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Old 01-08-2008, 12:57 PM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,732 posts, read 31,716,561 times
Reputation: 6773

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I really feel for you but this is just one more story that makes me SO glad to be single. I no longer have what it takes to deal with this kind of manipulative madness, not even for a man I love.
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Old 01-08-2008, 01:13 PM
 
Location: Da Parish
1,127 posts, read 4,533,317 times
Reputation: 987
Wow, if someone invited me to a party that explicitly excluded my husband, you can bet your bottom dollar that I would not be attending! I would be so done with his father! I'm with Lindsey, there would be no way my children would be walking out the door to visit an "evil" grandpa, or for that matter, to watch Dad treat Mom like her hurt feelings don't count for anything. It sounds like your husband needs a lesson in loyalty and consideration!

I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad. My Dad passed away back in 99' and I miss him terribly.
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Old 01-08-2008, 04:01 PM
MB2
 
Location: Sebastian/ FL
3,496 posts, read 8,685,165 times
Reputation: 2700
Quote:
Originally Posted by l.wilson View Post
O.K. so here is my issue. My dad passed away after a very long and painful muscle disease in which I was one of his main care takers. My husbands family knew about my dad's disease and the toll it took on me. Well when my dad finally passed (God rest his poor soul!) I never heard one word of condolences from my husbands dad,brother,or sister. Well I find that a bit heartless however the thing that really bothers me is that my husband doesn't think anything of it, and that I shouldn't have an issue with it! Now my husbands dad is throwing a B-day party for himself at a local restraunt and everyone in our family is invited but me. His reasoning is this, his daughter is gay and has a girlfriend in which he doesn't want to attend, so only blood family is invited, so his daughter-in-law of 20 years (ME) and the girlfriend are not invited. Well kinda weird when my 3 kids and husband got ready and went to the party. And the kicker once again is.....My husband doesn't see anything wrong with it. Love to hear your comments one way or another!!

First off....I am truly sorry about your loss!!!
And next.....
Wow......that's all I can say.....WOW!!!!
How distasteful and ill- mannered can one be?
I would make it to a point, and not attend ANY more so called "family (what a joke!!!) functions from your so called "father in -law)...period!
I respect and love my husbands family...because I have all the right reasons to.
But, I am 100 % pro manners, tactfulness, respect and above all ........FAMILY!
http://i223.photobucket.com/albums/dd58/porfolio-stuff/family.png (broken link)
I love and respect very deeply.....but the same will go for hate as well.
Slap in the face....that's how I would feel like.
I would definitely address this issue with your husband.....ASAP....so he might understand, where you are coming from, and learns to understand your point of view and feeling on this issue.
Try to stay calm doing so....because the FIL and his ill- mannered actions are not worth fighting over. (Or is it????....It might even make FIL happy to hear you guys fighting...over something HE created !)
People not paying proper respect to me or my family...are literally dead to me, and I shut them out of my life....end of story.
Sorry, but that's just me.........
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Old 01-08-2008, 06:00 PM
 
140 posts, read 362,477 times
Reputation: 321
AGAIN... Validation is a beautiful thing! I am the original poster and all of your thoughts and comments coming across the screen are very empowering and confirm my own mind that yeah this behavior is weird and pretty much cruel. I am a very nurturing person by nature and try to take the opion of "taking the high road". However the "high road" sometimes does cross over to the "co-dependent road". I did talk with my husband calmly about my feelings on this and his response is that I'm trying to stir things up. What?? Reguarding my dad his comment was "People feel uncomfortable about death and it's uncomfortable to bring it up" Yeah didn't make sense to me either. I could care less about the party, it's my husband reaction to it (or lack of reaction!) I did allow my kids to go, I never mentioned to them that I was not invited. However with the recent deverlopement of me ending my relationship with my father-in-law, they do know why and understand it. However they do continue to see him (hardly ever) and he is soooo sweet and charming to them (gag...arn't I a nice guy!!) They are old enough now to see what he is all about, and remember the past, and can see right through the "I'm such a nice guy act". This is just a little snipit of my husbands reactions to my feelings. He was diagnosed with ADD last year (after putting our family through hell, another story, it's in my bio(?) if interested) I really do feel that his thinking is "off" and maybe it is connected to his ADD. Anyway, thanks all for your support!!
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Old 01-09-2008, 12:29 AM
 
