U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 02-05-2015, 08:38 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,572 posts, read 17,544,804 times
Reputation: 27635

Advertisements

I have some fairly distant relatives (grandfather's great niece and her father, grandfather's nephew) who used to come see my grandfather at least once a year before he died in 2009. The father was divorced from the kid's mother and had married another woman who already two children, then they had two more - five total. There was always some tension with the kids, but they came up frequently to visit. We never knew of any problems and they seemed like a picture perfect family.

The daughter wanted to come to the funeral in 2009 (she was 15 then), but her mother wouldn't allow it. She did manage to come see my grandmother in 2010 when she came to see her own grandparents, as they lived close by. I don't think we've seen her since. Sometime around 2009, it appeared her mother ended up getting custody full-time.

I added her on Facebook a couple years back and she was always asking if my parents and me were in cahoots with her father in a very hostile tone. We were never that close to her dad to begin with (neither was my grandmother), though we were friends on Facebook. Eventually she shut her Facebook down completely.

I texted her and she said she felt "very uncomfortable" around people on her dad's side of the family, but wouldn't go into details and eventually stopped responding. My grandmother tried calling her periodically, but never got a response.

The girl had some serious mental issues (suicidality, eating disorders, etc) and the relationship between her father and mother was never good, so I just assumed she was a crackpot teenager and left it at that.

I got bored a few days ago and began Googling her name and there were multiple pages for "rape survivors." Just tons and tons of blogs, links to support websites, etc. Apparently she's very out in the open about it. The alleged rapist was her stepbrother, and supposedly this went on for eight years. DCF got involved according to all these blogs but no charges appeared to have been filed. The stepbrother is now in his early-mid 20s, has a criminal record for charges not pertaining to this, and is a deadbeat dad, according to what her father told my grandmother. The father never hears from his daughter, who is now 20.

We'll never know what actually happened and I'm not really interested in finding out much more, but I found out it odd how she wanted to write off the entirety of her dad's side of the family (he was an only child and the grandparents on that side are long dead, so her dad and possibly distant relatives are all that would be there), when not everyone had anything to do with what allegedly happened. Have you ever written off a large part of your family or been written off by them, and don't really understand why?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 02-05-2015, 08:53 AM
 
Location: Florida
4,507 posts, read 3,909,494 times
Reputation: 9902
Well my father and his brother had a falling out over $$$. I know enough of it now, as an adult, but at the time the details were fuzzy. They stopped speaking in the 80's and now my uncle is dead (my father is almost 90). He hated his brother so much that when he met his current wife (my mom died many years ago) that he told her he was an only child.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-05-2015, 09:48 AM
 
Location: Colorado (PA at heart)
8,897 posts, read 13,651,876 times
Reputation: 11530
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emigrations View Post
I have some fairly distant relatives (grandfather's great niece and her father, grandfather's nephew) who used to come see my grandfather at least once a year before he died in 2009. The father was divorced from the kid's mother and had married another woman who already two children, then they had two more - five total. There was always some tension with the kids, but they came up frequently to visit. We never knew of any problems and they seemed like a picture perfect family.

The daughter wanted to come to the funeral in 2009 (she was 15 then), but her mother wouldn't allow it. She did manage to come see my grandmother in 2010 when she came to see her own grandparents, as they lived close by. I don't think we've seen her since. Sometime around 2009, it appeared her mother ended up getting custody full-time.

I added her on Facebook a couple years back and she was always asking if my parents and me were in cahoots with her father in a very hostile tone. We were never that close to her dad to begin with (neither was my grandmother), though we were friends on Facebook. Eventually she shut her Facebook down completely.

I texted her and she said she felt "very uncomfortable" around people on her dad's side of the family, but wouldn't go into details and eventually stopped responding. My grandmother tried calling her periodically, but never got a response.

The girl had some serious mental issues (suicidality, eating disorders, etc) and the relationship between her father and mother was never good, so I just assumed she was a crackpot teenager and left it at that.

I got bored a few days ago and began Googling her name and there were multiple pages for "rape survivors." Just tons and tons of blogs, links to support websites, etc. Apparently she's very out in the open about it. The alleged rapist was her stepbrother, and supposedly this went on for eight years. DCF got involved according to all these blogs but no charges appeared to have been filed. The stepbrother is now in his early-mid 20s, has a criminal record for charges not pertaining to this, and is a deadbeat dad, according to what her father told my grandmother. The father never hears from his daughter, who is now 20.

