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Old 02-26-2015, 06:34 PM
 
7,413 posts, read 6,213,926 times
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Depends on what you want. No one can tell you that. However, if you are leaning toward not talking to him, make sure you don't make yourself feel guilty over it. I don't see an obligation at all.
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Old 02-26-2015, 06:59 PM
 
225 posts, read 393,953 times
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Put yourself first. If you are in a good place now what can your father do it enhance it? After the story you just told I would leave things as they are.
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Old 02-26-2015, 07:37 PM
 
6,752 posts, read 5,459,040 times
Reputation: 17599
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flavia84 View Post
My father divorced my mother when I was 6.

While they were married, he was cheating on her and also beat her up.

Since he left, he was always too busy for me. He would visit me about once in 2 weeks and I felt like it was just to get it over with.

I missed him like crazy and was crying when he said he'd come visit and never showed up. I'd call and he wouldn't pick up the phone or just say "do you need money again? How much?" He would give my mom a small amount of money every month, which allowed her to survive and I am thankful for that.

When I grew up, he bought me my first car and paid 10K for college. He said he's doing it so that I can make money and he can retire early. He would invite me over to his house because "he needed help with his work" (I would translate documents for him). He wouldn't invite me just because he missed me and wanted to spend time with me.

I didn't do well in college because of a lot of things going on at home, suffering from a depression. He then told me that he was disappointed in me (when I needed him the most during the most difficult time in my life)

Once he was telling me how he is stressed out about his job because he has "two kids to feed". Well, the two kids were from his second marriage, so I guess he didn't even count me as his kid...

I stopped calling him two years ago when I realized that he wasn't really a father to me. My mom and grandparents raised me.

Now that I am doing much better in all aspects of life he is trying to get in touch now and I don't know what I should do. He was never there for me emotionally but at the same token he did buy a car and paid for school. What should I do? Should I give him the benefit of a doubt? Ingore him? Tell him all about himself? Repay the money?
Only YOU can decide, I wouldn't even dare to judge the situation because I don't really know how it all affected you.

I know FOR MY OWN peace of mind, and to be the "better person", I have forgiven my father for abusiveness while growing up and the fact that I am NOT THE favored child. My parents gave my brother everything, money to buy a house, to buy investment properties, set him up in business, and etc. I got NOTHING...not even when I was down and out on social services due to medical disabilty that nearly killed me and drained all my finances. NOT ONE PENNY. Even now, my father knows he used the money in a "not so fair manner", but he hasn't given me anything yet. WIth my brother out of the pic now, he has only one choce for a child to look after him in his lonely old age: ME.
Guess what I will do? I will do it without expecting anything, because to MY peace of mind, I am doing the right thing and am the "better person" for it.

People need to get over "owing someone" something or feeling "owed" something, and all parents in one form or another are a disappointemnt to a child; and all children one way or another are a disappointement to a parent! Get over it, people. You'll feel a whole lot better if you do!

Do NOT pay back the money. He gave it probably to alleviate his guilt. Let it be.
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Old 02-26-2015, 07:48 PM
 
154 posts, read 260,856 times
Reputation: 190
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flavia84 View Post
My father divorced my mother when I was 6.

While they were married, he was cheating on her and also beat her up.

Since he left, he was always too busy for me. He would visit me about once in 2 weeks and I felt like it was just to get it over with.

I missed him like crazy and was crying when he said he'd come visit and never showed up. I'd call and he wouldn't pick up the phone or just say "do you need money again? How much?" He would give my mom a small amount of money every month, which allowed her to survive and I am thankful for that.

When I grew up, he bought me my first car and paid 10K for college. He said he's doing it so that I can make money and he can retire early. He would invite me over to his house because "he needed help with his work" (I would translate documents for him). He wouldn't invite me just because he missed me and wanted to spend time with me.

I didn't do well in college because of a lot of things going on at home, suffering from a depression. He then told me that he was disappointed in me (when I needed him the most during the most difficult time in my life)

Once he was telling me how he is stressed out about his job because he has "two kids to feed". Well, the two kids were from his second marriage, so I guess he didn't even count me as his kid...

I stopped calling him two years ago when I realized that he wasn't really a father to me. My mom and grandparents raised me.

