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Forget about the guy. Your social life should not be dependent on ONE person. You have a very unhealthy attachment to him. His comment about being happy with his GF struck a chord... and your reaction/thought process is way off. He's not being a friend, but neither are you. You are a door mat that picks up the tab.
I do realize that it is very unhealthy. I am clinging onto him because when I went through my break up, I constantly thought about my ex, and since I don't have many friends or a social life, I thought I would cling onto Tony because he is a person with a huge social life, and knows everyone, parties a lot too. So, when I went out with him, I had so much fun! I also didn't think about my ex or worry about my life. It was an awesome "get away" from my problems, I don't mean it like I am an addict lol. I mean Tony himself, was an awesome "get away" from my real problems because I am a lonely person with not much of a social life, so he fulfilled my life in that way. However, I am realizing how toxic and bad this relationship is, and I am falling for him, which is also bad. I just can't let go for some reason. I am afraid if I let go and cut him out, that I will be back to my lonely life, thinking about my problems, thinking about my ex, etc. I feel like I would lose "freedom" in a way. If you know what I mean? I think if another person came along that I can go out with, I probably wouldn't mind dropping Tony because I have somebody else to fall back on. I know it's a weird, and pathetic attitude to have, but I lived my life of loneliness for so long that I don't want to go back to that. I am so confused. Thank you for your input.
You are too young to get tangled into this relationship drama. Why don't you ditch your toxic friends, stop breaking the law & clean your act? Go to a college & learn a skill that will support you. Tonys of the world are hanging on to you just to take advantage of your innocence & vulnerability. Serious, committed relationships are for mature people who have their life together & have a strong mind to handle the stress. Focus on building your own life & make yourself the highest priority. At 21 you should be posting in work, employment, college forums to figure out what you should be doing with your life. Looks like others are ruining your life. Wake up & fix it before its too late. Don't rely on anyone to support you financially. Build a good career, stable income & then think about relationships. Even if you are rich & have a trust fund, a good quality guy will look for an interesting, strong, independent woman who is contributing something to society. By partying around town all the time, you will end up with losers like Tony.
You are too young to get tangled into this relationship drama. Why don't you ditch your toxic friends, stop breaking the law & clean your act? Go to a college & learn a skill that will support you. Tonys of the world are hanging on to you just to take advantage of your innocence & vulnerability. Serious, committed relationships are for mature people who have their life together & have a strong mind to handle the stress. Focus on building your own life & make yourself the highest priority. At 21 you should be posting in work, employment, college forums to figure out what you should be doing with your life. Looks like others are ruining your life. Wake up & fix it before its too late. Don't rely on anyone to support you financially. Build a good career, stable income & then think about relationships. Even if you are rich & have a trust fund, a good quality guy will look for an interesting, strong, independent woman who is contributing something to society. By partying around town all the time, you will end up with losers like Tony.
I am in college. I party on the weekend after I do my studies. I am studying Diagnostic Medical Sonography. (Ultra Sound Tech) My college does come first. I just never had a social life, or friends, and I feel like Tony provides that for me, however I know how toxic and bad the relationship is because I am being used. I feel like I can't cut it off when I should. I don't want to go back to being lonely, and having nothing to do. Or thinking about my ex because the break up is fresh. I think if I had someone else in my life, it would be easy to drop Tony. I think because I have nothing to fall back on that I am holding on until something better comes along to fulfill my life, but in the same breath I am in misery. I know, it's very confusing and weird. You're right, but I am not some imbecile, drug addict, I am just having fun when I can. Like I said, my college is more important and comes first before anything.
I am in college. I party on the weekend after I do my studies. I am studying Diagnostic Medical Sonography. (Ultra Sound Tech) My college does come first. I just never had a social life, or friends, and I feel like Tony provides that for me, however I know how toxic and bad the relationship is because I am being used. I feel like I can't cut it off when I should. I don't want to go back to being lonely, and having nothing to do. Or thinking about my ex because the break up is fresh. I think if I had someone else in my life, it would be easy to drop Tony. I think because I have nothing to fall back on that I am holding on until something better comes along to fulfill my life, but in the same breath I am in misery. I know, it's very confusing and weird. You're right, but I am not some imbecile, drug addict, I am just having fun when I can. Like I said, my college is more important and comes first before anything.
Good to hear back from you. I understand breakups can be very hard but you need to stay strong & do whats best for you. Being selfish is a big virtue. Select a good group of friends to hangout who share your interests & wont take advantage of you. Its better to be alone than hangout with losers who betray you. College is a great place to meet new people. It might look like a big deal right now, but you have to believe that in a few years from now you wont even remember his last name. What will come in handy is the time & efforts you invested in your school & work right now. There are plenty of good people out there who would love to be your friends. You dont need to hang on to one person as a source of your social life. If that person moves to a different town, will you never socialize again? You will learn to move on without him.
