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Old 01-26-2015, 05:07 AM
 
1,020 posts, read 1,595,381 times
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Was just curious how you guys deal with flaky friends? I have this friend that seems kind of on the flaky side...

We've been friends for awhile and she was the first person I came out to. I noticed lately she has been kind of flaky. I've tried to plan things with her numerous times but she always cancels. She has only been to visit me once in DC. A few years back we had a big fall out because she was dating a guy that apparently didn't like gay people so we stopped talking for a year, but she apologized for treating me the way she did as the guy turned out to be not so nice in the end.

Fast forward today and I feel she is doing the same. I confronted her about it the other day and she said I shouldn't make such a big deal about her canceling appointments. I know things come up, but she has canceled I know the last 8 or 9 times to the point now, when she says she is coming to visit or wants to meet up, I expect her not to commit. She makes appointments for other people (such as dates) and the strange thing is she tells me about it. I kind of distanced myself from her for awhile, but like I said finally decided to confront her about it. I told her how I feel and she would deflect and say "well other people don't make a big deal" and then played the victim saying "a real friend wouldn't stop talking to someone over canceling" and that I need to stop being so "sensitive" and her depression was the reason for the frequent cancellations.

I'm a loyal person so it is hard for me to move on and at the same time when things like this happens, it makes me want to totally close myself off from meeting new people. Am I being overly sensitive? How should someone handle this?

I have another friend that is also just as bad. She will always cancel on me too, but will make appointments with other people and post pictures of her outings on FB. Am I doing something wrong here? Is this the norm with people?
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Old 01-26-2015, 05:17 AM
 
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wrong forum
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Old 01-26-2015, 05:21 AM
 
Location: Spokane, Washington
619 posts, read 583,761 times
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Doesn't sound like you're being overly sensitive at all. If it was one or two, sporadically over a period of time mixed in with a few successful outings, I'd say maybe you could be sensitive...but she sounds less like a flake and more like someone who doesn't want to be your friend.

I'm not sure if you're male or female, but a common occurrence among my gay friends is that when they come out, they'll always lose a few of their opposite-gender friends. The reason for these few people distance themselves from their friend is that they no longer see their friend as an option for a future relationship. There's no reason to spend time on them when they consider it a dead end.

Now, when you say that you totally want to close yourself off from meeting new people, that does sound overly sensitive. These girls don't sound like respectful friends at all. You called her out on her crap and she went into victim mode and made you the bad guy. That's her unacceptable behavior.

How to handle it? Move on and stop attempting to make plans with those people. Sometimes, we just grow out of our friends and have to make new ones.
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Old 01-26-2015, 01:58 PM
 
818 posts, read 827,119 times
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People that "flake " all the time are not what I call friends. I usually call them Users. They only want to act like friends when they need something or it benefits them. My advice is to find better people to be friends with.
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Old 01-26-2015, 02:59 PM
 
3,352 posts, read 2,560,726 times
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Tell them Bye!
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Old 01-26-2015, 04:16 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
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Selsun Blue
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Old 01-26-2015, 04:55 PM
 
1,020 posts, read 1,595,381 times
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Opps, didn't see the non-relationship forum until after I created this thread. Maybe a moderator could move it?

Thanks for advice, I'm definitely distancing myself from both of them. I'm just really a loyal guy so I guess I don't go from person to person. So when someone who I consider close to me, betrays me it is hard for me to trust others.
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Old 01-26-2015, 05:09 PM
 
Location: The Island of Misfit Toys
2,766 posts, read 2,559,950 times
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It's normal with some people. Some people give themselves more flexibility and fluidity with social appointments.

You have to be fluid too. Try not to get attached to any outcome. Let people and things be and you'll find things will bother you less and you'll be able to appreciate whatever the moment brings you.
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Old 01-26-2015, 07:32 PM
 
Location: NYC
16,023 posts, read 24,588,923 times
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Try telling your friend how you feel. I was in a hard mental place, for lack of a better phrase, and did this to some friends. If anyone asked "hey are you doing okay? I feel like you cancel out and I like ior time together" I would open up.

Some friends are just flakey, some may have more going on. Depending on how you feel about your friend, make an effort.
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Old 01-26-2015, 08:59 PM
 
2,364 posts, read 2,590,521 times
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I have dumped friends like that in the past. If they cancel occasionally i can understand but if it happens 2-3 times in a row then they belong only in my facebook & dont deserve my personal time. These friends obviously take you for granted & have no respect for you. Just move on & find other friends. Invest in a hobby & take classes where you can find people who share your interests.
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