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Do you know anyone who did very bad, purposely hurtful things to others? I mean seriously bad? Like falsely accusing of sex abuse to blackmail someone? or lying about things that changed someones life and then, many years later- after the person spent much money on them- tells them the truth?
Someone who calls another's employer with complaints just to get them fired? Harrasses her sister to the point she attempts suicide?
Now that person 'changes'. Everyone else now loves them and says how wonderful they are. And the previous victims are expected to just forget everything that was done to them and welcome her into their life.
?
You're wrong. The victim is NOT expected to forget the bad stuff happened. Where did you get that from?
People can change and sometimes they get a "second chance."
The victim can't undo what happened regardless of what happens to the perpetrator. The victim will have to learn to deal and find peace in one of life's bad moments.
Do you know anyone who did very bad, purposely hurtful things to others? I mean seriously bad? Like falsely accusing of sex abuse to blackmail someone? or lying about things that changed someones life and then, many years later- after the person spent much money on them- tells them the truth?
Someone who calls another's employer with complaints just to get them fired? Harrasses her sister to the point she attempts suicide?
Now that person 'changes'. Everyone else now loves them and says how wonderful they are. And the previous victims are expected to just forget everything that was done to them and welcome her into their life.
?
I don't give second chances generally. Once a liar/predator/villian, always a liar/predator/villian. I get mad when people tell me that some vile mofo has changed for the better and I'm supposedly a bad person for not giving them a second chance. No, **** them, once a *****, always a *****.
People can change, and I am generally a very forgiving person.
But I don't think somebody should be truly forgiven unless they at least make an attempt to make amends with those they have hurt. Somebody can talk all they want about how bad they feel about stealing from somebody or raping someone, but if they really do feel bad about what they did, they should try to find the people they hurt and try to make it up to them. (And if they don't know who their victims are, find some other way to make up for it, like helping similar victims or volunteering.)
This is one problem I have with modern Christianity's concept of forgiveness. The churches preach that God will forgive you of your sins if you repent, but do they really believe he would forgive those who don't repent to those they have sinned against?
You do something to me, there will only be animosity. I don't care what kind of repentance you've done. The first chance I get, I will find a way to.get you
People can change, and I am generally a very forgiving person.
But I don't think somebody should be truly forgiven unless they at least make an attempt to make amends with those they have hurt. Somebody can talk all they want about how bad they feel about stealing from somebody or raping someone, but if they really do feel bad about what they did, they should try to find the people they hurt and try to make it up to them. (And if they don't know who their victims are, find some other way to make up for it, like helping similar victims or volunteering.)
This is one problem I have with modern Christianity's concept of forgiveness. The churches preach that God will forgive you of your sins if you repent, but do they really believe he would forgive those who don't repent to those they have sinned against?
This!! ^^
I had a manager who was bipolar and mistreated those of us in her department; it was a very hostile work environment. At one point she must have finally gotten on the right meds as she mellowed out and as new people joined our dept she did an about-face and came off as Mother Teresa (to the new people). Not once did she ever approach those of use she'd mistreated and apologize. I may have forgiven her, but will never forget.
People use those two words in the same sentence: forgive and forget. You may forgive, but you'll never forget.
Bad things happen to good people.
Not all who do bad things are bad people.
There is a very OLD, OLD saying: "Life is 50% what hapens to you, and 50% how you deal with it {handle it}".
NOw, I am trying to dimish what a "damaged person {victim} goes through", but they have a choice on how they deal with it.
They can, for instance, forgive the wrongdoer, and begin to heal.
OR, They may NOT forgive the wrongdoer and never heal.
The Amish in Pennsylvania had a guy go into their school and blow away half the students {children} with a gun, and they IMMEDIATELY offered "forgiveness" to the perpetrator so they coud begin to heal as a community. A peacefull, loving, God fearing people who never asked for harm to come to them. IF THEy can do it, so can a "victim" of any circumstances. Other school shootings there are still victims who won't or aren't healing, because they won't forgive.
