become" is very tiring to read.

[reneeh63]

Basic Rules:

• Avoid eye contact with strangers, say, on the street - or only the barest necessary to acknowledge their existence - do NOT hold eye contact unless you want some kind of confrontation
• More eye contact is called for with clerks and other wait people
• With coworkers, friends you're in a conversation with, you generally glance into their eyes while talking, and then look away, then glance again as points are made in the conversation - no staring
• The better you know someone, the more eye contact is appropriate - if you're dating, married, etc. - you can pretty much look as long as you'd like, but at some point it becomes awkward and you look away

[Osito]

I was raised to deal with some eye contact and most of my family does it better than me, but truth be told I hate it and think most people stare way too much. What did help me though was learning to focus on the forehead or other area close to the eyes with people who do like eye contact.

[ABQConvict]

I have been reprimanded for not making eye contact and for making too much eye contact with people from different regions and cultures.

I am not one to harp on the pitfalls of multiculturalism, but this is one of them. Some Americans will think you are disrespectful at best or, at worst, a deranged psychopath if you never look them in the eye. This can affect potential friendships or even work performance, getting jobs and promotions, etc.

Where I grew up and where I live now, some subcultures consider prolonged eye contact, really anything more than a fraction of a second, between strangers to be 'mad-dogging' (confrontational negative eye contact) and could potentially invite negative attention even resulting in an actual assault.

[HighFlyingBird]

forcing eye contact is rude and disrespectful...maybe your are more intense with your eye contact then you realize. Or the facial expression that comes with it isn't open or friendly,but seems aggressive, impatient or rude, even if you don't mean it. You could have BRF...I do...its a serious condition LOL

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3v98CPXNiSk

[Rubi3]

Many years ago I read Ralph Ellison's The Invisible Man. Ellison, an African-American observed that white people did not make eye contact with him; therefore rendering him invisible. There's more to the book than that, but it fits so well with the topic of the thread, I wanted to mention it. Subsequent to reading that book, I make a point of making eye contact with AAs, except in limited circumstances.