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Old 01-08-2008, 01:47 AM
 
Location: Sandpoint, ID
3,110 posts, read 9,430,548 times
Reputation: 2554

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OK...here's my take...and for some background, my mother is very much like Fonda in "Monster in Law" to my wife...and thus I know very well what it's like to have had to make some difficult choices...

If you think of your husband like he's under-developed emotionally, it will help. This means that YOU needs to set him straight. Sit him down, and tell him that in ANY situation with family, there are two sides...his wife's side, or enemy camp. the beautiful thing is that he has the opportunity to hugely edify his wife in this situation an really strengthen your relationship...right?

He can choose to grow a pair and support his wife...or not...

Now, it's one thing if you're poison mean, evil, sarcastic and spiteful to his family, and they have thus had to exclude you...

But if what you're presenting is correct, then there has been some serious misconduct and betrayal of what your husband (IMO) should have sworn to do in his vows, to hold your relationship first and foremost above all others.

Now, if he's not into marriage, fine, he needs to tell you so and you can make your decision based on that data.

However, if he loves you and intends to honor promises he made to you when he married you, he needs to man up and WITH YOU present a united front to his family. There is no other way that you two can proceed with happiness if you're feeling a notable lack of support from him.

And of course take this (as all advice) with a huge grain of salt...but seriously...if your husband hasn't figure out how to support his wife in family matters, he needs a huge dose of "man up and get-some-courage"...

My situation...from the day I started dating my wife, my parents felt our family was "too good for her", although my siblings are supportive. My wife and I are a team...so we approach any/all dealings with my family as "you attack one of us, you just started a fight with BOTH of us"...
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Old 01-08-2008, 06:45 AM
 
Location: NJ
10,596 posts, read 21,260,509 times
Reputation: 8629
Quote:
Originally Posted by l.wilson View Post
O.K. so here is my issue. My dad passed away after a very long and painful muscle disease in which I was one of his main care takers. My husbands family knew about my dad's disease and the toll it took on me. Well when my dad finally passed (God rest his poor soul!) I never heard one word of condolences from my husbands dad,brother,or sister. Well I find that a bit heartless however the thing that really bothers me is that my husband doesn't think anything of it, and that I shouldn't have an issue with it!
I know how painful it is to lose your dad.. mine's been gone almost 2 years after an illness (job related cancer). Watching them suffer is the pits, and since you were a main caretaker, you we in a situation where you probably spent a lot of time with him, from appointments, hospital visits as well as home. I don't doubt you had a very full calendar and were always on the go.

When that happens, the dad finally (for lack of a better word) passes you are left with a large void.. you get up, look at the calendar to see what appointments there are, until you realize there is no where to go. Even something so simple as picking up the phone brings heartache. For me, taking a quick shower at a certain time of the day can leave me in tears still.

I can tell you that even if someone is going through something similar at the same time or right after; it's a good bet that they will be more focused on them and not even realize you have feelings. When my dad was still alive my FIL got sick.. I sent cards because I'd gotten a few to cheer me up, and people sent my dad cards regularly which helped him get through it.. so I did the same. Wouldn't you know it, my birthday was forgotten this was especially hard because my birthday was my dads next "goal", and my MIL's bday is a few days before mine.. which we sent a card to her. I even got an email from her on my birthday, she forgot to wish me a happy birthday.

So, yeah, I know what you're going through. Thankfully I've always had my hubby's grandmother who has been the most wonderful grandmother to me.. I've never had one, so I cherish her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by l.wilson View Post
Now my husbands dad is throwing a B-day party for himself at a local restraunt and everyone in our family is invited but me. His reasoning is this, his daughter is gay and has a girlfriend in which he doesn't want to attend, so only blood family is invited, so his daughter-in-law of 20 years (ME) and the girlfriend are not invited. Well kinda weird when my 3 kids and husband got ready and went to the party. And the kicker once again is.....My husband doesn't see anything wrong with it. Love to hear your comments one way or another!!
I really don't think that they get us. What hurts us, they would just brush off. Had the shoe been on the other foot, I don't doubt that you either would have stayed home from the party, told your parents that either he goes also or you aren't going, or brought him anyway. I'm sorry but you've been married a long time.. how much more a part of his family can you get?

I can tell you stories about things that have happened to me.. there's one incident I've wanted to post for 2 months.. thankfully my hubby is understanding of this particular situation. If he wasn't it would really crush me, and there have been times when it has. It's hard to be married to someone when the inlaws are like this.

The best you can do is get some distance, and realize that you can't change them. Something else will come up, hopefully your hubby will realize it is them & not you & be supportive. Can you get counseling?
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Old 01-08-2008, 06:52 AM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,732 posts, read 31,719,329 times
Reputation: 6773
I frankly find his behavior to you appalling, LONG before you talked about the party. Honestly how can someone who knows you and knows what you went through caring for your dying parent and NOT SAY something in sympathy. I don't even know you and I feel for you. That must have torn you up inside. Its one thing to care for someone who is dying, it being a parent just makes it all the harder.

Your husband is insensetive. Ask him if you can throw a party and not invite his Father and see what his reply is.

I personally would not have allowed my children to go. I would have told him that my children are not going to a party that I am not welcome at.
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Old 01-08-2008, 07:39 AM
 
Location: NJ
10,596 posts, read 21,260,509 times
Reputation: 8629
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindsey_Mcfarren View Post
I personally would not have allowed my children to go. I would have told him that my children are not going to a party that I am not welcome at.
I've been thinking about this since I posted..