Location: Sandpoint, ID
3,110 posts, read 9,429,382 times
Reputation: 2554
Quote:
Originally Posted by l.wilson View Post
Reguarding my dad his comment was "People feel uncomfortable about death and it's uncomfortable to bring it up" Yeah didn't make sense to me either. I could care less about the party, it's my husband reaction to it (or lack of reaction!)
OK..so what WOULD it take for your husband to feel he needs to support you. Maybe if your FIL punched you in the mouth? Would THAT get a reaction? I'm sorry, but I'm really disgusted by this spineless behavior...

Quote:
However they do continue to see him (hardly ever) and he is soooo sweet and charming to them (gag...arn't I a nice guy!!) They are old enough now to see what he is all about, and remember the past, and can see right through the "I'm such a nice guy act".
If they're seeing through his act, then let it be. I think they will appreciate (in the long run) you letting them experience positive and negative things themselves rather than forcing the issue "on their behalf". So I this was a good idea on your part as long as they're discerning enough to see through things.

Quote:
This is just a little snipit of my husbands reactions to my feelings. He was diagnosed with ADD last year (after putting our family through hell, another story, it's in my bio(?) if interested) I really do feel that his thinking is "off" and maybe it is connected to his ADD. Anyway, thanks all for your support!!
Just to be clear, if you're excusing ANY part of his behavior because of "ADD", I think you're making a huge mistake. There is no excuse short of a brain tumor or mind-altering condition that should turn a man into a spineless heap.

I'm sorry if my feelings about your husband offend you...but if your husband was my buddy, I'd set him straight and tell him to get his crap together and act like a husband...or keep getting led around by the nose by his family and lose a good woman...
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Old 01-09-2008, 02:00 AM
 
Location: Assisi, Italy
1,845 posts, read 3,882,639 times
Reputation: 353
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindsey_Mcfarren View Post
I really feel for you but this is just one more story that makes me SO glad to be single. I no longer have what it takes to deal with this kind of manipulative madness, not even for a man I love.
I hope you meet someone someday who will change that. I used to think the same until I met my wife.
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Old 01-09-2008, 04:50 AM
 
Location: NJ
10,592 posts, read 21,256,134 times
Reputation: 8617
Quote:
Originally Posted by l.wilson View Post
AGAIN... Validation is a beautiful thing! I am the original poster and all of your thoughts and comments coming across the screen are very empowering and confirm my own mind that yeah this behavior is weird and pretty much cruel. I am a very nurturing person by nature and try to take the opion of "taking the high road". However the "high road" sometimes does cross over to the "co-dependent road". I did talk with my husband calmly about my feelings on this and his response is that I'm trying to stir things up. What?? Reguarding my dad his comment was "People feel uncomfortable about death and it's uncomfortable to bring it up" Yeah didn't make sense to me either. I could care less about the party, it's my husband reaction to it (or lack of reaction!) I did allow my kids to go, I never mentioned to them that I was not invited. However with the recent deverlopement of me ending my relationship with my father-in-law, they do know why and understand it. However they do continue to see him (hardly ever) and he is soooo sweet and charming to them (gag...arn't I a nice guy!!) They are old enough now to see what he is all about, and remember the past, and can see right through the "I'm such a nice guy act". This is just a little snipit of my husbands reactions to my feelings. He was diagnosed with ADD last year (after putting our family through hell, another story, it's in my bio(?) if interested) I really do feel that his thinking is "off" and maybe it is connected to his ADD. Anyway, thanks all for your support!!
When he was diagnosed, I guess they gave him meds? Is he different?