We'll never know what actually happened and I'm not really interested in finding out much more, but I found out it odd how she wanted to write off the entirety of her dad's side of the family (he was an only child and the grandparents on that side are long dead, so her dad and possibly distant relatives are all that would be there), when not everyone had anything to do with what allegedly happened. Have you ever written off a large part of your family or been written off by them, and don't really understand why?
Well, she was raped for eight years by someone who was supposed to be "family", someone she was supposed to be able to trust. It may not be fair to you and everyone else on her dad's side of the family but it's understandable if she now has trust issues with family members, especially men. Was this her stepbrother from her dad's second wife, or from her mom's second husband? Because if it was on her dad's side, that makes even more sense why she would want to cut off all relation to anyone on that side of her family. Not that you deserve it, but probably anyone on that side of her family reminds her of her dad, who she now probably has some major issues with, whether deserved or not (probably feels betrayed by him because he's the one who brought her rapist into her life and failed to protect her from him - maybe she even told him about it and he didn't believe her). I think when someone goes through an extremely traumatic event like that (especially repeatedly), you have to give them the benefit of the doubt and be understanding of the fact that not keeping you in her life is not necessarily a reflection on you, it's just something she has to do for herself.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-05-2015, 09:56 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,572 posts, read 17,544,804 times
Reputation: 27635
Quote:
Originally Posted by PA2UK View Post
Well, she was raped for eight years by someone who was supposed to be "family", someone she was supposed to be able to trust. It may not be fair to you and everyone else on her dad's side of the family but it's understandable if she now has trust issues with family members, especially men. Was this her stepbrother from her dad's second wife, or from her mom's second husband? Because if it was on her dad's side, that makes even more sense why she would want to cut off all relation to anyone on that side of her family. Not that you deserve it, but probably anyone on that side of her family reminds her of her dad, who she now probably has some major issues with, whether deserved or not (probably feels betrayed by him because he's the one who brought her rapist into her life and failed to protect her from him - maybe she even told him about it and he didn't believe her). I think when someone goes through an extremely traumatic event like that (especially repeatedly), you have to give them the benefit of the doubt and be understanding of the fact that not keeping you in her life is not necessarily a reflection on you, it's just something she has to do for herself.
The alleged rapist was from the stepmom's first husband. He was maybe a year or two older than her, so that would have made him 10-11 when all this started. The fact that this supposedly went on for eight years and no one ever noticed seems very odd.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-05-2015, 11:35 AM
 
Location: Colorado (PA at heart)
8,897 posts, read 13,651,876 times
Reputation: 11530
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emigrations View Post
The alleged rapist was from the stepmom's first husband. He was maybe a year or two older than her, so that would have made him 10-11 when all this started. The fact that this supposedly went on for eight years and no one ever noticed seems very odd.
It's entirely possible for a boy that age to begin sexually assaulting. When I was about 11 or 12 I was at a resort and went swimming with a friend. There was a boy there we didn't know, who was about 8 or 9. He kept swimming up to us and trying to grope my breasts and crotch. Of course I was older and bigger than him so I simply pushed him away, got out of the pool and walked away. But had the ages been reversed, had he not been a stranger I could easily walk away from, but someone I had to live with? Who knows, it very well could have gone beyond groping. The point is, it would be very naive to assume that just because he hasn't reached sexual maturity, it means he's incapable of sexual assault or rape. It's a known medical fact that even prepubescent boys can get an erection.

And sexual molestation within the family often goes unnoticed for many, many years. Perhaps before you go around judging a situation you admittedly know very little about, you should educate yourself about the history and reality of such cases.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-05-2015, 11:51 AM
 
12,540 posts, read 12,520,666 times
Reputation: 28901
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emigrations View Post
We'll never know what actually happened and I'm not really interested in finding out much more, but I found out it odd how she wanted to write off the entirety of her dad's side of the family (he was an only child and the grandparents on that side are long dead, so her dad and possibly distant relatives are all that would be there), when not everyone had anything to do with what allegedly happened. Have you ever written off a large part of your family or been written off by them, and don't really understand why?

It's only odd if you can't read between the lines: They were probably unsupportive of her or didn't believe her, and it's probably too painful and stressful for her to deal with any of them because they probably only serve as reminders of a very dark time in her life. I'd write them off, too.

But to answer your question, yes. I wrote off all the born-again Christians on my father's side because they are a bunch of hypocrites. Most of my cousins are former addicts or criminals who traded one addiction (drugs or booze) for another (Jesus), and they love to pretend to be these paragons of holy virtue. I've written off two sisters, as well, one for being a malignant narcissist and sociopath, and the other for being a petty, jealous beyotch.

