Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
OP, what you describe is a difference in values that has come between your friendship. You apparently have had to employ and value hard work and self reliance. Your friend has not. Imagine for a moment that you were the more wealthy doctor's daughter and working class friend got daddy to bankrupt himself to allow her a college redo. Would you still be friends with this girl? Probably not.
I agree with the above posters in that keeping friendships between vastly differing social classes often appears to be matters of practicality. Going out to dinner often means quite a bit different event between the classes. The lower income one having a hard time affording the event if the wealthy friend does not have "earthy" tastes.
I have a friend that started out the same in life but married really well. Fortunately I did okay too but we worked hard for our money. Her tastes have really trended up over the years, a weekend away meaning 4 star resorts or $400 dollar a night lodgings. Though I and my husband can afford to do this, we choose not to. I have retained my peasant tastes for hole in the wall but good local eateries, trips like camping, a weekend on a sailboat or to a rustic beach cabin. When we travel overseas we rely on inns and apartments rather than top hotels. It's hard to please her because she's become an upscale "foodie" whereas our old friends and I are more likely to choose an ethic eatery or something out of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. Nothing ruins a good dinner like a person sniffing at or complaining about the food.
As it turns out, it's a matter of values. We no longer have much in common. I have another friend who is lovely but she struggles. It's hard hearing her litanies of woe about money (I try and keep the subjects lighter like gardening, the kids) and a trip to her home which is about the only way I'll see her kind of gives me a bit of the willies because the house isn't as clean as I am used to and her food handling has me looking the other way. If we go out, 9 out of 10 times, I'll pay. It doesn't matter to me but it does to her. I get it. I'll be more likely to keep the latter friend than the former but it's easier to have friends in the same place in life with similar tastes and values. That is partly why it's so hard to make and keep friends as adults. Kids all want the same thing and bond over those things.
Don't fret OP. You are in a better place of self reliance. The lessons of deferred gratification and hard work will serve you well throughout life. Don''t envy that old friend. She is being harmed by getting her way without earning it.
Many people discuss homophobia and race as dividers in society. While this certainly contains merit, I am curious if anyone also finds socio economic disparities barriers to friendships. I have recently cut off (or more like phased out) of 2 former friends because their lives were so different than mine that it is too hard to relate. For instance, my former best friend is the daughter of a doctor (surgeon). We started university at the same time and are both now 26. I graduated nearly on time (plus a semester due to transferring and changing majors) while my friend just started completely over due to poor planning. She has decided she wants to move to Quebec to be in a french speaking province and obtain a bachelors degree there. Sure enough, daddy whipped out his checkbook and not only moved her up there last fall from their home in Georgia, but pays her tuition and fully supports her-rent, utilities, car phone,etc. I hate to admit this but a serious case of envy was manifesting inside me that I felt it was unhealthy to proceed further as I became more resentful of her good fortune. What bothers me most is that she had her dream handed to her (moving to quebec) while my dreams of moving to different cities have been put on hold due to student loans, poor economy and not being able to make and save enough in my current job. In the case of the other friend, a similar story. She had always dreamed to move to a beach area in southern california and once her mother sold her house she let my friend talk her in to moving in to a luxury apartment in Santa Barbara practically right on the beach.
I have come to the realization that people might be better if they stick within the scope of their social class, among other traits ofcourse like mutual hobbies and interests. So I ask, have any of you felt resentment over a friend who you know you worked much harder than, but had to put your dreams on hold because the friend just got lucky and had things handed to them? Also, do you find it better to stick within your social class? The aforementioned friend comes from an upper middle class background (her word) while I come from a lower middle or working class background. Do you feel relationships like these are bound to deteriorate over time?
Sorry this was long! Just needed to get this off my chest as I DO feel a bit guilty.
You need the change the topic title to "sustain friendships when I'm jealous of someone else's good fortune, instead just enjoying them for who they are." I think you need to grow up a little, and realize that it's not "luck", but life. I'm sure there's something about you that she wishes she had.
I also think you aren't dealing with your envy and jealousy problem very well---choosing to chunk friends over it. Admit it, that's the real deal here.
Look, you'd really be better off going to a therapist to get the tools necessary to rid yourself of those two ugly sisters.
Otherwise, you are bound to become a friendless old woman living in a house full of cats.
P.S. If you can't bring yourself to go to a therapist, why not just move to Great Britain? Afterall, the class system there (in mentality and actuality) will better suit you.
And that's my biggest fear. I am dropping friends like flies. Thanks for the reality check. I will look in to counseling or speak with a spiritual counselor at church.
