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I'm pretty sure she loves me, and wants the best for me. Unfortunately, she was just a lousy parent...It's just odd and complicated because I'm closer to her than anyone else, but I don't like her. At all.
You just said it right there.
You don't hate your mother. You don't like her BF, her cats, or her ideas. Or her BF's ideas. You don't even like HER, or what she's become. But you do love her. You don't need therapy, so don't waste your money. "Like" and "love" are two different things; the latter is something we can't control, and the only one of the two emotions that would make us wish someone would die. "Like" never makes anyone wish that.
I sense a lot of anger and frustration from you. But what I'm about to tell you is the truth: someday, your mother really will die (hopefully, of old age). When that day comes, you will be devastated. Something that was a part of you all your life, will be gone. Don't ask me how I know.
OP, I think your feelings are completely normal considering the life you've had. No one should fault you for having emotional scars, continual mistrust, and lots of anger. Many of us have had similar experiences.
The question is, what are you going to do now? I don't mean, what are you going to do about your mother, but what are you going to do with your own life? Give the rest of it up to dealing with your baggage? Worry about whether or not it is okay to hate your mom? (Yep, it is okay!)
I think you need to learn to set some boundaries (emotional boundaries) in your relationship with mom and decide what is important for your own well being in order to move forward.
I don't like my mother, although I do feel sorry for her circumstances. It's taken some work, therapy, lots of self study and massive amounts of patience. Sometimes I actively hate her for failing to admit and apologize for her wrongs. But she's 79, so I have had to accept that it is not likely to happen. It is very possible to live a happy life and still not like your mother, or even have a relationship with her.
You still feel bound to your mother because you think she loves you in spite of her inability to properly express it. Start there. I'll bet you a gajillion dollars that your mom was abused much worse than you were. Not that it's a contest...but it could help you understand better.
I read some books that really helped:
When anger Hurts
and
Adult Children of Alcoholics
Even if your mom is not an alcoholic, you will find LOTS in that book about her inability to be emotionally available to you.
How? You know, I am pretty sick of everyone playing the "the stupid card" You could DM me. I made the comment That the guy was born in 1933. The OP can't change someone like this.. he made a manic plea and said he wasn't going to therapy-- so who cares.
He can read books and stay mad. Even if this guy was out of the picture, his mom would still be the way she is. So what's your point? And yeah, I am taking it the OP is gay.
Huh? What would that have to do with the price of eggs? Then again, don't answer that.
OP, what you feel is not all that unusual (even though society doesn't like to admit it). But you need to live your life. Pity her...but move on. You have a lot of living to do, and you're letting the abuse win twice if you continue to dwell on this.
OP, you don't need to love your mother. In fact, you don't even have to associate with her if you dislike her that much.
But to feel it necessary to mention TWICE in a not very long thread that you don't actually plan to kill her is pretty scary. You really, really need to get some professional help.
Huh? What would that have to do with the price of eggs? Then again, don't answer that.
OP, what you feel is not all that unusual (even though society doesn't like to admit it). But you need to live your life. Pity her...but move on. You have a lot of living to do, and you're letting the abuse win twice if you continue to dwell on this.
It doesn't. He has spent 32 years of his life in this vicious circle. It's time to get out of it. In 32 years, if a person is unsuccessful then something else needs to happen. Therapy isn't that bad of an idea and perhaps can alleviate this bondage. He needs to learn that she isn't going to change but he feels the issues have robbed him of his life.
Being that I grew up with 2 lovely parents who were awesome and supportive my whole life, and being that my dad passed away 3 years ago and left a gigantic hole in my heart from which I'll never recover and being that I would give up every material posession I have just to be able to talk to him again, I'd say - No I can't relate at all. My mom is very important to me and after what I went through losing my dad I'm sure I'll end up having a complete nervous breakdown and in need of a mental ward when I lose my mom. I can't even think about it because I can't handle it.
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