DNA really doesn't mean anything. I don't understand why people put up with toxicity from others just because they're related.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-05-2015, 06:24 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,025 posts, read 17,335,191 times
Reputation: 41308
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emigrations View Post
The fact that this supposedly went on for eight years and no one ever noticed seems very odd.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PA2UK View Post
And sexual molestation within the family often goes unnoticed for many, many years. Perhaps before you go around judging a situation you admittedly know very little about, you should educate yourself about the history and reality of such cases.
I am aware of a situation where an older brother was responsible for babysitting his mildly cognitively delayed sister after school. When she was old enough to not need a babysitter they were still alone in the house for several hours every afternoon. He sexual abused her almost eight years before it was discovered by chance (mother came home early from work and literally "caught him in the act.") Apparently, the brother threatened to kill his sister if she told anyone and she believed him. The family (and others) realized later, to their horror, that there were "signs" of abuse that were overlooked.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-05-2015, 06:51 PM
 
399 posts, read 548,081 times
Reputation: 702
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emigrations View Post
I have some fairly distant relatives (grandfather's great niece and her father, grandfather's nephew) who used to come see my grandfather at least once a year before he died in 2009. The father was divorced from the kid's mother and had married another woman who already two children, then they had two more - five total. There was always some tension with the kids, but they came up frequently to visit. We never knew of any problems and they seemed like a picture perfect family.

The daughter wanted to come to the funeral in 2009 (she was 15 then), but her mother wouldn't allow it. She did manage to come see my grandmother in 2010 when she came to see her own grandparents, as they lived close by. I don't think we've seen her since. Sometime around 2009, it appeared her mother ended up getting custody full-time.

I added her on Facebook a couple years back and she was always asking if my parents and me were in cahoots with her father in a very hostile tone. We were never that close to her dad to begin with (neither was my grandmother), though we were friends on Facebook. Eventually she shut her Facebook down completely.

I texted her and she said she felt "very uncomfortable" around people on her dad's side of the family, but wouldn't go into details and eventually stopped responding. My grandmother tried calling her periodically, but never got a response.

The girl had some serious mental issues (suicidality, eating disorders, etc) and the relationship between her father and mother was never good, so I just assumed she was a crackpot teenager and left it at that.

I got bored a few days ago and began Googling her name and there were multiple pages for "rape survivors." Just tons and tons of blogs, links to support websites, etc. Apparently she's very out in the open about it. The alleged rapist was her stepbrother, and supposedly this went on for eight years. DCF got involved according to all these blogs but no charges appeared to have been filed. The stepbrother is now in his early-mid 20s, has a criminal record for charges not pertaining to this, and is a deadbeat dad, according to what her father told my grandmother. The father never hears from his daughter, who is now 20.

We'll never know what actually happened and I'm not really interested in finding out much more, but I found out it odd how she wanted to write off the entirety of her dad's side of the family (he was an only child and the grandparents on that side are long dead, so her dad and possibly distant relatives are all that would be there), when not everyone had anything to do with what allegedly happened. Have you ever written off a large part of your family or been written off by them, and don't really understand why?

People may write off the whole family even if only one was abusive because it is hard to deal with people who are friends with your persecutor. It may feel as though they condone it, don't think its a big deal, don't believe you etc.
It can be very hurtful to have family that looks the other way when you were abused by one of them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-06-2015, 11:38 AM
 
238 posts, read 118,974 times
Reputation: 412
It will soon be 10 years since my Mother passed, and though she was the parent I loved the most, those relatives on her side were always the testy, toxic ones to put up with, and it came to a head the night before her funeral, when her brother started talking smack about some job she had, before I was born, and the circumstances of her leaving it...I could not believe for one second what he was saying, Mother would not keep such a thing a secret if it were fact, and I told him so, and that only made him get more defensive than ever.

I completely lost it, and told him not to show up for the funeral, he didn't, and we've never spoken again since, but he did go crying to the family about our fight, and they sided with him.

My Mother was raised with the ideology "you've got to love your family", but I believe it must have meant "even if they don't love you".

I miss my Mother, but not having to put up with those relatives on her side was a new-found freedom.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-07-2015, 07:19 AM
 
1,242 posts, read 1,255,520 times
Reputation: 3643
Yes, I've written off the maternal side of my family. I was never very close and most of them are thieves, addicts and backstabbers anyway so I don't see a point in trying to get close to build something that was never there.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top