Many people discuss homophobia and race as dividers in society. While this certainly contains merit, I am curious if anyone also finds socio economic disparities barriers to friendships. I have recently cut off (or more like phased out) of 2 former friends because their lives were so different than mine that it is too hard to relate. For instance, my former best friend is the daughter of a doctor (surgeon). We started university at the same time and are both now 26. I graduated nearly on time (plus a semester due to transferring and changing majors) while my friend just started completely over due to poor planning. She has decided she wants to move to Quebec to be in a french speaking province and obtain a bachelors degree there. Sure enough, daddy whipped out his checkbook and not only moved her up there last fall from their home in Georgia, but pays her tuition and fully supports her-rent, utilities, car phone,etc. I hate to admit this but a serious case of envy was manifesting inside me that I felt it was unhealthy to proceed further as I became more resentful of her good fortune. What bothers me most is that she had her dream handed to her (moving to quebec) while my dreams of moving to different cities have been put on hold due to student loans, poor economy and not being able to make and save enough in my current job. In the case of the other friend, a similar story. She had always dreamed to move to a beach area in southern california and once her mother sold her house she let my friend talk her in to moving in to a luxury apartment in Santa Barbara practically right on the beach.
I have come to the realization that people might be better if they stick within the scope of their social class, among other traits ofcourse like mutual hobbies and interests. So I ask, have any of you felt resentment over a friend who you know you worked much harder than, but had to put your dreams on hold because the friend just got lucky and had things handed to them? Also, do you find it better to stick within your social class? The aforementioned friend comes from an upper middle class background (her word) while I come from a lower middle or working class background. Do you feel relationships like these are bound to deteriorate over time?
Sorry this was long! Just needed to get this off my chest as I DO feel a bit guilty.
Actually, maybe the conclusion you should be coming to is that you might be better if you stick within the scope of your social class. Not everyone has the same reaction to a friend's good fortune as you.
However, I'll say that I know what it's like to be envied. This is not to say I'm anything but middle-class. I'm as middle-class as you can get. But one of my sisters really holds it against me that I went to college away from home, at a nice university. I won't lie: It does give you advantages and opportunities that her choices--getting pregnant at 18, married at 19, and divorced at 24 with two small children in tow--doesn't. However, she operates under the mistaken impression that whenever something good happens to me, it's because it was handed to me because of my degree. Never mind that I spent four years earning the degree and another 10 years paying it off, she sees the degree as a "piece of paper," and doesn't see that it is just the first step and that the work itself is, well, work! She is green with envy that I make more than she does, and she took pleasure in it when I hit a slump. She's also intimidated by the things my friends and I are into and the things we discuss. My ex-SO was the same way, especially at first. He considered some of my interests "snooty." Okay, reading literature and philosophy is "snooty?" Whatever. He was reading Voltaire and Nietzsche within a few years of meeting me, anyway. At least he sought to learn. She doesn't. She just prefers to be threatened and hostile toward anyone with a little more worldliness and education than she has.
I don't talk to that sister anymore, as a favor to myself. So you're probably doing a favor to your friend by not talking to her anymore, too. Your friend may have her education paid for, but she still has to apply herself to her studies and she still has to start out all over again. If you are jealous of that, the problem is with you, and she really doesn't need to deal with your seething resentment.
True happiness comes from being content with what you have, not comparing yourself and what you have to someone else and what you think he or she has been given. Not only might you be making inaccurate assumptions, you seem to forget that money and career aren't all there is in life. Heaven forbid something awful happens to her--a terminal illness, an accident, a violent assault--would you be so envious of her then?
Many people discuss homophobia and race as dividers in society. While this certainly contains merit, I am curious if anyone also finds socio economic disparities barriers to friendships. I have recently cut off (or more like phased out) of 2 former friends because their lives were so different than mine that it is too hard to relate. For instance, my former best friend is the daughter of a doctor (surgeon). We started university at the same time and are both now 26. I graduated nearly on time (plus a semester due to transferring and changing majors) while my friend just started completely over due to poor planning. She has decided she wants to move to Quebec to be in a french speaking province and obtain a bachelors degree there. Sure enough, daddy whipped out his checkbook and not only moved her up there last fall from their home in Georgia, but pays her tuition and fully supports her-rent, utilities, car phone,etc. I hate to admit this but a serious case of envy was manifesting inside me that I felt it was unhealthy to proceed further as I became more resentful of her good fortune. What bothers me most is that she had her dream handed to her (moving to quebec) while my dreams of moving to different cities have been put on hold due to student loans, poor economy and not being able to make and save enough in my current job. In the case of the other friend, a similar story. She had always dreamed to move to a beach area in southern california and once her mother sold her house she let my friend talk her in to moving in to a luxury apartment in Santa Barbara practically right on the beach.
I have come to the realization that people might be better if they stick within the scope of their social class, among other traits ofcourse like mutual hobbies and interests. So I ask, have any of you felt resentment over a friend who you know you worked much harder than, but had to put your dreams on hold because the friend just got lucky and had things handed to them? Also, do you find it better to stick within your social class? The aforementioned friend comes from an upper middle class background (her word) while I come from a lower middle or working class background. Do you feel relationships like these are bound to deteriorate over time?
Sorry this was long! Just needed to get this off my chest as I DO feel a bit guilty.
