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Thanks for posting this thread Utopian Slums. One size does not fit all and some people just don't deserve to be forgiven. I've heard it all before ranging from she was still your mother to she didn't deserve to have you as a daughter. In the end we are all entitled to feel the way we feel and should be able to do so without criticism from the peanut gallery. No one has the right to tell you how to feel. Mothers Day is a constant reminder to me of what I never had nor ever will have. It's also a reminder of the wonderful women in my life that have shared their shorties with me. Happy Mother's Day to all of you mother's out there and I'd better get busy with my Facebook messages and text. To my own mother? Rest in Peace but it's a relief that I will never have to deal with you ever again.
Thanks for posting this thread Utopian Slums. One size does not fit all and some people just don't deserve to be forgiven.
I'm surprised that people still don't get it. Forgiveness isn't about your mother or letting her off the hook. Forgiveness releases the child from the past.
When something is forgiven, it's over and done with.
Look at it this way. All of these people posting mother bashing posts are clearly indicating that they are still tied to the past and still retain some measure of pain.
Wouldn't one prefer to be done with all that stuff from the past? To be free? To have Mother's Day come and not feel one bad feeling or think one bad thought? You want that? Then forgive.
One popular definition of forgiveness: “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”
I don't know how old you are. However, the fact that you felt it necessary to even start this thread shows that you haven't really gotten over your issues with your mom.
If you cut her out of your life as you believe you have, then why do you care that some other people don't agree with a personal decision you made?
I grew up with a problematic mother also. I've done the mental/emotional work and I'm over it. I don't think about it to the point of needing to seek validation for my actions.
Bottom line: perhaps you still have more work to do. People think cutting off the person will solve all of the issues. It doesn't.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ipoetry
If you're thinking of your mom enough on Mother's Day that you need to publicly (but anonymously) trash her then you've got work yet to do like charlygal says. I didn't have the best of mothers and I don't have the best kid. I'm working, however, on being the best me.
Well, perhaps finding support with others is a better way to heal than burying one's issues and pretending they don't exist.
And honestly, for many of us, it's not the mother that's the problem any longer, it's the judgement others pass for not having a relationship with her.
I don't know how old you are. However, the fact that you felt it necessary to even start this thread shows that you haven't really gotten over your issues with your mom.
If you cut her out of your life as you believe you have, then why do you care that some other people don't agree with a personal decision you made?
I grew up with a problematic mother also. I've done the mental/emotional work and I'm over it. I don't think about it to the point of needing to seek validation for my actions.
Bottom line: perhaps you still have more work to do. People think cutting off the person will solve all of the issues. It doesn't.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyFarm34
This is how I feel.... At least she didn't leave me in a basket somewhere like some of the stories I hear in the news. Many of those babies end up dying.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ipoetry
If you're thinking of your mom enough on Mother's Day that you need to publicly (but anonymously) trash her then you've got work yet to do like charlygal says. I didn't have the best of mothers and I don't have the best kid. I'm working, however, on being the best me.
Comments like these are exactly why the article and original comment are necessary. We have a culture where motherhood is held in such high regard that even complete strangers feel comfortable telling you that you should forgive and forget, no matter how abusive your mother was or how much emotional baggage you struggle with because of it.
Do you know what it's like to grow up in this culture when you can't even trust your own mother? Then perhaps you're the ones who should hold off on passing judgment.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MKEastsider
Comments like these are exactly why the article and original comment are necessary. We have a culture where motherhood is held in such high regard that even complete strangers feel comfortable telling you that you should forgive and forget, no matter how abusive your mother was or how much emotional baggage you struggle with because of it.
Do you know what it's like to grow up in this culture when you can't even trust your own mother? Then perhaps you're the ones who should hold off on passing judgment.
Be a survivor, not a victim. The relationship between my mother and I is superficial. Growing up, she was abusive towards me, tearing me down instead of building me up, accusing me of doing things I didn't do....
We weren't allowed to talk about our issues and having disagreements between my siblings resulted in my mother playing referee usually siding with one of my younger siblings.
I rather choose not dwell on the past. It is what it is. Make Mother's Day special in your own way.
Comments like these are exactly why the article and original comment are necessary. We have a culture where motherhood is held in such high regard that even complete strangers feel comfortable telling you that you should forgive and forget, no matter how abusive your mother was or how much emotional baggage you struggle with because of it.
Do you know what it's like to grow up in this culture when you can't even trust your own mother? Then perhaps you're the ones who should hold off on passing judgment.
No, you've got it all wrong.
1. Like I mentioned, I've had a "not so perfect" mother. I completely 100% agree with you that motherhood should not be put on a pedestal. I call it the "motherhood myth." I certainly don't believe in that myth. Mothers are people too and they can be totally imperfect and downright awful.
