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Most folks have never experienced such things as a raging bipolar mother who has onstage and offstage behavior, or lived with a woman who has systematically destroyed her children due to her own narcissism - and I am talking about diagnoses here, not arm chair psychology.
People who haven't experienced it can't relate. They THINK they can. But they cannot.
Yes yes yes!!! Between the people who think you should never cut ties with your mother and the people who don't understand because they're only familiar with the mirage version of your mother, it is a very isolating experience. I haven't cut ties, but I have strict boundaries. I called yesterday and from the first words out of her mouth, I knew she had company because I was getting "the performance."
OP, thank you for starting this thread and linking to the article. I hope it opens some eyes and minds.
I started to read the posts after the op...then I stopped.
They don't understand, when they bash this thread, how painful this day is when you don't have a mom by choice. I chose not to have a mother because she was sick, abusive, destructive and some have called her evil. But I still feel the loss.
It's a loss different then if your loving mother, a good enough mother, died. Because you never had it. You don't know what it means to feel loved and safe. You don't know what it feels like to be one of the lucky ones who create a friendship with their parents as an adult, or care for them as they age. It's a question mark of a feeling. But it's a loss still.
Thank you, op, for honoring those of us who didn't have a "good enough" mom and the pain we feel.
+1
Yes, they don't understand and, further, they don't understand how fortunate they are that they don't. Thank you for speaking up.
Even if you choose not to break ties with an abusive parent, it's a huge loss to "lose" the experience of having a loving/healthy mother in your life. Many people need to mourn for it.
When my friend's mom died a few years ago, I watched her cry for weeks. At first I was happy for myself knowing that I will never have to go through that. And then it dawned on me what a great thing she must have had that she is going to feel such a void.
People like us already have a different void. We are just not privileged to the loving relationship that comes from most voids.
A good thread that touches many people who wish it were otherwise. Come father's day, my hunch is that even more will be feeling what you feel.
Even if you choose not to break ties with an abusive parent, it's a huge loss to "lose" the experience of having a loving/healthy mother in your life. Many people need to mourn for it.
When my friend's mom died a few years ago, I watched her cry for weeks. At first I was happy for myself knowing that I will never have to go through that. And then it dawned on me what a great thing she must have had that she is going to feel such a void.
People like us already have a different void. We are just not privileged to the loving relationship that comes from most voids.
I can understand that as I never had a relationship with my mother (or father). They weren't abusive, but I was ignored. I don't think either of them ever liked me much (I've always been extremely different from my family) so I never had that adult friendship with either of them. Dad died last year, and my mom has psychological issues and is difficult to deal with. I've always felt a certain jealousy when I see people who are close to their parents. All I can do is parent my own kids very differently, and definitely not ignore them!
My mom and I still speak on the phone regularly, but it is superficial. If I tell her anything of remote seriousness, she either immediately brings up negative ramifications or changes the subject to be about herself. Most of the time, I call just so she will feel better hearing herself talk.
Last week, my mom went on and on about how unacceptable it was that I don't send her a gift for Mother's Day. I never have and, after getting a similar lecture while I was GOING THROUGH CHEMO with no support from my parents right out of college (not even a visit), I never will. As a result, I wasn't able to emotionally pull it together to call her yesterday. Especially scrolling through Facebook (which I have to do as part of my job) with the realization that I couldn't even begin to make one of the overly sappy posts about moms. I got a nasty text around 11AM yesterday asking where her post was, which is why it's relevant.
The grieving process takes a long time. I find talking about it is validating - I still blame MYSELF for my parents not visiting me when I was very ill with cancer. It's not my fault, and threads like this help remind me of that.
I started to read the posts after the op...then I stopped.
They don't understand, when they bash this thread, how painful this day is when you don't have a mom by choice. I chose not to have a mother because she was sick, abusive, destructive and some have called her evil. But I still feel the loss.