Now that I am doing much better in all aspects of life he is trying to get in touch now and I don't know what I should do. He was never there for me emotionally but at the same token he did buy a car and paid for school. What should I do? Should I give him the benefit of a doubt? Ingore him? Tell him all about himself? Repay the money?
Maybe you all can go to a therapist together so that you can move forward. You sound like you have a lot of resentment towards him justly so but it won't go away on its on and it may hinder you all developing a relationship in the future. I say only you can decide how when and to what extent you allow him back in your life
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Old 02-26-2015, 09:21 PM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
19,719 posts, read 16,779,154 times
Reputation: 41863
As was said, only you can make that decision, but, from the way you describe your relationship, I think he is more toxic to you than beneficial. Just because a man impregnates a woman it doesn't make him a Father. Sounds like he had minimal contact with you over the years, and although he did pay for some of your expenses, he was not there in the ways that really count.

As much as it hurts, sometimes it is better to just distance ourselves from people like him. I also agree that for some reason deadbeat/not-in-the-picture Fathers want to reestablish a relationship with their kids later in life.........and that is sometimes too late.

Good luck.

Don
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Old 02-26-2015, 10:15 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
30,585 posts, read 25,046,354 times
Reputation: 50796
I think you have to ask yourself why you would want a relationship with him. In fact, I'm wondering why right now. If you can't name a reason, then I'd have to say be distant, but polite. I don't think you owe him anything. Did he pay you for your translations? It is perfectly normal to pay college bills of children.

If you are feeling some sort of guilt about your relationship, then I'd get that sorted out in my head before proceeding. If you are angry, then I'd wonder what point there would be in spending time with him.

He doesn't sound like the type who wants a warm relationship with you. And if he really does, he should after all this time, say so directly. If he hasn't, then I'd doubt that he does.

Good luck to you.
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Old 02-26-2015, 11:14 PM
 
Location: State of Superior
8,733 posts, read 15,907,904 times
Reputation: 2869
Quote:
Originally Posted by don1945 View Post
As was said, only you can make that decision, but, from the way you describe your relationship, I think he is more toxic to you than beneficial. Just because a man impregnates a woman it doesn't make him a Father. Sounds like he had minimal contact with you over the years, and although he did pay for some of your expenses, he was not there in the ways that really count.

As much as it hurts, sometimes it is better to just distance ourselves from people like him. I also agree that for some reason deadbeat/not-in-the-picture Fathers want to reestablish a relationship with their kids later in life.........and that is sometimes too late.

Good luck.

Don
Don't pass judgement so quickly, you do not know the whole story, there always is two sides, two stories. You are only hearing one side, and from what it seems , a lot of water has gone under the bridge, a lot of years and a lot of negative feelings........unless he is a serial killer, I would try to keep the door open, like it or not, it's the only father you got, and that applies too us all. Been there myself, I can reflect on a less than grateful child, but nothing's gained by bringing up old wounds and mistakes, I know and it's a sad place to be when 50 years have gone by.....
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Old 02-27-2015, 05:08 AM
 
Location: Backwoods of Maine
7,488 posts, read 10,460,988 times
Reputation: 21470
1) Do you love him as your father?
2) Do you feel that he loves you as a son?

If the answer to either is "no", than I would pass on this. Don't worry about his old age - he has 2 other kids who probably owe him a whole lot more than you do. This guy is/was not your father; he was just the guy who slept with your mother.

- Father of 2, grandfather of 6
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Old 02-27-2015, 05:19 AM
 
51,620 posts, read 25,691,824 times
Reputation: 37806
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eazine View Post

If it wasn't a loan don't pay him back. I'd consider a consolation gift for getting stuck with a chitty deadbeat dad. If he asks about the money back, then you'll know why he really reached out.

Agree.

Hard to say what his reasons are for reaching out now, but I doubt it was a sudden desire to be the father he wished he'd been all along.

One of our neighbors abandoned his wife and kids when they were young and showed back up when they were grown wanting to walk them down the aisle and be all buddy buddy with them.

The kids all were polite but went on with their lives. He had not been a part of that for some many years it was easy enough to do.

Figure out what amount of contact you are up for and stick with that.

Don't get your hopes up.
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Old 02-27-2015, 05:21 AM
 
51,620 posts, read 25,691,824 times
Reputation: 37806
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nor'Eastah View Post
1) Do you love him as your father?
2) Do you feel that he loves you as a son?

If the answer to either is "no", than I would pass on this. Don't worry about his old age - he has 2 other kids who probably owe him a whole lot more than you do. This guy is/was not your father; he was just the guy who slept with your mother.

- Father of 2, grandfather of 6
Agree.

His old age is his problem not yours.
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