Yes, I'm afraid so (meaning I agree with you). From what I've experienced, the 'socio-' side of it is the issue- background and upbringing. I've found "attitudes, beliefs, behaviors" are so radically different that there's no common ground and plenty of misconceptions.
You are the one with the issues.....It appears that you are simply jealous of what your friends have, because you do not have these things. I think a true friend is just that.....no matter how much or how little. I think you should re-think this...before your re-verse snobbery costs you 2 friends.
Many people discuss homophobia and race as dividers in society. While this certainly contains merit, I am curious if anyone also finds socio economic disparities barriers to friendships. I have recently cut off (or more like phased out) of 2 former friends because their lives were so different than mine that it is too hard to relate. For instance, my former best friend is the daughter of a doctor (surgeon). We started university at the same time and are both now 26. I graduated nearly on time (plus a semester due to transferring and changing majors) while my friend just started completely over due to poor planning. She has decided she wants to move to Quebec to be in a french speaking province and obtain a bachelors degree there. Sure enough, daddy whipped out his checkbook and not only moved her up there last fall from their home in Georgia, but pays her tuition and fully supports her-rent, utilities, car phone,etc. I hate to admit this but a serious case of envy was manifesting inside me that I felt it was unhealthy to proceed further as I became more resentful of her good fortune. What bothers me most is that she had her dream handed to her (moving to quebec) while my dreams of moving to different cities have been put on hold due to student loans, poor economy and not being able to make and save enough in my current job. In the case of the other friend, a similar story. She had always dreamed to move to a beach area in southern california and once her mother sold her house she let my friend talk her in to moving in to a luxury apartment in Santa Barbara practically right on the beach.
I have come to the realization that people might be better if they stick within the scope of their social class, among other traits ofcourse like mutual hobbies and interests. So I ask, have any of you felt resentment over a friend who you know you worked much harder than, but had to put your dreams on hold because the friend just got lucky and had things handed to them? Also, do you find it better to stick within your social class? The aforementioned friend comes from an upper middle class background (her word) while I come from a lower middle or working class background. Do you feel relationships like these are bound to deteriorate over time?
Sorry this was long! Just needed to get this off my chest as I DO feel a bit guilty.
The problem is YOU. Get over your envy. Life is not fair.
Many people discuss homophobia and race as dividers in society. While this certainly contains merit, I am curious if anyone also finds socio economic disparities barriers to friendships. I have recently cut off (or more like phased out) of 2 former friends because their lives were so different than mine that it is too hard to relate. For instance, my former best friend is the daughter of a doctor (surgeon). We started university at the same time and are both now 26. I graduated nearly on time (plus a semester due to transferring and changing majors) while my friend just started completely over due to poor planning. She has decided she wants to move to Quebec to be in a french speaking province and obtain a bachelors degree there. Sure enough, daddy whipped out his checkbook and not only moved her up there last fall from their home in Georgia, but pays her tuition and fully supports her-rent, utilities, car phone,etc. I hate to admit this but a serious case of envy was manifesting inside me that I felt it was unhealthy to proceed further as I became more resentful of her good fortune. What bothers me most is that she had her dream handed to her (moving to quebec) while my dreams of moving to different cities have been put on hold due to student loans, poor economy and not being able to make and save enough in my current job. In the case of the other friend, a similar story. She had always dreamed to move to a beach area in southern california and once her mother sold her house she let my friend talk her in to moving in to a luxury apartment in Santa Barbara practically right on the beach.
I have come to the realization that people might be better if they stick within the scope of their social class, among other traits ofcourse like mutual hobbies and interests. So I ask, have any of you felt resentment over a friend who you know you worked much harder than, but had to put your dreams on hold because the friend just got lucky and had things handed to them? Also, do you find it better to stick within your social class? The aforementioned friend comes from an upper middle class background (her word) while I come from a lower middle or working class background. Do you feel relationships like these are bound to deteriorate over time?
Sorry this was long! Just needed to get this off my chest as I DO feel a bit guilty.
Two classes can be friends. Probably not BFFs or anything but still maintain a friendship, even if it's seeing each other once in a great while. If you resent the people, however, it's probably best to end it. In that case, you would not be a friend.
I have quite a few friends who are well above me in "class". It does not really create a problem for our relationships because I don't feel jealous of them. I am glad to have them as friends because we share much as far as interests and activities as well as on an intellectual level. Fortunately for me those associations have proved a benefit to me in that they gave me the encouragement and support and character building that led me to move myself up a little bit in the world.
I have found that it is good to surround yourself with people who have traits that you want to develop in yourself. If those people also happen to have more materially or even less should not be so much of a factor. Improve yourself, improve your surroundings and associations and you might find that your materiel life will either become better or not seem so bad.
Yup. If you hadn't broken that relationship off, her or "Daddy" probably would have down the line. Be thankful you weren't married to her.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Whatever. He was reading Voltaire and Nietzsche within a few years of meeting me, anyway. 
At least he sought to learn. She doesn't. She just prefers to be threatened and hostile toward anyone with a little more worldliness and education than she has.
