Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Am I the only one who feels like the one who makes all the effort in friendships? It seems that with most all of my friends, I am the one trying to make plans and see them. I have numerous "friends", but they are never the ones who call or text to make breakfast or drink plans. It's always me. The weekend approaches and I am the one making the plans and calling around seeing who wants to do what. When I am on breaks from work I try to make fun plans and I just realized...why am I the only one doing this? Am I being nitpicky by being bothered by this?
I have this friend who has proven time and time again to be pretty flaky but I enjoy her company and I assumed she enjoyed mine. I don't really know why I continue to try with her...she just canceled on pedicures and lunch because she can't see her kids this week but has to go the day we had plans. I understand kids are important, but it's always something. I'm kind of over the excuses even when they are perfectly good ones. I'm just tired of being let down. She said we could do something tomorrow and I suggested coffee. I have yet to hear from her and I probably won't.
I figure if I just stopped making the effort, I would probably never see any of my friends and that is just sad. I guess it's me, but I don't know what it is about me that seems to make people not really care. Thank God I have a boyfriend and family or I would be pretty freaking lonely.
sorry to hear about your experiences. i think in a lot of relationships there is one person who makes more effort than the other, for a variety of reasons. sounds like you are the more assertive planner amongst your friends. that's a good thing! but if that role doesn't work for you anymore, i'd stop pursuing get togethers, and if the friendships get lost b/c of that, that tells you those friendships weren't very strong to begin with.
Socializing just isn't that important to some people, especially as we get older.
My preference is to stay home and read a book or catch up on TV, so I never ask anyone to go somewhere. However, ever now and then I do like to see my friends, so am happy (and thankful) when they invite me out with them. I don't always take them up on the offer, though.
Maybe because you are always plan, they assume you've got something in mind? Idk. I don't do so well in the friend department, so i could be wriyng but it was a thought. Maybe if you back off for a week or two, they might come to you.
Yes, I have something in mind. It is usually something they like to do or that we like to do together. I think I will just back off and not make plans anymore. I'm tired of trying so hard for nothing, really...
Kids are much more important than a pedicure and I do not see that as an "excuse", it is a fact that she would rather spend time with her kids than spend time with you.
If you think you are always making the effort then stop making the effort and see what happens.
You may find out that those you thought were your "friends" are not as good of friends as you think they are.
Otherwise people have lives, responsibilities, families, home chores, overtime, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. etc.
Some people just do not have the time to go out with friends every weekend because they have adult responsibilities to tend to.
Are you suggesting I don't have those same responsibilities? I have an incredibly demanding career,I have my own place thus all the responsibilities needed to maintain a home, etc. However, I make the time for people who matter. I said in my original post that her kids are important. OF COURSE. The point I was trying to make is that it is always SOMETHING, whether it's being tired, having to work overtime, etc. etc. etc. I guess I didn't see until now what was right in front of my face. She doesn't really want to see me. Thank you for being so blunt. I guess that's what I needed. To feel like the ******* ��
Are you suggesting I don't have those same responsibilities? I have an incredibly demanding career,I have my own place thus all the responsibilities needed to maintain a home, etc. However, I make the time for people who matter. I said in my original post that her kids are important. OF COURSE. The point I was trying to make is that it is always SOMETHING, whether it's being tired, having to work overtime, etc. etc. etc. I guess I didn't see until now what was right in front of my face. She doesn't really want to see me. Thank you for being so blunt. I guess that's what I needed. To feel like the ******* ��
I hate to say, but it sounds like you may be reaching a transitional stage in life, when others of the same age are now dealing with more responsibilities themselves, and depending upon personality, are less likely to socialize.
I know for me, I recall getting pretty tired from overtime and everything else to take care of. I looked forward to when I "didn't need to be anywhere" and have always valued "alone time". If there happened to be a long weekend.. who-hoo. People are different and because of that, it gets confusing, due to expectations.
If others would just know enough about themselves, as I learned, was to generally NOT make plans, preferring spontaneity. This way, I would not let anyone down. I think at the time, some may think "yeah, sure..we can get together", but as the time nears, realize a lot has been going on, have agreed to too much and need a rest. (Of course, some things are definite, like dates, a celebration of some sort).
It is nice that you are able to make the effort to organize and maybe others don't appreciate it, but I think planning does not work and your friends need to take a look at themselves and be direct with you. Then, if you need to be with people on weekends, maybe find another outlet to satisfy that need or another like yourself to do these things with. You mentioned a boyfriend - with all this, when do you see him?
Am I the only one who feels like the one who makes all the effort in friendships?
You're not the only one, which is why I have minimal friends at the moment. And life is so much easier. My husband is my best friend, the others are just acquaintances who I hang out with time to time.
I do have 1 friend who I have been rather close with recently, and I find I'm distancing myself from her more & more lately. She is a flake, like your friend...accept she has no kids, no spouse, no boyfriend, but always some crazy excuse for not showing up. When we make plans, I have decide the when & where. Yet...she is always posting on facebook about fun stuff she's doing with other people (day at the spa, some flower show, this or that). So, I haven't been suggesting any plans lately because I'm tired of the crap.
Funny, she hasn't tried to make plans recently, until Saturday night, when she texted me at 8pm. To me that says 'my other plans fell through so now I'm trying you.' Luckily I was all snuggled on the couch with my hubby.
I figure if I just stopped making the effort, I would probably never see any of my friends and that is just sad. I guess it's me, but I don't know what it is about me that seems to make people not really care.
When they show up to hangout with you, even then you are not seeing your "friends" because they are not your friends. Real friends don't treat you like this. You are being too available, pushy & have low self esteem so they are treating you with disrespect. When they cancel once or twice, you should stop making plans with them & let them initiate a plan. See if they stick to it & if they don't, you shouldn't even bother calling them friends. You wouldn't cancel on your friends at the last minute & you should expect the same behavior from them. Don't feel bad about it. We have all been there. I had a friend like that who would invite me to a planned event at the last minute or call to apologize after the event saying she had emailed me the invite but I never received anything. I never went to her last minute invites as it was disrespectful. I am busy & I have to plan ahead. If she cannot respect my time then she doesn't deserve my friendship. I stopped taking her calls & we just stayed facebook friends. It shows you are not a priority in someone's life & they are taking you for granted. If you wouldn't treat a person badly then you should take a stand when you are being treated like that. It doesn't matter whom you lose in the process. Atleast you will have some dignity. Don't be a charity case. Hang out with people who value your friendship. Don't hang on to a handful of people thinking you cant do better so you have to put up with them. Go out on your own, start conversations with people at the coffee shop, library, start a new hobby, take some classes, join a book club, go to a meetups. There are so many things you can do to make new friends. Try not repeating the pattern of being too available. Let others make plans & see how they behave with you. No need to throw a tantrum if you are being disrespected. Just act cool & ignore their calls in the future saying you are busy. They will get the message. If you value yourself & your time, people will treat you with respect. Best way to do that is to have a full life & staying busy.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
