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Old 04-26-2015, 05:00 PM
 
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I'm a 44 year old male, no sibling. Growing up I usually highly contentious relationship with my mother. Her family -including her- has a long history of depression and anxiety, and diabetes. From about age 12, I've been convinced she should not have had children because of her mental and physical health issues. In early adulthood, we seemed to have reconciled, but for the past few years any fondness I felt for her has completely eroded and has now festered into disgust and hatred for her. Here are a few things that have happened:

My parents divorced about 25 years ago. About 15 years ago, my mom started dating a guy who's don't get along with. She moved in to his place about 12 years ago. My mom is fairly well-educated and liberal, but her boyfriend is an ignorant, judgmental redneck. My mom is 72, he's 82. When they first started dating, he was openly racist, but now keeps these view private because it bothers my mom. I'm pretty sure he's still racist, just not overtly. He also thinks it's terrible the same-sex marriage and marijuana are become socially acceptable.

Since we're so different and don't get along, and have had some conflicts, my mom's boyfriend no longer allows me to come over. He also keeps her on a figurative leash: He's very restrictive of how long she's allowed to be gone, and he won't let her come over to my area (she lives about 90 minutes away).

I know it's her life, and if she wants to be a in relationship with him, that's fine. But I've lost virtually all respect for her because she lets him dictate so much of her life. She's also admitted to me that, while they get along, she doesn't really feel much for him, and is primarily with him because he provides her with a comfortable living situation.

Over the course of living together, they've acquired about 12 cats, of age range 2-14 years. I'm baffled why anyone would do this, and disgusted that two persons their age would. They say they think of the cats as their children, which, to me, seems unbelievably effed up. Why would two persons who aged 72 and 82 want 'children', much less ersatz children in the form of cats?

Finally, my mom is completely financially inept. If something did happen to her, I'd be left with a huge mess to deal with. If something happened to her boyfriend, I'd also have the cats to deal with, which I don't want.

As a consequence of all this, I no longer feel any love, respect, or even attachment to my mother. In fact, at least once a day I find myself thinking something along the lines of, 'It'd be nice if something happened to her, and she just died. She's one of the most emotionally retarded and worthless persons who's ever lived, and I, and the world would be better off if she ceased to exist.'

I know this is really harsh, but this is genuinely how I feel; I want her to die sooner rather than later. Does anyone else harbor such animosity towards one of your parents?

Last edited by PanapolicRiddle; 04-26-2015 at 05:39 PM..
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Old 04-26-2015, 05:20 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PanapolicRiddle View Post
She's one of the most emotionally retarded and worthless persons who's ever lived, and I, and the world would be better off if she ceased to exist.
You're angry at your mother because she's made choices you disagree with. People do the things they do for a reason. She wants her comfort but she also wants to have a relationship with you.

I have my own mother issues because I was unloved by my parents as a child, but I can't relate to your bubbling white-hot rage because I have never wanted her dead. I simply don't care whether she is or not.
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Old 04-26-2015, 05:26 PM
 
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Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
I have my own mother issues because I was unloved by my parents as a child, but I can't relate to your bubbling white-hot rage because I have never wanted her dead. I simply don't care whether she is or not.
I wish it could be that simple. Unfortunately, since I don't have siblings, my parents are all I have. And just to be clear, I'm only talking about feelings; I'm not talking about acting on those feelings.
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Old 04-26-2015, 05:27 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PanapolicRiddle View Post
As a consequence of all this, I no longer feel any love, respect, or even attachment to my mother. In fact, at least once a day I find myself thinking something along the lines of, 'It'd be nice if something happened to her, and she just died. She's one of the most emotionally retarded and worthless persons who's ever lived, and I, and the world would be better off if she ceased to exist.'

I know this is really harsh, but this is genuinely how I feel; I want her to die sooner rather than later. Does anyone else harbor such animosity towards one of your parents?
No. You need help. You haven't said she treated you badly, you just don't agree with her choices. Have you offered her any alternatives to her boyfriend who provides her with a comfortable life? Or do you just judge?
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Old 04-26-2015, 05:36 PM
 
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My mom is a seriously mentally ill person. She was severely abusive to me and my siblings. She also, oddly, hooked up with a person I her old age who is racist and a total jerk.

But I don't hate her. That is too much energy. I don't wish her Ill. But I did extensive and long term therapy to cope with and recover from the abuse.

I don't fully know how I feel about her. I don't love her...or hate her...wish her dead...want bad things to happen. I don't want to see her again. I feel like there is no lack of forgiveness, although I have never "forgiven her". Once in a while, I do miss her...or who I wanter her to be.

I suggest looking into therapy. I imagine under the "hate" is a whole lot of pain. That can be healed.
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Old 04-26-2015, 05:37 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
No. You need help. You haven't said she treated you badly, you just don't agree with her choices. Have you offered her any alternatives to her boyfriend who provides her with a comfortable life? Or do you just judge?
Oh, I didn't mention that she was absolutely horrible to me growing up. There wasn't much physical abuse, but the psychological abuse was absolutely awful! Many times, she told me I was worthless, and that I'd never do anything significant, and made be feel guilty about doing things most kids do. I won't go into details, but she was just a terrible, terrible parent.

Re her boyfriend: What do you mean? I haven't imposed any restrictions on her, and he's completely unwilling to compromise, period. He won't even speak with me at all, so how is it even possible for us to come to a compromise?

Again, I'm just talking about feelings. Why should I love such an effed up person just because she happens to be my mother?
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Old 04-26-2015, 05:38 PM
 
Location: USA
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Wow! Harsh if you ask me just because you don't agree with her lifestyle choices.
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Old 04-26-2015, 05:41 PM
 
10,171 posts, read 7,073,627 times
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Originally Posted by HappyFarm34 View Post
Wow! Harsh if you ask me just because you don't agree with her lifestyle choices.
I think you had to read between the lines a bit. It sounds like there was quite a bit of emotional and psychological abuse, and maybe a reliance on the child...or a lack of letting her be a kid and do kid things because of her own physical issues.
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Old 04-26-2015, 05:53 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PanapolicRiddle View Post
Why should I love such an effed up person just because she happens to be my mother?
That I can relate to. I've asked that very question.

Some people need years of therapy to get over what was done to them as a child. Therapy helped me some. But it didn't address the social issues going forward.

Society expects us to love and respect both parents. I'm so envious of people who had a terrific father (like my husband had). They can't understand what it was like for us. They don't have much sympathy to offer since they just don't get it.

I've been lucky to find support groups for unloved children. I know there is help for people who were psychologically abused as children.
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Old 04-26-2015, 06:03 PM
 
1,721 posts, read 1,006,312 times
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Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
Society expects us to love and respect both parents. I'm so envious of people who had a terrific father (like my husband had). They can't understand what it was like for us. They don't have much sympathy to offer since they just don't get it.
It's difficult because even though I don't like her, I'm pretty sure she loves me, and wants the best for me. Unfortunately, she was just a lousy parent.

It's complicated because I'm really close to her even though I don't like her. She was always there growing up, while my father was gone for work quite a bit. Consequently, I originally developed more of attachment to her than to him. But now I like him much more than I like her, and have more of an understanding of why he left (he initiated the divorce), and I don't blame him at all.

It's just odd and complicated because I'm closer to her than anyone else, but I don't like her. At all.
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