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Afraid? That's funny, we have (in the past) always had time alone just to catch up, if we hadn't seen each other in a few years, we'd have a long talk on the phone. I really don't see the harm. I know of people who have very close friendships with their cousin, it's hardly scandalous.
I'm really surprised at the reactions my post has generated. Something so simple as wanting to reconnect with a cousin has certainly led to some interesting comments.
I would like the moderator to close this topic please. This was not intended to be so controversial.
Hmm . . . hit a nerve, did we? It's not controversial to anyone but you. Almost everyone has commented that your continued longing for a relationship with a cousin who does not appear to want to to maintain your previously close relatonship probably is odd at best, and obsessive at worst.
Times change. Lives change. Take the hint -- he doesn't want/need/desire a deeper relationship with you. If he did, he'd be meeting you half-way. He's not. I understand that you probably do miss that closeness, but there's nothing you can do to force someone. Perhaps HE felt that the relationship was skating on the edge of something that wasn't healthy for his marriage. If that's the case, then he made the right decision -- and the fact that you are still agonizing over it probably confirms it.
The third sentence of your original post states that you and this cousin were "too close". You were very careful to include the controversial information about your relationship with your cousin and how it left you confused.
This post, from the very first, never sounded like a simple innocent "just trying to reconnect with my cousin" that you claim in later posts. Re-read your first post and change the word cousin with the words "old flame" and see how it sounds to you. And then wonder why people are commenting like they are.
Truthfully, it sounds like you miss the old spark that must have been there. Knowing that the person causing that spark is your cousin should be enough for your common sense to prevail and you should not push to reconnect with him. Send birthday cards / Christmas cards, but don't pressure him to start a deep friendship again with you. It is possible that the depth of the feelings you were developing for each other made him uneasy.
OP, I don't think it's that odd to want to reconnect with a cousin. After high school, I went to live in Europe for a year with some family and was particularly close to one of the brothers and one of the sisters (So, cousins, but distant-ish cousins). The guy cousin spoke decent English, so my connection with him was stronger. And he made several trips to the US, so our relationship spanned several years, while the only time I really spent with his sister was when I was living with them.
I don't see him regularly anymore. We both have families and travel is more complicated with kids in tow. Plus, his daughter doesn't speak English, and my kids (and husband) ONLY speak English. So we have definitely drifted. But I am still extraordinarily fond of him and miss our long talks that used to go late into the night. Never any "monkey business". NEVER. Although our silliness and our closeness sometimes made people raise their eyebrows a little.
He was something of the black sheep in his family. A self centered introvert by most people's accounts. But he still remembers my birthday every year with a phone call and calls me on his birthday too, the last couple of years. We always have the funniest conversations. Love that guy. Would love it if it were more frequent, but that's life.
I had the opportunity to go and visit Europe last summer with just my mom and brother. He made all sorts of time for us and we saw him more than any of our other family. (He is also close with my mom). If it had been any other way, my feelings would have been so hurt. I hadn't seen him in ten years!!
So I get wanting to reconnect with a cousin. And I get being nervous about it. I think the trick is really to not care too much though. I sent a Happy New Year email and haven't heard back from my cousin, other than a "like" on facebook recently (he's NEVER on facebook, and I think I'm his only facebook friend!). He just doesn't check email very often, is busy with work and family, and it is what it is. I know he cares about me and that i am undoubtedly one of his favorite people . And that has to be enough.
I think the issue you have is that you're not quite sure where you stand at this point, so if your cousin doesn't reciprocate it takes on a whole new level of significance. It's a tricky place to be in.
OP, I don't think it's that odd to want to reconnect with a cousin. After high school, I went to live in Europe for a year with some family and was particularly close to one of the brothers and one of the sisters (So, cousins, but distant-ish cousins). The guy cousin spoke decent English, so my connection with him was stronger. And he made several trips to the US, so our relationship spanned several years, while the only time I really spent with his sister was when I was living with them.
I don't see him regularly anymore. We both have families and travel is more complicated with kids in tow. Plus, his daughter doesn't speak English, and my kids (and husband) ONLY speak English. So we have definitely drifted. But I am still extraordinarily fond of him and miss our long talks that used to go late into the night. Never any "monkey business". NEVER. Although our silliness and our closeness sometimes made people raise their eyebrows a little.
He was something of the black sheep in his family. A self centered introvert by most people's accounts. But he still remembers my birthday every year with a phone call and calls me on his birthday too, the last couple of years. We always have the funniest conversations. Love that guy. Would love it if it were more frequent, but that's life.
I had the opportunity to go and visit Europe last summer with just my mom and brother. He made all sorts of time for us and we saw him more than any of our other family. (He is also close with my mom). If it had been any other way, my feelings would have been so hurt. I hadn't seen him in ten years!!
So I get wanting to reconnect with a cousin. And I get being nervous about it. I think the trick is really to not care too much though. I sent a Happy New Year email and haven't heard back from my cousin, other than a "like" on facebook recently (he's NEVER on facebook, and I think I'm his only facebook friend!). He just doesn't check email very often, is busy with work and family, and it is what it is. I know he cares about me and that i am undoubtedly one of his favorite people . And that has to be enough.
I think the issue you have is that you're not quite sure where you stand at this point, so if your cousin doesn't reciprocate it takes on a whole new level of significance. It's a tricky place to be in.
Thank you! Someone that gets where I am coming from. All I am trying to do is determine if trying to reestablish a friendship with someone I was once close to is the right thing to do. I am trying to forgive and forget the past, I am not trying to do anything more. Yes, I did say in an earlier post that for a while I was confused about my feelings, and if I went into detail upon detail, some of you would understand that the closeness was quite mutual. That all changed when I met someone and he taught me that there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. I simply would like a connection to a cousin, that's all. I don't have a lot of family and with my parents aging it makes you see things in a different lite.
Chrissy, I totally get where you are coming from and hope that you two can always have the type of bond you have now -- I know what that's like.
Sorry, OP. I agree with the other posters. You have an odd fixation on a cousin. There were several red flags in your post. You don't "just want to reconnect with a cousin." If that's all it was, you wouldn't be agonizing over this; you wouldn't want to talk to him alone; you wouldn't be worried about coming off like a crazy person and having the police called. Leave the past in the past.
Sorry, OP. I agree with the other posters. You have an odd fixation on a cousin. There were several red flags in your post. You don't "just want to reconnect with a cousin." If that's all it was, you wouldn't be agonizing over this; you wouldn't want to talk to him alone; you wouldn't be worried about coming off like a crazy person and having the police called. Leave the past in the past.
You can agree with anyone you'd like, you don't believe me, that's fine, no one here knows all the facts and that's fine, I just came on to get some advice. People took it wrong from the little that I posted, there is a ton more. I could post until the end of time and people will believe what they want, so this will be my last post on the topic.
Thank you for all the advice, I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet.
We believe you when you said you were too close and the other things. Did you ever think he told his wife about you and she told him to have no more contact?
We believe you when you said you were too close and the other things. Did you ever think he told his wife about you and she told him to have no more contact?
Definitely a possibility. His wife managed to end all of his friendships (some from college), his own brother told me this and commented that he was surprised she hadn't put an end to his friendship with me.
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