What did you tell your kids? How did they feel about going without you?
I'm pretty upset about what he is teaching your kids.. how it's ok for mommy to not be invited to the "family" function. Eventually they will get older and may be faced with a situation like this.. they will either be sympathetic to their spouse or they won't care.
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Old 01-08-2008, 07:58 AM
NCN
 
Location: NC/SC Border Patrol
21,135 posts, read 21,823,696 times
Reputation: 23216
Your husband cannot change his father and he probably knows it, so is doing the best he can under the circumstances. Yes, it hurts; been there and done that, except it was the mil. You are not responsible for the wrong that your children are learning and without being the head of the family, there is really not much you can do except teach your children that this is not normal. Your fil is missing a blessing of not having you there. You are probably blessed that you don't have to be around this dysfunctional family. Count your blessings and enjoy a day of shopping and buy something really expensive. Marriage is not 50/50; sometimes it is 90/10. With this situation I would say it is 99.9/.1, but you are up to it and thank goodness YOU were brought up right.

Last edited by NCN; 01-08-2008 at 09:02 AM..
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Old 01-08-2008, 08:12 AM
 
26,314 posts, read 24,413,788 times
Reputation: 16000
Quote:
Originally Posted by l.wilson View Post
O.K. so here is my issue. My dad passed away after a very long and painful muscle disease in which I was one of his main care takers. My husbands family knew about my dad's disease and the toll it took on me. Well when my dad finally passed (God rest his poor soul!) I never heard one word of condolences from my husbands dad,brother,or sister. Well I find that a bit heartless however the thing that really bothers me is that my husband doesn't think anything of it, and that I shouldn't have an issue with it! Now my husbands dad is throwing a B-day party for himself at a local restraunt and everyone in our family is invited but me. His reasoning is this, his daughter is gay and has a girlfriend in which he doesn't want to attend, so only blood family is invited, so his daughter-in-law of 20 years (ME) and the girlfriend are not invited. Well kinda weird when my 3 kids and husband got ready and went to the party. And the kicker once again is.....My husband doesn't see anything wrong with it. Love to hear your comments one way or another!!
I wouldn't go, but that is just me....I'd tell you hubby to go and have fun, and I'd even buy him a gift, but I wouldn't go. And I say that b/c when I was married, my father in law became very ill....very ill, and we were there ever single day, 7 days a week...but when my step dad passed away, no one, not even my mother in law came, nor my sister in law, and that was really hard to chew....it hurts....

anyway, it sounds to me that his family is a bit dysfunctional or very self imposed or both...so, I'd simply stay away as much as I could, and if that is ok with hubby then fine....and think nothing more of it....

So, maybe I'm wrong, and others here might have better advice...

Good luck
Creme
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Old 01-08-2008, 10:02 AM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,176,799 times
Reputation: 969
I want to make sure I understand this. So his gay daughter doesn't get to bring her girlfriend and to be "fair" his son doesn't get to bring his wife? BUT...and a huge but, the, not one, not two, but three KIDS that, this man's grandchildren, who (I assume) occupied your womb, and were either cut out of you, or squeezed through the most miracle of orifices, that woman, is not invited to a family birthday party so not to hurt the feelings of his gay daughter?

You married into a family that is out of their minds.

disclaimerThe above is EXACTLY the way I argued in my marriage....hence the reason why I am divorced and most likely never marry again.

I would have purchased two gifts.....exactly what he would want with a card signed by only you; may I suggest a beautiful scrapbook of his grandkids births. And then I would have bought a coffee cup that says "The World's Best Grandpa" with the clearance price tag still one it, with a card from your husband and the kids.

I would also like to add that I am angry for you....behavior like this steams me!

I would also like to compliment you on your thread....you posted a title and told your story....none of this crazy hypothetical questions!!!!! So I rep you....oh, daughter-in-law of the devil.

I'm also curious. Is your FIL a drinker?

Last edited by MainStreet; 01-08-2008 at 10:14 AM..
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Old 01-08-2008, 10:49 AM
 
Location: Temporary on Earth for a little while
320 posts, read 880,222 times
Reputation: 178
this saddens me so much No one should have to go through thisi am utterly shocked that your HUSBAND can do such a thing....you and your husband are supposed to be one....Where is his love for you? guys like him are a separate word that i will not mention. I am really upset
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Old 01-08-2008, 10:54 AM
 
Location: Kansas
3,855 posts, read 11,744,167 times
Reputation: 1714
I wouldn't go to this party or any other family gathering following this. If you and your kids aren't good enough to be at this one party then don't bother bringing the grandkids around on christmas, easter, birthdays etc.

Not to mention what an A$$ he's being to his own daughter. This is 2008....there are gay people everywhere.

I suspect your husband is gritting his teeth right now because he knows you're upset about it. But he probably doesn't want to have to tell his dad off either. I, myself, have been in a situation similar to this although not exactly. He loves you both I'm sure. Take the high road. Don't ask him to choose. Just tell him you do not plan to bring your children around his biggot father anymore.
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Old 01-08-2008, 12:09 PM
 
Location: Assisi, Italy
1,845 posts, read 3,883,528 times
Reputation: 353
l.wilson

You are a codependant. Look it up. There are CODA meetings in most cities. They are free. I am one, so please don't think this is a dis to you. The best to you.
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