when to speak up for yourself- is it too late? (person, present)
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I'm feeling some contradiction in different ways to deal with things. On one hand, I hear people say to speak up for yourself when you disagree with someone- so it doesn't fester and make you bitter. For example, in a recent thread of mine about people dissing something pertaining to you to your face w/o knowing, most people said they would say something instead of not letting that person know.
But when it comes to things in the past, I'm told writing a letter and then not sending it (but instead throw in a river, burn it, etc) will help let it go.
Well, I tried the letter thing and it has done nothing. I really feel that telling these people the truth about certain matters in which they harmed us because they didn't know or believe the truth would feel better.
Those of you who have said to speak up in the moment are probably right- and I'm working on that.
But does it have to be in that moment when you speak up for yourself?
what do you want to accomplish by speaking out? do you want an apology? will it make you feel better? will it change anything? will the other person care? figure out why you want to speak up and what it will accomplish. sometimes the people you want to tell are either too dense or lack the compassion to really care. all it will do in that case is make you more mad.
I think I want them to know the truth- clear the air of the lies from my m-i-l. Also, I guess I want them to be aware of all the harm it did to our family. idk why though....
It's been really hard living with all the hate toward us when they are wrong about who we really are and what our true intentions are, and things that they thought about us that aren't true.
But, I don't even know if they would read a letter, or believe it, and then what anyway?? I don't want a relationship with them.
I just want to feel some release of the junk inside me.
For example, in a recent thread of mine about people dissing something pertaining to you to your face w/o knowing, most people said they would say something instead of not letting that person know.
Well yeah.
In that thread - titled "Clueless people dissing you to your face w/o knowing " - you were berated others (calling them clueless) who you apparently expected to be mind readers. They cannot know your situation unless they are told, and one way to tell them is for you to speak up.
You need to come to terms with why things from the past are having such a hold over your present.
Once you identify WHY - then it may not feel so important to "set the record straight."
I grew up around people who felt it was necessary to rehash things over and over and hold people responsible -- and an apology was never enough. They were damaged goods -- b/c they couldn't get over things.
It took me some time to realize that since I had grown up like that, I didn't have to follow that same patterns. Once I learned to face that none of us has any control over WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY ABOUT US . . . it really helped me get past giving a rat's ass.
You see, if someone has decided to gossip about us, or exaggerate things, or flat out lie . . . and they haven't bothered to get the TRUTH from us directly . . . that is because they have an agenda. They are trying to demonize us, or separate us from others in the circle (by making us sound like "bad people") . . . And those are not our issues. That is the issue of the person doing the gossiping or choosing to misrepresent us or a situation we were involved in.
So you can't change that! You can't change a person who is out to "do you in" with other people. And if the others who are listening to the lies actually cared one way or the other, they would either find out the truth or they would just ignore the BS coming from the gossipy person.
Let it go. Be yourself. Stop engaging in someone else's game.
I think I want them to know the truth- clear the air of the lies from my m-i-l. Also, I guess I want them to be aware of all the harm it did to our family. idk why though....
It's been really hard living with all the hate toward us when they are wrong about who we really are and what our true intentions are, and things that they thought about us that aren't true.
But, I don't even know if they would read a letter, or believe it, and then what anyway?? I don't want a relationship with them.
I just want to feel some release of the junk inside me.
There is nothing you can do about people who choose to see the worst in what you do. Nothing.
To be honest, seeing the worst in what I say or do, I consider crossing boundaries with me. I will apologize once for any misunderstandings, provide an explanation and then it will be time to move on. If the other party cannot accept this, we have no business being in a relationship because, as I said, a boundary has been crossed.
However, I am concerned about some of the language you are using: "lies from my MIL, harm it did to us, hate toward us, they are wrong." In my book, this is crossing boundaries because you are seeing the worst in the other party. Once you cross boundaries, you cannot have a relationship. It doesn't matter who started it.
I wouldn't bother saying anything if you are going to see the worst in them. Just stay away.
Say something when the drama is unfolding, or deal with in another way. No one wants to--or will--listen to you discuss ancient history, water under the bridge. If something is bothering you, it's your problem. The other players may not care and are sleeping well at night. You're going to have to figure out what works for you.
I'm feeling some contradiction in different ways to deal with things. On one hand, I hear people say to speak up for yourself when you disagree with someone- so it doesn't fester and make you bitter. For example, in a recent thread of mine about people dissing something pertaining to you to your face w/o knowing, most people said they would say something instead of not letting that person know.
But when it comes to things in the past, I'm told writing a letter and then not sending it (but instead throw in a river, burn it, etc) will help let it go.
Well, I tried the letter thing and it has done nothing. I really feel that telling these people the truth about certain matters in which they harmed us because they didn't know or believe the truth would feel better.
Those of you who have said to speak up in the moment are probably right- and I'm working on that.
But does it have to be in that moment when you speak up for yourself?
Not necessarily. The key is to know when to speak and when not to. People's mouths can get them into unnecessary trouble.
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