Participate in campus events, volunteer & sign up for a group or fraternity on campus. Just have fun. These friends you see right now will disappear into the busy world very soon so dont attach so much importance to them. Just like you cannot rely on your money or job forever, you cannot rely on friends to be around you forever. Work on your abilities to make money, skills to do a job & what it takes to make friends. Have a 'system' & you will never be without a job, money or friends. You can go anywhere with these abilities & start a new life all over again. Anyone who disrespects you should be out of your life in no time. Replace them with someone else. Just go out & build your own social life. Dont let others affect your confidence.
In my job I have to travel sometimes for several months & staying away from home in a tiny town can get really depressing. I am so busy that the only time I get to socialize is during the lunch break in the cafeteria. My 'system' of making friends is to sit at a different table everyday in the cafeteria & talk to new people. That way in a couple of days being on site I know quite a few people who say hello & chit chat with me. I don't sit in a corner by myself, expecting someone to come & talk to me. I will not see these people when I leave the site but they fulfill that social part of my life when I am there. That's all I need from them. At a new site I repeat the same method to meet new people. If I have one to 2 colleagues traveling with me, its great to see a familiar face but I would never rely on anyone to give me company. I will find my own group of friends.
Last edited by theluckygal; 01-19-2015 at 03:56 PM..
I do realize that it is very unhealthy. I am clinging onto him because when I went through my break up, I constantly thought about my ex, and since I don't have many friends or a social life, I thought I would cling onto Tony because he is a person with a huge social life, and knows everyone, parties a lot too. So, when I went out with him, I had so much fun! I also didn't think about my ex or worry about my life. It was an awesome "get away" from my problems, I don't mean it like I am an addict lol. I mean Tony himself, was an awesome "get away" from my real problems because I am a lonely person with not much of a social life, so he fulfilled my life in that way. However, I am realizing how toxic and bad this relationship is, and I am falling for him, which is also bad. I just can't let go for some reason. I am afraid if I let go and cut him out, that I will be back to my lonely life, thinking about my problems, thinking about my ex, etc. I feel like I would lose "freedom" in a way. If you know what I mean? I think if another person came along that I can go out with, I probably wouldn't mind dropping Tony because I have somebody else to fall back on. I know it's a weird, and pathetic attitude to have, but I lived my life of loneliness for so long that I don't want to go back to that. I am so confused. Thank you for your input.
How very hypocritical. Instead of dealing with your problems, you'd rather continue USING your "friend". The other poster is correct, you need to seek your college therapy services.
Original poster, don't you tire of all of the drama you produce in your life? If you would focus on your studies instead of all the parties your life would be much less dramatic and much more pleasant that laying around drunk and in a stupor all weekend.
I cannot imagine how good your grades could possibly be given you are drunk every weekend. I've been down that road and even if your blood alcohol limit is below legal your body and brain is still feeling the effects of all the weekend alcohol.
See if the friendship continues without you driving ,or purchasing booze, or being a chauffeur. You will have your answer.
I agree.
And I think you need to let go of the idea that you and he could/should be more than friends. Remember all the reasons you rejected him in the first place and the complaints you have about him in the OP. I think you need to spend less time with him because the only reason you want him is because you're semi-comfortable. Find someone exciting they has his shyyyt a little more together. Not someone who's just always around and is bearable.
Your definition of "fun" seems to be drunken "partying" with Tony and his circle.
How about broadening your horizons? Check out other activities - college campuses are usually overrunning with groups of various kinds - that don't focus on heavy drinking, but which have a purpose of some kind. You'll meet brighter, more mature, more focused and more interesting people and perhaps find new productive interests of your own.
I assume you know that alcohol kills brain cells. Your call, your brain - but I assume you plan to be using your brain for a good many years, so do think about what you're doing to it with regular, heavy drinking.
I've been around people who began drinking heavily when they were young and who still drink heavily many years later. They usually are not very interesting people, are less bright than their peers who never overindulged or who cleaned up their acts, and have notably shorter attention spans and a narrower range of interests. They're sort of dull, actually, and don't seem to have much to offer. Is this what you want for yourself or your friends?
You don't have to be mean to Tony, but quit driving him - or anyone else, or yourself - around when you've been drinking. You are a danger not only to yourself and your passengers when you do this, but also to everyone else on the road. Buying booze for underage drinkers is illegal - quit doing this, too.
You also sound depressed and as if you have low self-esteem. Consider talking with someone in your college's counseling department. Your life can be a lot more productive, and a lot more interesting than it seems to be at present, if you break this destructive pattern of "partying" each weekend.
Best wishes to you in making the needed changes and finding a better way.
Also I would say that you seem too cool to need anything to "fall back on". I understand having a ready-made social life is fun when you didn't already have one, but you seem to have a lot going for you and would really benefit from and end up really proud of yourself for dumping this friendship and making your own friends and social life. This is about your worth. You can do it without him or your ex or any boyfriend. You can.
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