Did you ever think he had a mood disorder, like bipolar? In your other post you say 90% wonderfull and 10% dark, then it flipped to 90% dark, 10% wonderful.

If he's on meds, did you look them up to see if they are ADD drugs?
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Old 01-09-2008, 05:37 AM
MB2
 
Location: Sebastian/ FL
3,496 posts, read 8,685,165 times
Reputation: 2700
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sage of Sagle View Post
OK..so what WOULD it take for your husband to feel he needs to support you. Maybe if your FIL punched you in the mouth? Would THAT get a reaction? I'm sorry, but I'm really disgusted by this spineless behavior...



If they're seeing through his act, then let it be. I think they will appreciate (in the long run) you letting them experience positive and negative things themselves rather than forcing the issue "on their behalf". So I this was a good idea on your part as long as they're discerning enough to see through things.



Just to be clear, if you're excusing ANY part of his behavior because of "ADD", I think you're making a huge mistake. There is no excuse short of a brain tumor or mind-altering condition that should turn a man into a spineless heap.

I'm sorry if my feelings about your husband offend you...but if your husband was my buddy, I'd set him straight and tell him to get his crap together and act like a husband...or keep getting led around by the nose by his family and lose a good woman...
Sage....very well said, and I wholeheartedly agree on this one!
My son was diagnosed with ADD......but that doesn't mean he turns into Jekyll and Hyde.
And, i am guilty too, of using THAT as an excuse for some of his delinquent acts, until I got together with his doctor, and asking all the right questions, and researching the Web on this "Imbalance" a bit further.
There are no excuses, to "excuse" ADD, since it can be addressed with proper meds.
Good luck to you, wilson....and that your husband will put more effort into his marriage, the communication, understanding and support thereof.
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Old 01-09-2008, 05:55 AM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,732 posts, read 31,716,561 times
Reputation: 6773
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob The Builder View Post
I hope you meet someone someday who will change that. I used to think the same until I met my wife.
Yea, I have heard people say that. Who knows but until then I relish my independence. AND I enjoy the company of my cats. It would be VERY hard for me to trust again.
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Old 01-09-2008, 06:03 AM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,732 posts, read 31,716,561 times
Reputation: 6773
Quote:
Originally Posted by l.wilson View Post
AGAIN... Validation is a beautiful thing! I am the original poster and all of your thoughts and comments coming across the screen are very empowering and confirm my own mind that yeah this behavior is weird and pretty much cruel. I am a very nurturing person by nature and try to take the opion of "taking the high road". However the "high road" sometimes does cross over to the "co-dependent road". I did talk with my husband calmly about my feelings on this and his response is that I'm trying to stir things up. What?? Reguarding my dad his comment was "People feel uncomfortable about death and it's uncomfortable to bring it up" Yeah didn't make sense to me either. I could care less about the party, it's my husband reaction to it (or lack of reaction!) I did allow my kids to go, I never mentioned to them that I was not invited. However with the recent deverlopement of me ending my relationship with my father-in-law, they do know why and understand it. However they do continue to see him (hardly ever) and he is soooo sweet and charming to them (gag...arn't I a nice guy!!) They are old enough now to see what he is all about, and remember the past, and can see right through the "I'm such a nice guy act". This is just a little snipit of my husbands reactions to my feelings. He was diagnosed with ADD last year (after putting our family through hell, another story, it's in my bio(?) if interested) I really do feel that his thinking is "off" and maybe it is connected to his ADD. Anyway, thanks all for your support!!
I'm thinking your husbands response is one he has been conditioned into. He has had to accept his Father's behavior as normal. Men and their Fathers seem to go through a power struggle sometimes and it sounds like your husband has given into his Fathers authority rather then being able to see right from wrong. Frankly I am affraid it would take alot to end this influence. Like maybe some counseling.

His Father sounds like he thinks he is the center of the universe. I personally would not attend something where my partner was not welcome. I really feel badly for your sister in law who is gay, I can't imagine how he treats her over this issue.
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