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I don't have kids or siblings, so maybe I've got a different perspective, but this "love hierarchy" idea seems pretty ridiculous to me. What does it even mean? Who you would save in a zombie apocalypse? Who you wouldn't mind being trapped in a room with for a few days? How far you would go for someone or to what degree you'd inconvenience yourself?
I can't say all the people in my life are equally important to me, but each relationship has its nuances.
Whose death would affect me the most? Well, that could get very surprising - I never know how I'm going to react. My grandmother died and I shrugged it off because she was old and ill and if she lived much longer, she was going to truly have a lot of suffering to deal with (she died from complications from a broken hip, but had recently been diagnosed with late stage cancer). The emotional fallout from that hit me not because of her death but because of the turmoil it caused with other relatives. I was actually weirdly happy about the way that she had died simply because I'd seen elderly people die from metastatic cancer and I was glad she wouldn't go through that. That said, I am positively haunted by the deaths of some of the people on the extreme peripheries of my social circle, just because I know they were very loved and worthy of love and they died tragically young.
Beyond prioritizing the welfare of the children in your life above all things (with your own children at the top), I'd say every other relationship waxes and wanes and that hierarchy is never stable.
And unconditional love? I think that's an effed up and overly simplistic concept. I'm estranged from a young relative who was once very close to me, perhaps the closest thing I'll ever have to a kid of my own. She's just not a mentally healthy person, and at her core, I don't think she's a good person. She's out of my life, but I don't hate her. I just have her at an emotional distance. If she asked for my help to change, I'd be there in a heartbeat. That's not unconditional love though - that's something I'd do for anyone who had been a beloved part of my life.
I'd drop everything to go help my parents if they had a health issue or something, but that's not really love so much as it is obligation. I mean, I love them both dearly, but I don't particularly LIKE them a lot of the time. They did a decent job of raising me, and I appreciate that more than words.
And as for pets, well, that's a different thing from my human relationships entirely, not even comparable because it's just DIFFERENT. I won't even classify it as more or less important - just different.
Yeah, I don't think love can be put in a hierarchy unless it's the kids in your life and then everything else. But honestly, kinda like with the pets, I just think that's entirely different in some ways, a whole different level. It's a different kind of love.
I'm handicapped in that I was never taught love by my parents. Therefore I never loved them. I did however learn to love animals at a very young age. I tend to put them above people in the hierarchy because that's my comfort zone. There are also a lot of kids in my life that are high on the list and other people as well. The dynamics constantly change according to need. Some people are placed above animals some friends have animals that I prefer to be with when I visit them. I was with a couple of girlfriends on Sunday and the noise was over whelming. Granted I just about woke up from doing a double on nights, but I needed some quiet time in a chair with my friends dog. I withdrew and had some quality time with a real sweet little fellow. Sometimes my life revolves around the kids in my life and they are quite frequently the highest on the list, but by fat the only one that will ever be on the top of that list is my John. The love of my life now and forever.
put yourself on the top of all those lists,,,if you cant love/accept yourself,,,you cant of others
I'm going with this one. Be good to yourself, love others like you'd want to be loved, but I don't think any hierarchy or list is necessary. And all children deserve love no matter what or who.
Nieces, nephews, cousins, and pets above siblings and parents?? Pets really?
No kidding. There is no way I'm having a dang-blanged dot, cat, ferret, snake or whatever on even the same planet as a human being. That's just nuts, I'm sorry.
For me, my wife comes first over everybody, even our children, even our parents. Then there's our children. Then our parents and our closest of friends come next. From there there's nieces/nephews, aunt-uncles etc. Even casual "hi, how are you, I'm fine" people you just say hi to when you see them and nothing more will outrank my pets, because they're PEOPLE.
No, no human being is flawless, and some flaws are so hideous they repulse love.
If there were a person capable of unconditional love, I would feel that person had no values.
As for hierarchies, I think they are natural to most of the things we like and dislike in life. But they change over time and with circumstances.
I am not sure about your feelings here. Most of us strongly desire unconditional love from someone, who is usually a spouse, or might be a parent or sibling. Possibly this might take place between very good friends.
One of the best things about a good marriage is the unconditional love between life partners--when it happens. You give it and you receive it. As parents, we have given unconditional love to our children. I believe we receive it from them. I do think this love grows from experience though.
One of the harder lessons I had to learn was to forgive my kids for having my own personal faults, as I saw them. This was an exercise in unconditional love for me. If one of my kids had been born with a physical defect, I would have had the same love for him or her as for my normal kids. I am sure there are other parents out there who have experienced this. The love for the child is simply there, and not conditioned on anything except parental love.
Surely you have not predicated your love to your children upon their actions, or characteristics?
But don't you want unconditional love from someone? Your parents, children or spouse?
No, that opens up a can or worms.
I would not expect my spouse or children to love me no matter what I did or how I treated them.
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