2. I believe in forgiveness. Nowhere did I say forget. We can't forget. That stuff is a part of our past.
3. You made my point. Some people have emotional baggage. All I want is to see people free from that emotional baggage. Can you see my intent? It's a positive intent.
e?
4. Nothing I wrote is meant to be judgmental. Do you see any negative language? Did I say anyone was wrong?
5. YES, I know what it's like to not be able to trust your own mother. But, remember, we are not children any longer. We get to define our adult relationship with her or yes, one can choose to cut her off. In cutting her off, healing is still needed.
Again, no one is judging anyone. The pain you may feel is 100% and if you need it, then, yes, I'll validate that. However, do you want to spend the rest of your life with this same pain?
All I'm trying to do is offer some encouragement so that people can be free from pain.
Be a survivor, not a victim. The relationship between my mother and I is superficial. Growing up, she was abusive towards me, tearing me down instead of building me up, accusing me of doing things I didn't do....
We weren't allowed to talk about our issues and having disagreements between my siblings resulted in my mother playing referee usually siding with one of my younger siblings.
I rather choose not dwell on the past. It is what it is. Make Mother's Day special in your own way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by charlygal
No, you've got it all wrong.
1. Like I mentioned, I've had a "not so perfect" mother. I completely 100% agree with you that motherhood should not be put on a pedestal. I call it the "motherhood myth." I certainly don't believe in that myth. Mothers are people too and they can be totally imperfect and downright awful.
2. I believe in forgiveness. Nowhere did I say forget. We can't forget. That stuff is a part of our past.
3. You made my point. Some people have emotional baggage. All I want is to see people free from that emotional baggage. Can you see my intent? It's a positive intent.
e?
4. Nothing I wrote is meant to be judgmental. Do you see any negative language? Did I say anyone was wrong?
5. YES, I know what it's like to not be able to trust your own mother. But, remember, we are not children any longer. We get to define our adult relationship with her or yes, one can choose to cut her off. In cutting her off, healing is still needed.
Again, no one is judging anyone. The pain you may feel is 100% and if you need it, then, yes, I'll validate that. However, do you want to spend the rest of your life with this same pain?
All I'm trying to do is offer some encouragement so that people can be free from pain.
I have a decent relationship with my mom now, but we'll never be as close as she wants us to be because she refuses to openly discuss and own up to all of the terrible decisions she made when I was growing up. Decisions that gave me emotional baggage that followed me well into my adult life.
I'm proud to say I've worked through most of it at this point, to where it no longer prevents me from doing the things I want to do. But everyone has their own reality to deal with, and not everyone works through these things at the same rate or in the same way. People need to keep that in mind before passively-aggressively assuming that everyone would be better off forgiving and forgetting. It's just not that simple for a lot of people.
Well, perhaps finding support with others is a better way to heal than burying one's issues and pretending they don't exist.
And honestly, for many of us, it's not the mother that's the problem any longer, it's the judgement others pass for not having a relationship with her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MKEastsider
Comments like these are exactly why the article and original comment are necessary. We have a culture where motherhood is held in such high regard that even complete strangers feel comfortable telling you that you should forgive and forget, no matter how abusive your mother was or how much emotional baggage you struggle with because of it.
Do you know what it's like to grow up in this culture when you can't even trust your own mother? Then perhaps you're the ones who should hold off on passing judgment.
DING DING DING!!!!
It's rare to find anyone who understands this. Thank you for explaining it. It gets very draining for me to do so after a while. It's what the article tries to explain. But I know I should not really expect people to read the article if their minds are already closed.
Everyone going through this is in a different stage of healing. Some are "survivors" as in "completely healed." Some are still being victimized. I think the most common is being in the stage of *transition* from victim to survivor. (For example, would you call someone in the middle of chemo a "survivor" of cancer, or would you aknowledge that s/he was a current "victim" because s/he was not fully healed and prospects were uncertain? I would wait until the treatment was over and/or cancer no longer present to call that person a "survivor.")
Also, my mother is not dead. I often think that it might be easier for myself and especially *others* to process if she was. And out of the hundreds of Facebook friends I have, all I see is happy picts, vintage picts, gushing praise and loving sentiments in all 50+ posts so far. This is a sorely needed different perspective.
The way I "chose to celebrate Mother's Day" is by bringing awareness to the fact that THERE ARE TOXIC MOMS in existence and that if you have one, you do not need to feel guilt or shame because you choose not to include her in your life.
Hopefully, it also educates some haters in the process.
I really don't like the word forgiveness in the realm of this.
I don't think it is ever about forgiveness. "Oh I forgive you for being a lousy mother to me". Whatever...
I am not even going to go there.
No...
I think it is more about moving on, accepting what you cannot change and still having a good life despite your lousy upbringing.
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