It's a loss different then if your loving mother, a good enough mother, died. Because you never had it. You don't know what it means to feel loved and safe. You don't know what it feels like to be one of the lucky ones who create a friendship with their parents as an adult, or care for them as they age. It's a question mark of a feeling. But it's a loss still.
Thank you, op, for honoring those of us who didn't have a "good enough" mom and the pain we feel.
I am also one that doesn't have a mother that I can honor this day, but more so because she never cared to be one. Yes, I felt that loss on Sunday. I reflected on it, but still managed to smile. I still sent her a card and wished her the best. She abandoned my brother and I, and admitted she never felt anything for me in paricular, which really hurt, but I do not hate her. I chose to distance myself.
Even with that being said, I did not find this thread to be very nice even though I can relate.
I just told myself today when my fiance and I have our own children, I will be a mother that my children will want to treat on Mother's Day. I would like a really awesome bouquet and those cards made from macaroni lol.
My mom and I still speak on the phone regularly, but it is superficial. If I tell her anything of remote seriousness, she either immediately brings up negative ramifications or changes the subject to be about herself. Most of the time, I call just so she will feel better hearing herself talk.
Are we long lost siblings? Because it sounds like we have the same mother lol! I called my mom yesterday and she went on and on for 2 hours without discussing anything about anyone other than herself. At times, I just left the phone on speaker and went about my business.
I'm surprised that people still don't get it. Forgiveness isn't about your mother or letting her off the hook. Forgiveness releases the child from the past.
When something is forgiven, it's over and done with.
Look at it this way. All of these people posting mother bashing posts are clearly indicating that they are still tied to the past and still retain some measure of pain.
Wouldn't one prefer to be done with all that stuff from the past? To be free? To have Mother's Day come and not feel one bad feeling or think one bad thought? You want that? Then forgive.
One popular definition of forgiveness: “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”
Let it go. Free yourself.
I won't go into detail here or bash my mother, but it was a difficult relationship.
And on Mother's Day I was so sad, watching people at the garden center buy flowers, probably on their way to Mom's for Sunday brunch. I wished I could buy her a pot of flowers, because she loved them.
But I can't buy her flowers. She's no longer with us.
Over time I've come to realize she could not have done any better. And she probably had no control over what she did and no clue how her words and actions cut me.
IMHO, there wasn't much actual content in the article that was linked in the original post.
But, parents - of either gender - are just people, too. You have to let them be people and not imagine them to be someone they aren't. For some folks, that will mean they end up with a wonderful parent they're really happy to be related to, for other folks, well, not such happy results. If someone ends up with a parent who isn't suited to their child, then realizing that is part of the child becoming an adult. One shouldn't expect one's parents to be other than mere humans with all the greatnesses as well as the foibles and parents shouldn't expect their children to be anything other than just people, too. However, it generally doesn't happen that way, but all you can be responsible for is your own. You aren't even responsible for your parent's or child's relationship to you, just yours to them. At least, that's my theory and I'm sticking to it.
I won't go into detail here or bash my mother, but it was a difficult relationship.
And on Mother's Day I was so sad, watching people at the garden center buy flowers, probably on their way to Mom's for Sunday brunch. I wished I could buy her a pot of flowers, because she loved them.
But I can't buy her flowers. She's no longer with us.
Over time I've come to realize she could not have done any better. And she probably had no control over what she did and no clue how her words and actions cut me.
I can relate to much of this but more so with my dad. In my case, he and I were/are both very stubborn people and wasted a lot of time arguing and being resentful of what couldn't be undone. After he died I saw some things with his parents (they're still living) and other family members which more than likely contributed to the way he was. Looking back, I do think he did his best although at the time it definitely did NOT feel that way. Both my parents hurt me considerably but thankfully I had two sets of grandparents to step in.
Only for me personally, the situation with my dad makes me glad I've not gone the same route with my mom. Previously I was well on my way.
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+1
At times, I just left the phone on speaker and went about my business.