It IS true the wrongdoer will get more accolades for "turning around their life", and the victims will often get "forgotten". But victims who take healing steps, don't get "forgotten". They can call attention to the problem,for example, become an advocate, and find healign through helping others in the similar boat. They won't forget what was done, but they learn to forgive, and begin a process of healing, which may last a lifetime.
If the victim has troubles they can seek professional help, which many perps do, where the perp learns the true error of their ways.
I have also seen cases where a perp has TRIED To "apologize and make ammends" to the victim, but the victim wants to stay a victim forever and won't let the perp offer ammends. Only the vicitm continues to make themselves a further victim then.
No, damage cannot often be undone, especially with an "I'm sorry", but the victim can take steps towards healing and refusal only harms them {the vicitm} further. But the wrongdoer seems to "win more" if the victim stays a victim and doesn't begin to heal.
What deos your Christian Bible say {for those who believe}, "turn the other cheek {that your enemy might strike it as well}"?? Matthew 5:39?: "But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. " OR KJV: "But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also."
So the next time someting happens, even or especially minor, think about how you react to it, and see if you can find it in your heart to forgive.
Your scenario reminds me of the prom queen who used to be on drugs or alcohol, went to rehab and is now clean. The newspaper article about her would read what a hero they are for overcoming adversity yet the normal girl who went through school without drugs or drinking gets no kudos for resisting peer pressure....Something is definitely backwards in my book!
I've been in situations in life and I am able to forgive what was done to me. That forgiveness is for me in part of my healing and because of my faith.
I've been trying to deal with emotional abuse from a toxic work environment. I walked out of the job that I loved, but hated the environment. I walked out because I caught my boss and asst. boss mocking me. I "dealt" with this child like environment for 11 years. I went for counseling for how to cope with this after I was there 2 years. It was my choice to stay because I'm uneducated and wouldn't find a job that paid what I was making, along with the great health benefits (they paid for), profit sharing and pension. I chose to stay and cope the best that I could. It was off & on. It was office politics and nepotism. We were all targets at one point or another.
I chose to walk away because the mockery was the "straw that broke the camels back". I felt like a new person after a week of being out of there. I was soooooo happy.
I called the credit union to have them take money out of my account to pay for my "Cobra" insurance. The person I talked to told me how sorry she felt for me and I asked why. She told me that my boss was telling people that I couldn't "cope" with my son's death and that's why I quit.
I took 2 weeks off when he died. I took sick leave in December because I did have a hard time "coping" my first Christmas without him. Work helped me get up every day. I would hold in my grief and cry when I got home. There were a few occasions at work that I'd go to the bathroom to cry & calm down. My coworkers told me how strong I was and they couldn't do what I did.
That lie was like taking a baseball bat and beating me so far down into the ground that I couldn't breathe. To use my grief as her scapegoat for her disgusting behavior is the lowest of all lows. This happened 18 mos. after my son died.
I wish to God I could forget it. I think it was easier to forgive my ex for beating me. I do believe in Karma and I hope I'm alive to hear about her getting hers.
I don't want to be anywhere near her. I'll never get an apology.
I was 52 when this happened and she was 33. She won't change until she experiences tragedy in her life.
I wish you the best in however you choose to handle your situation.
I'm not a victim. I was just stupid in believing she would keep me out of her garbage after he died.
Last edited by cam1957; 03-09-2015 at 06:02 AM..
Reason: spelling
While these examples don't make me any less likely to believe allegations of criminal wrongdoing, they do help to reinforce the notion that accused persons are innocent under the law until proven otherwise; I have never been one of those people willing to condemn an accused person based on unsubstantiated allegations alone.
That is exactly how I look at it! And what I feel I am doing. Just don't like being called bad for not having her in my life. It's my choice.
Anyone thinks you're "bad for not having her in your life" is ignorant. You can forgive (for your yourself), but you can never forget...and why should you? That would be folly on your part, and a good way to set yourself up for more deception, should she suddenly reverse back to the person she once was (and probably still really is). Did she ever apologize to you for the hurt she caused?..If not then she hasn't really changed anyways, so just remember, and don't trust her.
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